Music

Drunken Recollection… If The Rolling Stones Never Existed

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s not like I’m a huge fan of The Beatles and think their shit doesn’t stink (a dung Beatle, if you will), but you cannot deny the fact that they have had a major impact on pop culture.

On the other hand, one night over more than a few brews, I decided that The Rolling Stones could have “not” existed, and we wouldn’t be missing much.

Sure, this Saturday Night Live skit would have never existed:

And there would have been no Paint It Black for The Doors to cover. Wait, the version I thought was Jim Morrison and crew was Mick Jagger and crew?

Well, there would have been no Wild Horses for The Sundays to cover at least (and to be honest, we probably could have lived without this one):

And lastly, who would Johnny Depp have based his Captain Jack Sparrow on other than Keith Richards?

This is the cleanest they've EVER looked.

My list of other rockers he could have based the pirate on:

  • John Lennon (quiet, contemplative, bespectacled)
  • Paul McCartney (smarmy, polite, vegetarian)
  • Ringo Starr (drummer)
  • Meat Loaf (this could have really worked)

Bitch Tits himself.

And with that, the argument discussion ended.

After all was said and done, I really wanted to hear this song for some reason, and did you know the B-52’s Love Shack lyric

Tin roof – rusted!

means pregnant, and not on her period? You’re welcome.

A Handful Of… Commercials That Make Me Want To Punch Santa

Posted on by sgottahurt

Christmas time is here, and so are mother fucking annoying commercials.

To begrudgingly begin, this ad from Verizon is way more annoying in its condensed radio form, but you can get the gist of it from this tube promo.  Whoever thought of taking Madness’ Our House and turning it into a hybrid holiday ditty featuring British-sounding hooligans should be run over by Santa’s sleigh.  That rusty ol’ magical blade right over their carotid artery would make my mistletoes tingle:

This one isn’t as holiday apparent, but it’s still hawking phones.  Who gives telecommunication devices as gifts?  Who puts some song that sounds like it’s sung by Lisa Simpson in their ad?

This one is off the radio, and it boils my blood like I’d been in a microwave.  It makes absolutely no sense, because not one bit of it ties together.  I’m sorry that I can’t get any angrier.  I feel dead inside:

I also wanted to mention that although I don’t mind Doug Benson most of the time, commercials for his new show, The Benson Interruption, drive me up the wall.  There are no videos online for me to share, so I made this instead:

Musical Musings… Another Mix-Up (Which May Mean I Definitely Drink Too Much)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I thought the guy that sang this song…

…was the same guy that sang this song…

Boy, was I sure confused.

So no more walking on the wild side.

But typing on the wild side is still okay.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… No Harmonica, No Foul

Posted on by sgottahurt

I had one of two pictures to begin this post with.  I chose this:

(Please ignore the bubbles)

(SIDENOTE: The other is after the jump.)

I’ve long been a fan of the ol’ mouth organ harp, probably since I first heard it in Elton John’s I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues.  But through all my years, use of the ol’ juicebox has been left out to dry.

Not since Blues Traveler’s Run-Around, their infinitely better song, Hook, and Alanis Morissette’s Hand in My Pocket has a song with a harmonica solo gone mainstream.  John Popper and Alanis were topping the charts with those songs in 1994 and 95.  That’s fifteen years without a prevalent Mississippi saxophone presence.  Was it merely a mid-90’s thing?

Let’s look at earlier performances that included the tin sandwich:

The only recent hope that the Reckless Tram has had has been courtesy of Jack White (The White Stripes’ Hello Operator) and The Helio Sequences’ aptly named Harmonica Song:

Am I missing any?  (I’m sure I am.)  Is the instrument dead to the pop music scene?  Can you imagine the likes of Katy Perry, Justin Beiber, or Ke$ha sliding a foreign metal instrument across their lips?

Maybe that’s a question for an entirely different subject…

Read More

Hibbidy-Wah?! No Effing Norway!

Posted on by sgottahurt

(UPDATE: VIDEO FIXED!)

I rubbed my eyes with lemon juice.  I squinted with toothpicks under my lids.  I snorted some Habanero sauce.  Salt was sprinkled onto my optical orbs, and nothing of what I had witnessed made any sense.

At first glance, you might mistake this video for an Insane Clown Posse one, based solely upon its production value, and you’d be right, except for the “clown” and “posse” part.  Maybe “clown” is relevant.

This is a commercial for the Norwegian show called Golden Times.  The way I wrote that sentence makes it sound like you should recognize it, so since you wouldn’t, I share it’s given name: Gylne Tider.  Apropos of nothing, that’s an anagram for

DETER LYING

of which I am with these truths.  So sit back, and

GENTLY RIDE

this strange ride on the TripleDoubleU that’s

LEGIT NERDY.

Without any further introduction, enjoy a slew (there has never been a better time to use this word) of random celebrities from the 80’s (and some 90’s) singing The Beatles’ Let It Be.  By my guesstimation, I would venture to, um, guess that this was what probably what killed Leslie Nielson, you Norwegian bastards!

(SIDENOTE: As you watch, you’ll find yourself thinking the cast can’t get any weirder, and it always does.  Also take note of what role each Actor! is recognized for.  It adds even more fun.)

Vodpod videos no longer available.

A Handful Of… Videos You Must See If You Haven’t, Plus One Comic

Posted on by sgottahurt

Today’s specials include:

  • A CROONING MUSTACHED BABY
  • MORE KAZAAM REFERENCES THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT
  • ANIMALS EVOLVING

(Here’s the original if that one gets taken down.)

  • And finally, THE TRUTH, according to Pizza Stew:

Musical Musings… Songs I Will Never Listen To

Posted on by sgottahurt

I practically live in my car.  I’m always driving somewhere (which is probably why I have no drive in the rest of my life).  So I listen to the radio a lot.  The following songs are those that will either make me change the station, or keep me flipping through the dial.

I thought about including the videos here, but that wouldn’t seem true to the reason behind this Musical Musing.  At least I’ve included the links, so nyah.

Okay – scratch all that (I did).  IF there is to be ANY humor in this list, it has to be in the reveal.  A short list can’t duplicate what gobbled up real estate can.

To begin, I will never listen to Tool’s Schism.  Sure, the video is creepy, and could have possibly been a part of my list for videos cooler than their songs, but it is way too long and tantamount to banging pots and pans in rhythm.

(SIDENOTE: I also cannot stand their song, Prison Sex.  Actually, maybe I just don’t like Tool except for Sober.)

A lot of people don’t like Linkin Park already because, well, let’s just say a lot of their fans probably think Dane Cook is hilarious.  But I’ve never minded them.  I believe they work really hard at what they do, and when it works, it works for me.  As for one of their latest, The Catalyst, it Dane Cooks.

This is an easy one that requires no explanation, but I do have one question… why is James Blunt’s early start to the song left in the final recording of You’re Beautiful?  A better question… why do I care?

(SIDENOTE: James Blunt was supposedly in the army, and that baffled me until I found out he was British.  Moving on…)

This shouldn’t even have made this list, but the opening piano riff (is that what it would be called?) lured me in a couple of times before I learned my lesson.  That lesson: Miley Cyrus can’t sing, and The Climb should have never been on the radio.  (What else do I think about Ms. Cyrus?)

And in closing, fuck NewSong’s The Christmas Shoes.  If you haven’t heard it, consider yourself blessed.  If you haven’t, you’ll have to click on the link.  Or just hear Patton Oswalt explain the awfulness of it:

JusWondering… Can Taylor Swift Pull Off Santa Baby?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Taylor Swift could be called America’s sweetheart (as opposed to America’s sweatheart, Tom Arnold).  So why in the world would she try to perform a sexy, seductive song about a spoiled gold digger?  Take a listen to her version of Santa Baby:

What does the expert on gold diggers have to say about that?

Eartha Kitt played Catwoman, for Christ’s Santa’s sake!

Some other notable, not-so-wholesome women artists that have covered this song:

  • Madonna
  • Shakira
  • Macy Gray
  • Natalie Merchant
  • Faith Evans
  • Kylie Minogue
  • The Pussycat Dolls
  • Kellie Pickler
  • LeAnn Rhimes
  • Mae West
  • Miss Piggy
  • RuPaul
  • Everclear

My favorite, of course, is this version.

Hibbidy-Wah?! 25 Years Passed Again?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

First, I could deal with it when Back to the Future celebrated its 25th Anniversary:

Remember that Saturday Night Live skit where Dana Carvey kept singing, "Gotta go back in time" to Michael J. Fox while they were in an elevator? Yeah, neither do I.

Then it kind of stunned me when I found out Super Mario Bros was also 25 years old (watch the video on the linked site for some digital nostalgia):

Are we sure this wasn't an Atari 7800 game?

And then! I found out Elmo from Sesame Street has been around for a quarter century:

He's the one that's not Grover.

But this was the last straw… the Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle happened 5×5 years ago:

(Bonus Elmo and Ricky Gervais video after the jump) Read More

Drunken Recollection… “Where’s Rock Bottom?”

Posted on by sgottahurt

To preface, this is the New Place Lounge in Dearborn, Michigan, pictured from the outside:

Uncensored

And this is the New Place Lounge pictured from the inside:

Uncensored

Now imagine a night that I had been drinking, um, for a good six hours, and someone told me she was going to be at the above new place lounge:

Scent-sored

Now imagine my shock at this news, and me running outside to promptly call them.  Here’s how the conversation sort of went:

LADY – New Place Lounge.

ME – Is Debbie Gibson going to play there?!

LADY – You don’t have to yell.  I can hear you perfectly fine.

ME – I’m sorry.  It sounded loud on your end so I tried to compensate!  Is it true Debbie Gibson is going to be playing at your bar?!

LADY – You’re still yelling.  (unintelligible)  She’ll be playing at Rock Bottom.

ME – Rock Bottom?  Where’s Rock Bottom?!

LADY – (hangs up)

I immediately turned to the TripleDoubleU on my phone to find out where a Rock Bottom was locally because I knew there was one in Chicago, but my efforts were fruitless.  I gave up and decided to research the next day.

A couple of hours of sleep and a McDonald’s breakfast later, I translated what I’d actually heard:

LADY – For her to play here, she’d have to hit rock bottom.

TAH-DAH!

(SIDENOTE: I should have also prefaced that in my preadolescence, I was in love with Debbie Gibson.  Don’t click this – it’s the gayest straight thing I ever wrote.)