monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Aliens Separated At Birth

Posted on by sgottahurt

This post would have taken place back in 1985… if I had a computer… or access to the TripleDoubleU…

When I was a little kid, back in 1983, there was a movie that meant a lot to me.  It was called Return of the Jedi, and it completed the Star Wars trilogy about Luke Skywalker.  The whole series was about him figuring out who his family was and who his friends were.  This guy was not one of his friends:

Nikto

While that was in theaters, a new TV show started about aliens coming to Earth called V.  This lady was one of the visitors:

Diana

Last year, The Last Starfighter came out (which was incredible), and that film introduced us to this guy:

Grig

Doesn’t he look like he could be Nikto and Diana’s kid?

(SIDENOTE: The spaceships in The Last Starfighter were animated with computers, just like the vehicles in Tron.  I don’t think it will catch on, though.  The ships in Star Wars are waaaay better.)

Well, Grig might have another brother in this winter’s Enemy Mine:

Jeriba "Jerry" Shigan

All we need to do is find out Nikto or Diana’s last name… or Grig even.  Why don’t more aliens have last names?

"Gorn is my last name. My first name is Leslie."

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Oliver & Billy Joel AND Huey Lewis?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This post presupposes that I had access to the TripleDoubleU or blogging before there was either… this would be my post back in 1988, when I was prime fodder for the TripleDoubleU or blogging these days.

This could be one of the best things I’ve ever heard.  Let me begin by introducing you to this guy: Dodger from Walt Disney Pictures new cartoon movie, Oliver & Company.

He's more Artist, than Artful.

First off, a new Disney cartoon film?  I haven’t seen one since I was a kid three years ago (that would be The Black Cauldron… I never got to see The Great Mouse Detective, mostly because I didn’t care to.)  Also, I didn’t think they made cartoon films anymore, at least not after the awesome Tron (I hope they make a sequel soon – it’s been seven years already).

But get this – Billy Joel is the voice of Dodger, and he sings Why Should I Worry? in it!  When’s the last time there was singing in a Disney movie… The Jungle Book back in the 60’s?!

And guess what’s even better?

Huey Lewis is performing the theme song, Once Upon a Time in New York City.  I can’t wait to get this cassette!  The only way this news could get any better is if my dream girl sang on the soundtrack:

In retrospect, what the hell is wrong with me?

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Wrong Music, Wrong Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is only my second journey down monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK lane, and as it turns out, this post also takes place in 2004.  I really should have started blogging earlier…

Vindicated? Not quite...

There’s nothing quite like a great theme song.  I’m not talking about the musical score, the likes of which composer John Williams will never miss a beat, I’m sure.

(SIDENOTE: I’m of course being sarcastic.  His new music from Star Wars Episodes I and II is okay at best, as well as his theme for the first Harry Potter movie, but none of them will ever be Jaws, E.T., or Indiana Jones.  (INNER SIDENOTE: I doubt they’ll ever make all those stupid warlock books into movies… they’re on book five already… it has to end sometime…))

No, what I’m talking about is the Eye of the Tiger.  Shaft.  Wind Beneath My Wings.

So what does all this have to do with Spider-Man 2?  It has a crappy theme song.

Chris Carrabba, lead (only?) singer of Dashboard Confessional, wrote this wonder of lyric-fest that just “screams” Spider-Man:

Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in, so mesmerizing and so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

CHORUS:
Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right
I swear I’m right, swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore, you saw yourself

So clear like the diamond in your ring, cut to mirror your intention
Over sized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated and so motivated
I am certain now that I am

CHORUS

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper-thin
Just one touch and I’ll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away

CHORUS

Slight hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

What?!  Does that have to do anything with Spider-Man at all?  It has been rumored (or it’s totally true) that he had another song called I Need a Sure Thing ready to go prior to seeing the completed film, then he had a change of heart and wrote Vindicated in about fifteen minutes.  How would that song have fared?  Well, here are its lyrics:

You are a razor blade
You are precision-cut
You are a stare sharp as the tack in my eye?
At rest in my veins
[Your pulse in my neck?]
As sharp-edged as questions the time I have left
And so you are on my mind.

I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed
I need to burn
I need a sure thing
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to me

You are a paper bird
Folded and folded and creased
And bent and shaped from a five dollar bill
It’s priceless to me
And never spent
It hangs from a ceiling fan over my bed
And so you are on my mind

I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed
I need to burn
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to me

I’ll hang my hopes all at once on a rope
There’s a possibility that this is happening to someone who’s not me
I’ll hold my head
Keep it still and pretend
That these spins and the webs
Are actually desirable

I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed I need to burn
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to me

I’m beginning to think Chris Carrabba doesn’t know the difference between a spider, a vampire, and a Spider-Man.

At least Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott’s Hero from the first Spider-Man film was about a hero coming to save us (or not) and him not staying to wait.  But then again, Macy Gray sang a song in that same movie:

"I tried to walk away but... my contract with Sony kept me here."

In closing, I guess every song can’t be Peter Cetera’s Glory of Love from The Karate Kid II.  That was a perfect match.

(SIDENOTE: It wasn’t a perfect match.  It was originally supposed to be in one of the Rocky films…)

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Only Time Will Tell

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a new category I’ve thought about for quite a while, so I guess it’s only technically new to you.  I’ve only had this blog for two and a half men years, so these are my imaginary blog posts from the past.  This one takes place in 2004.

A steno pad made of rock? Didn't they have animal skin to write on?

– Remember when everyone was making a fuss about Halle Berry playing a character named Sharon Stone, in The Flintstones live action film?

– Remember how the part was supposed to be played by the real Sharon Stone, but she backed out to be in Diabolique?

– Remember how they thought about changing her name to Rosetta Stone, but the producers were afraid people wouldn’t get the reference to the key that unlocked ancient languages?

– Remember how Halle Berry celebrated the fact that they didn’t change the name?

– Remember how Sharon Stone regretted not taking part in the film?

Well, you probably don’t since that was ten long years ago, back in 1994.

Now it’s 2004, and Sharon Stone is about to get her revenge against Halle Berry in Catwoman (which looks awesome BTW).  Stone plays Laurel Hedare, the head of a cosmetics company Berry’s Patience Phillips works at.  I heard there’s a great fight scene between them, but seeing as how difficult it is to put videos on the TripleDoubleU at this point, you’ll just have to imagine what it will be like.

I heard that the same kind of thing when down during the casting of Office Space:

The real Michael Bolton is still upset.