Intoxication

Drunken Recollection… Whose Film Catalog Could You Get Stuck With?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Does this tree get HBO?

This has been a question pondered by my friends and I for a while now.  If you were stuck on a deserted island, what Actor!’s film catalog would you want to have with you?

A few fine names were thrown around – DeNiro, Nicholson, Pacino, Dreyfuss…

Of course there was talk of Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Matt Damon, and Hayden Christensen, but my choice came down to two people:

1) Bill Murray
2) Harrison Ford

"I don't see my name down there anywhere!"

With Bill, you get the (my) likes of these:

  • Ghostbusters
  • Little Shop of Horrors
  • Scrooged
  • Quick Change
  • What About Bob?
  • Groundhog Day
  • The Man Who Knew Too Little
  • The Royal Tenebaums
  • Lost in Translation
  • Broken Flowers
  • Get Smart
  • Fantastic Mr. Fox
  • Zombieland

Not to mention his earlier works like Meatballs, Caddyshack, and Stripes, plus in between works like Ed Wood, Kingpin, Wild Things, Rushmore, The Aquatic Life with Steve Zissou, and Get Low!  And there’s even more if you get sick of these!  That’s quite a filmography!

"I don't see your name up there either, Garfield. I wonder if my earring is listed down below."

With Harrison, on the other hand, you get two of the Great Trilogy of Trilogies – Star Wars and Indiana Jones… (Back to the Future is the third, and don’t get your knickers in a twist – nobody counts Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)…

Here’s (my) Harrison’s list:

  • American Graffiti
  • Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope
  • Apocalypse Now
  • The Frisco Kid
  • Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back
  • Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • Blade Runner
  • Star Wars Episode VI: The Return of the Jedi
  • Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
  • Witness
  • The Mosquito Coast
  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
  • Patriot Games
  • The Fugitive
  • Clear and Present Danger
  • Air Force One
  • and, uh, Brüno

Okay, so he sort of fizzles out, but even still… that’s a bunch of flicks I could repeatedly view.

But then, a new person showed up to the proceedings, and suggested we consider character Actors! (turned leads) instead of leads:

I thought that was a pretty good idea, so I changed my answer and picked an up and coming star, Sasha Grey:

"I starred in Steven Soderbergh's The Girlfriend Experience, and you didn't. Hey Harrison, I think I found your earring."

Drunken Recollection… They Sure Don’t Make Cartoons Like They Used To (Plus My Opinion On Donald Duck Finally Revealed!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This seemed to come out nowhere, as opposed to the alcohol that kept being provided by the prompt wait staff.

We had finished a soccer game.  We were playing music trivia.  And this old Walt Disney cartoon popped in my head.  My friends remembered it, and we laughed about how it could never get made these days… not in the slightest.  (Well, maybe in the slightest.)

Watch and revel at a child’s cartoon from 1949:

What I think surprises me the most is what a dick Donald Duck used to be.

Was he always that way?  Yes. Yes. And oh god no, yes.

That’s probably why he was my favorite Disney character…

Drunken Recollection… Why Men Do Anything (Plus Swamping!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

While camping last weekend, this happened:

Why is the song "Lump" suddenly stuck in my head?

That is my cousin Steve, whom most recently discovered this for me, or should I say us.  He put on his waders and decided to go swamping, which in other words means…

Hunting for frogs.

Passersby were confused at us boggy marsh gawkers, until they realized we were watching Steve mucking through the muck.  Every last one of them smiled.  Only one of them rubbed my shoulders.

In other Drunken Recollecting, while around the campfire, I proposed that there are only three reasons men do anything in this world (in no particular order):

Oh, and there is the unofficial fourth reason – survival.

So the question that remains – why did Steve go swamping?

I already told you it was to hunt for frogs!

Drunken Recollection… “Swipe It Like A Credit Card” (AKA “You Might Scream 4 This”)

Posted on by sgottahurt

(Photo courtesy of Amy's quickness with the clicks)

Scream 4 is filming (for some reason) in Plymouth, Michigan (for some reason), and I had no idea as I made my way to the bar to play trivia (for some reason).

Anydewey, as I passed the set piece above, I didn’t pay too much mind since I was being trailed by a Plymouth cop (I had to hide my cell phone courtesy of a new law).  While at trivia, the team I was playing with consisted of some new members, so job talk was brought up, and the birth of this phrase was born (I think it makes a great rap song hook):

Swipe it like a credit card…

The job it referenced:

Border Patrol Agent

Well, one specific act:

I let you connect the dots.

So back to trivia…  talk of Scream 4 began, and I connected the dots.  So after the game, a group of us headed over to the Woodsboro Police Station, and I readied to snap a photo.  But then some teen rent-a-cops yelled that I couldn’t.  And for some reason, I listened.  Afterward, I wished I had said something like:

I’m using Google Goggles to see what this place used to be.

But I didn’t.

And it’s not like they had any authority to swipe it like a credit card…

Drunken Recollection… Kids, Kidney Stones, And American Pie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Truer words never spoken... on a t-shirt.

As per uzhe (I don’t know how to shorten usual phonetically), I have a few things to attend to in this Drunken Recollection.

ITEM #1

  • The above shirt idea. Looks good, doesn’t it?

ITEM #2

  • “Does chewing Styrofoam cause kidney stones?” There are no Yahoo! Answers in regard to this, but I finally have this question answered:

ITEM #3

Drunken Recollection… Perfect Strangers: The Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

If you can believe it, some of my friends (whether sober or in this case, drunk) really want their to be a movie version of Perfect Strangers.

No, the one with two strangers.

We started discussing casting, and this was the resounding consensus:

Ben Stiller as Cousin Larry Appleton and Adrian Brody as Balki Bartokomous

They don’t look too excited, though, and the way Hollywood operates, they might prefer to skew for a younger cast.  Our suggestion:

Michael Cera and Shia LaBeouf are getting big heads about this project.

I can admit I wasn’t too keen on a movie version of the T.G.I.F. classic (?) before this discussion or this post.  But after some photo editing, either version might catch my interest and $15 (because I’m sure it will be in 3-D).

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Idea This Drunk Guy Had

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nobody was hurt in the making of this video… except the bush and the bike.  Srsly.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Apparently, beer turns your bones int…“, posted with vodpod

These college kids must have followed the same guidelines as these folks did with their dog:

Could have helped this kitten too:

Drunken Recollection… A New Phrase For You – “Map In The Ass”

Posted on by sgottahurt

No relation to Gooding, Jr.

This has to be one of the best bar stories of all time, and my apologies if I don’t get this right.

Dakota (a friend of mine) knew this kid that claimed his father was a pilot during the Bay of Pigs invasion.  Part one of his story:

My dad was called to active duty and was ordered to fly to Playa Girón to drop some bombs on Cuba.  But the thing was… he wasn’t allowed to bring a map.  But he really needed a map, so he hid it in his butt.

He couldn’t bring a map of Cuba to Cuba in case he was caught going to the place he had a map of how to get to?  Moving on to paht two:

So as my dad was closing in on his target, hand ready to pull the lever, a call came in over his radio… ”Tahm, don’t drop tha bahms!’  It was President Kennedy!

So according to this kid, not only was his father one of the very few Americans involved in the invasion, but JFK was on a first name basis with him.

Hence the new phrase for you – “map in the ass.”  It’s code for “a lie pulled out of your ass.”

Tah dah!

Another item of discussion – what is the layout of the office on The Office?

This is the best version I’ve found online (and it’s not 100% up-to-date):

Does Vance Refrigeration use its lease space as effectively?

Here’s the map I pulled out of my ass:

(Not So) Artistic Representation

Drunken Recollection… Dream Cast Of X-Men: First Class

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sega had a different idea than me.

With the new (first?) (only?) A-Team movie coming out, we got to talking about the cast over some beers.  We decided this dream cast (not the one above) would have been quite a coup:

The Dream Team

Bruce Willis as Hannibal, Brad Pitt as Face, Jim Carrey as Murdoch, and Michael Clarke Duncan as B.A. Baracus would have been expensive as hell, and I’m not calling the current cast the B-Team (ha!), but these guys would be totally worth it.

So then we started discussing that Matthew Vaughn (the guy that made Kick-Ass independent of any studio) will be helming X-Men: First Class. It should be noted that he was set to be the original director of X-Men 3 (which he hated).  Since our train of thought was already on IRF (Ideal Role Fulfillment), this was the station our one track minds arrived at:

Yes, please.

Michael Rosenbaum could replace Patrick Stewart as a younger Professor X.  Rosenbaum already carries comic credentials under his belt (he plays Lex Luthor on Smallville), so he already has the experience of playing the earlier version of an icon.  Plus, DC owes Marvel someone since Green Lantern took Ryan Reynolds from Deadpool.  Besides, audiences don’t care if Actors! double up on beloved characters (Captain Jean-Luc Picard held his ground as Professor X, Human Torch as Captain America, Han Solo as Indiana Jones, as so on).

It's the hair that won the job.

Replacing Magneto was tough.  I started with Jude Law, another Brit, taking over for Sir Ian McKellen.  But then we tried thinking about perhaps an Actor! of Jewish decent, since Erik Magnus Lehnsherr happened to be, and we could think of none.  So they fought Law, and Law won.

And as for Cyclops / Scott Summers, this thought popped in our head…

Please no.

…and the game ended.

Drunken Recollection… Concrete Jungle Where Drinks Are Made Of

Posted on by sgottahurt

Now that I’m clean-shaven and no longer look like this:

The bird is the word.

Or this:

I must admit, I missed my face.  I went through one day of phantom beard, but that was it.  I should mention my regret for removing the season-long Red Wings hockey beard on the first day of the Stanley Cup playoffs, but in order to fly to NYC without hassle, it seemed worth the hassle.  (Thank goatee they’re advancing to Round 2!)

Anysubway, I won’t bore you with the details.  All the details.  Just some of them.

Jay was Hitting One Liners Out of the Park

"Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd that wanted to beat up a guy for wearing a Mets' cap..."

On Friday, we headed to Yankee Stadium to see two of our beloved ex-Tigers play (Curtis Granderson and, um, Marcus Thames), and all day, my buddy Jay was calling ’em like he saw ’em.

Some of things he said that were actually documented:

I need to stop calling these trips vacations and start calling them work out retreats.

If I owned that shirt it’d be my third favorite shirt.

Hey I’m paying twenty bucks to look at empty stages tomorrow.

Steve: Who sings ‘I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone?’
Jay: Ke$ha.

What are you? A garbophobe?

It’s getting all Wendy’s up in here! [This one was mine. – Ed.]

“It’s Getting All Wendy’s Up in Here!”

I wish I had photos as proof, but Wendy’s in Midtown is, simply put, insane.  I don’t think it was an isolated incident either.  The show Ugly Americans even gave a shout out to it.

At any rate, the breakdown of events (this all happened within fifteen minutes):

  • Some one threw their filled drink in the air.
  • A sober girl was trying to get a trashed girl up the stairs.
  • Steve slipped on the spilled drink and dropped everything but his drink.
  • Chris tripped down some stairs while holding only the top bun covered in its toppings.  (He wanted a plain one.)
  • Somebody left a strange package on one of the tables.  (I checked what it was, damned if I remember.)
  • A person kept screaming about how he wanted to kill everyone, and no one reacted.

I don’t know.  It seemed much crazier when I was trashed.

I’m So Proud of Myself for Something Not Proud

This photo's fuzziness doesn't even come close to my eyes' fuzziness that night.

On Saturday, we found a bar called No Idea and like the bar’s name, we had no idea what was in store (hee!).  We stopped here after not getting to play ping-pong at Susan Sarandon’s Spin because they were closing for a private party.

BONUS JAY QUOTE!

Here I was under the impression none of us played ping-pong.

The plan was this: kick back a few cheap drinks, make our way to bar hop in East Village, and finally check out P.D.T.’s in Crif Dogs (our missed mission from last year).  Let’s just say that plan’s quickly becoming an annual tradition.

As soon as the drinks kept flowing (courtesy of an all-you-can-drink party), the remainder of the night became a blur.

Oh yeah – my proud moment… I threw up and quickly returned to drink more.  I never knew I had it in me to do that!

The Drunk Idea of the Trip

Andrew Dice Clay’s reality show should have been called Rollin’ with Dice.  I was going to make a graphic, but fuck it (heehee!).