Humor

Drunken Recollection… Tara – The Drunk Girl At The Bar

Posted on by sgottahurt

I intended to write a Drunken Recollection on another subject (you’ll just have to wait for that now), but someone my friends and I met tonight changed all that:

Tara – The Drunk Girl at the Bar.

My friend, Chris, hosts a live trivia show at a particular bar on Mondays, and I typically don’t attend.  Nothing against him, but Mondays are one of my “laying low” days.  On this particular Garfield’s favorite day of the week, I had planned on picking up some topsoil to do some yard work before winter hits, but I got stuck late at work.  My other friend, Jeremy, had his class cancelled, and Chris’ wife Venessa was going to trivia, so  I bit.

Upon arriving, the three of us sat at the end of the bar, and Chris was at the windows.  He had to inform us that he had a fan – Tara.  As she repeatedly told everyone, she was his “ass-sistant,” and she thanked everyone with a kindly “konnichiwa” as if it was a “domo arigato.”

She was there alone no domo arigato to her friends.

She alleged it was her birthday.

She was 100% superhero drunk.

She was having fun and being goofy.

She met Chris’ “wifey” and shared the tale of how she was engaged for four years until she broke it off

…in May or March… one of those M months.  Maybe April…

because he wanted her to be a baby making machine.

She had school and worked nine-to-five and didn’t seem much older than 22.

What Tara made me question about life is this:

How responsible are we for other people?

She somehow became attached to our group (namely Chris), and I wondered who was looking out for her.  Luckily, her parents came to pick her up, but it made me think about a creepy dude I had seen in Best Buy’s parking lot prior to heading to trivia.  He stood at the edge of the lot, near his rusted minivan, with his hipster ensemble: too tight vintage clothes, an over-sized snapshot camera, and a creepy beard.  He surveyed the adjacent Meijer’s parking lot.  Something about it didn’t feel right… like I should intervene and do something…

Four Quadrant Nightmare

Four Quadrant Nightmare

Damn, this post isn’t funny at all.  It’s only the second one I wrote while slightly intoxicated, and it will no doubt (*crosses finger*) be the last.

It probably all had to do with this video I saw about Baxter earlier today…

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Oxycodone + Morons = Oxy-Morons

Posted on by sgottahurt

Meet the Oxy-Morons:

Smallville's Sam Jones & Bog Brother's Adam Jasinski

Smallville's Sam Jones & Big Brother's Adam Jasinski

I don't oxycodone the abuse of prescription medication.

I don't oxycodone the abuse of prescription medication.

Within 24 hours, it was announced that two former “tv stars” were picked up by the DEA in connection with buying and selling oxycodone AKA oxycontin AKA hillbilly heroin AKA Rush Limbaugh’s best friend.

Sam Jones played young Superman’s best friend in the first three seasons of Smallville, and Adam Jasinski played “Baller” on the ninth season of Big Brother.

Jones was picked up in Los Angeles and had in his possession 10,000 pills; Jasinski was picked up North Reading, Massachusetts with 2000 pills, which he purchased with the half-million dollars he won on the summer long show.

What’s the connection that makes this a possible Coinkydink or a possible Coinkydonk?

The fact that they happened so close together, people.  Isn’t that enough?

How weird is it that the DEA targeted two individuals selling hillbilly heroin in two different states with two different amounts in their possession?  How weird is it that they were featured in two different shows on two different networks and that were opposite styles (sci-fi drama and reality)?

Jones could have been the Hollywood mastermind, a real-life villain if you will.  And he used his connections to lure the champion Jasinski that just won $500,000 to distribute pills in a sorta small town.

Real-life villain… Superman meets reality tv… small town… North Reading like Smallville… the feds are watching… Big Brother has cameras everywhere… their last names both start with J… Jor-El is Superman’s father’s… Julie Chen hosted Big Brother… anything?

Happy Find… A Long Time Ago, In ASCIImation (Plus Star Wars Saved!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

For those of you uninitiated in the ways of the world wide web, ASCII (pronounced ass-KEE) stands for American Standard Code for Information Interchange. 

BASICally, this encompasses all 95 printable characters on your keyboard.  A term more commonly used in the early days of home computing, many pieces of art have been created using ASCII (and summarily ink ribboned out through dot matrix printers and onto continuous sheets).  

Until now, I have not witnessed a masterpiece like this:

 

Never upset a WOOCII...

Never upset a WOOCII...

Okay, the art is sub par, but the site is insane (click here).  It’s (almost) the entire first film animated in ASCII!  DOS it help erase the memory of the prequels?  Not quite.  But Rob Bricken of the awesomely nerdy Topless Robot has theories about what went wrong (or did everything go as planned?):

I’ll tell you my greatest nerd theory, which I’m still kind of proud of — regarding the midichlorians from Phantom Menace. Like all of you, I was aghast that the Force had suddenly turned into biology and racked my brain trying to explain it. And I did — I became convinced that (George) Lucas had put it in the movie to suck on purpose. I reasoned that Lucas was intentionally making these early Jedi shitty, to which I also ascribed Qui-Gon’s dickish refusal to un-enslave Anakin’s mom — and that Lucas was trying to tell us these Jedi had lost their way with the Force. They had turned it into a science, forbidden Jedi from loving. Had shitty committee meetings instead of doing good. They’d lost their way, and that’s why they could no longer sense the Dark Side when it was right under their fucking noses. So I figured by the third movie, there was going to be a major moment of revelation as the Jedi were getting destroyed, probably by Yoda, about how they’d screwed up, and in that sense, by destroying the corrupted Jedi, Anakin truly was bringing balance back to the Force. And when Luke restarted the Jedi order, he would embrace the spirituality and the compassion that the Prequel Jedi had forgotten, finishing the work.

If you ASCII me, that sounds about right!

In My Brain While Sleeping… I Died?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

blockbuster

Wow! What a difference! (In the people's sizes...)

This dream had me in some seafaring town, like Jaws’ Amity, Lost Boys’ Santa Carla, or Dogma’s New Jersey boardwalk.  I was discussing with some friends the prices that Blockbuster pays for movies.  One that came up:

bones-snoopdogg

A Hallowizzle Classizzle

Late at night, on that very same pier, a creature as silent as the night (or at least quieter than the crashing waves), accosted me.  With its razor-sharp claws and fangs, it dismembered me.  I didn’t fight back.  In fact, I was rather accepting of my fate.

I remember coming back to awareness, but by this point, I was merely bones picked clean of their meat, buried beneath the wood planks.

Still sentient, I was fully aware of the conversations being held above about the Blockbuster store and the amount of rentals they needed to make their money back on each movie.  Nobody seemed to miss me.

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO DIE IN YOUR DREAMS!

In retrospect, I’m wondering if my subconscious was really thinking about the plot of this film:

Well, not the whole plot...

Well, not the whole plot...

Or maybe it was about my hidden concerns about the future of Blockbuster itself.  Ha!  Of course it’s not that!

INGREDIENTS: The usze… beer.

(SIDENOTE: Does the usze work as a shortened version of the usual?  Would the ush be better?)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Why Didn’t These Tips Work For Me?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Self-help videos may be a thing of the past (YouTube anyone?), but they were vital to making me the me I am today.  I’m the best kisser anyone knows, and I can take down the biggest bullies just long enough to run away in a hurry.  Want to know what I know?  Check these videos out!

(I love you, Everything is Terrible!)

Awful Battle… Awesome Cartoons Of Questionable Content

Posted on by sgottahurt

Cartoons, just like toys, aren’t only for kids anymore.  We might be able to think the Japanese for that, but it might also be this current generation of man-children at fault.

The following videos are proof of that (only one Japanese one in the bunch… try and guess which one).  Why else would there be:

  • a woman licking a horse and being offended by its erection
  • Jesus turning water into whiskey at a rave and space monkey angels
  • a gaggle of panties flying in the V-formation (not sure if it’s meant to be ironic)
  • selfish children getting devoured by cockroaches

Despite all being well-done, they burnt my brain.  Which is the worst?

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

JusWondering… What Else Should They Bring Back?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This just screams porno stash.

Often owned by strangers with candy.

Well whadayanknow?

Last year, Polaroid got rid of their Instant Cameras.  I wrote about it here when this blog was still a fledgling.

But courtesy of The Impossible Project (or of a PR stunt the likes of the Heene family – the last batches of film sold recently expired), Polaroid is bringing sexy Instant Cameras back.

This got me thinking… what other foregone technologies would I like to see return?

1) Spindle

threadingspindle

In fairy tales, they were able to spin straw into gold.  They also acted as GHB when it came to princesses.  So maybe they shouldn’t come back.

2) Dick Tracy Copmobile

With technology like that, kids’ imaginations had to flourish.  (See the original toy commercial down below.)*

3) Top Loading VCR’s

"What's Eating Gilbert Grape?" "The VCR heads!"

“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” “The VCR heads!”

Nostalgia and functionality and purpose aside… look at how easy it was to use?  With all those dials and switches and buttons, you could set the clock!  (Ra-tat-tat-CRASH!)  Of course I want it back for nostalgic reasons (but still not functionality and purpose).

4) Libraries

The Dewey Decimal System was "thisclose" to being the Huey Whole Number System. The Louie Lottery System wasn't even close.

The Dewey Decimal System was "thisclose" to being the Huey Whole Number System. The Louie Lottery System wasn't even close.

There’s something terribly wrong with kids today, and I stand by two reasons why:

  1. Siblings each having their own bathroom growing up, instead of fighting to share one.
  2. Libraries aren’t used as social gathering places anymore.

Wait, what?  Libraries still exist?  I thought the Internet would have surely killed them.  My bad.

SIDENOTE: While we await the Instant Cameras’ re-release, why not pick up this camera that logs every moment of your life?  It’s like YouTube meets Twitter!

You know you want it

You know you want it

*Original Dick Tracy Copmobile commercial after the jump Read More

Musical Musings… Out With The Olds, In With The News (Not Huey Lewis)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Paramore is No Doubt's replacement, no doubt

Paramore is No Doubt's replacement, no doubt

Time flies when you’re having fun.  It also flies when you break from the group that shot you to super-stardom, you start your own clothing line, and you knock out a couple kids with another bands’ former lead singer.

I’m looking at you Gwen Stefani, and you’ve been replaced by Hayley Williams.  You had the bindi; she has the orange hair.

But that’s not what this post is all about.  It’s about the cycles of the music industry.  Somebody always replaces somebody else.  I’m sure you get what I’m saying, but let me reiterate with examples from my own life.

1) Billy Joel & Rob Thomas

billyjoel-robthomas

Both are talented musicians that crank out the hits.  Although Thomas used to be with Matchbox Twenty, who else would I say?  John Mayer?  Not even close to the Piano Man.

2) Huey Lewis and The News & Weezer

hueylewis-weezer

Huey infiltrated the 80’s pop scene with a 50’s-inspired sound.  Rinse and repeat in the 90’s.

3) Debbie Gibson & Regina Spektor

debbiegibson-reginaspektor

Both pianists.  Both song writers.  Both crushes of mine.

4) Green Day & Say Anything

greenday-sayanything

Angsty punk rockers with catchy melodies.

5) The Offspring & Rise Against

offspring-riseagainst

Poignant punk rockers with hard-hitting melodies.

6) Rancid & Kings of Leon

rancid-kingsofleon

Unintelligible punk rockers with unique melodies.

7) I’m still trying to figure out my replacement for this guy:

He got that six-string at the five-and-dime.

He got that six-string at the five-and-dime.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Harrison F—ing Ford

Posted on by sgottahurt

Hrm... does he not have a left hand?

Is he the one-armed man?

Harrison Fucking Ford.  It’s his middle name, really.  (No, not really.  He has none.  He did go by Harrison J. Ford early in his career as not to be confused with the silent film actor of the same name, but I digress.)

Back in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and, um, just 2000, Ol’ Harry was at the top of his game (for the most part).  Not only did he bring us the above two scoundrels with their hearts of gold (each for three movies, since there is no Crystal Skull, just as there are no prequels), he also brought us:

  • a cowboy in a roadster (American Graffiti)
  • a cowboy in a temple (The Frisco Kid)
  • a detective in a strange land – the future (Blade Runner)
  • a detective in a strange land – Amish country (Witness)
  • a doctor chasing after terrorists who kidnapped his wife (Frantic)
  • a doctor chasing a one-armed man who murdered his wife (The Fugitive)
  • a doctor chasing his wife to murder her (What Lies Beneath)
  • a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Presumed Innocent)
  • a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Regarding Henry)
  • a business man with love problems (Working Girl)
  • a business man with love problems (Sabrina)
  • a cop that shares his home (The Devil’s Own)
  • a cop that sells homes (Hollywood Homicide)
  • a politician having a problem before a plane crash (Air Force One)
  • a politician’s aide having a problem after a plane crash (Random Hearts)
  • a father in the jungle (The Mosquito Coast)
  • a pilot in the jungle (Six Days Seven Night)
  • a soldier during the Vietnam War (Apocalypse Now)
  • a soldier during the Cold War (K-19: The Widowmaker)
  • Jack Ryan (Patriot Games)
  • Jack Ryan (Clear and Present Danger)
  • a flop (Firewall)
  • a flop (Crossing Over)

Whew.  That was easy.

Anywookiee, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel.  Despite the missteps in the late 90’s (Sabrina, The Devil’s Own, Six Days Seven Night), he had a good run.  What changed, you might ask.  I might say:

Sixty-five-year-old Harrison Ford met Calista Flockhart, 44, in 2002, when she reportedly spilled wine on him at the Golden Globes. The pair immediately started dating and have been together ever since. (via iVillage)

A-ha!  Calista Fucking Flockhart happened!  So if Harrison Ford wants to get back to creating iconic characters, he needs to say sayonara to Ally McBeal. I know they’re engaged and he co-adopted her adopted son, but it’s never too late to get out of it…

Harry – remember how much divorce costs?  $85,000,000 ring any bells? (Notice the date of this article announcing his break from Melissa Mathison.)  Don’t you see what a mistake K-19: The Widowmaker that ridiculous Russian non-accent leaving the beloved screenwriter of E.T. did to your film career?!  Here’s to hoping you lose those diamond earrings and that “television star,” and you’ll return to save the Star Wars series in Episodes 7, 8, and 9!!!1!  You can even have Han Solo die in 8 and skip 9 if you’d like!  Whatever it takes!  Be daring like Indy used to be!

Stop this from ever happening again: