Happy Find… People Of Public Transit

And I thought People of Walmart was Tralfamodorian zoo-worthy.  That’s probably because I live in Detroit, where we only have a People Mover* and not a subway.

Introducing… People of Public Transit!

It’s a world where this exists:

punk and hasidic jew

Does anyone else smell derivative sitcom?

And this:

big hungry girls

It's fun to pretend they're singing "Bohemian Rhapsody."

*A t-shirt that sums up the general consensus’ opinion of our beloved Detroit:

Alternate slogan: "Where the future chokes for survival."

In My Brain While Sleeping… Was It CostCo Or Sam’s Club? No, It Was Even Better

Where do dreams come from?  Are they subconscious remnants of the days events?  Are they connections to alternate realities?  Are are they just dreams of things you wish that could be?  Oh how I wish this place existed.

Rides, a food warehouse, Rue McClanahan, and a bear ice sculpture... that about sums it up!

It was the largest indoor extravaganza I’ve ever seen dreamed.  The group that I visited the establishment with immediately split into pairs or off on their own as soon as the doors opened.  As I traversed the expansive main aisle, shelves that would have towered over buildings.  Imagine being inside of a Christmas tree.  Imagine Las Vegas in a warehouse.  That was this place.  Anything and everything you could want to buy was within (or just out of) your reach.

As I ambled about, I stumbled into a live trivia game show in the style of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire hosted by none other than the last living Golden Girl, Blanche Devereaux herself, Rue McClanahan.  I participated for a while, until the sound of striking pins was audible in the distance.

In search of the growing cacophony of mechanical wonders and games, I passed a giant ice sculpture of a polar bear.  There was a nameplate, but I didn’t bother reading it at that point.

I headed toward the festival atmosphere, where a rollercoaster, a disco dance floor, a pool hall, a bowling alley, a roller rink, and an arcade all intertwined without any walls or ceilings but those of the warehouse.  I got lost in the glory for so long, that as the day broke through the high windows, I made my way back to the ice sculpture.  The night hold taken its toll, and most of what remained was an icy lump and a fountain puddle.

It was then I finally read the plaque:

INGREDIENTS: Cottage cheese and Mountain Dew… gross.

Worth 1002 Words… High-Tech Fart Edition

Modern Fart

Some alternatives:

  • Asstract Expressionism
  • Swiss Doodooism
  • Bean There
  • S.B. Delightful
  • Thermal Underwhere?

(via Geekologie)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Meet Colby – The Christian Robot

Whoawhoawhoawhoa… whoa.  Fuck this video.

  • That’s not a computer – that’s a robot.
  • If Colby is everyone’s friend as that one girl tells Nick (he’s a jerk!), then why did he need to get introduced at the start?
  • Not only is Colby programmed all the scriptures in the Bible, he doesn’t even know what a game is?
  • A two-parter – how can machines be “overweight” and why is Nick such a jerk?!
  • What kind of talking-out-of-your-ass line is this:

I must reorganize my files… they’re completely out of phase!

  • Praying never fixes anyone’s computer after a surge.  Changing a power supply might.
  • Why do all the kids talk SO LOUD?!
  • What the fuck are Flip and Flop, and why are the only ones that can fix Colby?  Does this mean they are greater than God, since He couldn’t do it?  Nope.  Their just a couple of dicks disks.
  • More out-of-your-ass talk:

Oh, I simply must reposition these files!

  • Who doesn’t have a pocket bible, raise your hand!
  • Have you ever seen a greater parallel to proselytizing than the robot song performed against Nick?  (Why would they trust a jerk alone with Colby, unless they knew Colby could indoctrinate him?)  Lyrics:

Kids: We are all robots, and you must be a robot, too!

Nick: I don’t wanna be a robot!

  • If you want to skip to the trip, jump to the 4:18 mark.

(via the un-terrible Everything is Terrible)

Awful Battle… Catchy YouTube Diddies That Are Stuck In My Head!

Let me preface this by saying… I like both of these videos (for very different reasons*), but they contain infectious melodies that are currently stuck in my head.  It’s not that difficult for that to happen, unfortunately, but still – by the power of Chris Cornell I compel you!  Leave my noggin!

*I enjoy watching food explode to rock tunes.  I only recently discovered this, but I hope it doesn’t make me a foodie.  I also simultaneously enjoy watching adults beat toddlers… wait, that doesn’t sound right.

JusWondering… Who Would You Pay $75 To Ask One Question?

 

He's so irreverent!

Director Kevin Smith recently announced he was returning to Detroit for one of his Q&A fests, and tickets in “the good seats” are going for $75.  This increases the chance that you can actually A one Q, but is $75 worth it?  On a lucky day, you might be able to get Smith to respond to an inquiry on Twitter, and that’s free.  Besides, would I even have a question that wouldn’t be embarrassing to ask?

My wondering:

Mr. Smith, do you consider yourself a capable director?  Like, could you ever direct a high-minded, genre piece, worthy of an Academy Award nomination?  (SIDENOTE: I threw in the filler word “like” to simulate a Pulitzer Prize nomination worthy question… y’know, to like make it real.)

This got me wondering… who else would I pay $75 to ask a question?

Barack Obama, Steven Spielberg, George W. BushGeorge Lucas?

Sure.  Each one of them would get a humdinger of a wringer”, but who would I pay more than $75 to get to the bottom of things?  Probably just one:

 

She's so irreverent...

My one-part quiz:

Ms. Fey, can I write for your show?  Here’s a sample of my ability, and it happened In My Brain While Sleeping

 

*Here’s the others:

  • President Obama, do you believe in the Prime Directive?  Is that dictating your actions?
  • Mr. Spielberg, just why?  A refrigerator?  An army of monkeys?  Seriously!
  • President Bush, wanna play some Frogger?
  • Mr. Lucas… will there be Episodes VII through IX, as they could save Star Wars?  Otherwise, fuck you.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Perverted Puppets Are Fun, Especially Out Of Context

Remember in high school at the strip club, when the nuns would talk about how God makes it rain you made it rain on that stripper, and you’d get “excited” for no a very good reason?  Well this video is kinda nothing like that.

(via Found Footage Festival)

Musical Musings… It’s Almost As If These CD Covers Are Telling A Story

Just sit right back and y’all hear a tale…

"Go on... I'm listening... or should I say, play on?"

…about a woman who had a dream…

"Tis true. I did dream a dream. And I sang what I sing. Plus I ate what I eat."

…that this strange creature came from another world…

"I am here for only one thing - your entertainment. Possibly via my _____."*

…and there was this cop that was trying to stop the blue haired extra-terrestrial,
but he feared he was starting to feel… something more.

"Is it crazy to think... that I might be... in love? And also, don't I kind of look like Michael J. Fox in this picture?""

*The tale of course for adults, and therefore rated…

"Isn't it weird almost everyone has a hand or two on their face?"

Christmas Gift Ideas For Your Loser Family

To begin… these aren’t special deals.  These are suggestions I’ve hand-picked for you.  I’ve categorized them into groups for those hard-to-buy-for loved ones.  A lot of them happen to be USB products.  Go figure.  (Click each image for more information.)

FOR GRANDMA:

Grandma collects good luck trolls and loves cats, so why not get her one of these!  (Possible setback: Grandma doesn’t have a computer… hey, there’s another gift idea on the house!)

Yoda blushes when his lightsaber glows! Wait, that sounds NSFW...

Transforms your jump drive into a cat!

FOR GOTH SISTER:

She hates almost everything… except cigarettes and ironic murder!

When Texting & Driving meets Smoking & Typing...

Even unicorns hate mimes...

FOR ANNOYING KID BROTHER:

Known for liking gross things and dumb things, you can’t go wrong with these!

Saves the mess of squeezing a real frog.

This ain't your daddy's Pet Rock! It has a USB cord!

FOR PERVERTED UNCLE:

I’d suggest having these delivered to his house.

She gyrates whether or not there's any porn surfing.

I'm not here to judge. Only to provide ideas.

FOR DOUCHEBAG BROTHER AND MASSEN-GIRL SISTER:

Oh brother… oh sister…

Leave your guitar at home and play Maroon 5 songs on this shirt!

Perfect for when girls go wild!

FOR DAD:

Dad thinks he’s funny.  I mean, he maybe once was, but times change.  Time to change his towel:

FOR MOM:

Mom would like to be funny as well.  This might provide her the chance to freak everyone out.  Maybe.

FOR GRANDPA:

He’s classy.  He maybe fought in a war or two.  He married your grandma and stuck around as the above brood grew.  Get him this:

It's understated, and upside-down.

I Am Thankful For… Pink Hair

Today is the day before the big T-Day, and what better way to celebrate than by thanking the universe for pink hair.  (I was going to sing the praises of open soda fountains in fast food joints, but faint rouge follicles FTW.)

It doesn’t matter if the puce  a wig, dyed, or animated, pink is a winner.  Now presenting three solid examples:

jillwagner_jem

Also known as The Mercury Girl (click image for commercial), Jill Wagner gets the mercury rising.

natalie_portman_closer

Natalie Portman is Closer to a rapper than the singer Pink ever was (click image for proof).

Erin+Esurance

My insurance policy on how much pink hair rules (click image for more thoughts on Erin Esurance).

Not a chance this is better than pink hair (but if there happened to be Mountain Dew)...