This video leaves me equally speechless and wishing for a friend… one that would travel down the road and back again and kick this guy in the nuts for freaking me the fuck out!
BTW, where’s Sophia?
To think, I was going to post this video and leave it at that:
This salesman is having a vewy bad day…
What he needs is one of these!
I kind of like how the red Hug-E-Gram crosses out the one lady. I really like how the salesman swears with reckless abandon.
If time machines existed, I would go ahead in time one week to pick up the Hug-E-Gram I’d order today, then I’d go back 50 or so years and bring him a set of plush arms so he could record that message of love for his boss.
Not the picture I set out to find, but a joy nonetheless.
I’ve searched, and I’ve searched, and I’ve searched for some things on the web that I thought I would never find.
Two such misses, and one hit:
1) There was a radio ad for Orange Crush that was so ridiculous it would be redonkulous. In it, two terrible voice actors try to sound like hip high-schoolers, and these things happen:
And that’s just the tip of the slimy iceberg, written in the corporate Poochie kind of thinking. Fitness MILF’s – check. Slang terms – check. Dumb sounding high schoolers – check…
Pick your Poochie
Every time I heard it, I wished I had a quicker record feature on my phone, or that my blog was famous so I could sic my fans on the TripleDoubleU to track this down.
2) There’s a local plastic surgeon that had a fantastic commercial on TV for a while. In it, the announcer explained all the feats he was capable of performing, and the camera zoomed in and swirled around him and his folded arms. He nodded his head at each accomplishment in complete amazement and agreement. The best part – he was floating in the sky.But alas, he has one TV ad on his website, and this one it ain’t.
3) This one I found. Even though it’s heart is in the right place, the show’s format would make Tim and Eric jealous. It’s entitled K.E.Y.S. Kids, and it is a low-budget trip fest. To begin, K.E.Y.S. is an acronym for Kids Enjoy Your Selves, which basically makes the full title Kids Enjoy Your Selves Kids.
Is anyone else terrified?
You must check out the opening of the show, available at the bottom of this page. When I was a kid, this was the local offering:
Well, I guess that’s just as trippy…
(Orange Crush doodle via The Jlog)
How in the heckster did this guy:
Become this guy:
He once used to say, "Finish it."
I guess it’s kind of like how this happened:
"It's spelled like 'tomato' except no 'to' and and it ends with an 'er' rather than 'o'..."
This is an old commercial, but it’s new to me, which is surprising considering the amount of television I watch. But then again, I do skip the bulk of advertisements courtesy of a few select buttons on my DVR remote, so there’s that.
The moral of the story is this: If I ate seafood, the above video would make me want to Eat at Joe’s™. If only Taco Bell could push the boundaries and think outside the bun™ box, then I’d oblige.
(BONUS: To clean your palette of foul mouthery, here’s a commercial full of faces that make me smile…)
"Forehead and seven years ago..."
For some reason, the site Nic Cage as Everyone reminded me of this old video I never posted. But you need to know them both. Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Yay you!
I’m running low on my Christmas spirit as I’m quickly realizing most all of my Christmas wishes are not coming true. Smack that up against with me coming across this over-indulgent greeting card that almost two-million people have already seen (speaking of smack, that kid’s mug is begging for one):
I watched the entire extravaganza, and I guess the guy that set it up used to do special effects for Disney, but still… ick. The song is even terrible.
It kind reminds me of a light show version of this:
"It's craptastic!"
(And for the record… no, I am not his neighbor…)
How many affairs has Tiger Woods had? Eleven, twelve, fifteen? (Personally, I hope it hits and stops at eighteen ho’s… just like a golf course.)
The question alone sounds almost like it should be a nursery rhyme in the vein of How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How about:
If Tiger Woods would use his wood would he put his woody in a birdie?
If not, they could always make a movie…
Tagline: "Why sink a hole-in-one, when you can sink a hole-in-all?"
(SIDENOTE: I’m not defending him, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that all this nonsense started after his father passed away. I can’t recall hearing one source mentioning this. His father oversaw his entire life – maybe this was his 20’s rebellion just way too late.)
(original poster after the jump) Read More
Whoawhoawhoawhoa… whoa. Fuck this video.
I must reorganize my files… they’re completely out of phase!
Oh, I simply must reposition these files!
Kids: We are all robots, and you must be a robot, too!
Nick: I don’t wanna be a robot!
(via the un-terrible Everything is Terrible)
Remember in high school at the strip club, when the nuns would talk about how God makes it rain you made it rain on that stripper, and you’d get “excited” for no a very good reason? Well this video is kinda nothing like that.
(via Found Footage Festival)
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