Food | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

InASense, Lost… The Limitlessness Of Laziness

Posted on January 4, 2011 by sgottahurt

On one hand, this might not be a bad idea.

On no hands, it’s like a Bluetooth (I guess).

It's a hamburger-monica!

The infamous they always say, “Find a need and fill it.” But unless this little handy handless food device isn’t pre-sold like this, the amount of time it saves can’t be much. Besides, can you imagine trying to type while a cheeseburger is staring you right in the face? I know I’m finishing it before I get any work done.

For instance, if I had this contraption, I wouldn’t have even found it on this site to write this post. It’d be finished before I sat down to type. It’d be finished on the car ride home (heaven knows I’m not making it). It might not make it out of the drive-thru. So if I had to ready the hands-free sandwich holder, I would have eaten the sandwich way before it made it the wire frame.

I hope for the inventor’s sake, it’s not real.

That is, unless fatteries are included.

InASense, Lost… What Disturbs Me More?

Posted on December 14, 2010 by sgottahurt

I was all prepared to do a whole diatribe about this racist Duncan Hines cupcakes ad, but then I realized that site already did it justice (although not much funny).

Also… I found that this disturbed me more:

After watching, I’m sure a lot of people might be inclined to say:

Of course it’s German!

But then I realized these toys came from America and suddenly, clay-pooping dachshunds don’t seem so bad.

As for Duncan Hines – they still have mud on their face. (There was probably a better way to say that.)

A Handful Of… Videos You Must See If You Haven’t, Plus One Comic

Posted on November 29, 2010 by sgottahurt

Today’s specials include:

A CROONING MUSTACHED BABY

MORE KAZAAM REFERENCES THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT

ANIMALS EVOLVING

(Here’s the original if that one gets taken down.)

And finally, THE TRUTH, according to Pizza Stew:

I Am Thankful For… Short Weeks!

Posted on November 24, 2010 by sgottahurt

You gotta hand it to this guy:

Hi five!

Here is the logical reason why:

If not for turkeys, we would not have Thanksgiving dinners.
Without Thanksgiving dinners, we would not have Thanksgiving day parades and football games to kill time waiting for the food to be ready.
Without Thanksgiving day parades and football games, people would not have to skip work.
Since so many people would skip work anyway, it became a national holiday so everybody could not work!

Huzzah for having the fourth Thursday of every November off!

We also have to celebrate these idiots:

Overheard by someone in line - "I heard they're selling Ramen noodles for a quarter!"

For anyone not working in retail, these freaks make Friday an easy day to take off as well.

Long weekend, here I come!

I Am Thankful For… The Ultimate Alternative To Turkey

Posted on November 19, 2010 by sgottahurt

Thanksgiving is upon us, and so it is time to begin to list the things I Am Thankful For… and I shall start with this:

Surprisingly Affordable

So I bet you’re all wondering:

Is it real?

And if you’re asking that, you might have wanted to lead up to that question with this one:

Are unicorns real?

But the long and the short of it is… it is real.

Just Sh–ty To Just Sh–tier… Political Correctness Runs (As Fast As You Can) Amuck

Posted on November 16, 2010 by sgottahurt

Gingerbread Being

This week the gingerbread man dodged a bullet in the UK. He was thisclose to being furthermore referred to as (heaven forbid) a gingerbread person. But this got me thinking:

Where would this kind of political correctness take us next?

Could we no longer go “cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” since it’s insensitive to cuckoo people?

Sonny through the years, starting with a pink and white shirt, then nude, and finally whatever the current incarnation is wearing...

Would the Kool Aid Man become the Kool Aid Douchebag?

Too late...

What would become of McDonald’s beloved character, Grimace?

"Grimambiguous?"

Drunken Recollection… “Where’s Rock Bottom?”

Posted on November 14, 2010 by sgottahurt

To preface, this is the New Place Lounge in Dearborn, Michigan, pictured from the outside:

Uncensored

And this is the New Place Lounge pictured from the inside:

Uncensored

Now imagine a night that I had been drinking, um, for a good six hours, and someone told me she was going to be at the above ~~new~~ place ~~lounge~~:

Scent-sored

Now imagine my shock at this news, and me running outside to promptly call them. Here’s how the conversation sort of went:

LADY – New Place Lounge.

ME – Is Debbie Gibson going to play there?!

LADY – You don’t have to yell. I can hear you perfectly fine.

ME – I’m sorry. It sounded loud on your end so I tried to compensate! Is it true Debbie Gibson is going to be playing at your bar?!

LADY – You’re still yelling. (unintelligible) She’ll be playing at Rock Bottom.

ME – Rock Bottom? Where’s Rock Bottom?!

LADY – (hangs up)

I immediately turned to the TripleDoubleU on my phone to find out where a Rock Bottom was locally because I knew there was one in Chicago, but my efforts were fruitless. I gave up and decided to research the next day.

A couple of hours of sleep and a McDonald’s breakfast later, I translated what I’d actually heard:

LADY – For her to play here, she’d have to hit rock bottom.

TAH-DAH!

(SIDENOTE: I should have also prefaced that in my preadolescence, I was in love with Debbie Gibson. Don’t click this – it’s the gayest straight thing I ever wrote.)

JusWondering And InASense, Lost… Could This Actually Taste Good, And F— You Up?

Posted on November 6, 2010 by sgottahurt

I sure loves me some chocolate milk. It is pure delight, especially with Oreos and Chips Ahoy!

I also sure loves me some booze. It is pure delight with Taco Bell and pizza!

But can the two work together? This company sure thinks so…

Introducing Adult Chocolate Milk!

What do they mean re-taste?! I still drink chocolate milk!

With a 20% alcohol content, it better leave you feeling dairy effed up. Too bad it’s only available in Arizona, California, and Minnesota currently, and it’s super expensive to ship. Because I could really go for some booze and cookies…

A Handful Of… Food Items I Should Have Thrown Out Long Ago

Posted on October 29, 2010 by sgottahurt

One of the benefits of having my house broken into for the second time in two months (yes – this happened, and yes – there is a benefit) is cleaning up old shit. In this case, it’s food that I should have gotten around to throwing out a while ago.

Sorry that the pictures below are not that clear. This is because my phone is two years old, and in the world of technology, it’s out-dated… just like this food.

It’s a shame about the Sean’s Irish Cream Liqueur… I’ll never know how tasty the 17% alcohol concoction could have been. That is, unless my sibs buy it as a Christmas present for me again. (Me and the booze have the same name!)

The Rice Krispies box made me laugh because of its screaming promotion for Monster’s, Inc. Jigglypuff elicited the same response (that’s the Pokémon on the Kraft’s Mac & Cheese).

And I have to be honest about one thing… provided I have a weekend with no plans, I will probably still try to eat the Campbell’s Soup and the Laffy Taffy.

Maybe I can sell The Simpsons can on eBay…