Much like our friends and family (but not our nose), we can’t pick our dreams. Sure we can influence them, but it’s still the subconscious that gets the final say.
For instance, I recently dreamed about a pair of entirely different movies and their REM-rendered interpretations were off, odd, and, quite frankly, awful.
First up to bat – the above teaser poster. I didn’t envision the look of it (nor the amount of time it took to make it look like passable junk). The plot of The Secret of My Success 2 came through to me like a whisper in the night. Well, maybe not a whisper… more like a coughing hack.
The CEO of McDonald’s and his wife were having marital problems. In stepped me/Michael J. Fox… I/he suggested that the CEO sing this to his wife:
“Ba-da-bah-bah-bum… I’m lovin’ you.”
Boom! I/he became a success at McDonald’s! And it was our little (second) secret!
The other dream involved me seeing a sneak preview for a flick that hasn’t even hit theaters yet – The Expendables.
Suffice it to say, there was a switcheroo in the middle of the movie (a twist filling, if you will), and the bad guys killed off all the Expendables except for two…
I once wrote a poem entitled, “Where Do All the Deleted Letters Go?” (I considered posting it here, but that would have required me importing some old ASCII code documents into Word and performing a lot of clean up. Needless to say, if anyone requests it, I’ll post it in the comments.)
Anywhoknowswhereallthedeletedlettersgo, one letter can make a world of difference. Whether it’s changed out, or simply added, an entire piece can gain new meaning and influence. Take the song Don’t You (Forget About Me) as an example (via Moviefone):
The theme song of ‘The Breakfast Club‘ was originally called ‘Won’t You Forget About Me?‘ but was changed to the more insistent ‘Don’t You (Forget About Me)‘ after the song’s writer, Keith Forsey, learned that Molly Ringwald’s and Judd Nelson’s characters wind up together in the end. The Simple Minds recording went on to become one of the biggest hits of 1985.
It’s not a huge deal, but it’s still a deal, so let’s make a deal or no deal. Sorry about that. I don’t know what my deal was there.
So I thought of a couple of letter changes and editions that might make a hit song not so much so…
Britney Spears’ Toxic becomes Tonic
Updated lyrics:
With a taste of your lips
I now did decide
You’re tonic, I’m sipping soda
With a tastelessness of a seltzer slide
I’m indifferent to you
Don’t you know that you’re tonic
Finger Eleven’s Paralyzer becomes Paralyzed
Updated lyrics:
Well I am paralyzed
And I seem to be stuck by you
I want to make any move
You’re also staying still
If your body matches
What my eyes can’t do
You probably won’t move left or right, too
Me in my bed by you
Kesha’s Tik Tok becomes Tike Toke
Updated lyrics:
Don’t stop, sip some pop
Mama, roll my doobie up
Tonight, I’mma bite
Teddy Grahams all night
Tike toke on the bong
But the blazin’ don’t stop No No Joan Goodnight, Moon
I would have written more, but I thought this was a funny enough ending.
Although this tourism commercial for the state of Ohio was not as hastily made as these ads for Cleveland, it still feels like a video I’d make to try to get people to come over my house.
Hey everybody, I have a big screen TV! It’s 50 inches, but it’s rear projection and not widescreen, but it lights up my living room in the night!
I have a Nintendo Wii, an XBox 360, and a Playstation 3, as well! Except, I don’t have any batteries for my WiiMotes, my 360 isn’t hooked up to XBox Live, and I only have one controller for my PS3!
But I do have Pizza Rolls in my freezer, as well as a bottle of Southern Comfort! Also, there are six cans of Miller Lite in my fridge, but you’ll have to turn on the kitchen light because the bulb in the fridge has been burnt out for years!
Come to my house!
Besides those commercials, they run terrible radio ads I haven’t been able to find. So instead, howzabout a couple of local Michigan companies that could have taken another pass at designing their company logos:
And if you're for the opposing team, F U!
And if this doesn’t make you raise your rooftop, I don’t know what will:
This dream originally dealt with a weird cruise ship and a strange arcade, but it was odd in those ways you can’t explain.
What I can explain was one stand-up arcade game that projected images on the touch screen that were to be emulated by using your hands, palms, and fingers. Think Twister meets Flamin’ Finger.
Regardless, the game would be much better suited on something portable, à la iPhone:
("fingerpalm - what else were we going to call it" not available for Palm OS)
So for example, the above image would require the side of your right hand and one finger touch. Possible? No. Fun? Possibly.
But if I could have my druthers, I’d rather have an app that could locate the closest Taco Bell to me at any given point.
Taco Bell high-five!
If not that, then an app that played a pissing sound while I looked up answers to cheat at bar trivia… Don’t look at me like that! Gift certificates that can be redeemed at a later date are on the line!
Surprisingly, I’m not as big of a candy junkie as one might think. Heaven knows I used to be in my high school/college years, but not so much anymore. In those days, I ate two candy bars per day (Caramel Twix and PB Max). But that’s neither here nor there nor hear nor their nor hair nor they’re nor hare nor Nair.
AnyWhoppers, that’s not what this post is about. There is something awfully wrong with this M&M’s commercial. see if you can pick it out:
If you imagined Green working a stripper pole, I WIN! (Plus, I also lose as well as you.) If you didn’t, then check out this awful choice of words:
Now that I’m clean-shaven and no longer look like this:
The bird is the word.
Or this:
I must admit, I missed my face. I went through one day of phantom beard, but that was it. I should mention my regret for removing the season-long Red Wings hockey beard on the first day of the Stanley Cup playoffs, but in order to fly to NYC without hassle, it seemed worth the hassle. (Thank goatee they’re advancing to Round 2!)
Anysubway, I won’t bore you with the details. All the details. Just some of them.
Jay was Hitting One Liners Out of the Park
"Take me out to the ballgame, take me out to the crowd that wanted to beat up a guy for wearing a Mets' cap..."
On Friday, we headed to Yankee Stadium to see two of our beloved ex-Tigers play (Curtis Granderson and, um, Marcus Thames), and all day, my buddy Jay was calling ’em like he saw ’em.
Some of things he said that were actually documented:
I need to stop calling these trips vacations and start calling them work out retreats.
If I owned that shirt it’d be my third favorite shirt.
Hey I’m paying twenty bucks to look at empty stages tomorrow.
Steve: Who sings ‘I Can See Clearly Now the Rain is Gone?’
Jay: Ke$ha.
What are you? A garbophobe?
It’s getting all Wendy’s up in here! [This one was mine. – Ed.]
“It’s Getting All Wendy’s Up in Here!”
I wish I had photos as proof, but Wendy’s in Midtown is, simply put, insane. I don’t think it was an isolated incident either. The show Ugly Americans even gave a shout out to it.
At any rate, the breakdown of events (this all happened within fifteen minutes):
Some one threw their filled drink in the air.
A sober girl was trying to get a trashed girl up the stairs.
Steve slipped on the spilled drink and dropped everything but his drink.
Chris tripped down some stairs while holding only the top bun covered in its toppings. (He wanted a plain one.)
Somebody left a strange package on one of the tables. (I checked what it was, damned if I remember.)
A person kept screaming about how he wanted to kill everyone, and no one reacted.
I don’t know. It seemed much crazier when I was trashed.
I’m So Proud of Myself for Something Not Proud
This photo's fuzziness doesn't even come close to my eyes' fuzziness that night.
On Saturday, we found a bar called No Idea and like the bar’s name, we had no idea what was in store (hee!). We stopped here after not getting to play ping-pong at Susan Sarandon’s Spin because they were closing for a private party.
BONUS JAY QUOTE!
Here I was under the impression none of us played ping-pong.
The plan was this: kick back a few cheap drinks, make our way to bar hop in East Village, and finally check out P.D.T.’s in Crif Dogs (our missed mission from last year). Let’s just say that plan’s quickly becoming an annual tradition.
As soon as the drinks kept flowing (courtesy of an all-you-can-drink party), the remainder of the night became a blur.
Oh yeah – my proud moment… I threw up and quickly returned to drink more. I never knew I had it in me to do that!
The Drunk Idea of the Trip
Andrew Dice Clay’s reality show should have been called Rollin’ with Dice. I was going to make a graphic, but fuck it (heehee!).
This might be two handfuls worth of companies that could use some help in their advertising departments, but nonetheless – they should rethink their business plans.
1) Toyota has had some issues with vehicles not stopping. Vehicles not stopping has led to some… let’s just say, people going to heaven. Heaven is in the clouds last time I checked:
2) Happy’s Pizza is a chain here in Detroit. “Happy” looks a bit too happy in their ad. So is that a hot pizza in his hands, or is it a… (should I beat around the bush, or should I be blunt?)
3) Universal Technical Institute is what it is. UTI.edu is not.
Remember these? You held them in your hand, and the liquid would boil up to the top. Then you would take it out of your hand and then the liquid would return to the bottom… only to be boiled by your hand again. I guess these aren’t much different from those plastic collapsible animals, but they seem cooler (maybe cooler should be italicized as well).
In pre-Challenger America, NASA was The Shit. Every kid in this country dreamed of becoming astrophysicists, and we swallowed the pill that this was the way spacemen (and women) enjoyed our favorite childhood treat. It didn’t take us becoming rocket scientists to realize this wasn’t worth all the work.
“These ain’t ya daddy’s Squirmles! Wait. Yes, they are…” – Abandoned Slogan
I had a few of these as a kid and I used them to torture my sisters. Not in any “frightening” way or method, either. They always wanted to play with them; I wouldn’t let them.
My godfather bought me my first (and only) chemistry set when I was about ten. I made a lot of powders change colors, and it was awesome! This particular set costs $250. It must be super awesome…
Jimmy Johnson is an NFL coach that demands hard work and speed on the field. When off the field, he promotes Extenze (I refuse to make the Z a capital letter).
Jimmy John’s is a sandwich shop that demands hard work and speed in the field. When in the stores, they promote hard work and speed in creating tasty sandwiches.
Here are the Urban Dictionary definitions of jimmy and johnson.
I believe there is a comedy bit in here somewhere, but I don’t feel like shuffling through the gutters of my twelve-year-old mind.
So here’s an excellent bit from the Onion. It will be doing the heavy lifting.
Oh wait – I’ve got it!
Top Ten Things Overheard By Jimmy Johnson At A Jimmy John’s After Taking ExtenZe (Dammit Z, You Got Me!)
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