Film | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

JusWondering… What Else Should They Bring Back?

Posted on October 19, 2009 by sgottahurt

Often owned by strangers with candy.

Well whadayanknow?

Last year, Polaroid got rid of their Instant Cameras. I wrote about it here when this blog was still a fledgling.

But courtesy of The Impossible Project (or of a PR stunt the likes of the Heene family – the last batches of film sold recently expired), Polaroid is bringing sexy Instant Cameras back.

This got me thinking… what other foregone technologies would I like to see return?

1) Spindle

In fairy tales, they were able to spin straw into gold. They also acted as GHB when it came to princesses. So maybe they shouldn’t come back.

2) Dick Tracy Copmobile

With technology like that, kids’ imaginations had to flourish. (See the original toy commercial down below.)*

3) Top Loading VCR’s

“What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” “The VCR heads!”

Nostalgia and functionality and purpose aside… look at how easy it was to use? With all those dials and switches and buttons, you could set the clock! (Ra-tat-tat-CRASH!) Of course I want it back for nostalgic reasons (but still not functionality and purpose).

4) Libraries

The Dewey Decimal System was "thisclose" to being the Huey Whole Number System. The Louie Lottery System wasn't even close.

There’s something terribly wrong with kids today, and I stand by two reasons why:

Siblings each having their own bathroom growing up, instead of fighting to share one.
Libraries aren’t used as social gathering places anymore.

Wait, what? Libraries still exist? I thought the Internet would have surely killed them. My bad.

SIDENOTE: While we await the Instant Cameras’ re-release, why not pick up this camera that logs every moment of your life? It’s like YouTube meets Twitter!

You know you want it

*Original Dick Tracy Copmobile commercial after the jump Read More

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Harrison F—ing Ford

Posted on October 17, 2009 by sgottahurt

Is he the one-armed man?

Harrison Fucking Ford. It’s his middle name, really. (No, not really. He has none. He did go by Harrison J. Ford early in his career as not to be confused with the silent film actor of the same name, but I digress.)

Back in the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and, um, just 2000, Ol’ Harry was at the top of his game (for the most part). Not only did he bring us the above two scoundrels with their hearts of gold (each for three movies, since there is no Crystal Skull, just as there are no prequels), he also brought us:

a cowboy in a roadster (American Graffiti)
a cowboy in a temple (The Frisco Kid)
a detective in a strange land – the future (Blade Runner)
a detective in a strange land – Amish country (Witness)
a doctor chasing after terrorists who kidnapped his wife (Frantic)
a doctor chasing a one-armed man who murdered his wife (The Fugitive)
a doctor chasing his wife to murder her (What Lies Beneath)
a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Presumed Innocent)
a lawyer trying to put his life back together (Regarding Henry)
a business man with love problems (Working Girl)
a business man with love problems (Sabrina)
a cop that shares his home (The Devil’s Own)
a cop that sells homes (Hollywood Homicide)
a politician having a problem before a plane crash (Air Force One)
a politician’s aide having a problem after a plane crash (Random Hearts)
a father in the jungle (The Mosquito Coast)
a pilot in the jungle (Six Days Seven Night)
a soldier during the Vietnam War (Apocalypse Now)
a soldier during the Cold War (K-19: The Widowmaker)
Jack Ryan (Patriot Games)
Jack Ryan (Clear and Present Danger)
a flop (Firewall)
a flop (Crossing Over)

Whew. That was easy.

Anywookiee, there might be a light at the end of the tunnel. Despite the missteps in the late 90’s (Sabrina, The Devil’s Own, Six Days Seven Night), he had a good run. What changed, you might ask. I might say:

Sixty-five-year-old Harrison Ford met Calista Flockhart, 44, in 2002, when she reportedly spilled wine on him at the Golden Globes. The pair immediately started dating and have been together ever since. (via iVillage)

A-ha! Calista Fucking Flockhart happened! So if Harrison Ford wants to get back to creating iconic characters, he needs to say sayonara to Ally McBeal. I know they’re engaged and he co-adopted her adopted son, but it’s never too late to get out of it…

Harry – remember how much divorce costs? $85,000,000 ring any bells? (Notice the date of this article announcing his break from Melissa Mathison.) Don’t you see what a mistake K-19: The Widowmaker that ridiculous Russian non-accent leaving the beloved screenwriter of E.T. did to your film career?! Here’s to hoping you lose those diamond earrings and that “television star,” and you’ll return to save the Star Wars series in Episodes 7, 8, and 9!!!1! You can even have Han Solo die in 8 and skip 9 if you’d like! Whatever it takes! Be daring like Indy used to be!

Stop this from ever happening again:

InASense, Lost… Balloon Boy And His Ilk (Also, “Up” Dropping 11/10)

Posted on October 16, 2009 by sgottahurt

Ah, balloon boy.

Balloon boy, balloon boy, balloon boy.

Your mother and father wanted you to steal our hearts and imaginations, but all you did was help them crash a giant flying Jiffy Pop bag. And you may not have done that…

But one thing you did for sure – you totally crashed their dreams of more exposure.*

(SIDENOTE: Disney/Pixar’s UP will be available November 10th on Blu-ray and DVD)

Arriving November 10th

So let’s make this clear. Six-year Falcon Heene confessed stated:

You guys said, ‘We did this for the show.’

Which show was he talking about? Another episode of ABC’s Wife Swap? (They’ve already participated in two key parties swaps.)

Oh yeah, did I mention that on the 10th of November, you can get your own copy of Disney/Pixar’s UP on Blu-ray or DVD?

Buy It November 10th

What makes me mad about this fiasco is that so much time, money, and effort was donated to and wasted on what was possibly some big publicity stunt. It definitely detracts from other miracles involving children in dangerous situations, such as this little girl in Washington:

Or this infant in Australia:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

In both of these instances, those we’re supposed to protect were not, but they luckily seemed to be protected by some higher power, call it whatever name you pull out of the hat. And though these two children faced minor injury (but maybe major trauma), their stories of survival are far more interesting than some goof played by some goofball parents and their goofball kid. And they named him Falcon? Seriously?

*Disney/Pixar’s UP is finally “landing” on Blu-ray and DVD. Look for it November 10th.

On Shelves November 10th

BONUS VOMIT VIDEO:

Drunken Recollection… So Many Questions, So Many Beers

Posted on October 14, 2009 by sgottahurt

Here are some drunk items that popped up and required follow up (mostly because either my iPhone’s battery was dead, or I was too sauced to check at that moment). But it further proves my point. Well, maybe not my point as much as my slogan – “I’m Thinking Meets Drinking.”

Q: Have I ever heard of the song In The Year 2525 by Zager and Evans?

A: No. Well maybe. But I like this video somebody put together:

Q: Have I ever heard of Saturday Night Live alum, Charles Rocket?

He's a real person? I thought was a robotic character, perhaps.

A: No. Well maybe. He’s familiar looking for sure:

In further research (wassup Wiki?!), I uncovered these additional tidbits:

He was touted as a cross between Bill Murray and Chevy Chase during the 80-81 season of SNL.
He uttered the word “fuck” at the end of a show, and ceremoniously got canned with the bulk of the cast and crew (save Joe Piscopo and Eddie Murphy).
He committed suicide… by slicing his own throat.

Q: Have I ever heard of author David Foster Wallace?

A: You mean the man behind Infinite Jest, which Time magazine included in their 100 greatest English-language novels since 1923? You mean the man behind Brief Interviews with Hideous Men, which John Krasinski of The Office adapted into a film? No. Not at all. I just learned all this.

Also learned: he killed himself. (Wassup withat?!)

Q: Have you heard the original version of Unchained Melody by Al Hibbler?

A: I have now. But FYI – it technically wasn’t the original. But it did pre-date Ghost’s theme song the Righteous Brothers version.

Q: Who was I hanging out with that asked me so many questions?!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Battling Princesses

Posted on October 11, 2009 by sgottahurt

A Princess I Can Get Behind

Apparently, I’m a thirteen year old girl. Why else would I have a dream about princesses? Well, I could understand why I’d have a dream about princesses, but this dream… well, here it goes:

There were two Disney-esque princesses – Pink Dress and Light Blue Dress.
They were best friends since the were children, and they somehow lived in the same kingdom. So maybe they weren’t both princesses, but I digress.
In their teen years, a rift grew betwixt them (like that verbiage?), and Pink was banished. Light Blue ruled alone.
Pink went away and learned the art of telekinesis*.
When she returned to reclaim her position in the kingdom, she used her new power to easily make her way to Light Blue.
In the time Pink was gone, Light Blue had built up an army – an army of heavily armed soldiers. I’m talking like SWAT team style.
Pink stood before Light Blue, ready to make peace or make pieces (you see, she had a sword… I should have mentioned that).
The soldiers surrounded Pink, ready to fire.
Light Blue mocked Pink, stating the futility of her efforts. She wondered aloud if Pink could stop an onslaught of bullets…
Without hesitation, Pink used her telekinesis* to spin the soldiers to face each other and fire. They dropped like flies.

And I woke up. At least the princesses were bad asses…

*(What’s the difference between telekinesis and telepathy? Oh! Thanks Wikipedia!)

INGREDIENTS: A Tigers win (sniff), a Lions loss (eh), lotsa beer, a couple of burnt hot dogs, and 12 hours sleep.

If you happen to Google Image Search "Princess Peach" or "Princess Toadstool," please enable SafeSearch. You've been warned.

Happy Find… 2012 Preview Re-Edits

Posted on October 10, 2009 by sgottahurt

Some people believe that the world is going to end December 21, 2012. I, on the other hand, think it already has. Why else would Taco Bell have gotten rid of chili cheese burritos? (NOTE: I considered innumerable options for this “joke,” but the truth is that I really really loved their chili cheese burritos…)

Anychuro, the new movie 2012 is going to be unleashed upon us well before then. Everyone that will see it will be seeing it because of the special effects, and not the actors or their acting. Don’t believe me? Here’s the trailer with all the destruction edited out:

BONUS VIDEO: A recut of the preview as if it was 70’s Grindhouse film. Enjoy.

BONUS PLEA: If anyone out there has any pull at Taco Bell, it would give me new hope to know that they might bring chili cheese burritos back. I mean, seriously, what did chili ever do to you, Taco Bell? You can have potatoes and bacon, and not chili? You can even have BellHedz and not chili?!

See, even he looks upset you don't have chili cheese burritos...

See, even these guys look upset you don't have chili cheese burritos anymore...

Hibbidy-Wah?! Dear Japan, Despite The Title, This One Might Not Be So Bad

Posted on October 9, 2009 by sgottahurt

When I was younger, my sister had these toys called Sylvanian Families:

Are the accelerator suits and weapons sold separately?

If they were anything at all like the rabbits in this Japanese cartoon, I might have taken them from her. That is all.

(SIDENOTE: I know this has been out there for a while, but I just found this one with English subtitles… which subsequently has been out there for a while. I know it’s probably not too shocking and therefore not really Hibbidy-Wah-worthy, but… ah, I don’t need to explain myself. But really – Cat Shit One?)

Worth 1002 Words… Worst. Star Wars Pic. Ever. Edition

Posted on October 4, 2009 by sgottahurt

No Hope

Some alternates / with alternates:

Darth Paper / Anakan’t Skywalker
See Throwupio / Sado Mechanism
Princess Lame-a / Carry Dildo
Yo Dumb / Gan Dorf
Artoo Arnot / Astromech Dud
Trash Jabbag / Tattooinia Raisin

Just Sh–ty To The Sh–! Been “Wondering Years” About Frasier’s Theme Song

Posted on October 3, 2009 by sgottahurt

Usually, when I’m web surfing, I’m channel surfing. I needed to state that so you can understand why stumbling across these two discoveries blew. my. mind.

It may not be fair to say these beloved sitcoms were Just Shitty, and through the powers of the TripleDoubleU (and outstanding do-gooders uploading to YouTube), they magically became The Shit. I’m merely pointing out that the, um, points of contention these two videos address were Just Shitty moments from the original programs.

Who out there really thought the closing theme from Frasier was The Shit? Maybe Skittle Man, but I’d venture to guess not too many others. But if you slap it up, flip it, rub it down, you get this:

Likewise, The Wonder Years focused heavily on voice over work, courtesy of Home Alone baddie, Daniel Stern. Narration is perceived as a big, lazy, no-no in screenwriting, so imagine how ahead of the curb the 80’s classic would have been if Danny Stern had been left out of the equation. (It’d be tantamount to The Hills, only without the pop music filler…)

InASense, Lost… HotMilk Lingerie

Posted on October 2, 2009 by sgottahurt

The film American Pie introduced the world to a couple of notable items:

Stiffler
Guess what four-letter word he's thinking of...
Shitbreak
Who hasn't been there on a Sunday morning?
A horrific connection to apple pie (no image necessary)
And the concept of MILF’s (courtesy of Stiffler’s Mom)

That film came out eons ago, so I’m left to wonder… why does this commercial trouble me so? (The ending kind of freaks me out.)

Now I know it’s not as horrible as a dick hole in a pie, and maybe I’m being unenlightened by thinking this, but why do things keep breaking in that video? Is her stomach knocking up over shit? Is she crazy? Isn’t that dangerous to have an expectant mother in heels walking around smashed glass?

So many questions…

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around:

Rate this:

Monkey Around: