Film

Awesome Battle… Brain Characters

Posted on by sgottahurt

10) Anne Uumellmahaye from The Man with Two Brains

Steve Martin falls in love with a brain he communicates with telepathically, and throughout the end of the movie he tries to find a host body for Anne.  Sound familiar to the plot of All of Me?  The ending is close enough to keep this brain at the bottom of the list.

9) The Martians in Mars Attacks!

The way I remember it, this movie was kind of disappointing.  But it’s probably been a long enough time to give it another shot, especially since its gained steam as a cult classic.  There.  Added to my Netflix queue.  I should be getting this DVD sometime around April 2011.

8) Brainiac from Superman comics

Brainiac could have been higher if he was still in robot form, like he was in the 80’s.  Actually, I always thought he was mostly mechanical and brain-powered.  In researching this list, I discovered he’s usually like a green-skinned Lex Luthor mixed with Lobot from The Empire Strike s Back.  Fuck that.  Hence #8.

7) Brainspawn from Futurama

Futurama is a show about a guy from our time that wakes up 1000 years in the future.  Though he’s no Rip Van Winkle – and the future is no Idiocracy – Philip J. Fry is presented his true purpose, courtesy of the Brainspawn.  Due to the fact they could not dumb him down (any more than he is normally), he saved the day.  Even though they were ultimately defeated, perchance Nibbler’s elaborate plan did not work, the Brainspawn would have cleaned up house without question.

6) The Great Brain from Ugly Americans

He’s high up on this list because I really like the show, Ugly Americans.  He’s sassy like Charles Nelson Reilly, his job is to act as a sponge, and he’s a brain stem.  What’s not to love?

5) The Brain from Pinky and — I can’t quite remember…

Every night, he tried the same thing – to take over the world.  That’s not much different from a hamster running in its wheel, when you think about it.  Despite being named after a brain and not consisting primarily of one, Pinky and the Brain started as a short on Animaniacs, and then they got their own show.  That’s how he took over this spot on this list.

4) Brain from Inspector Gadget

Another “brain in name only,” this dog was no ordinary dog.  He could walk upright.  And talk (and pantomime).  And use a computer.  And wear disguises.  And solve crimes.  Let’s see your dog accomplish any two of these.  Oh, look at how your dog walks upright in a clown costume… Okay.  Make that any three of these.

3) Mother Brain from Metroid

She might be solely riding on the coattails of the famous female protagonist, Samus Aran.  All right, I’ll admit it.  Mother Brain is completely riding on Samus’ coattails.

2) Wayne “The Main Brain” McClain from Aqua Teen Hunger Force

My curiosity in live bar trivia was piqued primarily because of the episode he appeared in.  Many years later, I still participate in the brainy drinking game.  Watch ATHF, I do not.

1) Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Who else was going to be number one, really?  Shredder was supposed to be a bad-ass, and even he kowtowed to this piece of bubble gum wrapped in a weird robot suit.

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

The Fiend from Fiend Without a Face

I only heard about this movie via researching the Brainspawn from Futurama.  This movie was the inspiration for their creation, and it looks like it probably inspired a few more up above.  Furthermore, this title has gotten Billy Idol’s Eyes Without a Face stuck in my head, so no spot on the list for you…  Thanks.

Abby Normal from Young Frankenstein

It was not as much of a character as it was a bad pun.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Should We Have Rules Against Hollywood Nepotism?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Mr. Me-Oh-My and the Meh Men

Not every generation is the greatest.  It could be argued that not any generation is, but who am I to say.

What I want to evaluate today are the Actors! that either breed other Actors!, pull their sibling(s) into the biz, or make it to Hollywood courtesy of extended family or heritage, and if the next of kin is up to snuff.

This idea came to light courtesy of two recent “entertainment” offerings: The Karate Kid remake, and the TV show called The Good Guys.  Is it possible that Jaden Smith and Colin Hanks are worthy (eventual) replacements for their superstar Actor! parents Will Smith and Tom Hanks?  Time will tell, but my advice is this… wait until Shiloh Joile-Pitt and Suri Cruise battle for the fate of the world.

In creating these lists, I was hard pressed to find very many instances where the remakes were better than the originals (only two, as a matter of fact – check my answers at the bottom).  What do you think?

LIKE PARENT, LIKE CHILD

  • Martin Sheen -> Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez
  • Beau Bridges -> Jeff and Beau Bridges
  • Bruce Paltrow -> Gwyneth Paltrow
  • Goldie Hawn -> Kate Hudson
  • Bruce Willis->Rumor Willis
  • James Caan->Scott Caan
  • Jon Voight->Angelina Jolie
  • Dom DeLuise->Peter, Michael, and David DeLuise
  • Jerry Stiller->Ben Stiller
  • Susan Sarandon -> Eva Amurri
  • Joel Grey->Jennifer Grey

SIBLING REVERIE

  • Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal
  • Rosanna, David, Patricia, and Alexis Arquette
  • Alec, Daniel, Stephen, and William Baldwin
  • Owen, Luke, and Andrew Wilson
  • Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears
  • Eddie and Charlie Murphy
  • Bill and Joel Murray and Brian Doyle-Murray
  • Matt and Kevin Dillon
  • Hilary and Haylie Duff
  • John and Joan Cusack
  • Ben and Casey Affleck
  • Ralph and Joseph Fiennes
  • Kirk and Candace Cameron
  • Meg and Jennifer Tilly
  • John and Ellen Travolta
  • Warren Beatty and Shirley MacClaine

MULTIPLE BRANCHES

  • Ron Howard->Clint (brother) and Bryce Dallas Howard (daughter)
  • Henry Fonda->Jane (daughter), Peter (son), and Bridget Fonda (granddaughter)
  • Eric Roberts->Julia (sister) and Emma Roberts (daughter)
  • Francis Ford Coppola -> Sophia Coppola (daughter) and Nicolas Cage (nephew)

EXTENDED FAMILY

  • John Barrymore ->Drew Barrymore (grandfather)
  • Ernest Hemmingway->Margaux and Mariel Hemmingway
  • Bonnie Bedelia -> Macaulay, Kieran, and Rory Culkin (nephews)

HONORABLE MENTION

  • The Wayans Family

UNFORTUNATE COATTAILS

  • James Belushi (John)
  • Joaquin Phoenix (River)
  • Kevin Farley (Chris)
  • Jason Ritter (John)

THE CLEAR WINNERS

  • Donnie Wahlberg brought us Mark
  • Rosemary Clooney lead us to George

What?  Don’t tell me Donnie’s performance in the opening of The Sixth Sense was better then Marky Mark’s Funky Bunch of film work.  And of course, George = no contest.

(Did I miss any?)

A Handful Of… Show’s Not Given A Fair Shake On TV (And “Too Bad It’s Cancelled” Lists)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This little list came to light courtesy of my pal Chris lamenting a few shows that have come to pass.  Two of them I had watched and whole-heartedly agreed with; one I had not watched but have since picked up on DVD for $14.99.

The one I will soon be watching: Life On Mars.  What’s there not to like about a cop getting hit by a car in 2008, waking up in 1973, and calling himself Luke Skywalker?  Add Harvey Keitel and bring to a hard-boiled pulp fiction.

Apparently I'm so out of the loop on this show, Rachel Lefevre and Colm Meaney (both on the right) never made it past the pilot.

The two I actually enjoyed quite a bit: Miss Guided and Kath & Kim.

Not pictured: Chris Parnell... He must have been at a viewing of "The Chronic-what!-cles of Narnia."

Miss Guided (not to be confused with Alicia Silverstone’s Miss Match) was about a high school counselor working at her alma mater with other former classmates.  That wasn’t used as a source of tomfoolery or chicanery; it just happened to be.  But they were entertaining characters in spite the “high-(school)-concept,” and I wish it couldn’t have been given more time.

Not pictured: dignity.

Kath & Kim was fairly unique for a couple of reasons:

  1. Its retro (?) gauche look.
  2. Its odd comic timing.
  3. It predates Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz’s new movie – Knight & Day – by two years.  (See… Kath’s last name is Day, and her beau’s last name is Knight.)
  4. I hate Selma Blair normally and I liked her on this show.

Though it took two episodes for me to get into this Australian remake, once I did, I appreciated the strange universe that Kath & Kim lived in.

It's like you don't know any of these people.

It’s Like, You Know… was another show that came to mind that never got a fair shake.  I watched it mainly because I was a fan of Chris Eigeman, king of the indie films I watched in college (most notably Kicking and Screaming – not the Will Ferrell version), and A.J. Langer (because she was cute).

It was about a guy (Eigeman) from New York that moved to Los Angeles and couldn’t get the lifestyle.  It premiered after I had moved back from L.A., so I had an extra appreciation for it maybe.  The best gag I remember from the show – nobody could recognize Jennifer Grey (who played herself) because she had a nose job.  It sounds mean, but it wasn’t.

"Yes, Dear," that is the second chick to babysit "Monk."

To me, this next show shares a distinct privilege with only one other show.  I must have watched the pilot for Boston Common more than five times before the next episode premiered (Pushing Daisies holds the paired seat).

What I remember enjoying so much about it was the perfect rhythm of its story mixed so well with natural humor. Anthony Clark was sincere (which was never attained ever on Yes, Dear); Traylor Howard was sassy (which she was able to showcase in the next show on my list, as well as Monk); and oh, I don’t know… it was charming.

Somebody lost count, apparently. And the pizza.

From the get-go of Two Guys and a Girl (née Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place), I knew Ryan Reynolds was going to be a big star.  It took a little longer than I expected (and a major workout regime), but I could tell his Chevy Chase-ish schtick was going to get him far.

This guy… I didn’t see it coming:

I guess he's not "that" big of a star... yet.

The last show in my A Handful of Show’s Not Given a Fair Shake on TV (and “Too Bad It’s Cancelled”) list is Stark Raving Mad, starring post-Wings Tony Shalhoub and post-Starship Troopers Neil Patrick Harris (you thought I was going to say say post-Doogie Howser, MD).

I was going to say I was stark, raving, mad this was cancelled, but I won't.

To think… if this show would have lasted, we may never have Adrian Monk and more importantly… Barney Stinson.

Beware of the Shelly Galezby area.

Happy Finds… Overdue Shout Outs To Some Nerd Sites

Posted on by sgottahurt

They might not update that often, but these are a few sites i enjoy checking up on from time to time.

Toys!

You want toys!

Then head on over to Weirdo Toys to find the likes of this!

Once upon a time, also found in my basement.

Cartoons!

You want cartoons!

Then allow me to present Worst Cartoons Ever!

Azula (from "Avatar: The Last Airbender") was picked the best villain after The Joker (from "Batman")... I can't complain about that.

Comics!

You want comics!

Well if you want comics (and TV and movies), then look no further than Atomic Gadfly!

Currently, there's a very interesting article about Don Glover's bid to play Peter Parker in the new Spider-Man reboot.

The final nerd site I’d like to recommend… this one!

JusWondering… Is It Better To Be First Or Last?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Will Ferrell would be the first to tell you, "Dunking is the last thing I'll try again."

This will be a simple study.  I’ll play it as a game of percentages whether a film is good or not, based upon reviews via Rotten Tomatoes.  Then I’ll make up some way to decide which is better – to be first… or last?

Let’s start with the “firsts,” first…

  • First Daughter – bad at 9%
  • First Sunday – bad at 14%
  • At First Sight – bad at 34%
  • The First Wives Club – bad at 42%
  • 50 First Dates – bad at 44%
  • First Knight – bad at 44%
  • Murder in the First – bad at 52%
  • First Blood – good at 86%
  • Star Trek: First Contact – good at 92%

Two out of nine films were considered good.  That means 22% of titles that include the word “first” are good.  One in about five is not a blue ribbon winner.

Maybe this kind of blue ribbon.

Last but not lease, here a the “lasts”…

  • I Know What You Did Last Summer – bad at 34%
  • The Last Action Hero – bad at 39%
  • The Last House on the Left (remake) – bad at 42%
  • The Last Boy Scout – bad at 43%
  • The Last Unicorn – bad at 50%
  • The Last Castle – bad at 52%
  • Save the Last Dance – bad at 53%
  • X-Men: The Last Stand – bad at 57%
  • The Last House on the Left (original) – good at 63%
  • The Last Samurai – good at 65%
  • The Last Station – good at 71%
  • The Last Temptation of Christ – good at 83%
  • The Last King of Scotland – good at 87%
  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade – good at 89%
  • The Last Emperor – good at 91%
  • The Last of the Mohicans– good at 97%
  • The Last Picture Show – good at 100%
  • Last Night – N/A
  • The Last Airbender – N/A

Nine of seventeen films that have been reviewed (Last Night and The Last Airbender aren’t out yet) were given good reviews.  This means that a little more than every other movie using “last” in the title (53% of them) are bound to be good.

So to answer the question nobody was asking but me, my new script called Last of the Firsts has a 75% chance at being good! Or does that mean it has a 125% chance of being bad?

No matter what, it still has to be better than First Daughter…

This is one of the worst posters I've ever seen.

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Can You Judge A Book By Its Cover?

Posted on by sgottahurt

No, it's "So, Duh! Pop Quiz"...

I contemplated going a few different ways with this quiz, but instead of having you decide the plot based on the artwork of the cover, I wondered if you could remember the title based on the artwork of the cover.  I was going to give you multiple options, but I remembered that I’m

    a) mean
    b) a jerk
    c) lazy
    d) all of the above

Good luck!  And sorry about my terrible skills as a Photoshopper on two of them (the other three were easy)!

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

BONUS QUESTION:  Three of these books have something in common (besides the being easy to edit part)… what is it?

(To check out some classic titles made sarcastic with quotation marks via College Humor, click here.)

(For the answers, check after jump…) Read More

In My Brain While Sleeping… Preview “The Secret Of My Success 2” And “The Expendables” Twist

Posted on by sgottahurt

(Not So) Theatric Poster

Much like our friends and family (but not our nose), we can’t pick our dreams.  Sure we can influence them, but it’s still the subconscious that gets the final say.

For instance, I recently dreamed about a pair of entirely different movies and their REM-rendered interpretations were off, odd, and, quite frankly, awful.

First up to bat – the above teaser poster.  I didn’t envision the look of it (nor the amount of time it took to make it look like passable junk).  The plot of The Secret of My Success 2 came through to me like a whisper in the night.  Well, maybe not a whisper… more like a coughing hack.

The CEO of McDonald’s and his wife were having marital problems.  In stepped me/Michael J. Fox… I/he  suggested that the CEO sing this to his wife:

“Ba-da-bah-bah-bum… I’m lovin’ you.”

Boom!  I/he became a success at McDonald’s!  And it was our little (second) secret!

The other dream involved me seeing a sneak preview for a flick that hasn’t even hit theaters yet – The Expendables.

Suffice it to say, there was a switcheroo in the middle of the movie (a twist filling, if you will), and the bad guys killed off all the Expendables except for two…

Tough Guys: Topher Grace and Jay Baruchel

Musical Musings… What A Difference A Letter Makes

Posted on by sgottahurt

I'm about to turn your world upside-down, too.

I once wrote a poem entitled, “Where Do All the Deleted Letters Go?” (I considered posting it here, but that would have required me importing some old ASCII code documents into Word and performing a lot of clean up.  Needless to say, if anyone requests it, I’ll post it in the comments.)

Anywhoknowswhereallthedeletedlettersgo, one letter can make a world of difference.  Whether it’s changed out, or simply added, an entire piece can gain new meaning and influence.  Take the song Don’t You (Forget About Me) as an example (via Moviefone):

The theme song of ‘The Breakfast Club‘ was originally called ‘Won’t You Forget About Me?‘ but was changed to the more insistent ‘Don’t You (Forget About Me)‘ after the song’s writer, Keith Forsey, learned that Molly Ringwald’s and Judd Nelson’s characters wind up together in the end. The Simple Minds recording went on to become one of the biggest hits of 1985.

It’s not a huge deal, but it’s still a deal, so let’s make a deal or no deal.  Sorry about that.  I don’t know what my deal was there.

So I thought of a couple of letter changes and editions that might make a hit song not so much so…

  • Britney Spears’ Toxic becomes Tonic

Updated lyrics:

With a taste of your lips
I now did decide
You’re tonic, I’m sipping soda
With a tastelessness of a seltzer slide
I’m indifferent to you
Don’t you know that you’re tonic

  • Finger Eleven’s Paralyzer becomes Paralyzed

Updated lyrics:

Well I am paralyzed
And I seem to be stuck by you
I want to make any move
You’re also staying still
If your body matches
What my eyes can’t do
You probably won’t move left or right, too
Me in my bed by you

  • Kesha’s Tik Tok becomes Tike Toke

Updated lyrics:

Don’t stop, sip some pop
Mama, roll my doobie up
Tonight, I’mma bite
Teddy Grahams all night
Tike toke on the bong
But the blazin’ don’t stop
No No Joan
Goodnight, Moon

I would have written more, but I thought this was a funny enough ending.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Unfortunately, LOST

Posted on by sgottahurt

I need to invent a version of this called "Draw Your Own Conclusions - LOST Edition"...

I wanted to love it.  I really did.

But ever since the “origin story” of Jacob and the Man In Black in the episode titled, Across the Sea (from a whole two weeks ago), I started having my doubts.  Blame it on seeing The Man Behind the Curtain.  Blame it on seeing bad-ass Darth Vader getting called Annie by a fish-rabbit.  But witnessing the beginnings of the enigmatic answer-holders toThe Island made us all realize they held no answers – only more questions.

Last week’s episode – What They Died For – continued illuminating Desmond’s path of getting the other passengers of Oceanic 815 to remember where they’d been, and it gave me hope again about the show’s finale.

So what went wrong, in my opinion?  Oddly, I’d say over-explanation.

That’s when you say, What?!  But they didn’t explain anything!

And that’s when I’d say, let me explain:

THE OVER-EXPLANATION

Jacob and the Man In Black were simply better as ageless entities.  They’ve been referred to as Yin and Yang; Right and Wrong; God and Satan; Alpha and Omega; Coke and Pepsi.  And they were much better for the mystery of it.  The second they became brothers manipulated by another who-the-hell-is-this, I understood the reason for the setup was to explain the Candidates. But they still could have remained ageless entities, searching throughout all of human civilization (from Atlantis to the Egyptians to Dharmaville) for their replacements.

INDIANA JONES AND THE EXPLANATION OF LOST

Remember how everybody loves  Raiders of the Lost Ark and everybody hates Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  Let’s use the good and the bad to explain the ugly that was The End.

As the finale progressed, and each of our star-crossed survivors found each other again, I’ll admit that I was eating it up.  Although what ultimately happened didn’t mesh with what I hoped would happen,  that’s still not the only reason the ending didn’t make me completely happy.

So let’s turn LOST into ROTLA to examine the reason why.  For the entire movie, Indiana Jones has been fighting Nazis and greedy archaeologists to find the LOST Ark first.  This man of science and history has been turned into a man of faith, à la Jack Shephard.

But whereas in ROTLA, Indy’s true faith was tested, I fear Jack’s was not (at least not as effectively, because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE ISLAND, THE LIGHT, AND THAT POOL?!).  And what happened after that would have been like Indy dying and going to purgatory/limbo/Mu/”the waiting place” to finally be happy with Marion Ravenwood (which I would have probably preferred over KOTCS).

It’s not a Snickers bar.  It’s hardly satisfying.  And it renders everything that happened on The Island and in the Sideways Reality pointless.  If this was a Nirvana they subconsciously created, why would they have invited murder, deception, and new kids like David, to exist?

Which brings me back to Jack and the Beanstalk, I mean, Fountain.  I couldn’t believe that even a part of me was hoping an alien or an ancient being would appear like the creatures in KOTCS to shed some insight into it all.  But no.  Not a thing.

I have to live with the stupid, frozen, Island-moving, donkey wheel being relegated to an idea Man In Black devised.

I have to live with the fact that Charles Widmore was nothing more than anybody else.

I have to live with the notion that Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Miles, Richard, and Frank were the only ones that escaped the Island… maybe.

WHAT MY HOPE EVOLVED INTO AS THE SHOW NEARED ITS END

I started hoping that the Sideways Story was an alternate reality created by the nuclear bomb detonation (hence Juliet’s claim, “It worked.”)

I started thinking that Desmond’s true purpose was to help guide all the survivors’ consciousnesses to this reality from the original reality so they could live happily ever after.

I started wondering if Miles would somehow not end up on the Ajira plane, allowing only Frank and Richard to make their escape since they were not shown in the Sideways Story, and the Island would have been destroyed, taking everyone else in the process.

But instead, all I got was an ending that was simply a Sideways Version of the South Park episode, Dead Celebrities:

The Final Church Scene from LOST

Hibbidy-Wah?! Foreign Pop Culture Is Foreign To Me

Posted on by sgottahurt

I consider myself to be quite the pop culture pundit.  American pop culture, that is.  I’d go as far as to say we as a nation created it, although that may not be entirely true.

Imagine my Hibbidy-Wah?! reaction when my co-worker pal Dave found this YouTube video of an Italian pop star that has over 10 million hits!  (I’m sure the view count has little to do with the song.)

Her full name is Sabrina Salerno and this song came out in 1987.  It hit the Top 5 in most European countries (of course), but as far as I could find, it never made its way here.  Let it be known that as of 2009, she was still releasing new music.

SIDENOTE: Are we sure the song isn’t really called, Buoys?

This leads me to a recent discovery of my own, and a reluctant admission.

— I enjoy watching crappy movies that are on Comcast’s OnDemand. —

There.  I said it.  It feels… like no big deal if I don’t list the turds I’ve subjected myself to, such as Toxic Avenger 1 & 2, Cherry 2000, Happy Birthday to Me, G.O.R.P., and most recently, Hot Bubblegum.

I miss clam shells...

What I thought was a foreign ripoff of Porky’s was actually the third film in series that inspired the American (and in Porky’s case – Canadian) sex romps.

The nine film series (what is this… American Pie?!) started with 1978’s Lemon Popsicle.  Here’s the preview:

To anyone up on their early 80’s filmography that might have looked familiar:

The Last American Virgin was directed by Boaz Davidson… the same guy that directed the first four Lemon Popsicle films!  (Think of it as precursor to our recent slew of American remakes of foreign films.)

I guess other than these revelations, I don’t have much else to say.  Other than this…

— They should remake Cherry 2000 with Megan Fox in Melanie Griffith’s role! —

I'm quite serious.