Film

(Mostly) Awful Battle… Flicks I’ve Seen Abroad

Posted on by sgottahurt

As Fred Durst once said, "Keep rollin'..."

Whenever I travel the United States, it’s practically a guarantee that I will see at least one movie in the theater at my destination.  Sometimes I will even see movies on the way there.  When I’ve visited other countries, it’s not as common, but it has happened.

On my recent trip to Prague, I was fairly certain I was going to survive without visiting the local cinema, especially since I watched so many movies on a laptop and on the plane ride.  After walking around Krakow for five hours non-stop, and having a hotel check-in still hours away, a moving picture show was an inevitable break.

The options were limited.  This was the result:

 

Tamara Drewe

Now in my defense, the poster was much more innocuous.  It contained three faces framed in colored boxes (one belonging to the alluring, formerly six-fingered, Gemma Arterton), the name “Tamara” – which could have easily been Polish just like everything else in the ad, and Stephen Frears.

Stephen Frears directed High Fidelity and Dirty Pretty Things.  He also directed The Grifters and Dangerous Liaisons.  Hero, anyone?  (The Hero with Andy Garcia, Dustin Hoffman, and Geena Davis.  Anyone?!)  I thought it was a safe bet.  It was only safe – nothing challenging or acutely interesting at all.

Nonetheless, it got me thinking about other spectacles witnessed in exotic locales.  I’m not too proud.

LONDON, ENGLAND

I saw the one-two, um, punch of The Dark Knight and Donkey Punch.  I’m embarrassed to admit to seeing the latter, whereas I’m embarrassed to admit how much I paid* to see the former.  Especially since it was the third time I saw the superhero masterpiece.

The Former

 

The Latter

PARIS, FRANCE

I would like to say this was the only film playing in version originale, meaning it was in English with French subtitles, so I am.

Notting Hill

WINDSOR, ONTARIO

I had to The Mexican in Canada.

I had to.

 

The Mexican

* I paid £9 in 2008… that equaled $18.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonks Unleashed!

Posted on by sgottahurt

It's all connected... like whatever this toy is.

You know how people say…

You don’t choose books; books choose you.

Well, maybe the same thing happens with movies.  I mean, I know when it comes to books, it’s usually about how the incidents in the book reflect something in your life.  For movies, it always seems that there’s a connection.  Not between me and the movie, idiot.  Between the consecutive movies!

For instance, on the flight to Prague, I watched four movies: The Other Guys, Despicable Me, Salt, and most of Knight and Day.  While I had downtime the last two weeks (actually, it was the nights I stayed up late because I couldn’t sleep… because I didn’t drink enough, I guess), I saw Dinner for Schmucks, Eurotrip, Easy A, 17 Again, and Bolt.  On the last day, I almost went to the theater to see Megamind.  There’s one anomaly film in the mix, but that will get a special shout-out at the end.

Onto the Coinkydinks Or Coinkydonks!

  • Traitor!

Mr. Katie Holmes

World- (and possibly universe-, if the Scientologists know what they’re talking about) famous Actor! Tom Cruise was originally attached to star in Salt, a flick about a spy and possible traitor to the government.  But he feared the character was too similar to his Ethan Hunt character in the Mission: Impossible films, who was a spy and possible traitor to the government (at least in the first one).  So he starred in Knight and Day instead… as a spy and possible traitor to the government.

  • Keepin’ It In the Family

Michelle Trachtenberg

Cutie-pie Michelle Trachtenberg needs to sit down and have a talk with her agent.  In Eurotrip, there’s a pretty funny scene where her character, while tripping on absinthe, makes out with her twin brother on the dance floor.  In 17 Again, she tries to make out with her dad.  Sure, it’s Zac Efron as a younger Matthew Perry, but still!

  • Did These Get Made on the Same Lot? 

Steve Carell

Of course, both Despicable Me and Dinner for Schmucks star the grinning goof above, but isn’t it weird that both Flight of the Concorde’s Jemaine Clements and Saving Sarah Marshall’s Jason Segel are in both?!  That’s a lot of boths!

  • When You’re Good, You’re Good…

Malcolm McDowell

…and no one’s, um, gooder at being bad(ish) as Malcolm McDowell.  He portrayed the villainous Dr. Calico in Disney’s Bolt, and the villainous thorn-in-the-side Principal Gibbons in Easy A.

  • Easy, Eh?

Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell headed-up The Other Guys and Megamind.  Isn’t that enough?

Oh yeah, and about that special shout-out… we also watched The Graves.  What’s that? you say.  I’ll let the preview explain it for you, because it was even worse and incomprehensible than I could have ever expected (you need to at least see the 0:47 second mark):

Drunken Recollections… Coconuts And Bowling Balls

Posted on by sgottahurt

What else did you expect this post to open with?

Train rides are not commonplace for me back home, let alone drunken train rides.  While I’m in Prague, I’ve gotten quite used to them.

During one of my many discussions with Steve, we started on the topic of tropical films, namely Couples Retreat.  I mentioned that it’s a general rule that films that take place in vacation spots feel like half-assed movies.  Everyone’s in paradise!  Why would they want to work?

So we started thinking about the exceptions and the rules.  Obviously, on the inebriated spot, we didn’t mention most of these:

RULES

  • Couples Retreat
  • Club Dread (I liked this one, but it really isn’t that good)
  • Club Paradise
  • The Beach
  • Into the Blue
  • Blue Crush
  • Fool’s Gold
  • Six Days, Seven Nights
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
  • A Perfect Getaway
  • Jaws: The Revenge
  • 50 First Dates (also likeable but weak… let alone twisted)
  • Summer Rental
  • Joe Versus the Volcano
  • Captain Ron
  • Cabin Boy
  • Cutthroat Island
  • The Pirate Movie
  • The Heartbreak Kid (remake)
  • My Father the Hero

EXCEPTIONS

  • Forgetting Sarah Marshall
  • Cast Away
  • Jurassic Park
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
  • One Crazy Summer (you gotta give me this one)
  • Point Break (you don’t hafta give me this one)

UNDECIDEDS

  • Blue Lagoon
  • Return to Blue Lagoon (probably a RULE)
  • The Heartbreak Kid (original)
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Open Water
  • Scooby-Doo
  • Weekend at Bernie’s
  • Weekend at Bernie’s II (probably a RULE, too)

It even applies to TV shows, if not more so than.  But I’ll save that for another post.

Oh!  And as to why there’s a mention of bowling balls – Steve wondered what it would take to have a bowling lane in your home.  If it looked like this…

"Pardon me, but I left my shoes in my other bowling alley."

…then it would only cost $88,000.  If it looked like this…

Yep. I went there because it's easy.

…then prepare to shell out $149.99.  Plus tax.

Did I miss any?  Did I misplace any?  Comment below!

In My Brain While Sleeping… You Never Wanna Dream This Feeling

Posted on by sgottahurt

Welcome to the nightmare.

I don’t know if our time was up.  If it was the end days, it was the last day.  Our destroyer had arrived, and whether it was giants, transparent entities, The Big Guy (or Gal), or aliens, the method of our demise was tantamount to pulling our plugs.

No really.  It was as if our plugs were pulled out.  Specifically, our spines.

For me, it wasn’t a smooth transition from the here to the next.

As we waited like Chicken McNuggets in a 50 piece box for our turn, we remained silent, contemplative, reliving every moment of our lives.  I was the only one that seemed to be panicky.  When I was lifted up for the extraction, I was wiggling.  The overlord grabbed my tailbone, and yanked.  It felt like a giant tooth being pulled out of your ass and a plank-sized splinter from your mind.

I was a piled mess.  But I was still aware.

As I looked around at the other human globules, I realized they no longer contained life.

I couldn’t scream.  I couldn’t even make a peep.  How was I going to get their attention to inform them that I wasn’t destroyed?

They knew, though.  And quickly I was lifted back up.  My spine was shoved back into my body, and like a plumbing snake, it was fished about and yanked once again.  With this, I woke up.

Now how is this a post about pop culture?  Here are some pop culture representations of how I felt:

Mojo from the X-Men

Chet from Weird Science

Mr. Bill after an accidentMr. Potato Head in Toy Story 3

Paul "Shitbreak" Finch in American Pie



Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (and CNN broadcast)

Pizza the Hutt in Space Balls

Melting guy in Street Trash

Chicken McNuggets

(SIDENOTE: I highly recommend not ever having this dream.)

INGREDIENTS: Kielbasa bought at 1am outside of a train station in Prague.  (First Czech Republic trip shout out!)

A Handful Of… Part 3’s That Surpassed Parts 1 & 2

Posted on by sgottahurt

Jesus Christ...

Trilogies (let alone film series) are a tricky thing.  How do you continue to succeed three films in?

The most common option is to add more of the same but different.  Cases in point:

  • Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause (added villainous Jack Frost)
  • Once Upon a Time in Mexico (added blinded gunslinger played by Johnny Depp)
  • Oh, God! You Devil (added another George Burns)
  • Blade: Trinity (added Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel, for some reason)
  • Look Who’s Talking Now (SPOILER ALERT! It’s dogs!)
  • Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son (This. Is. Real. Folks.)

By doing so, filmmakers walk a fine line between celebrating the previous entries and making mockeries of them (not that any of the above were masterpieces, but still).

Some III’s have gotten close by following the above examples, and at times in my youth, I might have argued that they were better than the original film, but I’ve gotten budwiser.

  • Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (added “dad” like how Big Momma 3 added “son” *chills*)
  • Return of the Jedi (added Ewoks like how Blade 3 added Biel’s hot booty)
  • Back to the Future 3: From the Old West to the New! (I know that’s not its real name, but it changed the game like Once Upon a Time in Mexico did)

The other route Part Trois’ follow simply lead to clusterfucksville by trying to go big AND go home.  Don’t see the banging whimpers:

  • Matrix Revolutions
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
  • Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Only a few 3’s have got it right.  They’ve walked the line of concluding with a bang (sometimes continuing with a bang), adding new, but celebrating the before.  In no particular order:

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Lord of the Rings Return of the King

Also known as: "Aragon's Song"

Some could argue that this had a rich story to pull from, or that it’s really just the ending of one long movie (this is what I argued), but isn’t that what a trilogy is supposed to be?  Writer/director/cameo Actor! Peter Jackson kept reveals hidden from each film to the next, and it kept each installment an exciting time investment.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Not pictured: The Okay

I haven’t seen this film (not without trying), but it’s considered the best of director Sergio Leone’s The Dollars Trilogy or The Man With No Name Trilogy.  The trilogy’s name is almost a trilogy!

Three Colors: Red

Slogan: "It'll tickle you pink!"

This I did see.  Fancy that… a French film over a Western.  I guess that’s why I said fancy that.  Writer/director Krzysztof Kieslowski brings it all home in the third film of the Three Colors trilogy (Blue and White) precede it.  Although at first, none of the stories seem connected, this one does all the heavy lifting in the end.  Très vachement forte!

Goldfinger

"Five Goldfingers! Four Dr. No's, three Moneypenny's..."

This third official James Bond film set not only records, but precedents for the rest of Sean Connery’s appearances as Agent 007.  A classic amongst classics!

Toy Story 3

I finally get it! It's like "Toy Store-E"... ha!

If Mickey Mouse created Walt Disney, then the original Toy Story made Pixar.  As the studio’s first major theatrical release, Toy Story lit G.I. Joe action figures on fire and raised the Barbie Dream House for what animated films could not only look like, but make you feel.  Disney even had to chase and catch up.  Although the first film is still a fun, endearing piece of entertainment, Toy Story 3 is a beautiful swan song that exemplifies fifteen years of cinematic accomplishments.  Quentin Tarantino even thinks so.

Piranha 3D

Jaws 3D was already taken.

Having seen all three Piranha movies, this one accomplished what it exactly set out to do: be a dumb, fun, titillating (pun intended) 3D summer movie.  Sure, the original Piranha had some weird small creature walking around that was never explained, and James Cameron’s infatuation with water showed its gums in Piranha Part 2: The Spawning, but this had… well, I’m not going to spoil anything for you.

(SIDENOTE: Jackass 3D was thisclose to making it, but I never saw the first two and decided it wouldn’t be fair.  For some reason.)

Disagree with anything?  Agree with everything?  Comment below!

Happy Find… Star Wars Here! (But Far, Far Away…)

Posted on by sgottahurt

How effing cool is this?

"Kick back and relax..." "Roger, roger..."

(SIDENOTE: I am not sure why sometimes I feel it necessary to censor myself and type “effing” instead of the real word.  Oh well, fuck it.)

This is just one doctored shot in the film series by Cedric Delsaux.

(SIDENOTE: I was going to specify that he was a French photographer, but it seemed self-explanetory.  Ha!  See-threepio what I did there?)

Basically, he took pictures around Dubai, and added in Star Wars characters.  It’s as nerdy cool as it sounds.  You can check the rest out by clicking here.

In other Star Wars news, could these fire rescue masks be the inspiration for Darth Vader and C-3PO?

Yeah, probably.

Apparently they were used in between the late 1880’s and World War I.  From the article in the Atlantic:

“The buzz among collectors is that George Lucas’ designers must have found inspiration in these smoke helmets and other [sic] like them,” [collector Steve] Erenberg wrote. “In fact, one well-known 19th-century manufacturer” — that early company — “was named Vajen-Bader.” From there, Vader isn’t a big stretch.

(SIDENOTE: None of it’s a big stretch.)

(Thanks Becky for the find at the top!)

JusWondering… Why Can Rappers Act And Not Rockers?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Parents just don't understand... that I used to be a rapper!

Thank the New Years Baby (and this post on NY Mag’s Vulture) that I don’t have to figure out all the rappers turned Actors! and their levels of success crossing over.  In a nutshell, from most Actor! to least Actor!, I present their list (which is worth checking out):

  1. Will Smith
  2. Marky Mark
  3. Queen Latifah
  4. Ice Cube
  5. Common
  6. Ice-T
  7. Mos Def
  8. 50 Cent
  9. Tupac
  10. Ludacris
  11. Drake
  12. Snoop Dogg
  13. Eminem

Sure, this list missed plenty of others, such as:

  • LL Cool J – “NCIS: Los Angeles,” Any Given Sunday
  • Xzibit – Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call New Orleans, xXx: State of the Union
  • T.I. – Takers, ATL
  • DMX – Cradle 2 The Grave, Exit Wounds
  • Ja Rule – Assault on Precinct 13, The Fast and the Furious

Oh wait, and there’s also:

  • Bow Wow – Lottery Ticket, Like Mike
  • André 3000 – Four Brother, Be Cool
  • Big Boi – Idlewild, Who’s Your Caddy?
  • Method Man – “The Wire,” How High
  • Redman – Seed of Chucky, How High

Damn.  That list didn’t help as much as I thought.  I found ten more on my (sorta) own.

Anywhooptiewoon****wut, that being said, how many rockers can you name?

  • Jon Bon Jovi (Pay It Forward, U-571)
  • Gene Simmons (Extract, Runaway)
  • Chris Isaak (Silence of the Lambs, Married to the Mob)
  • Mick Jagger (Freejack, Ned Kelly)
  • Joan Jett (Light of Day)
  • …Neil Diamond? (The Jazz Singer)

It’s a fairly scant list with not a large catalog behind them.  What if you add in huge popular stars?

  • Elvis Presley (a bunch of films)
  • Frank Sinatra (Manchurian Candidate)
  • Madonna (Evita, Despertely Seeking Susan)
  • Barbra Streisand (Little Fockers, Funny Girl)
  • Cher (Moonstruck, Mask)
  • Prince (Purple Rain, Under the Cherry Moon)
  • Diana Ross (The Wiz, Lady Sings the Blues)
  • Mariah Carey (Precious, Glitter)
  • Janet Jackson (Poetic Justice, Why Did I Get Married?)

And the ingenues?

  • Britney Spears (Crossroads)
  • Jessica Simpson (The Dukes of Hazzard, Employee of the Month)
  • Mandy Moore (Tangled, Saved!)
  • Christina Aguilera (Burlesque, Shark Tale)
  • Avril Lavigne (Over the Hedge, Fast Food Nation)
  • Ashanti (Coach Carter, John Tucker Must Die)
  • Aaliyah (Romeo Must Die, Queen of the Damned)

…oh yeah, and…

  • Justin Timberlake (The Social Network, Alpha Dog)

And finally, I can’t forget about country folk and the rest:

  • Dolly Parton (Nine to Five, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas)
  • Harry Connick, Jr. (P.S. I Love You, Hope Floats)
  • Dwight Yoakam (Sling Blade, Red Rock West)
  • Travis Tritt (The Cowboy Way, Fire Down Below)

Let’s add all that up (correctly assuming I’ve missed much):

  • 23 rappers
  • 6 rock stars
  • 9 pop stars
  • 8 ingenues
  • 4 country stars

Quite the spread.  My theory on why this is happens to be the same reason why comedians can cross into acting easier than Actors! can become comical…

Their day job is a lot harder.

In other words, it’s like asking a heart surgeon to bring in shopping carts.

tv show travis stork

I don't think this guy could bring in shopping carts...

Happy New Year To New Movies Courtesy Of Old Movies!

Posted on by sgottahurt

File this one under “You’ve Probably Seen It Already,” but for me, I’ll never get sick of it.  It’s an amazing testament to music and editing, and how much beauty can be found in even crappy movies.

You do realize Vampires Suck was one of the flicks included, right?  (#116)

Enjoy it again – or hopefully for the first time!

Awesome Battle… To Be Queen Of The Nerds!

Posted on by sgottahurt

This… was inevitable.

Natalie Portman has held her lofty position as Queen of the Nerds for a considerable amount of time, but be aware that Olivia Wilde is not merely standing by, waiting on the sidelines.

Whereas Ms. Portman garnered our nerds attention with her portrayal of Padmé Amidala (the original queen) in the Star Wars prequels, Ms. Wilde is picking up steam by portraying an isomorphic algorithm named Quorra (true story) in Tron: Legacy.

Let the Awesome Battle begin!

Both film series are fanboy favorites, and their female leads looked remarkable in them.  But a long-awaited prequel trilogy and a belated sequel does not a battle make.

Ms. Portman followed up her Darth Vader-inspiring role with one from an underground comic book: V for Vendetta.

Ms. Wilde will be following up her Sam Flynn-inspiring role with one from an underground comic book: Cowboys & Aliens.

Ms. Portman then wasted a few years to become an Actor! It worked, because she’s getting a lot of award attention for her work in Black Swan.  But in this time, her geekdom luster has lost its shine, and opened the path for Ms. Wilde to take her throne.

On the slate for each actress:

  • Ms. Wilde – an ensemble comedy about butter-carving competitions called Butter
  • Ms. Portman – an ensemble comedy about wizards and dragons called Your Highness
  • Ms. Wilde – a sci-fi adventure written and directed by Gattaca’s Andrew Niccol called Now
  • Ms. Portman – a rom-com directed by the once great Ivan Reitman and starring, ugh, Ashton Kutcher called No Strings Attached

Luckily for Ms. Portman. she’ll be in next summer’s big-screen treatment of the Marvel Comic, Thor, but Ms. Wilde is set to star in a new body-switching movie called The Change-Up, co-starring Ryan Reynolds and Jason Bateman, whom are also dork heroes.

In closing, I’ll share a comedy bit each of them made, and I’ll let you search for their nude scenes.  This is a classy blog, folks, not an assy one.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

All I Want For Christmas Is… Courtney Ford And Kate Beahan To Get More Roles!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Courtney Ford.  Kate Beahan.

If neither of those names are familiar, here are the faces to go with them:

Courtney Ford

Kate Beahan

Courtney is probably best known for her role in season four of Dexter (and not for her marriage to Superman), but she first came to my attention in an episode of How I Met Your Mother (“The Naked Man“).  She played an awful person on HIMYM, but she did this on Dexter.  She will forever be in my heart, and needs more opportunities to do what she did on Dexter.

Kate has not fared as well in America as she has in her homeland (she’s Australian… I love Australian accents).  Her biggest role here was in The Wicker Man, and this is a sample of the material she had to work with:

Come on Hollywood!  Give her another shot!  At least one better than Nick Cage in a bear suit punching a woman!