Film

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Wrong Music, Wrong Movie

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is only my second journey down monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK lane, and as it turns out, this post also takes place in 2004.  I really should have started blogging earlier…

Vindicated? Not quite...

There’s nothing quite like a great theme song.  I’m not talking about the musical score, the likes of which composer John Williams will never miss a beat, I’m sure.

(SIDENOTE: I’m of course being sarcastic.  His new music from Star Wars Episodes I and II is okay at best, as well as his theme for the first Harry Potter movie, but none of them will ever be Jaws, E.T., or Indiana Jones.  (INNER SIDENOTE: I doubt they’ll ever make all those stupid warlock books into movies… they’re on book five already… it has to end sometime…))

No, what I’m talking about is the Eye of the Tiger.  Shaft.  Wind Beneath My Wings.

So what does all this have to do with Spider-Man 2?  It has a crappy theme song.

Chris Carrabba, lead (only?) singer of Dashboard Confessional, wrote this wonder of lyric-fest that just “screams” Spider-Man:

Hope dangles on a string like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out, the shine of it has caught my eye
And roped me in, so mesmerizing and so hypnotizing
I am captivated, I am

CHORUS:
Vindicated, I am selfish, I am wrong, I am right
I swear I’m right, swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now the things you swore, you saw yourself

So clear like the diamond in your ring, cut to mirror your intention
Over sized and overwhelmed, the shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated and so motivated
I am certain now that I am

CHORUS

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever

Defense is paper-thin
Just one touch and I’ll be in
Too deep now to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away

CHORUS

Slight hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

What?!  Does that have to do anything with Spider-Man at all?  It has been rumored (or it’s totally true) that he had another song called I Need a Sure Thing ready to go prior to seeing the completed film, then he had a change of heart and wrote Vindicated in about fifteen minutes.  How would that song have fared?  Well, here are its lyrics:

You are a razor blade
You are precision-cut
You are a stare sharp as the tack in my eye?
At rest in my veins
[Your pulse in my neck?]
As sharp-edged as questions the time I have left
And so you are on my mind.

I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed
I need to burn
I need a sure thing
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to me

You are a paper bird
Folded and folded and creased
And bent and shaped from a five dollar bill
It’s priceless to me
And never spent
It hangs from a ceiling fan over my bed
And so you are on my mind

I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed
I need to burn
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to me

I’ll hang my hopes all at once on a rope
There’s a possibility that this is happening to someone who’s not me
I’ll hold my head
Keep it still and pretend
That these spins and the webs
Are actually desirable

I need a burning stake
I need a piercing dart
I need something as hot as it is sharp
And I need to bleed I need to burn
I need a sure thing
And you are a mystery to me

I’m beginning to think Chris Carrabba doesn’t know the difference between a spider, a vampire, and a Spider-Man.

At least Chad Kroeger and Josey Scott’s Hero from the first Spider-Man film was about a hero coming to save us (or not) and him not staying to wait.  But then again, Macy Gray sang a song in that same movie:

"I tried to walk away but... my contract with Sony kept me here."

In closing, I guess every song can’t be Peter Cetera’s Glory of Love from The Karate Kid II.  That was a perfect match.

(SIDENOTE: It wasn’t a perfect match.  It was originally supposed to be in one of the Rocky films…)

Worth 1002 Words… Disney Princess Cosplay Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Zip-A-Dee-Do Them

Some alternates:

  • Daddy Issues
  • Stepmother Issues
  • Rabbit Issues
  • Boy-That-Never-Grew-Up Issues
  • Hi Ho’s!
(via)

(More Than) A Handful Of… Songs Named After Famous People

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was going to make this list based solely on the discovery of Frank Zappa’s Bobby Brown (Goes Down), but alas, it is not about this guy:

This was the key to Whitney Houston's crack pipe...

Even still, I thought it would be fun anyway to collect (More Than) A Handful Of… Songs Named After Famous People.  Enjoy, or care less, which I will do in tandem with you.

  • Beastie Boys – Paul Revere
  • David Bowie – Andy Warhol
  • Duck Sauce – Barbra Streisand
  • Fenix TX – Phoebe Cates
  • Goldfinger – Wayne Gretzky
  • Gorillaz – Clint Eastwood
  • MIKA – Grace Kelly
  • Outkast – Rosa Parks
  • The Postal Service – Clark Gable
  • Scissor Sisters – Paul McCartney
  • Sufjan Stevens – John Wayne Gacy, Jr. (this one is creepy, natch…)
  • Taylor Swift – Tim McGraw
  • Weezer – Buddy Holly

(SIDENOTE: Obviously, this is not all of the songs named after famous people.  I almost put Falco’s Rock Me Amadeus, Herman’s Hermits’ I’m Henry the Eighth, I Am and Kim Carnes’ Bette Davis Eyes, but their titles contain ancillary words.)

In My Brain While Sleeping… Toy Story 4

Posted on by sgottahurt

Could it be true?  A real Toy Story 4?  I wonder if it will be anywhere as existential as this dream I had.

To start, all of the beloved characters from all three movies were all together in a store in their original packaging.

Kinda like this. Or exactly.

What became apparent was that all of the Buzz Lightyears were not alive, but only one.  This was the same with the whole gang.  As they worked on escaping their prisons, they soon realized their spirits could shift from one figure to the next.

Kinda like this. Or exactly.

Tim Allen made a guest appearance at this point to explain things to them.

Exactly not like this.

This is along the lines of what he said:

Your souls are not restricted to just the action figures or dolls that you are.  You can take over any form of yourself.

So then they all transferred their spirits to the balloons bearing their likenesses.  Tim Allen was gracious enough to take all their balloons through the front door and let them roam free.  Buzz asked to be held onto a moment longer to share a special goodbye.

Buzz: So this is it?

Tim: Yes, Buzz.  It’s time to go.

Buzz: Okay, Tim.  To infinity…

Tim: …and beyond.

Then he let the balloon go.  But the dream didn’t end there.

My “brain-camera” pulled back into the store and shifted over to another aisle.

The aisle with Transformers, G.I. Joe, and Star Wars.

And they were alive, too.

In Defense Of… Michael Bay

Posted on by sgottahurt

This might be the hardest one yet.  (Why do I have a feeling that will always be the feeling?)

I’m about speak In Defense Of…

Michael. Fucking. Bay.

"I get bold, italics, underlining, periods, and fucking? Boom goes the dynamite... and everything else!"

I didn’t think I’d get here so soon, but it’s befitting since Transformers: Dark of the Moon is finally here.  I haven’t seen it yet, but moron more on that soon.

Where can I begin my defense?

  • He’s certainly has a knack for creating great visual spectacles. 

But that argument can be countered by pointing out how shaky the fight scenes were in the first two Transformers films, or how explosions stand in for plot progression.  Another issue is his childish – nay – infantile sense of humor that leaks through into his films (peeing robots and robots with balls, for example).

  • People really like his movies.

Do they?  Do they really?  Or is it the spectacle as mentioned above. Let’s run through his catalog real quick, accompanied by Rotten Tomatoes’ aggregated ratings:

  1. Bad Boys (43%)
  2. The Rock (67%)
  3. Armageddon (40%)
  4. Pearl Harbor (25%)
  5. Bad Boys II (23%)
  6. The Island (40%)
  7. Transformers (57%)
  8. Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (20%)
  9. Transformers: Dark of the Moon (37%)

How many are technically great movies?  The Rock?  How much of that was due to Nick Cage, Sean Connery, and Ed Harris, though?

And don’t get me started with his production company, Platinum Dunes.  They’re responsible for most of the crappy horror film remakes that have come out in the last eight years.  So no… it’s not that people really like his movies.

  • People really like going to his movies.

He’s the eighth highest domestic grossing director up to 2009 for a reason.   Hell, I have to admit I’ve seen every single one of those movies above at the theater except the latest one, and I can’t wait to see it this weekend!  It looks like the special effects are really cleaned up, and I’ll be able to tell what the Transformers are doing!  I’m probably even going to pay extra to see 3D, and I typically hate 3D!

I know I’ve talked shit about him many times before, and I probably will in the future, but my biggest defense for him is that he gets people to the theaters.  That’s his job and he does it well.  Once we’re there, well, that’s a different story about story and content.  But I’m usually content.  I don’t hate his films with the same ferocity I unleash on Brett Ratner’s greasy prints or  M. Night Shyamalan’s twit-twisters (I avoid their films like the plague).

  • Above all else, Michael Bay is a skilled, technical filmmaker.

Being a flawed storyteller doesn’t make him bad.  If that was the case, I’d bitch about Tim Burton more often.

(SIDENOTE: If I can’t get convince you with any of the above, then you should know this.  When he was a kid, he donated all his Bar Mitzvah money to a local animal shelter.  That’s something.)

JusWondering… Who Is Going To Be Bad Next?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I think I’m starting to see a pattern:

Um... the pattern is... THEY'RE ALL POSTERS!

Well okay, Bad Boys doesn’t exactly fit the post no bills bill, but Bad Teacher is definitely cut from the same red velvet as Bad Santa.

You’ve got adults in child-rearing situations that aren’t fit to rear (or be reared) by anybody.  In all actuality, I’m really surprised this film didn’t have this title:

They're so irreverent!

So I have to ask… what’s next?  Who else should get the “bad” treatment?

Adding "bad" to the front automatically makes these comedies, right?

Missed one!

Oooh!  Maybe they could make a movie called Bad Bosses?

Eh, close enough.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Only Time Will Tell

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a new category I’ve thought about for quite a while, so I guess it’s only technically new to you.  I’ve only had this blog for two and a half men years, so these are my imaginary blog posts from the past.  This one takes place in 2004.

A steno pad made of rock? Didn't they have animal skin to write on?

– Remember when everyone was making a fuss about Halle Berry playing a character named Sharon Stone, in The Flintstones live action film?

– Remember how the part was supposed to be played by the real Sharon Stone, but she backed out to be in Diabolique?

– Remember how they thought about changing her name to Rosetta Stone, but the producers were afraid people wouldn’t get the reference to the key that unlocked ancient languages?

– Remember how Halle Berry celebrated the fact that they didn’t change the name?

– Remember how Sharon Stone regretted not taking part in the film?

Well, you probably don’t since that was ten long years ago, back in 1994.

Now it’s 2004, and Sharon Stone is about to get her revenge against Halle Berry in Catwoman (which looks awesome BTW).  Stone plays Laurel Hedare, the head of a cosmetics company Berry’s Patience Phillips works at.  I heard there’s a great fight scene between them, but seeing as how difficult it is to put videos on the TripleDoubleU at this point, you’ll just have to imagine what it will be like.

I heard that the same kind of thing when down during the casting of Office Space:

The real Michael Bolton is still upset.

Musical Musings… Randy Newman Could Have Been In Coldplay

Posted on by sgottahurt

Their skin tones don't match.

My sister was recently listening to this song on Sirius XM and it suddenly occurred to her that Coldplay’s front man, Chris Martin, kinda sounds like Randy Newman.

Here’s the song in question, Everything’s Not Lost:

Now here’s Randy Newman’s Losing You (ha!) from Toy Story 3:

My concern over her revelation is that the two will be forever connected in my mind, like that picture above.  Just like when I realized Shakira sings a lot like Kermit the Frog…

Their skin tones don't match, either.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Haven’t You Saved Me / Attacked Me Before?

Posted on by sgottahurt

When I began working on this post, I honestly thought I’d be hard-pressed to find even five Actors! that starred in multiple comic book film adaptations.  What I found was quite a closed-circuit community of future Comic Con mainstays.  I’ve opted to showcase the plethora of Actors! that have played in three (!) or more characters featured in paneled ink.  The double-dippers are all after the jump.

  • Chris Evans

Johnny Storm - Lucas Lee - Jensen - Captain America

Clearly the king, Chris Evans has been in fantastic four comic adaptations: Fantastic Four, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, The Losers, and Captain America: The First Avenger.

  • Ryan Reynolds

Hannibal King - Deadpool - Green Lantern

As Hannibal King, Ryan Reynolds did not belong in Blade: Trinity, even though King was in the Blade comic books.  It’s just that Blade: Trinity didn’t need to be.  Strike two came in the form of Deadpool in X-Men Origins: Wolverine.  Wade Wilson, the merc with the mouth, without a mouth?!  And though the studios were underwhelmed by Green Lantern’s opening weekend box office performance, I didn’t think it was too bad.  I guess you could say that it’s his first superhero film without a colon that didn’t suck ass.

  • Michael Fassbender

Stelios - Burke - Magneto

Surprise, surprise, surprise.  I didn’t realize Michael Fassbender wasn’t a comic book rookie in X-Men: First Class.  He was also in 300 and Jonah Hex.  Also, he was the guy that held up the wrong fingers in that underground bar in Inglourious Basterds.  That scene still beats Magneto facing retired Nazis, but it’s not far off.

  • Scarlett Johansson

Rebecca - Silken Floss - Black Widow

It’s about time to get a lady on the list, and who better than the former Mrs. Reynolds.  Prior to being in Iron Man 2, she was in Ghost World and The Spirit.  Yes, both of those were comics.

  • Bruce Willis

John Hartigan - Tom Greer - Frank Moses

He’s played an aging cop in Sin City, a FBI agent in Surrogates, and a retired CIA agent in RED.  I dare you to call him old.

  • Morgan Freeman

Lucius Fox - Sloan - Joe

Batman Begins and The Dark Knight are fantastic, and he played his part well (everything after God is a cinch).  I probably shouldn’t have included Sloan, his character in Wanted, because he wasn’t in the comic book, but eh.  Oh yeah… he was also in RED.

  • John Malkovich

Professor Sandiford - Quentin Turnbull - Marvin Boggs

You probably didn’t see Art School Confidential (neither did I), but it was a graphic novel.  Actually, you probably didn’t see Jonah Hex either.  RED, you probably seen.  And not only on this list twice before.

  • Tommy Lee Jones

Two-Face - Agent K - Colonel Chester Phillips

I tried to forget Batman Forever, but as the title suggests, it’s forever in my head.  Maybe I need one of those neuralizers, like in Men in Black 1 & 2, or perhaps some super-soldier serum, like in Captain America: The First Avenger.

  • Michael Clarke Duncan

The Kingpin - Manute - Kilowog

Daredevil, Sin City, and Green Mile Lantern comprise Duncan’s resume.  People complained about him playing The Kingpin before Daredevil came out; people complained about Daredevil after it came out.

  • Brandon Routh

Superman - Todd Ingram - Dylan Dog

I thought Routh did a great job filling in Christopher Reeves’ iconic red boots, which sounds weird to say, but he did.  He was a good choice.  Too bad Superman Returns’ director, Bryan Singer, made some other strange decisions like giving Supes a kid and having him throw a Kryptonite island into space.  So there won’t be a sequel to that version, but at least he wasn’t typecast.  He was great as super-vegan Todd Ingram in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and even though Dylan Dog: Dead of Night was an Italian comic book, I still count it.

  • Jeffrey Dean Morgan

The Comedian - Clay - Jeb Turnbull

You might not know Morgan by name, but you likely know him by gravelly voice (or when I’ve written about him before).  He played a great psychotic hero in Watchmen, the cool as a cucumber leader in The Losers, and based upon the limited images online, a very small role (yup, he dies) in Jonah Hex, which again, I haven’t seen.

  • Jaime King

Jade - Wendy - Lorelei Rox

The only other lady on the triples list, King could be King Chris Evans’ queen because she technically played two characters in one movie.  She was Jade in Bulletproof Monk, twins Goldie and Wendy in Sin City, and Lorelei Rox in The Spirit.

This concludes this portion of the show, although I should hand out two special awards.

The Un-S.H.I.E.L.D.ed Eye Award goes to:

Colonel Nick Fury

You see this guy everywhere… well, at least in the Marvel Studio produced films.  He’s been in Iron Man 1 & 2, The Incredible Hulk, and Thor.  He’s somehow in Captain America: The First Avenger, and he will definitely be in The Avengers next summer.  He’s signed on to be in at least nine movies, giving him a decent list, but the patch catch is this: he’s always Nick Fury.  But I almost forgot… he was also in The Spirit as this guy that loves eight of everything:

The Octopus

(SIDENOTE: Clark Gregg’s Agent Coulson appears in all the Marvel films too, but alas, he is not in any comic books.)

The Hitchcock Walk-On Award goes to:

  • Stan Lee

(Who else would it have been?)

Twenty-two more double-dippers can be found by clicking here —->

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A Handful Of… Non-Superhero Superhero Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

For this small list, I wanted to highlight the non-canon, non-superhero superheroes of modern cinema.  And I’m not counting anything like Darkman, Blankman, Meteor Man, or My Super Ex-Girlfriend.  Some of these entries are obvious – some are not.

Look!  Up in the sk– over there!  It’s A Handful Of Non-Superhero Superhero Movies!

  • The Movie: The Matrix
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: Neo (Thomas A. Anderson)

"There may be no spoon, but that's a lot of bullets!"

The Matrix as a stand-alone film is a story similar to the recent Green Lantern movie.  Whereas Hal Jordan was found by Abin Sur who explained he was “chosen,” Neo was found by Morpheus under the same pretenses.  Until Hal/Neo believed in himself, he wasn’t quite the hero he was destined to be.  Also, Neo’s code-vision was green.  Mjusayin’.

  • The Movie: Unbreakable
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: The Security Guard (David Dunn)

"I know things others don't. It's like a sixth sense."

Like Thor, David Dunn was always a god… he just didn’t know his full potential.  And in a series of (destructive) moves that would make Loki proud, Mr. Glass pushed David to find the hero he could be.  Even though it’s an M. Night Shitamalan flick, I’m still awaiting the sequel.

  • The Movie: District 9
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: Man-Prawn (Wikus van de Merwe)

"Somebody get me to the EYE-C-U! Stat!"

Swamp Thing is about a scientist, Dr. Alec Holland, who is filled with good intentions that ends up becoming one of the swamp things he’s trying to protect; Wikus van de Merwe isn’t as noble as Dr. Holland, but as he becomes one of the “prawns” he’s trying to relocate, his selfish actions end up leading to (hopeful) liberation for all.  Waiting on this sequel, too.

  • The Movie: The Dead Zone
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: The Assassin (Johnny Smith)

"I need more cow bell."

Stephen King is probably better at writing Non-Supervillain Supervillians (Firestarter, Carrie, Cujo, Christine), but The Dead Zone is kind of the exception.  After waking from a coma, Johnny Smith develops the ability to see the future of anyone he touches.  Upon shaking the hand of a senator, he becomes determined to assassinate him because of all the ill he’ll cause the world.  In this way, he’s a lot like The Punisher – an anti-hero vigilante that’s kinda creepy.

  • The Movie: They Live
  • The Non-Superhero Superhero: Nada

"I came here to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I'd really like some bubblegum."

Batman may have had a bunch of gadgets to help him make the world a brighter place.  All Nada needs is a pair of sunglasses.  And a shotgun.  And like he says above – some bubblegum.

Comprised of living, breathing "blue genes"...

Come on… they really fit all four of those girls the same?!  It must be made of unstable molecules just like the Fantastic Four’s costumes.