Author: sgottahurt

A Handful Of… Acceptable Songs About God

Posted on by sgottahurt

I used to be a fairly religious person, but I’ve grown up.  I could get into arguments over the matter, but this post was enough arguing for me.  Do your thang and I’ll do mine.  That being said, I still can enjoy a clever song about the man/woman/matrix upstairs, and here’s A Handful Of Acceptable Songs About God:

  • Dishwalla’s Counting Blue Cars

It’s a playful tune about looking at the world through the lens of youth.  It also makes God a woman three years before Kevin Smith did.

  • The Caulfields’ Devil’s Diary

The Devil’s just looking for some wholesome lovin’.  And you can’t have God without the Devil.

  • The Fray’s You Found Me

God as a cigarette-smoking bum?  Much better than Joan Osborne’s bus rider…

  • XTC’s Dear God

I had a coworker way back in the day that got really mad about this song (or rather, that Sarah McLachlan covered it).  My response?  “You don’t see anybody writing letters to Santa saying he doesn’t exist.”  My coworker didn’t get it.

  • Usher’s OMG

Punchline!

(SIDENOTE: Did you know he says “Oh” seventeen times in a row?!)

Hateful Find… This Commercial Drives Me Insane In 30 Seconds!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Dear Television,

Please note that I never want to see the following now or ever again:

  • a giant middle-aged man
  • a giant middle-aged man so light on his feet
  • a giant middle-aged man with a weird accent
  • a giant middle-aged man using cell phone apps
  • a giant middle-aged man tap a bell with his foot
  • (NOTE: the wife is okay despite her encouragement)

Who is this ad for, Kayak?  Is that the owner’s parents?

Aarrrrgh!

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… I Choose “Death By Bus!”

Posted on by sgottahurt

I recently saw this commercial, and it gave me pause…

“Is this the new record scratch?” I wondered.

This meaning suddenly hit by bus.

So I started thinking about where this trend began, and I think I can link it back to The Hit that I think is The Shit.

THE SHIT
MEET JOE BLACK (1998)

Sure, it’s not a bus, but it was shocking – and eventually entertaining?  Most of all, it was first.

THE PINCHLINE
MEAN GIRLS (2004)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (2008)
GHOST TOWN (2008)

These accidents are used for comedic effect.  What the fuck is wrong with us America?  (See the Ghost Town clip in the montage below.)

THE PLOP DEVICE
STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)
LOST (2007)

Dramatic tension is high, and these scenes drive the plot, so… why couldn’t the Will Ferrell hit been less real and more ha-ha?

THE FART NOISE (IT’S SO OBVIOUS)
FINAL DESTINATION (2000)

“Woh-woh…” *wet trombone fart noise*

THE TURD VERSION OF THE PLOP DEVICE
FELICITY (1999)
NIP/TUCK (2006)

These really aren’t that interesting, so check out the montage below.

JUST SHITTY
BUBBLE BOY (2001)

Hey look!  Zack Galifianakis!  Just don’t look at the rest of it.

PHANTOM POOPERS
CONTAGION (2011)
DEXTER (2012)

These are too new to be found anywhere, butt they’d probably fall under PLOP DEVICE since one had a contagious kid get smashed and the other had a serial killer get smashed.  I’ll let you guess which one each belonged to.

MONTAGES (there has to be a pun in there somewhere…)

Got it!  MOONTAGES!

JusWondering… Is This Movie Really Gonna Scare The S#!t Out Of Me?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve mentioned it before (here and here), and I’ll mention it again – I have a very short list of serious fears.  Irrational?  That list would go on forever.

  1. Ghosts
  2. Candiru (look ’em up)
  3. Commitment
  4. Aliens

I’m really beginning to rethink that order because there’s a certain type of aliens that might be the worst.  But I’ll get to that in a second.  Here’s the preview for what I might find the scariest movie ever made!  Oh yeah… it’s called Dark Skies:

I can’t find the newest preview (nor do I really want to try that hard), but in that one, it seems that this film is about BEK’s.  That’s short for Black Eyed Kids.  Oh, I wish I could make a joke about the Black Eyed Peas right now, believe me.

You can click here for a Google image search of them for your own, but an image search alone won’t do it justice.  Howzabout a couple of stories from the ol’ TripleDoubleU to unsettle you in…

These strange Black Eyed Children, who can appear or vanish at a moment’s notice, seem to be between the ages of 8 and 16. Their skin is pale or pasty colored, described by some as looking plastic or artificial, and their mannerisms are odd. Witnesses describe their clothing as odd and drab – blue jeans and a hoodie or very old-fashioned, handmade clothing. Bizarre electrical phenomena occurs when they are around, such as a garage door inexplicably opening.

  • When a man in Dallas arrived home, he saw a boy at his door who repeated “I think it’s food time. You should invite me inside.” The man’s protective pit bull came running toward the front door, but as it got closer to the boy, it whimpered and ran away, hiding under the bed for days afterward.
  • A man named Paul was home alone when someone knocked on this door. He opened it and saw two kids about 10 years old standing on his steps with their heads down. They said, “Hey, we just thought we’d stop in for a bit.” The kids insisted they be let into the house. Thinking they had the wrong house, Paul stepped forward to get a better look and made eye contact. Their eyes were solid black, including the sclera.

Jason Offutt, another researcher into the Black Eyed Children phenomenon, gives this account:

  • Around 10:45 on a warm night, as 18-year-old Carris Holdsworth approached her apartment in Lisburn, Northern Ireland, she saw two teenagers in hoodies and jeans standing in her yard with their backs to her. As she attempted to slip away unseen, she fumbled in her purse for pepper spray. At that very moment, the boys turned to face her and, as if reading her mind, one said, “No need for that, we just want to borrow your phone, miss.” When she caught a glimpse of their pitch black eyes, not a trace of white or a pupil, she panicked and raced to her apartment, locking the door behind her. The boys following close behind, knocked on her door. She ignored it. After a second knock, fearing for her safety she phoned a friend to come over. When the friend arrived, the boys ran away.

(via)

There are plenty more stories out there.  I simply can’t bear anymore.

In My Brain While Sleeping… I Know Now The Original Title For A Swayze/Reeves Classic, And You Can Too!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves… you’ve left this world too soon.  What?!  Reeves is still around?  Regardless, their pairing was dynamite, and a reunion could never hope to attain the level of spectacle and wonder that was 1991’s Point Break (directed by surprise! – Kathryn Bigelow),

But did you know, according to the strange dream I had last night, there was a different title before it was released?

Presenting:

!00%! P!UR!E A!DR!!ENEL!NE!!!

!00%! P!UR!E A!DR!!ENEL!NE!!!

It was simply called !, like O or M or Q.  But how did they arrive at Point Break?  My dream went on to explain:

Originally, the film was titled with only an exclamation point, to build up anticipation for the excitement, but audiences couldn’t follow that logic, so then they were going to call it Exclamation Point, using the words rather than the punctuation.  But once again remember, audiences are dumb.  So someone suggested to “break” apart the exclamation point, and thus, Point Break was born*.

*In reality, this film went through several name and casting changes.  Matthew Broderick and Charlie Sheen were originally cast (imagine that!).  When Reeves became the lead, the title was changed to Johnny Utah.  Then when Swayze was attached it became Riders on the Storm.  Halfway through filming, Point Break was settled on.  Who’s to say it didn’t go down like it did In My Brain While Sleeping?

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Are You Slimmy Ray?

Posted on by sgottahurt

What if I had a blog back in 1999?  Might I have written a post like this?

Just when I thought March of ’98 couldn’t be far enough behind me, another shitty, catchy, cash grab, ego trip of a song (?) has appeared on the airwaves, like an audio boil on FM’s backside.  The prior culprit: Jimmy Ray’s Are You Jimmy  Ray?  This January’s cold sore with a backbeat: Eminem’s My Name Is.  See which one is more cloying and annoying:

Did we really need another self-referencing pop tune?  Is this Eminem guy spoofing Jimmy Ray or ripping him off?  Luckily, the Jimmy Ray hype machine didn’t last long, so here’s to an expedient Eminem melt-in-the-hand send off.

(SIDENOTE: In reality, I still don’t like My Name Is much… Guilty Conscience was the song that changed my mind about Mr. Marshall Mathers.  Conversely, I really liked Fred Durst starting with his Faith remake and then Nookie.  Funny how things work out, eh?)

Hibbidy-Wah?! Amazon Banana Slicer Amazingness!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Initially, I was going to write about this bath salts warning video, but upon finding out about this, I couldn’t resist…

THE HUTZLER 571 BANANA SLICER

This is the original picture. Wait for the "original pictures."

This is the original picture. Wait for the “original pictures.”

Apparently, many people have taken great joy in usurping this product’s listing on Amazon.  You can check it all out here, but these are some highlights:

CUSTOMER IMAGES

All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM SITE)

All my bananas curve the wrong way to use the slicer. (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Minds blown... (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Minds blown… (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Great product, but don't get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

Great product, but don’t get it mixed up with the banana! (CAPTION FROM AMAZON)

CUSTOMER REVIEWS

Mine didn’t come with instructions, so I’m returning it. Also, call me when they make one that gives you smaller slices. -Pen Name

No more winning for you, Mr. Banana! For decades I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. “Use a knife!” they say. Well…my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. “Shoot it with a gun!” Background check…HELLO! I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger. Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world. I think I’ll call it South Side Story. Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon. -SW3K

I’m SO glad Hutzler came out with a plastic, dishwasher-safe version with this model (571). Finally! A banana slicer that’s TSA approved for airline travel in your carry-on luggage. With baggage-check fees being so high, I try to avoid checking bags whenever possible, but I just couldn’t travel without my (360-series) stainless steel banana slicer. But now, problem solved!!!! Travel with the plastic 571 version and no checked-baggage fees! No more having to use coffee stirrers from the hotel coffee service to slice my breakfast banana! You can even use it in-flight if you remember to buy a banana from Starbucks before you board. This will be perfect for our trip to Ecuador this summer!!!! Would have gotten 5 stars if it came with a carrying case to keep it clean. -Chryssa Jones

Waiting for 671 to buy. Need one of these *very badly* but anxious that as soon as I buy one… the next model will be out, what with all the new features and such. Don’t know if it is worth the wait, or if I will be disappointed with my 571 when all my friends have the 671? any thoughts? -rrrabbitt “rrrabbitt”

Awesome Battle… Heck, It’s Really A Cute Battle

Posted on by sgottahurt

I am not a fan of Depeche Mode, but this family from Columbia sure is.  After watching these, I heard Enjoy the Silence on the radio, and I couldn’t help but smile.

(SIDENOTE: When I was in high school, um, let’s see… 20 years ago… I remember this one girl gave a speech in our Honors English class about how squids are people, too.  I thought, “Squids aren’t people.  They’re squids!”  Apparently, this is what they called goth back in the day at my school, and goths squids liked Depeche Mode.  Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking – He took Honors English?!)

Unofficial Trilogy… Weird Reincarnations Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Nicole Kidman is the only one getting the look right. Or is she?

Nicole Kidman is the only one getting the look right. Or is she?

No one will ever argue that Hollywood is full of weirdos.  No one would ever argue that it’s chock full of weird ideas, either.  But pseudo-sentimental malarkey in the guise of an ancient religious philosophy?  That’s another story (or three), and it makes up this Unofficial Trilogy.

This is the classic story of Dad dies, Dad comes back as a dog, Dead Dad Dog escapes a dog pound then lives with a homeless woman then flees a testing lab then finds his old family then comes to terms with being a dog then lives the rest of his life on the road on his own.  Really.

Does that snowman in the above picture look like Michael Keaton?  Of course not!  Because George Clooney was originally slated to star in this clunker.  Wannabe rock star dad Keaton misses his son’s hockey game to chase his dream,  and full of guilt, he tries to return home to take his family to their cabin.  In a shocking! twist of fate, he dies trying to make it back.  Blah-blah-blah he returns a year later as a snowman!  The harmonica was magical!  His son’s bully becomes his son’s best friend because neither of them had dads!  Keaton’s character’s band’s name (that’s a lot of s‘s) was “The Jack Frost Band.”  Really.

At least this film set out to be creepy and awkward.  And its ending is ambiguous.  It’s definitely the most intriguing of the three in this Unofficial Trilogy.  That is if you’re into the Dead Husband is Now a Ten Year-Old Child So You Take a Bath Together genre of filmmaking.  Really.

Musical Musings… This Song Really Perturbs Me

Posted on by sgottahurt

Perturbs isn’t a word I use often, so thanks Atlas Genius.  This song up for examination is called Trojans, and it’s built around this hook:

Your trojan’s in my head.

What the fuck does that mean exactly?  This video offers little help other than the lyrics:

Are these self-proclaimed world-holding exceptional intellects (or are they really good at reading maps?) trying to say that someone has put a Trojan Horse in his head?  Or is it something else?

"Your Trojan Horse is in my head..."

“Your Trojan Horse is in my head…”

"Your Trojan warrior is in my head..."

“Your Trojan Warrior is in my head…”

"Your Trojan condom is in my head..."

“Your Trojan Condom is in my head…”