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In Defense Of… Jon Benjamin Has A Van

Posted on July 29, 2011 by sgottahurt

I feel like I’m alone on an island, or in a windowless van, because nobody else I know likes Jon Benjamin Has a Van.

As someone put it (while I was likely drunk, so I don’t remember who):

It’s too weird to be mainstream, and not weird enough to be Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

If you’re unfamiliar with anything I’m talking about, here’s a clip from JBHV:

Come on… that’s funny… enough.

Everything can’t be It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

Here’s the thing – H. Jon Benjamin is overdue for some serious screen time. The first thing I saw him in was Baby Pranks, and that’s from 2006:

That was on the DVD for Home Movies, in which he played Coach McGuirk:

And don’t forget about his roles as/in Archer and Bob’s Burgers:

I guess what I’m saying is that it’s on Cartoon Network, they have weird things that require an acquired taste.

Hmm, what was that? It’s on Comedy Central?

Jon Benjamin Has a Van, you will be missed, by only me apparently. May you one day get referenced by Daniel Tosh before a commercial break.

Worth 1002 Words… Forty Fords Edition

Posted on July 28, 2011 by sgottahurt

Ford Fiesta

Some alternates:

Regarding Harrison
Flock Heart
Cowboys (&) Indianas

(via original list)

A Handful Of… Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages

Posted on July 27, 2011 by sgottahurt

With Cowboys & Aliens finally upon us, I’d like to point out something I’ve thought since the first trailer.

Doesn’t Daniel Craig’s arm weapon remind you of Leela’s arm thingee in Futurama?

"You accusin' me of poachin'?"

"Darn tootin' I do."

But then that got me thinking… there are more than a few people who have similar accessories, so I bring to you this list. Presenting A Handful Of Characters With Arm (And Hand) Appendages!

Hellboy from, um, Hellboy

I hoped you wouldn't notice.

It could be a weapon; it could be his hand. All I remember is it was bigger than his other hand.

Ash from Army of Darkness

Is chainsaw the past tense of chainsee?

When Ash’s hand turned evil, I’m sure he thought it was the worst thing that ever happened to him. If he had chainseen a chainsaw hand in his future, he might not have been as upset.

Dr. Igoe from Innerspace

Blowtorch hand FTW.

You might not recall this movie, or this bad guy with interchangeable hands, but sadly, I will not forget one of them – dude had a dildo hand.

Nathan “RAD” Spencer from Bionic Commando

This is not your 8-bit commando.

I haven’t played the recent version of this classic, but the original was the shizz.

Mega Man from Mega Man

Mega Man has a mega hand.

Mega Man 3 was the first video game I ever beat. Or wait… maybe it was Castlevania…

Hacker and Doc Terror from The Centurions

How dumb do these toys look?

I had zero interest in getting these action figures as a kid – that’s how terrible the bad guys in The Centurions toy line were. That being said, I loved the heroes in The Centurions. I still have my Max Ray and Jake Rockwell figures.

Pretty much every character from He-Man (and one from Thundercats)

Fisto - Man-At-Arms - Hammerhand - Clawful - Roboto - Trapjaw

He-Man and the Masters of the Universe were all about gimmicks and puns, and these few selected characters were pure gimmicks and puns. Thundercats simply ripped that formula off (but the new show looks great BTW).

Optimus Prime from Transformers

"Autobots, can here me now?"

I’ve heard rumors that Steve Jobs got the idea for iChat from Optimus Prime.

Lucas Barton from The Wizard

This whole movie was basically a commercial.

This movie was ridiculous not only for its insanely obvious product placement, but for its story. A mentally ill kid gets broken out of an insane asylum by Kevin Arnold to go to California and enter a video game competition. Think Rain Man with Power Gloves.

J.P. Pruitt from Zoolander

He was a hand model, you see.

This movie is sadly forgotten by many, but I consider it a comedy classic. There are so many zany moments, quotable lines, and crazy cameos, like David Duchovny’s above, that if you haven’t seen it, I implore you. Implore.

HONORABLE MENTION

Quarterbacks in the NFL

Crib note much?

In My Brain While Sleeping… Goodman & Upton (Is Not A Law Firm)

Posted on July 26, 2011 by sgottahurt

No, in this odd dream, Goodman & Upton were a Hollywood power couple.

I was hired to get to the bottom of their relationship, so I broke into this guy’s house:

Yeah, the Goodman was John.

To find out how he was able to date this hottie:

The Upton was Victoria's Secret model, Kate.

The dream kind of reminded me of a less-funny, more infuriating (out of pure jealousy) version of this video:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Hibbidy-Wah?! I Don’t Think They Thought This One Through

Posted on July 25, 2011 by sgottahurt

They being the award-winning chef, Jeremy Schmid, and the not thinking this one through being naming your sausage company (and website) Little Boys!

Okay, it’s from New Zealand, but still… they sure do look tasty.

Ummm... or yum?

Happy Find… The Legend Of Korra Preview

Posted on July 24, 2011 by sgottahurt

Can’t.

Wait.

(Even though I have to. Until when? Maybe next year???)

(SIDENOTE: I think it’s kind of stupid that they can’t use Avatar in their title anymore because of the dumb tail-fucking blue people. Avatar: The Last Airbender used it first!)

Maybe if I freeze myself, I can get to see Legend of Korra that much quicker…

Awful Battle… Screamo Vs. Bruno

Posted on July 23, 2011 by sgottahurt

I don’t know which of these is worse. Only you can decide:

I Set My Friends On Fire’s Things That Rhyme With Orange

Bruno Mars’ Marry You

If you’d like, give your reasoning in the comments.

Drunken Recollection… The Case Of Two Santa Mummies!

Posted on July 22, 2011 by sgottahurt

There’s something fishy going on here, and it begins with this guy:

Yes, that says, "Santa's all stuffing and bones."

This was one of my favorite stories from my time spent living in Los Angeles, but now, it has elevated to simply one of my favorite stories.

(SIDENOTE: As a young writer, I remember reading many how-to articles about recycling your material to different papers. At the time, I couldn’t see how that was possible. Now? Lesson learned.)

Anyhohoho, around Christmas of 1997, a pair of my friends came to visit, and they discovered an unbelievable article in New Times Los Angeles. Here’s an excerpt (the sideways PDF of the article is after the jump, as well as what TV shows were being filmed at NBC in ’97, and a BONUS strange Detroit-centric article):

“I’ve been passing by this Santa, watching him do his little wave thing since I was a kid,” one officer, who asks not to be identified, says. “It wasn’t an easy thing to take, seeing the arm with that bone coming out and thinking there’s a real person in there. Lots of us, I think, really had a lot of affection for him, and to consider having to unplug him, stop the waving, take off that nice red suit and open him up to, well . . . no one wants to think of the Slacks n’ Such Santa as human remains.”

Crazy, right? I’ve told people about this Santa Claus mummy for fourteen years. And thankfully, while drunk at a one year old’s birthday party, when this tale was brought up again, my friend revealed he kept the article! So over the next few days of all three of us emailing back and forth, a new light was shed upon the subject.

The author of The Case of the Disarming Santa, Peter Gilstrap, wrote the exact same article for New Times Phoenix one year earlier! (To read the full article easier, click here.)

All the names and places remain exactly the same, except for the specific mentions of the individual cities.

So is the story real?

If I look up Laird Avenue, which is mentioned in both stories, what do I find?

How about any history of the store in front of which the Christmas corpse was found?

That sunovabitch double-dipped. And he tricked all three of us hook, line, and chimney. Can I blame him for spreading his own urban legend? Not at all. I wasn’t local. I had no fond memories of any mechanical Santa Claus displays. But I do have to applaud the audacity it took to ~~try to~~ pass the same story off in two cities it likely never occurred in.

It’s a regular fucking Christmas miracle…

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Oliver & Billy Joel AND Huey Lewis?!

Posted on July 21, 2011 by sgottahurt

This post presupposes that I had access to the TripleDoubleU or blogging before there was either… this would be my post back in 1988, when I was prime fodder for the TripleDoubleU or blogging these days.

This could be one of the best things I’ve ever heard. Let me begin by introducing you to this guy: Dodger from Walt Disney Pictures new cartoon movie, Oliver & Company.

He's more Artist, than Artful.

First off, a new Disney cartoon film? I haven’t seen one since I was a kid three years ago (that would be The Black Cauldron… I never got to see The Great Mouse Detective, mostly because I didn’t care to.) Also, I didn’t think they made cartoon films anymore, at least not after the awesome Tron (I hope they make a sequel soon – it’s been seven years already).

But get this – Billy Joel is the voice of Dodger, and he sings Why Should I Worry? in it! When’s the last time there was singing in a Disney movie… The Jungle Book back in the 60’s?!

And guess what’s even better?

Huey Lewis is performing the theme song, Once Upon a Time in New York City. I can’t wait to get this cassette! The only way this news could get any better is if my dream girl sang on the soundtrack: