Self-help videos may be a thing of the past (YouTube anyone?), but they were vital to making me the me I am today. I’m the best kisser anyone knows, and I can take down the biggest bullies just long enough to run away in a hurry. Want to know what I know? Check these videos out!
Your mother and father wanted you to steal our hearts and imaginations, but all you did was help them crash a giant flying Jiffy Pop bag. And you may not have done that…
But one thing you did for sure – you totally crashed their dreams of more exposure.*
(SIDENOTE: Disney/Pixar’s UP will be available November 10th on Blu-ray and DVD)
Arriving November 10th
So let’s make this clear. Six-year Falcon Heeneconfessed stated:
You guys said, ‘We did this for the show.’
Which show was he talking about? Another episode of ABC’s Wife Swap? (They’ve already participated in two key parties swaps.)
Oh yeah, did I mention that on the 10th of November, you can get your own copy of Disney/Pixar’s UP on Blu-ray or DVD?
Buy It November 10th
What makes me mad about this fiasco is that so much time, money, and effort was donated to and wasted on what was possibly some big publicity stunt. It definitely detracts from other miracles involving children in dangerous situations, such as this little girl in Washington:
In both of these instances, those we’re supposed to protect were not, but they luckily seemed to be protected by some higher power, call it whatever name you pull out of the hat. And though these two children faced minor injury (but maybe major trauma), their stories of survival are far more interesting than some goof played by some goofball parents and their goofball kid. And they named him Falcon? Seriously?
*Disney/Pixar’s UP is finally “landing” on Blu-ray and DVD. Look for it November 10th.
I was at my mom’s house today for some free grub, and she was was watching a rerun of Oprah. It was a compilation of old segments that wowed and moved her (Oprah, not my ma, as far as I know), and I was regarding it without being wowed and/or moved. Sure, Criss Angeland David Blainecan be interesting, and Terry Fator and Paul Potts’ stories are inspiring, but otherwise, meh…
Then Faith appeared (this is not the actual show footage, but you’ll get the gist of it):
Instant tears. Let me say this: there is no amount of free food that makes my sudden outpouring of emotion worth it. Almost no amount of food (a pepperoni pizza with Cajun crust and double cheese is a good start).
(SIDENOTE: In regard to Opie & Anthony, the third segment of the above video – I didn’t know assholes could walk on two legs.)
On the lighter side of doggy’s overcoming obstacles:
I didn’t and still don’t agree with his number one selection, and although two of his choices made my top ten list, he’s little bit out of touch with the alternative music scene of late. I’m not claiming to be any wunderkind either, but here are ten of my favorite reinventions/redos/remakes/reboots… whatever it is that Hollywood calls them.
6) The Ataris – Boys of Summer (original by Don Henley)
The Ataris once said in an interview I don’t feel like relocating that they wanted to remake this song to point out the creepiness inherent in it. I never noticed it was creepy until they mentioned it, and that made me love both versions more.
3) Orgy – Blue Monday (original by New Order)
This isn’t really my kind of music (neither version). And the fact that I dig it despite that speaks volumes.
2) Marilyn Manson – Tainted Love (original by Soft Cell)
Who am I kidding? The video sold me. Chyler Leigh, Mia Kirshner, and Jaime Pressly will cancel out Manson every time.
1) Limp Bizkit – Faith (original by George Michael)
I make no apologies for this. I had a weird story happen over the course of listening to this song, and for that, it gets number one. And now for the comments on the pic at the top of the post:
“I don’t know who pulls off the leather better. I’d bet it’s a tie.”
“Is George Michael smelling his armpit?”
“Why does Fred Durst look like one of my uncles now? They even wear the same jacket!”
“Why do I get the feeling these two have awkwardly bumped into each other using the restroom.”
“something-something… at least he’s wearing a glove!”
This post could have easily turned into a Drunken Recollection, considering the amount of beers downed over my time camping. As I explained to my sister, when I was on a cruise, I had documentation of how quickly I could finish a drink: every 15 minutes. She didn’t believe me, so she checked the clock on her phone and timed me. I didn’t rush. I casually chatted and played ladder golf. 11 minutes. I’m not proud. Well, maybe a little.
Anylowenbrau, both nights while in my tent, I was awakened with a start. Was it the booze? Was it the location? Who cares knows, but both dealt with unstoppable killers.
The first night’s dream started off okay. It featured the lovely Julie Bowen.
I tried. She changed her number.
Sure, she was breaking up with me, but I was keeping calm. I remember saying, “Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t still love me.” And she couldn’t. So WIN!
Somebody was trying to interview me about my latest book, and we kept trying to move to quieter areas in the nightclub. Eventually, we were in the alley, where my car was parked. The trunk was open, and a sewer portal was running through it.
The interviewer spotted a mining cap and pick axe and reached for it. I warned him not too, and that’s when this guy appeared:
Pote Snitkin cleans up pretty nice.
At least that’s the closest approximation of the horror that chased me. And he would not stop. At one point, I was on a roof top, and as he darted at me, he ran into a wall and fell over the side of the building.
Feeling safe, I proceeded to climb down the ladder not far from his crushed face and distorted body. As I neared the ground, he smiled and started sitting up. I woke up immediately.
The next night, my cousin’s stepson was telling me about this video showing the ghost of Michael Jackson. People that know me and/or keep up on this site know how I feel about ghosts. But I was determined not to let a ten year old see my eyes well up. Luckily, upon returning home, I discovered this explanation of the “phenomenon”:
But it still didn’t help the fact that the second night, I had a dream I was driving around at night and saw a bunch of people running in the streets. Cars were hitting people and they were flying everywhere. I saw the UPS guy that brings PC deliveries to our office get struck, so I stopped my car to check on him. As I did, a big zombie burly guy in a jump suit appeared behind me and shanked me – another one of my greatest fears.
This dream woke me in the middle of the night. I had to pee, but I had no flashlight. I went anyway. It proves I’m a big boy. I can handle anything.
I apologize for posting another video (as if I don’t post beaucoup devidz anyway), but the post I was working on started changing and growing from what I initially imagined (don’t worry – it will still be less than superb). I need to be somewhere else soon, plus I want to allow the other idea to ferment a little longer, so here’s my gift to you (via Tosh.0):