JusWondering… Who Would You Pay $75 To Ask One Question?


He's so irreverent!

Director Kevin Smith recently announced he was returning to Detroit for one of his Q&A fests, and tickets in “the good seats” are going for $75.  This increases the chance that you can actually A one Q, but is $75 worth it?  On a lucky day, you might be able to get Smith to respond to an inquiry on Twitter, and that’s free.  Besides, would I even have a question that wouldn’t be embarrassing to ask?

My wondering:

Mr. Smith, do you consider yourself a capable director?  Like, could you ever direct a high-minded, genre piece, worthy of an Academy Award nomination?  (SIDENOTE: I threw in the filler word “like” to simulate a Pulitzer Prize nomination worthy question… y’know, to like make it real.)

This got me wondering… who else would I pay $75 to ask a question?

Barack Obama, Steven Spielberg, George W. BushGeorge Lucas?

Sure.  Each one of them would get a humdinger of a wringer”, but who would I pay more than $75 to get to the bottom of things?  Probably just one:


She's so irreverent...

My one-part quiz:

Ms. Fey, can I write for your show?  Here’s a sample of my ability, and it happened In My Brain While Sleeping


*Here’s the others:

  • President Obama, do you believe in the Prime Directive?  Is that dictating your actions?
  • Mr. Spielberg, just why?  A refrigerator?  An army of monkeys?  Seriously!
  • President Bush, wanna play some Frogger?
  • Mr. Lucas… will there be Episodes VII through IX, as they could save Star Wars?  Otherwise, fuck you.

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Dreamy Episode Of 30 Rock

This dream unfolded as an episode of 30 Rock.  I shall try to capture it for you.





Last night’s skit about President Obama was a success.  All the trades are talking about it.




They’re not speaking positively about it Liz.  You said he was a member of the Illuminati.




We were poking fun at the fact that every president is in the Illuminati.  We don’t want to appear left-winged all the time.  Besides, the Illuminati doesn’t even exist.  I don’t even know what they’re all about.




(running into room, disguised not necessarily as a ninja)Did you hear?  An eight year-old blogger was assassinated uptown because he said he didn’t like the president’s new dog.




That’s ridiculous, Tracey.  Obama would never do that… would… he…


Tracey and Liz visit Jack to discuss the possibility of danger.




The both of you don’t really believe the conspiracy theory that the Illuminati exists, do you?  Let alone the possibility that our latest president could be a part of that organization?  And that he would be willing to assassinate bloggers?




Eight year-old bloggers.





Tell you what.  To appease you both and to provide a sense of safety, why don’t we get that makeup artist in here…




The one that turned Tracey into Robery Downey, Jr?





Yes, that one.  He–


Jack’s office window suddenly shatters and Tracey and Liz flee, screaming.  Jack picks up a found golf ball.




Moonves, isn’t it a bit early for building tee off?






Wow, Toofer… this is a really nice place for the salary we’re paying you.




It didn’t come equipped with windows.  That’s how I can afford it on my salary.  And your welcome, for letting you stay here.




(eating food out of Toofer’s fridge) Thank you.



Liz and Tracey try various hiding places while Jack talks to them.




A week has passed, and no serious threats have been made against your lives.  Can you finally admit that there is no Illuminati?

Liz and Tracey finally stand up and face him.




Yes.  Yes, we can.





(Anonymous voice from speaker phone) That’s sufficient.





You know Jack, Liz and I have learned a lot from this experience.  Like not to jump to conclusions when eight year-old bloggers get assassinated.  And how to make pumpkin pies.  Toofer is a great chef and teacher.


More Abby Elliott!

Since she was not prominently featured yet again on last weekend’s episode of “Saturday Night Live,” here’s Abby Elliott doing another skit for the Upright Citizens Brigade Midnight Show.  Enjoy!

Here’s the new cast member voted most likely to replace Tina Fey – Michaela Watkins.  Enjoy as well!

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It’s On! It’s So On! (Or Not…)

Last night on “Saturday Night Live,” the inevitable happended…

Mark Wahlberg showed up to face off against Andy Samberg!  (Oh, and Governor Palin was on there to make fun of Tina Fey, as well, but I digress.)

I’ll let the video speak for itself.  (View the Palin/Fey battle here.)

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In My Brain While Sleeping… “Scorsese Can’t Save Me!”

Update: I originally pulled this because I didn’t like the ending, but my sister Becky had a dream end the same way for a week prior to mine, so it’s back for the weirdness of that.

Last night’s dream session was a doozy.  It all began with me attending the brand new arena for the Colorado Avalanche; they were playing the Red Wings.  But this was the new and enhanced version of hockey.  The rink was squared, and there were goals at each wall – so two goaltenders per team.

As I made my way around the extravagant facilities, with the wide aisles, plush seats, carpeting, and fine dining.  I came upon three of my friends, who incidentally wore the same long-sleeve polo shirt with one-inch green and navy blue stripes.  I mocked them for matching, but the third friend swore his wasn’t the same… it was green and black stripes.

No one had noticed the accessory on my face – a bull nose ring.  Rather than the ring being pierced through the flesh that keeps me from having one giant nostril (imagine that!), it was a metal clamp that was held together by a screw that went through my lip.

As I mingled with the masses, which included celebrities, the nose ring somehow came unattached and slipped into my mouth.  It got lodged in my throat, so I hurried to the bathroom so I could hack it out.

In the marble and gold encrusted expanse that was the unisex bathroom, I politely tried to cough the ring out.  Men and women were coming and going (no puns intended folks).  Slowly but surely, the place emptied out.  Even the bubble bath bathers were leaving.  Once alone, I coughed up a storm (why I waited, I have have no idea… I must not have been choking since it was a ring).

Finally, I got it out and tried to figure out how to get the thing back on.  Marty Scorsese came in at that point and we had some idle chit-chat in front of the mirrors.  Another guy came in and brandished a gun.  First, he pointed it at Scorsese, but then he aimed at me.  I remember turning and the bullet struck me behind the ear on the left side of the head.  I fell back and felt the warm spilling out my neck as Marty stood over me, telling me he missed.

Then I woke up.  Must have been that taco salad I ate last night after watching the Wings game.  And I think I might coming down with a cold since my nose is runny and my throat is scratchy…  Oh, and I can’t take Thursdays anymore without my “30 Rock” fix!  I miss Tina Fey.  I love everything she does… even those commercials…