monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… What A Tees

This post is an imaginary post that I might have written in the 90’s.  Hence the monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK, minus the monkeys…

T-shirts are definition in cloth form.  They’re not only brand labels, but personality labels.

When I wore Rude Dog shirts, I wanted to be seen as a Rude Dog:

I was usually more in the mood to be annoying.

When I wanted to be as bad as Bart Simpson, I’d get out my slingshot and this shirt:

Somebody ate my shorts.

When I wanted people to think I was stuck up and well-traveled (and well fed), I’d wear something from my Hard Rock Cafe collection:

(Insert city name above... and Ray-Bans)

And then there was one shirt I always considered wearing because they were punny, but never did because they were, well, you be the judge:

Additional phrase: "Something-something-something up-stares."

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Happy Finds… One For Now – One For Later

Write this name down:

Grace Helbig.

Why, you might ask?  Because this girl is gonna be Helbig.  Not big as in huge.  Well, not huge as in large.  Um, not large as in… well, I’ll just say it – not fat.  (But yes to phat.)

Anyyoutube, ever since first catching my attention on G4’s Attack of the Show, I’ve been checking out her vlog: Daily Grace.  And I can’t stop watching.

I don’t think she’s for everybody, but her comedic talents are palpable.  One of her better vids from last year:

I’ve sort of jumped around her catalog, but once I start, I’m mesmerized.  I truly believe her natural skills and natural looks could go over very well on the big screen.  And by big screen, I don’t mean fat screen.

Now back to the small screen… Have you heard this?

The Simpsons might get their own 24-hour channel!

How cool would that be?  I’d probably start watching them again… while in any waiting room… instead of the news.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Simpsons Of The Futurama

To post this picture first might give away the punchline, but here we go anywiggums:

The All-New Depressing Simpsons!

I’ve dreamed in cartoon only once before (and also in comic strip), but now I’m able to add another to the short list.

Somehow, I knew this episode of The Simpsons came from five years from now, when the show would be in something like its 30th season.  Clearly out of ideas, the yellow family revamped itself in this way:

  • In the opening of the episode, it is revealed that Bart won a contest to be home plate umpire in a major league game.
  • For the last call of the game, he calls an outside pitch a strike, and the fans storm the field and trample him, in effect, killing him.
  • Upon further review of the call, it’s revealed at Bart’s wake that he was 100% correct.
  • Despondent, the Simpsons seek out and adopt a baby from Africa that looks a lot like Hermes from Futurama (even though he’s Jamaican).
  • Also, Milhouse moves into their home, since he too is riddled with grief.
  • Every joke that’s attempted throughout the episode falls flat, and a beat following every punchline, Milhouse sobs over what the show has become…

…just like all the old fans.

Drunken Recollection… Nuclear Urine For Jellyfish?

Known for: being a fair-weather fan, squishy

Known for being: poisonous, squishy, a fair-weather fan

Who’s says you can’t learn new things when you’re drinking?  Time and again, when I make a point to remember the revelations experienced despite the buckets of booze in my system, chances are pretty decent I won’t forget.

For example: last night at trivia, a question we’ve had before reared it’s head.

Q: What type of bird is most commonly used as a state bird?  It’s currently used by seven states.
A: Cardinals.

I don’t know this.  But I remembered it.

Just like I remember finding out that there’s a minor league baseball team in Albuquerque called the Isotopes.  I did not previously know this, but I knew it had to be named after the team in The Simpsons.  I did not remember that in one episode of the show, the home team was supposed to move to Albuquerque, but now I know via Wikipedia, and it makes their name choice that much less arbitrary and forgivable (sorry about the drunken tirade, Isotopes!)

Another thing I was forced to investigate after another drunken tirade was the notion of urinating on yourself after being stung by a jellyfish.  Much debate was given on whether it had to be your pee, someone else’s pee, if it could be a beer piss, etc.

These are some facts things I discovered:

  • Urine can help.
  • Urine doesn’t do anything.
  • Urine can make things worse.

Soooo… hopefully I won’t encounter any jellyfish when I vacation in Mexico later this year.  Now I know that I don’t know anything for sure, but I probably wouldn’t let someone pee on me, or me on myself, just in case.  I just hope I remember that when I’m on the beach – and drunk.