star wars

JusWondering… What Would You Put On Your Scale Of Fury?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This has been something I’ve been meaning to transcribe for a while now, and even by doing so, rage has bubbled up from the depths of my… say, what’s it called if you don’t have a soul?

Anyemptyvessel, this is my Scale of Fury.  It’s a series of missteps in pop culture that shake me to my core me, ranked on a scale from 1 to 10.  1 equals “infuriating” and 10 equals “someone must die.”

Let’s begin:

1) Invention of the word Squeakquel

This filmed monstrosity should not have occurred once, let alone twice.  It’s already cloying enough without an unnecessary pun.  Much like my pun above.

2) The Prequels

Not too long ago, and not very far away, I would have ranked Jake, Hayden, Jar Jar, and Ani much higher on my Scale of Fury.  But a few factors have changed that.  One – The Clone Wars cartoon series is really good.  Two – there’s a lot more crap out there that pisses me off more.

3) No guns in E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial

Steven Spielberg needs to make some new friends.  George Lucas no doubt inspired Spielberg to go back and tinker with (and tinkle on) his classic 80’s family film.  Why remove the guns?  That’s how we knew the bad guys were bad guys.  Sure, they were aiming them at little kids, but we knew they weren’t going to use them.  Just like it was with the Russians and their nukes…

4) The Special Editions

Where to begin with these nut shots?  Jabba the Shitty CGI.  Young Anakin’s Jedi Spirit.  The replaced musical numbers.  This:

5) Cancellation of “Arrested Development”

It could be higher up on the list, but it did get three (2.75) full seasons.  Was it Fox’s fault for shitty scheduling?  Or is America primarily full of According to Jim fans?  I think the questions answer each other.

6) Emo Spider-Man

I’m sure I hope Sam Raimi had a better plan for what could have been the best Spider-Man film of them all.  Instead, we got Sandman, a rushed Harry Osborne vengeance/rebirth subplot, a wasted Eddie Brock/Venom, and this:

7) Cancellation of “Firefly”

You can blame this one on me as much as everyone else.  I kept hearing all the rave reviews about this show while it was shortly on the air, and I never watched.  Could just one person have made a difference?  If that one person was me, then yes.

8) The Last Airbender movie

I wanted earth, wind, water, and fire from this remake of the incredible Nickelodeon show, and all I got was fart noises.  Must. Repress. My. Diatribe.  (More on my thoughts on M. Night Shyamalan)

9) Indiana Jones and the Give Me a Fucking Break

Again, the Spielberg with the Lucas.  To distract myself: anyone else ever notice ol’ Steven’s initials are “S.S.“?  Ironic, no?  (More of my thoughts on Kingdom of the Crystal Skull)

10) The “LOST” Finale

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again.  Fu. Ck. Th. Is. Sh. Ow.  For years, I defended it, telling people the writers weren’t making it up as they went along.  They were making it up as they went along.  (More of my thoughts on LOST)

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Celebrity Name Offspring Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a (small) big clue.

This edition of the So, Duh! Pop Quiz shouldn’t be too difficult if you know people’s names and faces.  If you know just names, or just faces, face it – you won’t guess the names.

How this works is you’ll get a pairing of celebrities (or famous people… I don’t know if there’s a difference).

I won’t disclose either of their full names (if you need a clue, you can move your mouse over their picture).

One the pictured individuals’ two names will be the answer’s first name, and one of the other’s two names will be the answer’s last name.  Get it?  I think you’ll get it.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5) (this one needs a clue)

(Answers after the jump)

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Happy Find… Star Wars Here! (But Far, Far Away…)

Posted on by sgottahurt

How effing cool is this?

"Kick back and relax..." "Roger, roger..."

(SIDENOTE: I am not sure why sometimes I feel it necessary to censor myself and type “effing” instead of the real word.  Oh well, fuck it.)

This is just one doctored shot in the film series by Cedric Delsaux.

(SIDENOTE: I was going to specify that he was a French photographer, but it seemed self-explanetory.  Ha!  See-threepio what I did there?)

Basically, he took pictures around Dubai, and added in Star Wars characters.  It’s as nerdy cool as it sounds.  You can check the rest out by clicking here.

In other Star Wars news, could these fire rescue masks be the inspiration for Darth Vader and C-3PO?

Yeah, probably.

Apparently they were used in between the late 1880’s and World War I.  From the article in the Atlantic:

“The buzz among collectors is that George Lucas’ designers must have found inspiration in these smoke helmets and other [sic] like them,” [collector Steve] Erenberg wrote. “In fact, one well-known 19th-century manufacturer” — that early company — “was named Vajen-Bader.” From there, Vader isn’t a big stretch.

(SIDENOTE: None of it’s a big stretch.)

(Thanks Becky for the find at the top!)

All I Want For Christmas Is… This!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I feel fuzzy that this one is a no-brainer.  It’s available from ThinkGeek and…

"Tauntauns roasting on an open fire..."

Awww… gawdammit!  It’s the stupid Wampa Rug that’s for sale…

Worth 1002 Words… Star Wars Tirade Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Klaatu, Brutus?

(SIDENOTE: It makes a lot of sense to give the proper name to the character formerly known as Klaatu, because Kenner did the same with many other toys, like Ponda Baba (Walrus Man), Momaw Nadon (Hammerhead), or Saelt-Marae (Yak Face).  You know, because he’s a Klaatu and his name his Wooof…

…wait, what’s that?

His people are actually called Kadas’sa’Nikto, so his name could be (and once was) Klaatu, but they’ve finally opted to go with Wooof because, well, just because of this quote via Wookieepedia:

The Green Nikto seen in Jabba’s palace was called Klaatu, though Wooof was one of the production names used for this character. ―Leland Chee (whoever he is)

So there’s no reason for the ridiculous change.  And that’s it for my nerdy tirade.  As the famous line from The Day the Earth Stood Still goes:

Klaatu barada nikto…

…end SIDENOTE)

JusWondering… Which Happened Longer Ago – Star Wars Or Lord Of The Rings?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This originated as a Drunken Recollection, but it was so long ago (or I was so hammered), I don’t recall the events that lead to the discussion.  But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve wanted to map out where other period pieces fell.

So here’s what you get, you lucky bastards:

  • When The Lord of the Rings took place, according to some nerd:

While it’s fiction, Tolkien did leave a telling clue as to his “historic timetable”. Numenor, also called Atlantis, was destroyed about 3000 years before the events of Lord of the Rings. The reference we have in actual historical records about Atlantis date that city at 10,000 BCE. So, the events of the trilogy would have taken place around 7000 BCE, with the fading of magic and the start of the fourth age around that time. (Keep in mind that the Atlantis story itself comes from a single reference in what amounted to a text about political systems).

BTW, BCE is the new PC term for BC (CE is the new AD, I guess).  And since we’re just over 2000 years beyond the nerds estimate, I’m sticking with about 10,000 years ago.

Now as for Star Wars, there is some divide, mostly because people are idiots, and they can’t grasp the concept a long time ago and futuristic technology.

It’s not specified in Earth years, just that it happened “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Most of the dates in Star Wars are relative to pivotal battles. The Battle of Yavin is typically used as the starting point. So everything is either BBY (Before Battle of Yavin) or ABY (After Battle of Yavin).

There are two possibilities. The Star Wars universe might be located in a parallel universe and might be taking place in our time. Or if they are in war in our Milky Way Galaxy, the date is most likely the year 3,000. If current technological advances keep up in the rapid pace they are in we will one day live in a Star Wars-like universe, I guarantee it.

That’s a guarantee to put money on.  What a fucking dipshit.  He contradicted himself in his own answer.  In all actuality, I liked this answer the best:

1943

So that got me thinking… what if the Star Wars films really took place in our universe.  Perhaps during the Clone Wars, some Jedi or Sith Lords happened upon or planet, and taught the ancient Egyptians how to build the pyramids?  That would place them at about 5000 years ago.

And maybe what happened in Roswell was a cover up of a long-awaited return visit.

And maybe, just maybe… that’s where the English language came from.

And finally, here’s that period piece map I promised.  Enjoy!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Yoda’s Idea Of Perfection

Posted on by sgottahurt

This dream probably (definitely) has to deal partly with me watching The Clone Wars cartoon, and partly with me subconsciously thinking… well, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Basically, Yoda appeared before me and he told me this:

Most perfect creation in all of the universe, a bubble is.

(Sort Of) Artistic Representation

I might have to agree with the sagely Jedi.  The way a bubble fights to be a perfect sphere, the way it captures and disperses reflections and light, there are plenty of reasons why Yoda might believe – or know – that.

But what does it mean?

Double bubble... so intense!

Dubble Bubble... not so intense...

InASense, Lost… The Force Is No Longer Strong Within Me

Posted on by sgottahurt

Like many (all?) guys my age, I grew up on Star Wars.

And like many (some?) guys (nerds?) my age, I was way too into it for far too long.

I collected the toys when I was a child, and when they returned to the scene in 1995, I was spellbound.  I gobbled up every figure, ship, and accessory I could get my hands on.  I even waited in line at midnight to get the first wave of toys from The Phantom Menace.

That was a mistake.  And the collecting didn’t last much longer.  In fact, I recently sold my collection for $400.  It originally cost me around $3000.

But like all bad habits, one remnant remains.  I still like to look at the new lines.  It’s been fun to see what figures finally got made, and how some (many) get re-made.  Unfortunately, with The Clone Wars animated movie and TV show, I’m realizing how out of the loop I am when I’m not recognizing them anymore.

Some of the later figures I’m aware of, such as Ahsoka Tano, Asajj Ventress, and Jacen and Jaina Solo.

And some of the faces I recognize if not the names.

The following are the ones I don’t (even though a few were in the original six films):

  • Cad Bane – from The Clone Wars show

Cad Bane is hired by Darth Sidious to break into the Jedi Temple and steal a holocron containing the secret names of future Jedi. The resourceful and cunning bounty hunter carefully puts his plan in place using schematics of the temple, a techno-service droid and an unscrupulous shapeshifter.

  • Leesub Sirln – from Episode IV: A New Hope

Leesub Sirln is a Qiraash and one of the patrons in the Mos Eisley cantina on Tatooine. She is hiding from Imperial authorities that suspect her of having precognitive powers and have declared her a Force adept.

  • Rum Sleg – from Episode I: The Phantom Menace

The Boonta Eve Classic Podrace draws a huge crowd of spectators including bounty hunter Rum Sleg. Held just outside Mos Espa, the race is a high-speed, death-defying competition, which doesn’t stop young Anakin Skywalker from competing.

  • Admiral Yularen – from The Clone Wars show

The Republic admiral oversees a large fleet during the Clone Wars, coordinating battle campaigns from the bridge of his flagship, the Resolute. He contacts battle leaders, such as Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi, to keep track of ongoing situations.

  • Hondo Ohnaka – from The Clone Wars show

Hondo Ohnaka is the leader of a band of Weequay pirates and is always accompanied by Pilf Mukmuk, his Kowakian monkey lizard. The pirate chief captures Count Dooku and plans to demand a large ransom for the return of the powerful Separatist leader.

  • Willrow Hood – from Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Willrow Hood works for the gas mining company on Cloud City. When the Empire seizes control of the city, Hood destroys a computer memory core to prevent the Empire from discovering information about secret transactions with the Rebels.

(SIDENOTE: Oh!  He’s also known as the Ice Cream Maker Guy.)

What is he carrying? An ice cream maker!

  • Gelagrub Patrol – from Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Clone troopers ride gelagrubs to patrol the fungal forests of Felucia. Also known as Felucian ground beetles, gelagrubs are easily domesticated in their larval form to be used as mounts. Republic forces invade Felucia to free it from the control of the Separatists and capture the Commerce Guild’s headquarters located on the planet.

  • Jeremoch Colton – from Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Jeremoch Colton is the pilot of Senator Bail Organa’s ship, the Tantive IV. As Colton is flying the vessel into Coruscant, he receives a message from Chancellor Palpatine’s office, which he plays for Organa and his passengers Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

  • And I have no idea who this chick in a Stormtrooper chest plate is supposed to be…

Needless to say, the last good Star Wars thing I saw was Genndy Tartakovsky’s take on the Clone Wars cartoon.  I’ve only seen Episode III once, hence the fuzzy memories.  And after all this, what is my lesson learned?

I need to start watching The Clone Wars on the Cartoon Network!

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… John Williams’ Theme To Star Wars

Posted on by sgottahurt

Some days you wake up to find out you crapped the bed.  Other days, you wake up to find out the bed crapped on you.

Today, I found out John Williams (and George Lucas) crapped in my bed.

(more on this here)

Drunken Recollection… DrunkWonderings

Posted on by sgottahurt

While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head.  These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):

1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.

"I've made a huge mistake."

For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby.  And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.

  • Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.”  (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
  • Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.

On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.

2) I should have picked different friends.

"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"

Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old.  And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know?  I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un.  The incident that triggered this thought:

  • A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son.  Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate).  She wrote:

May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry.  (Or something like that.)

  • To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.

3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?

4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?

BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE A JusWondering:

Why can’t I stop watching this video?

Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit: