Happy Find… Jimmy Fallon’s “7th Floor West”

Tonight is the sixth season premiere of The Hills, and I hate to admit this but the show fascinates me.

It’s not like a car wreck or guilty pleasure kind of thing… The best analogy I can think of is that it’s hypnotic like a campfire.

You watch the flames move around without rhyme, reason, or purpose, sucking in the oxygen, destroying that from which it springs.  When two logs strike each other, sparks fly.  It makes you feel warm and fuzzy because you know you’re safe, and far from burning in the random pointlessness of the hot embers.  You enjoy marshmallows on chocolate in between graham crackers.

That’s exactly what watching The Hills is like.

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And that’s the very essence that Late Night With Jimmy Fallon captures in their spoof series, 7th Floor West.  So grab some mini marshmallows and a box of Teddy Grahams and click the image to link to the campyfire that is Jimmy Fallon’s 7th Floor West (all the episodes):

Jimmy and ZOMG! He's with Whitney Port from "The City"!

Jimmy and ZOMG! He's with Whitney Port from "The City"!

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Trio Of Deliriums

I don’t even know if there’s an interest in the strange things I dream about, but it’s my blog and I can cry write about it if I want to.  I look at it mostly as the catalog I always meant to keep, but um, now do.

Over all the years, and even the months of this site, I know many odd and wondrous things have slipped through the cracks.  I collect here those that made it past the brain fade into oblivion, or the ones I care to share, which honestly are almost all… For example, I exclude those that are merely half ideas or lack narratives, like the dream where I had a motorcycle again (whoo hoo) or owned a gun that was combined with a bullhorn (a loudener, if you will).

For the sake of avoiding specifics on these dreams, I simply made montages.  In one case, it’s a Montag.

DELIRIUM 1

elephantdream

INGREDIENTS: Penn & Teller, two elephants (one pictured), a giant spatula, and buckets of fake blood.  It was one of their acts.  It was initially horrifying, then not so much so.

DELIRIUM 2

ocarinadream2

 

INGREDIENTS: Well, more of an explanation is needed here… there was this baby that had oily (pre-acne) skin, and depending upon how you touched the infant’s back, the child would make musical note sounds like an ocarina.  So as you held the baby in your arms, instead of crying, you heard elevator music, or the stylings of Kenny G.

DELIRIUM 3

speididream

INGREDIENTS: Spencer and Heidi Pratt and the cast of Kappa Mikey.  Man, those two don’t know the meaning of the word overexposure… and yes, they were in this cartoon.

OVERALL INGREDIENTS FOR DELIRIUMS (OR DELERIA, IF YOU PREFER): Velveeta cheese after beer and Pizza Rolls before beer.

Breaking News (If You Care)! Heidi Montag Expecting (If You Can Believe Her Twitter Page)

UPDATE: It was a stupid April Fool’s joke, but then again, look at the perpetrator.

You can see the great certainty with which I’m announcing the the fact that Heidi Montag Tweeted that she’s not only expecting, but she’s hoping it’s a boy.  Is it an April Fool’s Joke?

From her Twitter page:

heidimontagtwitter

Now, I must admit… I’m still not sure the page is real.  She does so much “Bible thumping” and “God is great!” singing and dancing, that it seemed out of character for her.  But alas, I (obviously) do not know her, and I don’t live in L.A. to verify her events, such as her supposed Ryan Seacrest show appearance that was cancelled, so it could be real.

So hey, I guess that kind of puts the kibosh on my wish list plans for next Christmas

BONUS: Click here to hear her new songs.  Oh, the timing of it all!  What kismet!  Hahaha… KIIS-met!  That’s Seacrest’s station!  And did you also know season five of The Hillsstarts April 6th?  Such serendipity!  Extra emphasis on the dipity!

All I Want For Christmas Is… Heidi Montag To Get Divorced… I Think

 
16341PCN_montag
Is this what Nickelodeon meant by salute your shorts?
Here’s the sitch…

There once was a girl back in high school that straight-up annoyed the piss out of me.  She was in a handful of classes, she was on pom, and again – her voice, her slouch, and her demeanor grated on me.  So of course I developed a crush on her.  Call it “thin line between love and hate”… I call it dysfunctional.  And I’m afraid the same thing is happening with Heidi Montag… I think.  It’s all so confusing this thing called love lust indifference love.

Let me say this: I-should-not-know-who-this-person-is.  I should not know the names Lauren Conrad, Audrina Patridge (when she has NSFW pix like this and this it’s hard not to), and Spencer Pratt because I do not watch MTV.  I am not “The Hills” target audience, yet I read blogs with similar sentiments about the cast and show, and lo and behold – I’m savvy.

Why do you taunt me?

Is this how she sleeps? Uncomfortable...

So I guess what I’m asking Santa for a divorce proceeding between my dear sweet Heidi and that douchenozzle, Spencer.  By the time the paperwork’s filed, I may no longer want to be with her, but at least she’ll be available if I change my mind.  Bonus: she’ll be free of the douchenozzle.

P.S. Does she do anything other than hang out in a bikini?  The answer is yes – she sings in a bikini, too.

(SIDENOTE: Heidi, I could have directed a video at least TWICE as good as your boy did.)