How r-worded is it that we can’t say the r-word anymore? To me, it implies that those people who are mentally challenged are r-worded when I don’t think of them that way. R-worded people that do f-wording stupid things are r-worded! Does this logic make any sense? Or am I being completely r-worded on this one…
In the name of satire (according to Sarah Palin’s definition <– please check out the embedded video), I’ve collected a list of items that I consider r-worded, in relation to Actors! who played r-words on film.
Pretend that they’re the R-Word A-Wards:
R-WORDED COMEDY – “There’s Something About Mary” (which isn’t as bad as “The Ringer,” I guess)
R-WORDED DIRECTOR – M. Night Shyamalan (Proof – “The Village,” “Lady in the Water,” “The Happening”)
R-WORDED IDEA – Radio riding downhill in a shopping cart… unless someone’s filming it for Break.com
R-WORDED HAIRCUT – Come on Gilbert Grape, take better care of your brother.
R-WORDED USE FOR A BELT – Book Binder (AWESOME USE FOR A SLING BLADE – Murder Weapon)
R-WORDED BEATLES MOTIF – “All you need is love…” and better traction on your shoes when you’re carrying a cake
REGULAR LENNIE – He only wanted to tend the rabbits (R-WORDED LENNY – He hung out with Squiggy)
R-WORDED LOVE STORY – ‘Nuff said (“The Other Sister”)
Ben Stiller’s character in “Tropic Thunder” went full r-word in “Simple Jack”…
They are my mortal enemy, and I plan routes to avoid their gas- and time-consuming design. I would have went off on a major diatribe about their history (to eventually piss me off) and reason for existence (to actually piss me off), but then I thought:
What other driving annoyances could be named after other states?
For example, people that make wide turns drive me crazy (pun… ha!), so why not name them after the fattest state in America:
Mississippi Wide Turn
On his way to get Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Or how about people that never use blinkers, that cut other cars off without noticing them, or that brake when they’re merging? Florida could best represent them because of the old people and their road wandering ways, but that’s too easy. That’d be like naming traffic jams after California, or paid turnpikes after New Jersey or Ohio. Wait! Where are some of the most erratic drivers in this nation? Got it:
New York Merging
Just don't tell him I said this
Then there’s the opposite end of that spectrum. People that don’t turn off their turn signal, that slow down or stop in the wrong lane to make a left or pull into a parking lot, or that swerve erratically. It could be the old people again, or even the young this time, but I’m saving Florida for something else. Let’s call this style of driving:
California Dreaming
"I have a date with Destiny. And it wasn't cheap!"
And here’s one annoyance that needs little introduction:
Florida Tailgaters
I guess it could mean you're partying just as well. Cheers!
My last suggestion might need some back story (side story?), so here ya go… I’ve always dreamed of going to Alaska to experienceeither the summer or winter solstice (or both), or to have a chance to witness the northern lights. Then someone had to pop their little head up into the social consciousness and make me reconsider everything, hence the:
Alaskan U-Turn
"U-turn me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a hockey mom..."
I’m speechless. You just need to watch this video. Quite possibly the best spoof and satire ever captured in 2:45 minutes. I’ve spent about 24:50 minutes rewatching it.
For anyone that cares, Sarah Palin is a GILF that’s now a GILF (if you’re into governors and grandmas, that is).
Bristol Palin gave birth to Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston on Saturday, according to People Magazine (via AOL News). The dad, Wrangler Johnston, or whatever blue jeans he’s named after, is probably somewhere with his hand stuck in a pickle jar because his fist is closed around the last dill, and he still hasn’t realized that’s why it’s stuck.
Considering the imaginative names of the Palin brood – Track, Bristol, Willow, Piper, and Trig – Tripp isn’t that creative. It’s a verb, for Sarah’s version of Jesus’ sake… not a name.
As powerful as expected, President Elect Barack Obama gave his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park last night. My sister, Becky, was there to witness it as it happened.
I was just there over the weekend, as I mentioned in another post, to see the Lions get beat by the Bears, barely. (I was wearing my #20 Seanders jersey, and you better believe I was the nicest guy in Soldier Field ever, but I digress.) I was kind of waiting for the inevitable to happen before I revealed this, but… I found a copy of Obama’s first draft of the speech.
It turned up in a trash bin outside of a Potbelly near Michigan Avenue. What was I doing looking in the trash, you might wonder, and rather than let your mind wander, I’ll share this… my sister threw out half of her cookie I totally would have eaten!
Some highlights from the speech, followed by excerpts of the alleged first draft:
He opened the speech with talk of the American dream, and about the people that waited in record lines to vote.
It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.
He originally planned to finish that statement with this: “…of states of confusion and states of clarity.”
After more positivity, he spoke about his opponent:
Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.
I thought this part would have been nice had he kept it: “And wasn’t he great on Saturday Night Live? The part about the Joe action figures, and the pork knives… heck, the whole thing was pretty hilarious.”
I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.
“Oh, and thanks, again Senator for choosing the Governor as your running mate. Really, really thanks.”
He goes on to thank Vice President Elect Joe Biden, his wife, his children, his grandmother that passed away the day before the election, and the rest of his family. Then he brought up his friends.
And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America. To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.
“And Bill… you know who you are, and where you are. Whether you’re above ground, or underground.”
But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.
“And to you, and you, and you… (point at random people for about ten minutes).”
The remainder pretty much remained the same, except for the very ending.
This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.
Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.
“And thanks for taking a chance on me.” Then he planned to close with one of these songs:
Or Flo Rida’s hit:
(Full actual transcript from CNN here. Full actual video of speech here.)
I’ve refrained from getting into political discourse on this page because there are far better blogs on WordPress for that (such as Mudflats and Margaret and Helen for example). But this I found via BlackSpin and I’m sure it will soon be everywhere. Ladies and gents I present to you: The Wassup Guys from the Budweiser commercials – Eight Years Later.
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