JusWondering… When’s The Last Time I Paid For Any Of These Things?

It recently occurred to me that I haven’t paid for a few of these things in awhile:


What's worse - paper cuts or cut-offs? Discuss.

As an almost life-long writer (though you may not be able to tell by the crappiness that is this site), I’ve needed to print up many an item.  This never happens at home.  Or at Kinko’s.  Or at my ma’s.  I will not state where I do my printing, as not to indict myself.


These, I might buy.

Batteries are required for only a few things in my home – my wireless keyboard and mouse, my remote controls, my thermostat, and my Wiimotes.  I don’t buy batteries.  I switch them around as needed (thermostat gets the highest priority ‘natch, followed by the remote controls).  I will not disclose my power source.


Hey kids! These are fun to put in microwaves!

This is more of a situation dealing with a change in times.  I used to go through blank CD’s like Mountain Dew, until I got my iPod.  And jump drives and portable external hard drives have eliminated my lust for blank DVD’s.  But still, even when I regularly used them, guess what?  I never bought them.


How'd I miss this pic?

I mean pictures, of course.  I used to have to “take pictures,” but now I can just take pictures.  Geez.  Don’t judge me just because the internet is full of REDACTED.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

From shitty to shittier indeed...

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb.  I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers.  Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants.  The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!)  Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial?  I smell no sense of adventure.  I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other.  It’s all tell, and no show!  Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?!  Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?!  And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway.  (It was free…)  Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters.  It was all I had.  She made a face, and I left.  Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays?  Cigarettes?  No.  A beer at the bar?  No.  Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew?  Sometimes.  Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

Drunken Recollection… The Difference Between Wants And Needs

I learned a couple new things about myself the other night, courtesy of pouring fermented hops down my throat, of course.  Discoveries are rare as they are, so here are my findings.

There Are Things That I Want

Such as t-shirts that broadcast products that I like…


Hey ladies, guess what I drink?


Hey ladies, guess what I've watched?

And There Are Things That I Need

Such as definitely bullhorns on my Honda Civic…


In My Brain While Sleeping… Loud Noises, Where-Wolves, And A Bounty Hunter Makes A Correction Regarding His Name

Since this blog is an open book to all my weaknesses, it’s sorta turned into my (NERD ALERT!) Xavier Protocols.  Of my weaknesses (vanilla-scented anything falls high on that list), loud noises while I sleep smacks near the top.  On the night of these particular dreams, I fell asleep with the television on only to be awakened by a loud lawyer commercial.

Okay, it wasn’t that one, but imagine if the explosions were audible, then you’d get the picture.


Anyambulancechaser, in the first dream, I encountered a new breed of night creatures… the WHERE-WOLVES.  How were they different than werewolves?  Let me explain with a (NERD ALERT!) toy from the remake reboot whatever second Hulk movie:

You see, in the flick, which I have not seen, the dude on the right mutates into the monster on the left.  This toy, called the Hulk Deluxe Mutating Abomination, does not mutate at all.  Instead of either really mutating by adding water, or by simply imagining that it happens, the little guy fits into a compartment on the back of the big guy.  Dumb?  You bet.

Well that’s pretty much how where-wolves worked.  Wolves merged with their host humans so both could exist.  To recombine, humans hovered over the wolves.  Now that you’ve pictured it, moving on…

My other dream involved a (NERD ALERT!) Star Wars character.  Growing up, I knew this bounty hunter…


…as Zuckuss and this guy…


…as 4-LOM.  But as it turned out, the original Kenner toy line had it wrong in the 80’s, and with the re-releases of the toys in the 90’s, they rectified the problem and named each of them correctly.  To me though, Zuckuss will always be 4-LOM and 4-LOM will be Zuckuss.  Until I was corrected in a dream.  This guy…


…showed up to tell me his name really was Allen.

INGREDIENTS: Turkey and provolone on a bagel and a Mountain Dew.  And beer.

In My Brain While Sleeping… So Long, Tiny Zebra And Tiny Cougar, I Will Miss You

I don’t know of any better way to convey this oddity of a dream that stuck with me.  So here it is chronologically.  Now with 100% more pictures!


I started off on a cruise ship that went to an island (of course), and I took a helicopter out to sea.



Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)

Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)

And because I was afraid of heights (from being in the helicopter), I jumped into ocean, hitched on ride on tandem jet ski, and saw huge porpoises with wrench-like teeth and giant dolphins leaping  over row boats and other jet skis.





simplemathOnce I reached dry land found, I found a tiny zebra and a tiny cougar (both were pocket-sized).


deepimpactI carried them around we me (in my pockets, natch) until I witnessed a tsunami coming ashore from opposite directions.


bedpanThen it suddenly turned into “real life” and I was at one of my company’s clients that sells medical equipment.  I gave my tiny zebra and my tiny cougar to their employees, so they could be cared for.



hamburgerdressI ended up finding out that the medical supplier had started manufacturing meat products out of zebras and cougars in general, so I narc’d reported them to the authorities.  




roadkillI thought they were marketing the meat as ‘hamburger,’ but in fact, they were selling it as ‘wild game’ to a restaurant near my office.



INGREDIENTS: Jellybean Nerds and Mountain Dew

JusWondering… Can You Get Drunk Off Milk?

For the month of May I’ve decided to cut out some of the things that have made my life worth living… Taco Bell, Mt. Dew, beer, um, Taco Bell, Mt. Dew, and beer, yeah…

So far, four days in, I’ve managed to keep up with the plan and maintain the social habits in which my usuals are consumed.

  • Friday – MGM Casino and Detroit Tigers’ game (drunk kids behind us would have been more fun had I also been smashed)
  • Saturday – My brother’s play (totally would have drank afterwards normally, but it was actually really entertaining)
  • Sunday – My friend’s softball game (I’m the scorekeeper, usually armed with a pen in one hand and a beer in the other) 
  • Today – 80’s Night at Comerica Park (booze fest, natch)

Yet alas, here I am, prodding through with my plan, having nightmares about caving in and drinking Mt. Dew (seriously), getting tempted like crazy.

But something strange has been occurring the last few nights.  As I sit down on my couch to prepare for a late night, pre-bedtime viewing of TV shows on DVD (just finished the hilarious It’s Always Sunny in PhiladelphiaBurn Notice is next), I’ve been partaking of a glass or two of low fat organic milk.  And after drinking that second glass, I’ve been feeling a wee bit tipsy.

So I decided to investigate if this was a phenomenon, or merely something in my head.  I remember in the short-lived comic book, X-Nation 2099, the mutants would get drunk off of milk.  So why can’t I?

There are many cases of infantile beriberi (kakke) in Japan. In most instances the mother of the afflicted infant has beriberi. However, sometimes the mother is healthy (concealed beriberi). Ito observed such a case in which the mother did not have beriberi and called the condition “mother’s milk intoxication.” But he afterward changed this name to “breast milk intoxication” because he saw cases in babies who were nourished with the milk of wet-nurses.

PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) is very provocative in its media campaign about milk, but it is correct in its message. Beer is indeed better than milk for health, as are both wine and distilled spirits.

  • Doing too many shots of milk produces the same result as too many shots of liquor:
  • Bill Murray drinks a glass of warm milk before he goes to bed.

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In My Brain While Sleeping… The Rise Of Cobra (Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter)

In one of my dreams last night, I watched/participated in the new G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie.

It began rather inoccuously, meaning it didn’t seem at all like G.I. Joe.  There was a compound and the team was being built.  It was comprised of a bunch of your movie stereotypes (which I won’t go into because it doesn’t bode well for my subconscious).  I remember a moment where a group of us were in a steel-decor room and cardboard boxes full of ammo rested on the center table.  The captain or general or secretary (I don’t recall) said “Go!” and everyone lunged for the weapons like they were candy, stuffing grenades, guns, and dynamite in their pockets.

I wore a jacket comparable to this one (based on my real-life coat, also from American Eagle):

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

Mine had big inside pouches... maybe it's made from opossums (you thought I was going to say kangaroo... No? You didn't? My bad...)

I also think that the compound was somehow connected to a resort, like in the old episodes of Get Smart.  The reason I bring this up is because at one point, after a member of my team falls through a concealed trap door, in searching for him, we fall through a similar hinged entrance.

We end up trapped with our fallen friend in a room on the resort side.  The windows are shatter-proof and there are no doors.  We can’t escape.  Then through the windows, we see a couple that I apparently met earlier.  They open the window from a latch outside, but they won’t let us out unless we can name who’s singing the song coming from their bedroom TV next door.

Right away, I know who it is: Shania Twain, and she’s doing a duet with Eurotrash superstar (?) Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw… (I don’t know exactly – it was some weird dream name).

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

I just don't have enough dreams about her.

The couple let us out, and I ran to the TV because it was one of my favorite videos.  This guy was singing the duet with Shania:

Actor: Peter Stormare!
Actor: Peter Stormare!

Anyyojoe… my team ends up getting shipped out to do battle with Cobra, and it’s at this point that I realize I watching/participating in the G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra movie and I’m pissed!  It took this long to get to any battles?! 

There was a car chase that lead to a field with way too many chain link fences.  Bullets!  Bombs!  Explosions!

I was about to get captured/killed when I realized I had one of those hypersuits (whatever the fuck they’re wearing in this preview), and I started leaping and hopping about, between crater blasts and flimsy fences.  Something trips me and I land at the feet of a guy dressed like this:

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

Like the costume on the left, but more in the direction of the one on the right... also, is she smiling at her own reflection?

As I struggle to get to my feet, he removes his mask, and lo!  Who is it?

Juraveggio Mugaiojdvkiaw…

I walked out of the movie/woke up because I thought it was stupid.

INGREDIENTS: Working 13 hours (and until 1am), 2 Cheesy Double Beef Burritos, 1 24oz. bottle of none other than Mt. Dew