monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… Are You Slimmy Ray?

What if I had a blog back in 1999?  Might I have written a post like this?

Just when I thought March of ’98 couldn’t be far enough behind me, another shitty, catchy, cash grab, ego trip of a song (?) has appeared on the airwaves, like an audio boil on FM’s backside.  The prior culprit: Jimmy Ray’s Are You Jimmy  Ray?  This January’s cold sore with a backbeat: Eminem’s My Name Is.  See which one is more cloying and annoying:

Did we really need another self-referencing pop tune?  Is this Eminem guy spoofing Jimmy Ray or ripping him off?  Luckily, the Jimmy Ray hype machine didn’t last long, so here’s to an expedient Eminem melt-in-the-hand send off.

(SIDENOTE: In reality, I still don’t like My Name Is much… Guilty Conscience was the song that changed my mind about Mr. Marshall Mathers.  Conversely, I really liked Fred Durst starting with his Faith remake and then Nookie.  Funny how things work out, eh?)

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can’t Believe Billy Joel Sang About That

These monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK entries are examples of posts I might have written in the past had there been any technology other than corded remote controls, microfiche, and record players available.  This one is about a Billy Joel song I’ve only recently heard for the first time that deals with the topic of phone sex, a.k.a. not mastering your domain.

I also need add the fact that I was a good Catholic kid.  As proof of my lunacy reverence, I remember listening to Beck’s Odelay! on my Walkman for the first time, and literally throwing the headphones off because I thought it was devil music.

It’s not like my parents were super-religious or anything either… although I do remember my dad not being too happy with Olivia Newton-John’s Physical and Huey Lewis and the News’ I Want a New Drug.  But that was just a father looking out for his kid.  It’s not like any parents let their offspring listen to artists like Nicki Minaj or Flo Rida these days…

I’m a huge fan of Billy Joel.  I grew up listening to An Innocent Man on LP, and his greatest hits collection on cassette.  Can you imagine my surprise when I heard a new old song by him playing overhead at Kmart?  I figured out it’s called Sometimes a Fantasy, and it goes a bit something like this:

While at Kmart, I looked through all the cassettes trying to find which album it was on.  I finally figured out it was on Glass Houses which came out in 1980.  That’s the record You May Be Right, Don’t Ask Me Why, and It’s Still Rock and Roll to Me were all on.  I asked my mom if I could get it, but she said I already had enough of those songs on the greatest hits collection.  It would be like throwing money away.  I begged and begged, and finally she let me get it.

As soon as I got home, I ripped open the plastic, cracked open the cassette, and popped the tape in my boombox.  I was going to fast forward past You May Be Right, but I waited through it.  I listened to it once, then rewound it to get the lyrics.  I paused it after every line so I could write it down.  And you know what it was about?

Using your imagination!  I play by myself all the time using my imagination, and now my favorite musician has sung a song about it!  What a great day!  May 13, 2002 will live on in history!

(Not So) Artistic Representation

(Not So) Artistic Representation

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Think It’s Time To Get A Bonsai… Maybe

Normally these are posts that would have taken place in the past if I had a blog, but this post is as much about now as it is about then.

Who hasn’t seen The Karate Kid, Part III?  Well, my guess is probably a lot of you, taking into consideration you might think it’s an upcoming sequel to the Jaden Smith flick, and it’s being filmed simultaneously as The Karate Kid, Part II, just like how they did Back to the Future The Matrix Reloaded and Revolutions The Lord of the Rings Trilogy The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Parts 1 & 2.

Anyiamthemanwhowillfightforyourhonor, here’s the poster with its awesome slogan:

First it was teacher to student.
Then it was father to son.
Now it’s man to man.

Fuck yeah!

So a lot of the 1989 classic (that’s right… I said classic) centers around Mr. Miyagi’s  bonsai tree shop wishes, and ever since then, I’ve sorta wanted one.

But I forgot that.

Until I got a pop-up ad reminding me.

But could I do it?  Could I actually care for one?!  They’re not the easiest (or cheapest) plants to raise.  I don’t think I’m cut out for it (no pun intended).  Or am I?  Sorry, but this post has rattled free my insecurity about many life matters.  I have to go now…

That’s a big little commitment.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Can Still Sing The Theme To Pole Position

This is a weird situation for me.  I consider myself fairly savvy about 80’s pop culture.  I can pull nuggets of recollections (drunken or otherwise) that would put search engines to shame.

For instance, after all these years, how can I still remember the theme song to a show that ran 28 years ago for thirteen episodes:

Equally as strange as knowing the lyrics to Pole Position is knowing (most) of the words to Punky Brewster’s cartoon theme:

But this is where I dropped the ball.  I saw some write-up about 80’s cartoons, and the show Turbo Teen was mentioned.  I DON’T REMEMBER TURBO TEEN.  That is until I saw this:

*hangs head in shame*

SIDENOTE: If you type Turbo Teen in Google, you get no results.

Because it sounds dirty.

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… I Didn’t Know That Song Was About Strippers!

This is a post that I might have written back in 2006 is I had a blog.  Man, I’d be worth thousands if I had a blog back then…

I haven’t heard this song in quite a long time, and I knew so little about it, I always thought it was by Chicago.  I also considered it a love song about a special “one-in-a-million” girl since I heard it originally back in 1983.

The song in question – The Tubes’ She’s a Beauty:

But just like how my reality was shattered in high school when I realized two things that took me way too long to figure out:

  1. There’s no way gum can stick to your ribs if you swallow it!
  2. When Mommy was caught kissing Santa Claus, that was Daddy dressed as Santa Claus!

I just realized this song is about strippers!  Or at least a girl in a peep show.  Two key lyrics I didn’t catch until now:

She’s right here behind the glass/
And you’re gonna like her ’cause she’s got class.

She’ll give you every penny’s worth/
But it will cost you a dollar first.


monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… The Adventures Of Buckeroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension

I finally caught this movie on Netflix and my mind is blown.  How could I have never seen any of it ever before!  Released in 1984, only a couple of months after Ghostbusters, this future cult favorite was a flop.  Apparently, the final film was a conglomeration of many false starts.  Writer Earl Mac Rauch had begun scripting so many adventures for Buckeroo Banzai, but he never finished any until he merged them into this one.  That’s why it feels like such a rich universe.  Or should I say, rich dimension…

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… They Don’t Write Theme Songs Like That Anymore

This imagined post from the past comes upon the heels of two interesting and recent developments: my re-falling in love with Kelly Preston, and that there will (possibly) be a sequel to 1988’s Twins called Triplets!  Eddie Murphy will play Danny DeVito and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s long-lost brother.  My head is spinning, and not a because of a tum-ah!  (Sorry, wrong film…)  Here’s what I might have written when I was 13: 

Good thing presidents don’t have sequels!

1988 has come and gone.  So has a great year at the movies.

Not only did the best action film ever get released (by the way, it’s Die Hard), but there was a return to animation being mixed with live action in the incredible Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Time will only tell if they’ll make any more movies that mix real actors and cartoons (doubt it), and who could possibly make another action film about one guy taking on an entire group of baddies in such a believable manner (no one)?  But what I really want to write about are this year’s “big” comedies.

There’s a reason I put big in quotes – Big is one of the fantastic comedies that came out this year.  Beetlejuice and Naked Gun were good clean-ish fun, and I wasn’t supposed to see the unclean-ish Coming to America, but I did.

For me, the stand-out was Twins and you might be inclined to think these are the reasons why:

  1. It was truly good clean fun (and funny).
  2. Kelly Preston is beautiful.
  3. Arnie and Danny have comedic chemistry.

In jest truth, it was the film’s on-the-nose soundtrack.  Aside from The Spinners’ Brother to Brother (playable down below), you had this gem by Little Richard and Phillip Bailey:

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… What A Tees

This post is an imaginary post that I might have written in the 90’s.  Hence the monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK, minus the monkeys…

T-shirts are definition in cloth form.  They’re not only brand labels, but personality labels.

When I wore Rude Dog shirts, I wanted to be seen as a Rude Dog:

I was usually more in the mood to be annoying.

When I wanted to be as bad as Bart Simpson, I’d get out my slingshot and this shirt:

Somebody ate my shorts.

When I wanted people to think I was stuck up and well-traveled (and well fed), I’d wear something from my Hard Rock Cafe collection:

(Insert city name above... and Ray-Bans)

And then there was one shirt I always considered wearing because they were punny, but never did because they were, well, you be the judge:

Additional phrase: "Something-something-something up-stares."

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… The Man Of Action For President!

I didn’t have a blog back in 2005, and YouTube was just getting started, so pretend this post took place in that very same year, about a very special brand of hero…

I’m beginning to have my faith restored in humanity, and there’s a very simple reason why:

Buddy Lee will be a write-in for U.S. President in 2008!

In case you’re unaware of his credentials, I found a new website called Yourtoob that shows videos with plenty of proof why he would make a good president.  I’m sure that he could beat Dick Cheney or Hillary Clinton any day!

He stops at nothing to save the day, even if it’s just a cat:

He was a volunteer firefighter:

He was a valued police officer:

He inspired a haircut craze that was bigger than Jennifer Aniston’s The Rachel:

He even knows how to have a good time:

monkeyFLASHmonkeyBACK… My Greatest Scam Yet

If I had a blog the TripleDoubleU existed back in 1986, I might have written this post.  I guess it could have been an entry in the journal I had to write in the fifth grade…

Growing up, my sisters and I rarely played together with the same toys.  If we did mix up our stories, my action figures paid a visit to theirs, but never vice versa.  Very few of their toys mixed well with mine:

This was a Transformer?

Star Wars Cantina, anyone?

These were big fans of the M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestlers.*

*These are M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestlers.

Okay, for these, I played the animals.

Despite this, I was able to convince my sister Becky to buy one toy I needed (I co-opted it soon after she purchased it):

Vanessa Warfield and her Manta, member of V.E.N.O.M., enemies of M.A.S.K.

Too bad they didn’t collect She-Ra: Princess of Power… I could have got one of them to buy anyone in the Evil Horde:

Hordak, Leech, and Grizzlor, of course.