mattel

InASense, Lost… I Didn’t Even Know They Were Broken Up

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sometimes ignorance is bliss (or is it always?), and this case of ignorance is a mixed bag.

On one hand, it’s good that I didn’t know this.  On the other hand, how did I not know this?  If I’m supposed to be on top of pop culture, how did Barbie and Ken’s breakup fly under my pink radar?

Well apparently, toy maker Mattel is letting the fans decide if they should get back together:

Just in time for Valentine's Day!

Since they’ve broken up in 2004, these are a few of the people the iconic doll has been documented as dating:

  • Blaine

*Not siblings

Alliteration is a popular device in poetry; it’s rarely regarded as all right in relationships.  Blaine was introduced to the Barbie line of toys almost immediately after she and Ken broke up.  Talk about moving fast.  The Australian surfer was instantly popular, and Ken wasn’t even manufactured dropped off the grid for two years.  A lot of people are crediting Barbie and Ken’s appearance in Toy Story 3 as the reason for the reignited romance… needless to say, Blaine has since fired his agent.

  • He-Man

Master of the Universe... not his domain

After a bit of a blow-up with Blaine, Barbie was caught going on a few dates with the alter-ego of Prince Adam.  The reason she cited for the short courtship:

Let’s just say every time he passed a mirror, he couldn’t help but touch his… Orko.  He was a chronic Master of His Universe.

  • Peter Venkman

 

Don't cross his stream.

 

Barbie was admittedly starstruck when she met the world-famous Ghostbuster.  They only went on one date though, because he seemed haunted by his former lover, Dana Barrett.  As all the celebrity tabloids perpetually pointed out, Dana dumped poor Peter for this guy:

 

Peter's been blue ever since...

 

  • Willrow Hood

 

Busy running from danger, with his trusty ice cream maker

 

Barbie met Willrow Hood while vacationing at Bespin City.  She really thought it could go somewhere, but nothing would ever come between him and his ice cream maker.  After this trip, she was offered her role in Toy Story 3, so the rest, as they say, happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

(SIDENOTE: BTW, they’re back together.)

Awesome Battle… How Did These Slip Under My Radar?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m an adult.  I know this.  I try to remind myself of this fact every day.  I own a house.  I drink beer legally.  I have to use my arms and my legs to stand up from sitting.

So it’s fitting that at least one of the items in this Awesome Battle contains the word adult…

There is an incredible show on Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim that no one but my friend, Chris, and I watch.

It’s entitled Delocated, and here’s a sample:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Sure, I should have set up the video, but I like to throw people in the deep end, let them get their feet wet and water in their lungs, you know.  Essentially, it’s a fake reality (?) show about a family in the witness protection program, and it’s so absurd I absolutely love it.  Season 2 premieres August 22, and I can’t believe I missed it during its initial run.

This second item… I’m not too proud about my excitement.

Apparently, some time between me leaving grade school and starting high school, these toys were out in stores:

Computer Warriors?!?  Fucking robots hiding inside soccer balls, flashlights, and Pepsi cans?!?  Mattel must have been trying to capitalize on the success of M.A.S.K. (my all-time favorite toy line) and Transformers, but just a tad too late or too early.  If these would have lasted on the market, or arrived on the scene two years later when I had my first job at a toy store, I would have had them all.

But I’m an adult.  I shouldn’t try winning some of them on eBay…

…but I will.

InASense, Lost… Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken

Posted on by sgottahurt

This product was announced last week, and although it doesn’t make me feel as weak as Fetish Tots did, it still borders “What-the-Fuck-is-Mattel-Thinking?” Ville, therefore still rendering me InASense, Lost.

The “toy” goes bi by this official name: Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken.  They might have well placed the word Super in there, too.

palm_beach_sugar_daddy_ken

The dog's name is Sugar, and Ken is his "daddy"... none of this is helping...

Mattel claims that it’s a part of their adult toy line, which I 100% believe.  And it’s not like the neutered doll was ever a hero of mine, like how G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck or Star Wars’ (duh) Luke Skywalker were (pictured below).

 

shipwreck_gi_joe

A Real American Hetero!

luke_skywalker_tank

It's not a bath in the "traditional" sense...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But this fact remains: it gives me the Malibu Dream Heebie Jeebies.  The last time I felt this weird and twisted inside because of a toy was when I learned that Dr. Claw (the unseen bad guy in Inspector Gadget) looked like this:

dr_claw

Come to think of it, he had MAD Cat as a pet, so he was MAD Car's "daddy". And his hair looks fabulous... Perhaps Ken could give him a ring sometime? Perhaps.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Product Placement

Posted on by sgottahurt

Richard Chamberlain

Not pictured: Richard Chamberlain... Pictured: floating child head

In a high rise, um, high above Gotham, Bruce Wayne and I were speaking with a third party about investing in the future.

“Stride bubblegum,” Bruce began.  “It’s the taste of the future.”

“And the future is now,” I added.

Bubblegum was growing in petri dishes, and our guest wasn’t sold.  As it turned out, he didn’t have the funds to cover such an investment.  That’s when I pulled out a Capital One credit card.

“It’s the credit card of the future,” Bruce uttered without further prompting.

I merely nodded this time.  As our potential business partner contemplated his next move, an alram sounded through the city (I guess the bat signal wasn’t enough.)  Bruce excused himself.

Soon, there was a giant Shogun Warrior (by Mattel) roaming Gotham’s streets.  I wondered, “How will Batman defeat this monstrosity?”

With a Bat Gundam of course.  (This could happen.  Check here.)

BONUS: Halloween advice from a dream over the weekend – if you want to make a bowl of M&M’s last longer, try cutting them all in half.

INGREDIENTS: Ten hours of surfing the 3x2xU since I was out of town all weekend, coupled with a GladWare storage container full of five-day old Kraft spaghetti.