I really wanted to write about how Prudential’s new billboards look like Taco Bell’s less crazy ones, but I couldn’t find any good pictures (nor did I feel like getting into an accident on the freeway) to make a point-counterpoint.
Prudential's Billboards' Sayings
Taco Bell's Crazier Style Billboard
Taco Bell's Tamer Billboard With Wrong Color Scheme
Every time I see the yellow-on-purple wisecrack statement, I think it’s an ad for my primary nutritional source. But again, I don’t have any evidence. You’ll have to trust me.
Instead, I’ll deal with the remake of Footloose… or at least their previews.
I’ve never seen either film, so my experience with each is limited. But based on what is revealed in each preview, the remake is a REMAKE! to the fullest extent. Aside from dead kids causing a dancing ban, and an amping-up of elements (choreography, exploding buses, faster suicide train runs, and a much prettier lead actress), the new Footloose looks exactly the same.
New
Old
If you want an example of how to make better remake, check this out:
This originated as a Drunken Recollection, but it was so long ago (or I was so hammered), I don’t recall the events that lead to the discussion. But the more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve wanted to map out where other period pieces fell.
So here’s what you get, you lucky bastards:
When The Lord of the Rings took place, according to some nerd:
While it’s fiction, Tolkien did leave a telling clue as to his “historic timetable”. Numenor, also called Atlantis, was destroyed about 3000 years before the events of Lord of the Rings. The reference we have in actual historical records about Atlantis date that city at 10,000 BCE. So, the events of the trilogy would have taken place around 7000 BCE, with the fading of magic and the start of the fourth age around that time. (Keep in mind that the Atlantis story itself comes from a single reference in what amounted to a text about political systems).
BTW, BCE is the new PC term for BC (CE is the new AD, I guess). And since we’re just over 2000 years beyond the nerds estimate, I’m sticking with about 10,000 years ago.
Now as for Star Wars, there is some divide, mostly because people are idiots, and they can’t grasp the concept a long time ago and futuristic technology.
It’s not specified in Earth years, just that it happened “A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.” Most of the dates in Star Wars are relative to pivotal battles. The Battle of Yavin is typically used as the starting point. So everything is either BBY (Before Battle of Yavin) or ABY (After Battle of Yavin).
There are two possibilities. The Star Wars universe might be located in a parallel universe and might be taking place in our time.Or if they are in war in our Milky Way Galaxy, the date is most likely the year 3,000. If current technological advances keep up in the rapid pace they are in we will one day live in a Star Wars-like universe, I guarantee it.
That’s a guarantee to put money on. What a fucking dipshit. He contradicted himself in his own answer. In all actuality, I liked this answer the best:
1943
So that got me thinking… what if the Star Wars films really took place in our universe. Perhaps during the Clone Wars, some Jedi or Sith Lords happened upon or planet, and taught the ancient Egyptians how to build the pyramids? That would place them at about 5000 years ago.
NOTE: Everything that follows is my opinion… and it’s all fact.
Fantasy movies are geared toward the audience that longs to be whisked away, and that’s namely the pre-teens of this world. The reason why they are so susceptible: there’s still imagination (child-like wonder) remaining in their brains. Any adult that is too into fantasy films obviously has a mental/social disorder (hello PotHeads and Twihards)…
I’m not meaning to be mean. I’m merely meaning to get to the bottom of why fantasy films don’t do it for me anymore.
Growing up, I loved Clash of the Titans, TheBeastmaster, The Dark Crystal, Gremlins, Tron, The Princess Bride, and some movies had to deal with a Star War or a few. There were others that I couldn’t quite get into like Legend and Labyrinth, but I always felt they were more for the young ladies (for the record, The Princess Bride was being read to Kevin Arnold Fred Savage).
Outside of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen (it’s insanely absurd and clever), when I was turning thirteen, Willow wasn’t even cutting it anymore. If I was going to like a dopey fantasy movie, it had something else going for it, such as my crush on Winona Ryder in Edward Scissorhands or me still being a fan of Steven Spielberg when he made Hook.
Let’s use The Neverending Story trilogy (yes there were three – and a TV show) to reiterate:
The Good, The Bad, & The Ugly
The first film released in 1984: AWE-SOME (hyphen added for pause worthy emphasis).
The second film released in 1990: (Avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis, avoid making tasteless joke about Jonathan Brandis…)
The third film released in 1994: Really?! Highlights from an IMDB review:
I cannot begin to describe how awful this movie is… NES3, for lack of a better term, sucks. The storyline was as unimaginative and vapid as you could hope for… After the fart jokes and potty humor commenced, I just couldn’t take it any longer. My advice is don’t wast your time and ruin your childhood memories with this piece of refuse.
Now I don’t count superhero movies or animated films because they’ve almost attained the status of having their own genre. Outside of The Lord of the Rings trilogy, what do you have left to defend? The Mummy films? Van Helsing? (Not fair – those are mostly Stephen Sommers‘ pieces of crap.) Okay, then. MirrorMask? Eragon? Beowulf? Lady in the Water?! Stardust and Coraline were even kind of meh.
(SIDENOTE: I will give props to The Last Mimzy, The Bridge to Terebithia, and Big Fish for tugging my heart strings, 300 for being new, and the first Pirates of the Caribbean for the laughs. Am I missing any others?)
Ultimately, have fantasy films declined from being the shit to just shitty, or am I just getting old? I guess the proof will be in the pudding (sorry for the oldtimer-y expression) when the following films get remade or updated:
(FINAL SIDENOTE: I really, really, really, seriously hope that M. Night Shyamalan doesn’t fuck up The Last Airbender. I looooove that cartoon. That ended it’s run. On Nickelodeon. Just last year. Stop looking at me that way! I don’t have that serious of a mental/social disorder! Use this blog as proof!)
As I arrived at the office today, I realized something. Well, just now I realized I’m either borderline British or pretentious because I was thisclose to typing realised, both times. But the main thing I realised is that I have a real aversion to these bad boys:
Knock-knock… Who’s there?… Germs… Germs ach-who!
There’s two ways to get to my office, and I choose the way that has three doors to open vs. two. You would think I’d choose the lesser of two infectious evils, but the path to more doors (must resist “Lord of the Rings” reference here… too late) consists of these precious humdingers:
I can open you with one finger… resisting other off-colour remarks… another Brit/pretentious retort!
If you think about how many disgusting hands that have touched these things… it gives me the gee-willikers (now I’m prohibition era comic strip talking). I’d still rather use one finger to open the second doorknob, than use my entire hand on the first.
Now you know, and knowing is half the fracas (so pretentious it is.)
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