JusWondering… Why Would Anyone Use CGI To Be Creepy?

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

That bad feeling is a mix of is this gonna scare me and is this gonna be a waste of time.

This is the remake of Evil Dead.  Judging by this moment in the previews (stuck in a fifteen minute loop), I’m tipping toward the first part of my bad feeling:

But why is that so scary?  I’d like to think it’s due to mostly practical effects as opposed to CGI.  Case in point – two flicks I’ve recently caught on cable that freaked me a little bit out.  Well, one did more than the other, and I’ll let you guess which was which.  But they were both made in the 80’s, so that explains a lot.

Here’s Coma Baby from Bright Lights, Big City:

Here’s Alfred E. Neuman from Up the Academy (also on loop):

You’re welcome.

JusWondering… Is This Movie Really Gonna Scare The S#!t Out Of Me?!

I’ve mentioned it before (here and here), and I’ll mention it again – I have a very short list of serious fears.  Irrational?  That list would go on forever.

  1. Ghosts
  2. Candiru (look ’em up)
  3. Commitment
  4. Aliens

I’m really beginning to rethink that order because there’s a certain type of aliens that might be the worst.  But I’ll get to that in a second.  Here’s the preview for what I might find the scariest movie ever made!  Oh yeah… it’s called Dark Skies:

I can’t find the newest preview (nor do I really want to try that hard), but in that one, it seems that this film is about BEK’s.  That’s short for Black Eyed Kids.  Oh, I wish I could make a joke about the Black Eyed Peas right now, believe me.

You can click here for a Google image search of them for your own, but an image search alone won’t do it justice.  Howzabout a couple of stories from the ol’ TripleDoubleU to unsettle you in…

These strange Black Eyed Children, who can appear or vanish at a moment’s notice, seem to be between the ages of 8 and 16. Their skin is pale or pasty colored, described by some as looking plastic or artificial, and their mannerisms are odd. Witnesses describe their clothing as odd and drab – blue jeans and a hoodie or very old-fashioned, handmade clothing. Bizarre electrical phenomena occurs when they are around, such as a garage door inexplicably opening.

  • When a man in Dallas arrived home, he saw a boy at his door who repeated “I think it’s food time. You should invite me inside.” The man’s protective pit bull came running toward the front door, but as it got closer to the boy, it whimpered and ran away, hiding under the bed for days afterward.
  • A man named Paul was home alone when someone knocked on this door. He opened it and saw two kids about 10 years old standing on his steps with their heads down. They said, “Hey, we just thought we’d stop in for a bit.” The kids insisted they be let into the house. Thinking they had the wrong house, Paul stepped forward to get a better look and made eye contact. Their eyes were solid black, including the sclera.

Jason Offutt, another researcher into the Black Eyed Children phenomenon, gives this account:

  • Around 10:45 on a warm night, as 18-year-old Carris Holdsworth approached her apartment in Lisburn, Northern Ireland, she saw two teenagers in hoodies and jeans standing in her yard with their backs to her. As she attempted to slip away unseen, she fumbled in her purse for pepper spray. At that very moment, the boys turned to face her and, as if reading her mind, one said, “No need for that, we just want to borrow your phone, miss.” When she caught a glimpse of their pitch black eyes, not a trace of white or a pupil, she panicked and raced to her apartment, locking the door behind her. The boys following close behind, knocked on her door. She ignored it. After a second knock, fearing for her safety she phoned a friend to come over. When the friend arrived, the boys ran away.


There are plenty more stories out there.  I simply can’t bear anymore.

JusWondering… Who Knew That Flight Of The Conchords Could Be Improved Upon?

If you’re unfamiliar with the almost award-winning fourth-most-popular folk duo in New Zealand, Flight of the Conchords, then shame on you.  Or should I say lucky you because then here’s your first taste:

Here are the lyrics if you want to print them and sing (?) along:

So, you’re leaving, aren’t you?
I knew it when you said just then when you told me you were leaving
That’s when I definitely knew
But if you’re trying to break my heart
Your plan is flawed from the start
You can’t break my heart, it’s liquid
It melted when I met you
And as you turn around to leave
Don’t’ turn back to me
Don’t turn around and see if I’m crying
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
It’s just been raining on my face
And if you think you see some tear tracks down my face
Please don’t tell my mates
I’m not crying
No, I’m not crying
And if I am crying
It’s not because of you
It’s because I’m thinking of a friend of mine who you don’t know who is dying
That’s right, dying
These aren’t tears of sadness because you’re leaving me
I’ve just been cutting onions
I’m making a lasagna
For one
Oh, I’m not crying
There’s just a little bit of dust in my eye
That’s from the path that you made when you said your goodbye
I’m not weeping because you won’t be here to hold my hand
For your information there’s an inflammation in my tear gland
I’m not upset because you left me this way
My eyes are just a little sweaty today
They’ve been searching around
They’re like searching for you
They’ve been looking around
Even though I told them not to
These aren’t tears of sadness
They’re tears of joy
I’m just laughing
Ha ha ha-ha ha
Sitting at this table called love
Staring down at the irony of life
How come we’ve reached this fork in the road
And yet it cuts like a knife?
I’m not crying
I’m not crying
I’m not cry-y-y-y-

And here’s the original for comparison, I guess.  Even though there’s no comparing…

JusWondering… Which Is Worse – The Twilight Saga Or Twilight Fans?

I can’t take it anymore.  I’m beyond words.  I may really have to begin holding this against people.

If you like the Twilight films, I think there is something wrong with you.

Of course, the latest film The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is in theaters now, so the actors are making their rounds on the late night circuit.

These are two of the clips they show to sell it:

Dumb doesn’t even begin to explain the people who paid to see this – the fifth film – at the show.

As an exclamation point, here’s Robert Pattinson swinging Kristen Stewart like a purse at the bad guys:

I'm on Team Mayan. Come on end of the world!

I’m on Team Mayan. Come on end of the world!

JusWondering… How Does This Even Qualify As A Cartoon?

Is this just a pog for the digital age? Really, I’m seriously asking…

I watch more cartoons than I should.  In fact, depending on the time of the year, my DVR may be 33% full of animated hijinks.

But this show… this show makes me feel like a parent (which I’m not).  Of all the swill shilling shit programming out there, this one… this one… you just need to see:

If the opening of BeyWheelz: Powered by BeyBlade is too unbearable to sit through, allow me to present a sample battle scene from this show:

Yes.  You saw exactly what you saw.  Two wheels riding into each other.  Not animals popping out of balls or cards.  Wheels.  Or pardon me, Wheelz.

These Wheelz.  Or pardon me, BeyWheelz.

I wonder if each set is based on a different episode.

Hasbro has gotten sloppy, power-hungry, or durrr since the success of the brain-dead-on-arrival Transformer films.  Even the cinematic floater called Battleship made them money in the worldwide market.  Perhaps their just setting their sights on dumb-proofing children so that one day a live-action BeyWheelz will be another future summer blockbuster.

Wait a second… BeyWheelz… Michael Bay… it might already be too late… 

JusWondering… What Is Desperately Wanting About?

I’m not exactly sure what recently got me looking into this, but I must admit that I am dumbfounded.

And by dumbfounded, I mean I found dumb.  Amazingly dumb.  And let it be known that I’ve seen a lot of dumb, and this takes the dumbcake.

Remember Desperately Wanting by Better Than Ezra?  If not, here’s the (horrible for 1996, or any time for that matter) video:

My initial thoughts on the song was that it was about a girl he loved in his youth that had a rough life.  Don’t know why (I don’t feel like thinking for myself today).  Just my assumption.

Apparently, I wasn’t alone in this idea (via SongMeanings):

This song is about two friends who grew up together from a very young age. One becomes successful, the other had jokes for parents, goes through difficult times and becomes jaded. The more successful one (the one singing the song) is now desperately trying to get his friend to come to his/her senses and become the person she really is on the inside. He reminds him/her (in my mind its a her) what it was like when they were younger and had some fight left in them, because they were desperately searching for something. He asks her to face up to the people and the situations that broke her down, by kicking them in the face, and basically rejecting their right to do that to her. Show them they never really knew the real her, like her best friend did. The hope being that they both can return to the desperate search for the unknown, that they had both begun so many years ago.  (via)


This song is haunting to me. It so beautifully describes the feelings of adolescent love with the chorus. I believe it is about a girl he loved who either suffered from mental illness, a drug problem or some kind of trauma.
The part about the house and the constant hostile references to “they,” presumably her family, seems to hint at some abuse. Later parts imply that her family is denying anything bad happened (as they might if they’d abused her.) She clearly overdosed and got her stomach pumped. Maybe a drug OD or a suicide attempt. It seems like she is now in treatment, either rehab or a psychiatric hospital. It sounds like she has been put on meds.
He claims “they” are saying “You were never quite right/Deserving all the chills” Tremors are a very common side effect of neuroleptics, maybe that’s what the chills is referring to? Either way, “they” say she was or is sick (“not quite right”)and maybe they say she’s making up past abuse. If she were just getting treatment for an addiction, I feel like he would not be so hostile toward “them,” but if they are denying things she told him happened, that would explain the anger.
I think he knows that “they” are telling her the worst is over, but he feels like it isn’t. “They” are just “kicking it over” and running, not facing the underlying issues.
It sounds almost silly, but maybe he feels like they are in a brainwashing, or reprogramming her. Hence, the “turn you on again” part.
I think the “kick them right in the face” part is both him telling her to escape their control, but maybe also to talk about what happened to her. It could allow her to “win the war” against “them” by exposing the truth.
Another reason it sounds like her parents are “they,” and maybe her abusers, is the “baby burst in the world” part. As in, with them as parents she was “never given a chance.” Now they are denying everything and asking “what went wrong.”
The letters part is clear enough, he is writing to her while she is in treatment. At first she was replying but now he isn’t getting responses, even though “they” claim she’s receiving his letters.
It seems like he’s not sure whether they have “brainwashed” her, and he wants her to come back to him, and he’ll protect her. That is, if she “cares to anymore.” (via)

Here comes the dumbcake:

Actually, this song is about something else entirely, something a little darker. Kevin Griffen was a Kappa Sigma at Louisiana State University (I’ve seen his composite pic at the house. Weeiiird…) and this song is about Kappa Sigma (or any fraternity, really, but specific to the LSU Kappa Sigs) pledgeship. I don’t want to spend an hour disecting the song line-by-line, but it all adds up in the end if you know certain aspects of Kappa Sig (especially Southern KS) pledgeship. For instance: “Pass the house, that you never call home” (pledges, seen as practically sub-human were (are) constantly reminded that the frat house is the ACTIVE’s house and NOT the pledges). The chorus (“I remember running through the wet grass…”) comes from a tradition of pledges, on their bid day, running from a certain central place to their respective houses. They wanted to join the fraternity so badly that they never tired, we’re always “desperately wanting.” You can read the rest of the lyrics with the ample stereotypes of hellish fraternity pledging (“filled you full of those pills”, “kick’em right in the face”, “make’em wish they weren’t born,” etc) and it pretty much spells itself out. The part about “the letters have dropped off” is a reference to another LSU tradition that I don’t fully understand (tho I have heard brothers from the chapter mention it), but the “letters” are clearly the Greek ones. Asking what went wrong when u never had it right.. is a reference to the fact that pledges are never right and, most fittingly, “finally figured ouy some things you’ll never know” refers to initiation and finally learning the Ritual, which, of course, no one outside of the fraternity will ever know. Much of the rest of the lyrics are symbolic references (“the door”, etc) to other pledging things. Damn, looks like i did take and hour. Oh well. OF COURSE you must recognize that I am slightly biased (as are all Kappa Sigs) in this reading of the song, but it has been reported that Kevin himself has admitted that the song is about just this. However, as Dennis Miller says: “That’s just my opinion. I could be wrong.” Thanks for listening. (via)

What?  That is some of the biggest grasping at straws I have ever heard!

That’s like saying Foster the People’s Pumped Up Kicks is about playing basketball (it’s about this) or Fun’s We Are Young being about the Fountain of Youth (as opposed to possible domestic abuse).

Even lead singer Kevin Griffin denied it:

Jim Payne (touring keyboardist/guitarist) and I were in the Kappa Sigma fraternity at LSU,” said Griffin. “For some reason it got out that ‘Desperately Wanting’ was about being a pledge, but the reality is it had nothing to do with that. But all around the country, whenever we play it, guys in their [Kappa Sigma] shirts love it.”

In reality, a song can mean anything to anyone.  Is it about fight or flight?  Nature versus nurture?  Analog against digital?  Perhaps it’s an unhealthy combination of both above interpretations.  The group formed while they were all attending LSU in 1988; in 1990, Joel Rundell, their lead guitarist, committed suicide.  Perhaps the idea of pledging and losing a close friend converged into this piece, and we’re all left picking up the pieces.

Wow.  That’s a lot of words.
Sorry about that… won’t happen again.
And that kind of ended on a downer.

Hey!  At least we can all agree the title of the album, Friction, Baby, is about an infant made of sandpaper, right?

JusWondering… How Did This Make It To TV?

TBS might not be the benchmark of great television, and even though its slogan is “Very Funny,” that doesn’t mean it’s true.  Case in point – how did this show make it to TV?

The point of a preview is to show funny things if it’s a comedy, right?  Then why do promos for Men at Work show anything but?

Unfortunately, I was unable to find any more extensive previews, so allow me to transcribe some of the “jokes”…

In one exchange, a douche from this show is mad at the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas for banging his cleaning lady.  They go back and forth repeating the word bang a lot.  Which prompts the punchline: “I don’t believe how many times you guys said the word bang.”

In another scene, the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show asks a woman on a date.  The three other jackasses dance using lewd sex moves in the background.  Her response: “They know I can see them right?”  His punchline: “Yeah, they don’t care.”

And for my last bit of torture, the guy from NBC’s Las Vegas tells the guy from Fox’s That 70’s Show to not dwell on his break-up forever.  Setup: “It’s been like an hour.”  Punch-in-the-throat-line: “Yet we’re still talking about it.”

I can’t recall any others, and I don’t care to.

You want comedy?  I don’t know if it will satiate you, but it’s light years better than Men at Work:

JusWondering… Maybe Lens Flares Aren’t A J.J. Abrams Thing?

J.J. Abrams, scriber of Regarding Henry and creative genius behind television’s Facetious Felicity, found himself in the precarious position of relaunching the Star Trek film franchise.

In the process of doing so, he got a little carried away with lens flares.  That’s when light spreads from its source… here’s a collection of shots from the film:

The future’s so bright, I gotta wear BluBlockers.

So yeah, I thought it was a J.J. Abrams thing, but it might be Actor! Chris Pine’s thing:

Here he is in Star Trek

…and here he is on the DVD cover for This Means War.

Any questions?

JusWondering… What Other President Should Get Rebooted?

This post is a sort of double-whammy JusWondering.  The first part is a legitimate whimsical question; the follow-up is philosophical.  Hopefully both are fun.

The first real question that smolders in my, um, title line is

What other president should get rebooted?

Hollywood loves its reboots, re-imaginings, and remakes, and these upcoming films are proof.

You’ve probably heard about this first one by now – Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter.  Here’s the preview:

But did you also know that FDR: American Badass! exists (or at least will very soon)?

If Hollywood followed these templates, I’d say George Washington or JFK are ripe for action-packed movies:

I’d venture to guess in another twenty years, Ronald Reagan will get rebooted, too.

Now onto my second JusWondering… does anyone else feel slightly offended by Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter and FDR: American Badass!?  Because weirdly, I do.  And what’s stranger, I was born and raised Roman Catholic and these doesn’t bother me one bit: