InASense, Lost… Buffy, The Jedi Master?

This. Almost. Happened:

 

"There is no try, only do me."

 

Good old George Lucas originally wanted to name Yoda… well, I let io9 fill you in (from their list of “10 Things You Didn’t Know About The Empire Strikes Back):

Yoda was originally named Buffy. No, really. In George Lucas’ earliest outlines for the sequel, Luke meets a supernatural entity named Buffy, or Bunden Debannen. Here’s how Lucas described it:

Buffy very old — three or four thousand years. Kiber crystal in sword? Buffy shows Luke? Buffy the guardian. ‘Feel not think.'”

And Lucas concludes by saying Luke will become the chosen one, “the human Buffy.” In later drafts, he thought of Yoda as a kind of small frog, and Yoda had a full name: Minch Yoda. In the earliest script draft, Minch has the immortal line: “Skywalker. Skywalker. And why do you come to walk my sky, with the sword of a Jedi knight? … I remember another Skywalker.”

Yikes.  The guy that three years later would bring you this, could have preemptively brought you the above image.

I know, I know.  It wouldn’t have worked out like that, but a guy can daydream and pretend he’s a Jedi, right?

(SIDENOTE: While Photoshopping Sarah Michelle Gellar into Dagobah, I couldn’t help but realize I should Photoshop girls more often.  They’re more fun than Mike Rowe .)

InASense, Lost.. The Flintstones Made A Dick Joke?!

This clip comes from Asylum’s list of the Dirtiest Sexual Innuendos in Children’s Cartoons, but I have to put it here because it sort of shocked me.

I know the show originally aired in prime time, but I don’t even think The Simpsons would try what The Flintstones pulled here

– and no, that’s not an innuendo.

InASense, Lost… Wham! Bam! No Thank You, Disney BLAM!

I did not know Disney BLAM! existed, nor should I have, as I don’t watch the Disney Channel (that much).  So upon finding these videos, I did not initially realize one of them was a parody, and it just about destroyed me.

Thank Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen body (or maybe it’s just his head, à la Ted Williams) one’s a fake.  Can you figure out which one before your brain freezes in abject refusal to continue on?

(answer after jump) Read More

InASense, Lost… The Force Is No Longer Strong Within Me

Like many (all?) guys my age, I grew up on Star Wars.

And like many (some?) guys (nerds?) my age, I was way too into it for far too long.

I collected the toys when I was a child, and when they returned to the scene in 1995, I was spellbound.  I gobbled up every figure, ship, and accessory I could get my hands on.  I even waited in line at midnight to get the first wave of toys from The Phantom Menace.

That was a mistake.  And the collecting didn’t last much longer.  In fact, I recently sold my collection for $400.  It originally cost me around $3000.

But like all bad habits, one remnant remains.  I still like to look at the new lines.  It’s been fun to see what figures finally got made, and how some (many) get re-made.  Unfortunately, with The Clone Wars animated movie and TV show, I’m realizing how out of the loop I am when I’m not recognizing them anymore.

Some of the later figures I’m aware of, such as Ahsoka Tano, Asajj Ventress, and Jacen and Jaina Solo.

And some of the faces I recognize if not the names.

The following are the ones I don’t (even though a few were in the original six films):

  • Cad Bane – from The Clone Wars show

Cad Bane is hired by Darth Sidious to break into the Jedi Temple and steal a holocron containing the secret names of future Jedi. The resourceful and cunning bounty hunter carefully puts his plan in place using schematics of the temple, a techno-service droid and an unscrupulous shapeshifter.

  • Leesub Sirln – from Episode IV: A New Hope

Leesub Sirln is a Qiraash and one of the patrons in the Mos Eisley cantina on Tatooine. She is hiding from Imperial authorities that suspect her of having precognitive powers and have declared her a Force adept.

  • Rum Sleg – from Episode I: The Phantom Menace

The Boonta Eve Classic Podrace draws a huge crowd of spectators including bounty hunter Rum Sleg. Held just outside Mos Espa, the race is a high-speed, death-defying competition, which doesn’t stop young Anakin Skywalker from competing.

  • Admiral Yularen – from The Clone Wars show

The Republic admiral oversees a large fleet during the Clone Wars, coordinating battle campaigns from the bridge of his flagship, the Resolute. He contacts battle leaders, such as Jedi General Obi-Wan Kenobi, to keep track of ongoing situations.

  • Hondo Ohnaka – from The Clone Wars show

Hondo Ohnaka is the leader of a band of Weequay pirates and is always accompanied by Pilf Mukmuk, his Kowakian monkey lizard. The pirate chief captures Count Dooku and plans to demand a large ransom for the return of the powerful Separatist leader.

  • Willrow Hood – from Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

Willrow Hood works for the gas mining company on Cloud City. When the Empire seizes control of the city, Hood destroys a computer memory core to prevent the Empire from discovering information about secret transactions with the Rebels.

(SIDENOTE: Oh!  He’s also known as the Ice Cream Maker Guy.)

What is he carrying? An ice cream maker!

  • Gelagrub Patrol – from Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Clone troopers ride gelagrubs to patrol the fungal forests of Felucia. Also known as Felucian ground beetles, gelagrubs are easily domesticated in their larval form to be used as mounts. Republic forces invade Felucia to free it from the control of the Separatists and capture the Commerce Guild’s headquarters located on the planet.

  • Jeremoch Colton – from Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

Jeremoch Colton is the pilot of Senator Bail Organa’s ship, the Tantive IV. As Colton is flying the vessel into Coruscant, he receives a message from Chancellor Palpatine’s office, which he plays for Organa and his passengers Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi.

  • And I have no idea who this chick in a Stormtrooper chest plate is supposed to be…

Needless to say, the last good Star Wars thing I saw was Genndy Tartakovsky’s take on the Clone Wars cartoon.  I’ve only seen Episode III once, hence the fuzzy memories.  And after all this, what is my lesson learned?

I need to start watching The Clone Wars on the Cartoon Network!

InASense, Lost… If At First You Did Exist, Try, Triceratops

(From "Art of My Mind" - click image for link)

I don’t get this discovery.

Apparently, Scientists! (my sarcastic pronouncement in honor of Actors!) have determined that this…

Of course it's the Triceratops.

…didn’t exist.  “They” (wait – we know it’s the Scientists!) say that Triceratops are really just the baby version of this:

This is the... Torosaursus?

Nobody knows what a Torosaurus is!  Why not say that the Torosaurus didn’t exist, and it’s the grown up version of a Triceratops!?

(SIDENOTE: I know I’m not supposed to capitalize the terrible-lizards-that-may-be-terrible-birds’ names, but they have a special place in my heart… a place that’s apparently German and capitalizes nouns.)

This is tantamount to Twix calling their original candy bars Caramel, and their peanut butter versions Twix!

Or the drawing at the post’s start.

InASense, Lost… Rated PG Bosoms

I know that there are probably way more, but these were the only films that the perverts I work with* could think of that were rated PG and contained exposed, um… why beat around the bush – boobies.  They were favorites of a childhood past (not just the breasts, of course, but also the movies… because of the tatas).

Arguably, most of the following films are children films.  Can you imagine if they tried pulling this off in kiddie flicks today?

Also, I thought this video was an ample match:

Because I’m such a nice blogger, each movie title is a link to none other than Mr. Skin’s thorough website:

Sheena: Queen of the Jungle

The Beastmaster

Sixteen Candles

Irreconcilable Differences

Clash of the Titans

Swamp Thing

Racing with the Moon

Airplane!

Logan’s Run

The Omega Man

*All right, I’ll admit it… I remembered all of them except for three.

InASense, Lost… Drawing Ain’t Child’s Play

If Mrs. Voorhees* had the wherewithal to give her reborn son, Jason, a box of crayons than a barn full of tools, the art he would have produced might have looked something like these:

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very) Artistic Representation

(Very Scary) Artistic Representation

In all actuality, this is work of Dave Devries, creator of The Monster Engine.  If you can’t figure out what he does by looking at the above images (because they’re too frightening), he takes the doodles of children and enhances them.

Click on the above page link to check more out.  Oh.  He has a book, too.

* I originally started the post with a reference to Chucky since the headline mentioned Child’s Play, but Friday the 13th was a more logical choice.  For a pointless article.  From a dumb blog.

BONUS!  This one’s just plain cool…

Does anyone else hear this one screaming, "Movie!" (As opposed to regular screaming...)

BONUS BONUS!  Check out my (Not So) Artistic Representations here.

BONUS BONUS BONUS! A hilarious TripleDoubleU classic is here.

InASense, Lost… The Toy That Got Away

This post is inspired by two items:

  1. This Geek Dad article from Wired about classic toys and their modern equivalents (fear not – it’s geeky)
  2. This scene from Hot Tub Time Machine

Waxing nostalgic is always a risky endeavor, but sometimes, it’s worth the heartache.  Case in point – here’s the one that got away, my great white buffalo… my childhood dream of becoming a director, molded in flimsy plastic and recorded on audio cassettes’ magnetic tape…

Fisher Price’s PXL 2000

It’s quite honestly the only Christmas wish list item that I can recall the pining over, like a forgotten summer crush.

There’s one CD cover I can think of that captures that similar sense of adolescent longing, now long lost.

Like a Polaroid from my mind...

Otherwise there’s this video of Whitney, filmed in Pixelvision, courtesy of the PXL 2000:

Man, I feel bummed out… save me President Taft (for no particular reason)!

InASense, Lost… Superpowers We Lost – And The Ones We Gain

Diaper Man is one of the scariest thinks to look for on Google Image Search.

Let me begin by saying this: Cracked Magazine might have always been #2 to Mad Magazine when I was still watching Mighty Heroes and Deputy Dawg on Channel 20, but these days, Cracked.com has some of the best comedy lists around.

Having said that, a recent list they presented covered 5 Superpowers We All Had as Babies (According to Science), and it at first made me sad.  Look at what we (InASense) lost:

  1. Mega Mind
  2. Mutant Metabolism
  3. Hyper Hearing
  4. Extreme Eyesight
  5. Tiny Telepathy

If babies didn’t creep you out already, next time you see one, remind yourself that the little bald-headed mini-human is not too different from an infantile Professor X (kinda mixed with X-Force’s Warpath).

Then I got to thinking… what powers do we get when we get older?  Let’s begin the countdown.

5. Enhanced Mobility

Never frowned upon.

We all aspire to be lazy.  And I’m not calling old people who use mobile assistance lazy.  I’m merely stating that no one gives old people dirty looks for being lazy if they’re riding in a Little Rascal.  Because they’re old.

4. Living in the Past

Back in his day, laptops were where kids bent over to get the belt.

Change is a-comin’, and there ain’t no rest for the wicked.  Of course, I’m mixing my Metamucils, but my point is this: the future sucks.  Now kind of sucks.  The best way to escape all of that – remember the good ol’ days.  And talk about them constantly.

3. Mind Control

"Oh if I could only have some crumpets to go with my tea. Oh, you can get me some crumpets too? Bless you."

Sure, it might be out of guilt.  It might even be out pity.  But the elderly have a way of getting young people to do their bidding.  And the young person might even get a few dollars for their trouble, but the young person will probably give it back.  Mind control!

2. You Get to Say Whatever You Want

Game. Set. Match.

Loose lips used to sink ships.  Now loose lips are expected.  Be inappropriate.  Flirt.  Be rude.  Be sexist.  Hell, be racist.  You’re old.  All is forgiven.

1. Unlimited Drug Access

"Grams" could have more than one meaning.

Everybody thought it was funny when Grandma said she wanted to get a license for medicinal marijuana.  Now everybody’s jealous.