InASense, Lost… Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken

This product was announced last week, and although it doesn’t make me feel as weak as Fetish Tots did, it still borders “What-the-Fuck-is-Mattel-Thinking?” Ville, therefore still rendering me InASense, Lost.

The “toy” goes bi by this official name: Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken.  They might have well placed the word Super in there, too.

palm_beach_sugar_daddy_ken

The dog's name is Sugar, and Ken is his "daddy"... none of this is helping...

Mattel claims that it’s a part of their adult toy line, which I 100% believe.  And it’s not like the neutered doll was ever a hero of mine, like how G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck or Star Wars’ (duh) Luke Skywalker were (pictured below).

 

shipwreck_gi_joe

A Real American Hetero!

luke_skywalker_tank

It's not a bath in the "traditional" sense...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But this fact remains: it gives me the Malibu Dream Heebie Jeebies.  The last time I felt this weird and twisted inside because of a toy was when I learned that Dr. Claw (the unseen bad guy in Inspector Gadget) looked like this:

dr_claw

Come to think of it, he had MAD Cat as a pet, so he was MAD Car's "daddy". And his hair looks fabulous... Perhaps Ken could give him a ring sometime? Perhaps.

Drunken Recollection… What I Can Remember About Camping This Summer

gijoesquirrel

Don't worry. This happened during squirrel season.

With summer finally over, it’s time for me to drunken recollect some of my camping highlights.  Outside of drinking, eating, being in the water, being on the pontoon, drinking, eating, sitting by the campfire, beach volleyball, drinking, eating, and peeing in the water, this is all I can remember:

1) A squirrel fell out of a tree.
It happened in front of a few of my family members as they were walking.  When they reached to check on the immobile rodent, it sprung back to consciousness and took off.

2) Some cyclist had this shirt on, as well as a bushy beard:

A Whopper of a beard, in fact...

A Whopper of a beard, in fact...

3) There was a plan to tie me to a chair if I passed out drunk.
It didn’t happen on the earlier summer trip, but it did happen.  At least the dumping me in the lake didn’t.

4) I pulled a boat via a rope in my teeth.
There is a picture out there I do not possess.  I do remember my jawline aching, though.

5) There was a strange song playing on the iPod we took out to the sandbar.
Turned out it was from the film, Music and Lyrics.  Here it is for your, um, pleasure?

6) In closing…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

JusWondering… Will These Movies Ever See The Light Of Day?

It was just announced last week the Masters of the Universe movie was cancelled, and although the version in the works sounded craptastic, it pains me a bit to know that a live action version is further away.  But given the track record with cartoons about toys being given their due on the silver screen, I think a lot of those dues haven’t been paid, nor will they.  Sure, in ten years Transformers or G.I. Joe may or may not get rebooted, but will I care?  (Odds are yes.  Because technically, this MOTU a reboot, and I do care.)

I apologize for the fact that I posted this video almost a year ago, but it’s too awesome and helpful in imagining what a He-Man movie could be like:

And how bad ass would this Thundercats movie be:

Plus, with the fate of the third Batman film from director Christopher Nolan up in the air, does this whet your appetite?

Batman 3

I'm not drooling, am I?

Finally, and this is definitely off-topic but in line with the post’s title, has anyone ever seen this movie?

The secret of his suck-cess

The secret of his suck-cess

Drunken Recollection… Sports Cars, Semis, And Use Of The Word “Better”

It was the best of Miller Lites; it was the worst of Miller Lites.  In other words, drinking with friends has its good days; drinking with friends has its bad days.  Here are the examples…

BEST

My good ol’ buddy Jay and I were discussing the state of the world one day, when he begin trying out some new philosophy he was developing.  I don’t quite remember the details as he worked through them, but my translation of what he was trying to say was this:

Women are sports cars and men are semi rigs.  Men prefer their women to be a two-seater, i.e. they’ve only been with one guy – that guy.  Men, as trucks, are also two-seaters, but if they have an extensive history in their trailer, it shouldn’t be a surprise to their lady friend.

There was some part about women being minivans and another deal about a bunch of guys hanging off of a sports car, but that’s the gist of it.  Do I get it?  Do I agree?  Only if I get to be a helicopter.

Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"

Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"

 WORST

It’s hard to get my goat but Jay got my goat good.  All I know is that the discussion slipped into an argument (a one-sided argument most likely) about there being more than one way to use the word “better.”

My stance:

There’s a “better” that expresses an opinion, and there’s a “better” that expresses fact.

Opinion “better” – G.I. Joe is a better movie than Transformers 2.
Fact “better” – Water is better to drink than oil.

A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can

A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can

 Until the next brewsing…

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

From shitty to shittier indeed...

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb.  I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers.  Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants.  The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!)  Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial?  I smell no sense of adventure.  I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other.  It’s all tell, and no show!  Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?!  Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?!  And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway.  (It was free…)  Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters.  It was all I had.  She made a face, and I left.  Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays?  Cigarettes?  No.  A beer at the bar?  No.  Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew?  Sometimes.  Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

In My Brain While Sleeping… So Long, Tiny Zebra And Tiny Cougar, I Will Miss You

I don’t know of any better way to convey this oddity of a dream that stuck with me.  So here it is chronologically.  Now with 100% more pictures!

cruisecopter

I started off on a cruise ship that went to an island (of course), and I took a helicopter out to sea.

 

 

Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)

Dramatization (not an actual plier-mouthed porpoise)

And because I was afraid of heights (from being in the helicopter), I jumped into ocean, hitched on ride on tandem jet ski, and saw huge porpoises with wrench-like teeth and giant dolphins leaping  over row boats and other jet skis.

 

 

 

 

simplemathOnce I reached dry land found, I found a tiny zebra and a tiny cougar (both were pocket-sized).

 

deepimpactI carried them around we me (in my pockets, natch) until I witnessed a tsunami coming ashore from opposite directions.

 

bedpanThen it suddenly turned into “real life” and I was at one of my company’s clients that sells medical equipment.  I gave my tiny zebra and my tiny cougar to their employees, so they could be cared for.

 

 

hamburgerdressI ended up finding out that the medical supplier had started manufacturing meat products out of zebras and cougars in general, so I narc’d reported them to the authorities.  

 

 

 

roadkillI thought they were marketing the meat as ‘hamburger,’ but in fact, they were selling it as ‘wild game’ to a restaurant near my office.

 

 

INGREDIENTS: Jellybean Nerds and Mountain Dew

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Movie About Young Lesbians In Love And Kurt Russell And Goldie Hawn

Hawn-Russell is not a character from Star Wars, Pete! I told you so!

Hawn-Russell is not a character from Star Wars, Pete! I told you so!

With a post title like that, you might start to wonder why my lead picture is Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.  Allow me to explain…

Last night, I had a dream about a movie starring these two entitled The Organization of L.  What the title referred to, I can only assume, is some subconscious reference to The L Word, due to the story of the “movie.”

SIDENOTE: I was contemplating not posting this as not to give anyone any ideas, but then I realized, “Hey, I don’t have anything else to post today.  Plus, I just thought of a funny way to end it.”

The “story” was this: Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn lived in neighboring brownstones in some major city.  Goldie was a progressive-thinking mother.  For example, she let her son – nay, encouraged him – to play with Barbie dolls as well as well as his G.I. Joe’s.  Her college age daughter was a philosopher and a dreamer… and she has been dating Kurt’s college age daughter through most of the past school year.  

Kurt, on the other hand (yet in a similar way), raised his daughter as major league sports enthusiast and a tomboy, having no other children since his wife passed away.  They’re best friends, and he doesn’t want any boy to ever take her away.

Flash forward to summer break.  Both daughters are back home for the summer, and one night, while  Goldie’s daughter stays the night at Kurt’s house, Kurt’s daughter proposes.

Goldie’s delighted; Kurt’s confused.  Hilarity, sentimentality, and maturity ensue!

I mean, it’s not like the subject of gay marriage is timely or anything?  (Miss California’s scandalous topless pic here.)

A real boob (job)

A real boob (job)

And it’s not like anyone’s interested in the heartaches and heart warmings between two college-age lesbians, right?

All right Pete... I'll give you that.  SamRo and LiLo sound like characters' names in Star Wars.

All right Pete... I'll give you that. SamRo and LiLo sound like characters' names in Star Wars.

INGREDIENTS: Two glasses of organic milk, which after drinking, made me feel oddly drunk.