The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… The Epithet, Douchebag

"Allow me to introduce you to such vile things!"

Ever see the movie Nacho Libre?  My friend recently told me his young sons love it, but it bothers him because it uses two bad words: floozy and douche.

I thought that was funny.  No matter the misnomer, kids absorb it like a @##$% sucks up *&@%$ on a Tuesday.

This got me thinking about the etymology of the word – specifically douchebag – and how it’s beginning to feel like its power is waning.  And I’m not suggesting that those people being dubbed one are accepting it, like how the cast of Jersey Shore adored being called guidos.  It’s just that it seems like everybody’s a douchebag these days, and they can’t all be one, can they?

Maybe.

According to the always reliable Wikipedia, the feminine hygiene product became an insult in the 1960’s.  According to Stephen King (or the other screenwriters), the word was well into play by September 1959.

From Stand By Me:

Chris: Yeah. So lets just say that I stole the milk money but old lady Simons stole it back from me. Suppose I told the story. Me, Chris Chambers, kid brother to Eyeball Chambers. Do you think anyone would have believed it?
Gordie: No.
Chris: And do you think that that bitch would have dared try something like that if it had been one of those douchebags from up on the View, if they had taken the money?
Gordie: No way!

The meteoric rise in this useful word’s, um, use has to deal with either one of two things:

  1. The website Hot Chicks with Douchebags level of popularity.
  2. The meteoric rise in the level of douchebags.

My biggest fear is that by throwing around this word so willy-nilly (a phrase that has earned tons of power from disuse), douchebag will become as dull as idiot, moron, or crystal and clear in the early 90’s.

In closing, here’s an excerpt from an insightful article on Overthinking It.  Author (a.k.a. blogger) mlawski posits:

Douches = tools of the patriarchy
Douchebags = patriarchal tools
“Douchebag” = not offensive to women

“Patriarchal tools,” hmm?  Well, there are plenty of them around.  Tons you might say…

…I guess the term douchebag isn’t going anywhere…

…just like the douchebags themselves.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Give Me A F—ing (Christmas) Break

I’m running low on my Christmas spirit as I’m quickly realizing most all of my Christmas wishes are not coming true.  Smack that up against with me coming across this over-indulgent greeting card that almost two-million people have already seen (speaking of smack, that kid’s mug is begging for one):

I watched the entire extravaganza, and I guess the guy that set it up used to do special effects for Disney, but still… ick.  The song is even terrible.

It kind reminds me of a light show version of this:

"It's craptastic!"

 (And for the record… no, I am not his neighbor…)

JusWondering… Why Do I Want Superpowers For Mediocre Uses?

This idea came about when I was thinking about how I really, really, really, would like a Lightsaber™ only to steal cool street signs.

Funny_street_sign

Hello hilarity, soon to be hanging on my basement wall!

I also might be inclined to use it to put holes in things, but otherwise, that’s all I would use a Lightsaber™ for.  Not for good, not for (truly) evil – only for comedy.

Then it occurred to me that I think the same way in regard to having superpowers.  My reasons to possess them aren’t grand by any means.

1) Flight

meflying

"Here I come to ruin the day!"

I talked about this once before, but I’ll bring it up again.  If I could fly, I’d use it to travel, of course, since it would cut my commute time to work in half!  (I’m still employed with this amazing ability.  Great fantasy.)  But the biggest trick I’d pull would involve me showing off my new talent at the Academy Awards™ while the stars walked the Red Carpet®… you know, just to show them up.

2) Invisibility 

douchexpress

C'mon... he deserves it...

If I could turn as transparent as the Balloon Boy Hoax©, I wouldn’t be hanging out in ladies’ locker rooms (although I might sneak into gym to workout for free if I was so inclined).  I’d use it key douchebags’ cars.  If you’d like to know what I’d take the time to scrape – see above.  Carrie Underwood (Patent Pending) should take notes before the next time he cheats…

3) Indestructibility

Bar fights, natch.  Maybe X-Treme Sports®…You know, just to show douchebags up.

4) Super Strength

I’ve always wanted a steamroller to run over different things.  I suppose I’d do the same (or at least similar) with my own hands.

5) Telekinesis

To be lazy.  From my couch.  Also – my bed.  Maybe the shower.

6) Telepathy

To win arguments.  And ladies’ hearts…

7) Time Travel

I’d go back a few days to post this on time on monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO™.

Happy Finds… Douche Off, Superhero Dunks, And The Classic MANtage

This video is a bit old, but I’ve only recently stumbled upon it.  Just know that it bears repeated viewings:

Since that may not be new to you, I delved a little deeper into Barats and Bereta’s catalog, and uncovered this more recent offering which is equally entertaining in a nerdier way:

Then I checked out more of their stuff and realized I had known about these guys awhile back: 

And always remembered, Jesus pwn3d u.

Musical Musings… When Memes Take Steroids

Internet memes are a phenomenon in so much that they spread faster than a wildfire, faster than a rumor in high school, and faster than any milk product through my lactose intolerant friend, Jay.

Now when you take something we’ve all seen and taken for granted and add music… Internet Meme 2.0.

YouTube user/musician ParryGripp has done just that.  I’ve featured one of his videos once before (that got taken down because the original video poster is a d-bag).  It was Hamster On a Piano that was eating popcorn.  It was hilarious, I thought, but these are of the same, if not higher, caliber.  Enjoy!

Legion Of Seans… Sean (Avery) Gone Wrong

As a founding member of the Legion of Seans (along with Mr. Penn, Mr. Connery, Ms. Young, and Mr. Combs), I’m very displeased with Mr. Avery’s recent comments regarding Canadian hottie, Elisha Cuthbert.

From WWTDD (via Yahoo):

Reporters were waiting to speak with Avery about disparaging remarks he’d made last month about Flames star Jarome Iginla when Avery walked over to the group and asked if there was a camera present. When told there was, he said, “I’m just going to say one thing.”
“I’m really happy to be back in Calgary; I love Canada,” he said. “I just want to comment on how it’s become like a common thing in the NHL for guys to fall in love with my sloppy seconds. I don’t know what that’s about, but enjoy the game tonight.” He then walked out of the locker room.

Sean Avery used to be a Detroit Red Wing.  When he was traded to the L.A. Kings, he dated Cuthbert and Rod Stewart’s ex-wife, Rachel Hunter.  Now that he’s in Dallas with the Stars, he’s probably fearful Jessica Simpson might have her sights set on him.  Regardless of the situation, the Legion of Seans have released this statement on the matter:

Sean Avery’s ex-girlfriends cannot be referred to as sloppy seconds, due to the fact that Avery is a giant douche. 

In closing, a final message from the Legion of Seans to one Mr. Carter: until you change the spelling of your first name to the correct Irish way, you will not be granted entrance.  Good day!

elisha-cuthbert