christmas

JusWondering… What’s The Most Impersonal Seasons Greetings Possible?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Merry Mass Texting!

Merry Mass Texting!

So far this year, I’ve received four Christmas cards.  You should know that I don’t send any out, but it hasn’t stopped people from sending them to me in the past.  And it’s not that I’m hoping for them, or judging anyone for sending or not sending me one.  I’m only bringing this up because I received more text messages this Christmas than other years (only ten so far… and maybe counting).

I wonder if the economy has anything to do with it.  Or simply it’s a reflection of my Yulitude.  But they’ve all been pretty much the same old…

Merry Christmas!

…which is no doubt a mass texting.  Again, I’m not knocking the fact that people are thinking about me when they’re going through their phone list (or address book in regard to the carders), it’s just that my sentimentality begins and ends with “It’s a Wonderful Life!”

At least with text messaging vs. cards, I can appear thoughtful with the forwarded response…

Same to u!

…but again, it feels lacking and tacky.  Maybe next year, I’ll try to be the one wishing all a Merry Christmas first, and see how many responses I get.  (I’ll have to make sure my phone plan allows for that many responses.)  I’m already thinking about the shorthand text I could send.  Perhaps…

Merry xmas!

…or…

Mry xms!

…or simply…

Mx!

…can do the trick. 

Man, now I can’t wait for next x!

InASense, Lost… It’s Not Always A Wonderful Life! (Bummer…)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I wish I had a million dollars! No, I really mean it...

I wish I had a million dollars! No, I really mean it...

My favorite film of all time is “It’s a Wonderful Life!”

Call me maudlin, call me a tool, call me a sap (which would render me a sentimental tree tap?)  Okay you can add “lame” to that list, but if you do not agree, you may need to give the flick another look.

The story of a man unknowingly fulfilling his destiny is a classic unparalleled.  There are some moments so honest in the film that I wish cloning existed to give us another Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed.

The reason I bring it up today (besides the obvious Christmas ties) is to tie it to another one of two other subjects:

  1. The modern housing market crisis
  2. The belly flop of a film, “Delgo”

    Yum yum for my tum... is that peanut butter mixed with mango?

    Yum yum for my tum... is that peanut butter mixed with mango?

For those of you unfamiliar with the independent cut-scenes from a video game film, here’s the preview:

The ties between films are as follows:

  • Both were considered flops upon their initial release.
  • …

Okay, there’s not much of a connection between them, and if I ever see “Delgo,” I may be hard pressed to expand that list.  The biggest purpose for bringing the creepy CGI film up is because the production breaks my heart.  On it’s opening weekend, the movie averaged two viewers per showing.  Two.

From Yahoo:

…the making of “Delgo” has the makings of a great Hollywood underdog story. 36-year-old entrepreneur Marc Adler decided he wanted to direct and produce a $40 million computer animated kids’ flick completely independent of Tinseltown behemoths like Disney and Dreamworks.

…And when Adler couldn’t get a Hollywood studio interested in his movie, he raised eyebrows by releasing it himself through distributor-for-hire Freestyle Releasing. It was a huge risk; one that ultimately didn’t pay off. There wasn’t the sort of marketing budget needed to make a film stand out in the already crowded holiday movie season.

Okay, it doesn’t help the movie received horrible reviews, and its main stars were Freddie Prinze, Jr. and Jennifer Love Hewitt, but–

Wait!  There’s another correlation between the films:

  • Sometimes the bad guys with all the money win.

The Secret To Having A “Mary” Christmas

Posted on by sgottahurt

Here’s a tip for all you last minute shoppers:
 
If you want to get some help at the store, don’t get angry with the sales people and call them an asshole, asshat (my new favorite epithet by the way), fuck face, piece of shit, heartless bastard fuck, fuckup, fucking loser, or ne’er-do-well cocksucker.
 
Get angry and call the sales associate this: Scroogeman.  Apparently it works.  (My aunt was the mastermind behind this – it made the worker do a 180.)
 
My theory on why this is effective is because people get called derogatory terms all year ’round.  Saying Scroogeman drudges up a coded history of bah-humbuggery and it implies that you are seeking out being a bastard.  It may not be full-proof because some people go out of their way to be jerks, but most people working in retail probably have a weak-spot for the Dickens’ classic.
 
So try it… or not.  See if I care.  Merry Christmas, asshats!
You are a Scroogeman!

Itsnotta Scroogeman!

All I Want For Christmas Is… More Scrubs Soundtracks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Aaah, “Scrubs.”  You are the middle child between “E.R.” (the secondone with George Clooney, not the first… look it up) and the highly comedic, though at most times unintentional, “Grey’s Anatomy,” and you’re still the best at what you do.  (I picked Michael Crichton’s show as a reference point because it was an issue when “Scrubs” premiered.  People wondered why they would need two shows about interns.  Ask CBS what they think about crime scene investigators… and for that matter, what NBC thinks about blending cop procedural and court cases.)

Mixing pathos and humor so well for seven seasons, like a fine chef or bottle-flipping bartender (more Bryan Brown than Tom Cruise), you finally started getting some respect once you hit that magical 100th episode (that’s when shows can get syndicated).  NBC had been dicking you around for years, and when the seventh season was up for grabs, ABC – your owner – was ready to take over.  Having little else going on over at NBC, they used up the short season (due to the writer’s strike), and then hung you out to dry.  You’ll get to finish your magnificent run on ABC starting in January, but that’s not what this post is about.

scrubsIt’s all about the music, baby.  No other show utilizes the music to advance the story quite like “Scrubs.”  Check out the integration of Colin Hay’s Overkill (formerly of Men at Work).  What upsets me is that they’ve only released one CD for sale after the first season (after the fifth season they did a collection only available on iTunes… 14 songs to cover four seasons), but i want more.

greyscd“Grey’s Anatomy” gets three CD’s, but they push their music, not quite like “Smallville” did at the end of its early episodes, but there still is a hey, check out this quirky new artist quality about it.  Hence them releasing three CD’s.  “Scrubs” just lets it be, and maybe that’s why I prefer music from them.  It’s between the show and the audience – there is no marketing department forcing the producers’ hands.  So when season six ends on Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love, I should just accept it as the way it is and be happy.

What?  There’s a torrent full of “Scrubs” music?  Never mind.

All I Want For Christmas Is… Government Subsidized Gas Prices (99 Cents, Biotch!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I dare you to tell me that America is not the Greatest Country on Planet Earth!  (I can’t vouch for countries on other planets… there might be some better ones than us.)  And how do we make this country even better?  By insuring, by guaranteeing, by swearing, by stick a needle in my eye not lying, by promising that we will never have to pay more than 99 cents for a gallon of gas ever again!  (And $1.09 for Midgrade and $1.19 for Premium, you douches.)

How can this be done?  I don’t fucking care how they get it done!  The government simply needs to git’r dun!  If it’s by funneling the money that’s funding the war or inventing more money like they did for the fucking lenders, git’r dun!  It’s the fastest way to save the country.

How’s that you ask?  If gas is cheap, people will drive more. 

If people drive more, they’ll go to the store more. 

If they go to the store, they’ll buy more because they have more money since the gas is cheap. 

If people are buying more things, more companies will need to make more things to sell.  Hell, people might even buy full-size SUV’s and trucks again to carry all the shit they’ll be buying, thus rendering an auto bailout unneccessary (because everyone knows American trucks and SUV’s are the best, right?) 

Back to the companies making things – they’ll need to hire more people to make things so there will be less unemployed people and more taxes being paid back to the government. 

In turn, these returning consumers will need cheap gas and want to buy more shit and see where I’m going?

If this is Socialism – sign me up!  So long as I can still buy shit.

If you don’t – watch this video:

All I Want For Christmas Is… A Quadski

Posted on by sgottahurt

But can it go on water?

But can it go on water?

But can it go on land?

But can it drive on land?

All I can think about when I see Gibbs Technology’s Quadski is, “Me wanty, me wanty!”  Let me explain it to you in simple terms if the pictures aren’t enough (actually, you might not even be reading this and may still be staring at the photos).

I don’t live near water any body of water but the Rouge River, so this would come in handy when I finally set forth my plan on traversing the bendy once-heavily polluted now not-as-nasty stream as if it were the Mississip and I was Huck Finn.  I’m sure I could get my Neighbor Jim to tag along.

Um, okay… how’s this for another crack at a wry, wrong joke – How do you say “a table for four” in a Polish restaurant?  Ah forget it.  Watch this video of my future speed-raft instead:

Worth 1002 Words (Holiday Edition)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Scary Christmas

Scary Christmas

InASense, Lost… Frightening Stuffed Dogs

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s Christmas, and as Perry Como likes to claim (even though he’s lying!), “The traffic is terrific!”

I, myself, on the other hand, insert foot in mouth, would like to point out something that is not so terrific, and may in fact be terrifying.  Check out this ad for a toy that takes the “Pound Puppies” into the “Bratz” teritory (sorry… got on an italics kick).  World meet “Tini Puppini“:

As the Little Drummer Boy might ask, “Do you hear what I hear?”  Go back to about the 0:22 mark on the video.  Besides the overall sluttiness we’re selling to our youth (which I don’t personally don’t have a problem with because when these girls turn 18… yowza!), do we really have to sell slutty dogs, too?

Okay, now if you heard “You’re such a ho!” I want you to go back and listen again with this pun in mind: “You’re such a howl!”  Did you do it?  You won’t hear ho again after knowing that’s what they say.

Anyho, I was kidding about the slutty kid thing above… It really is scary that backwards-ass parents would even consider wrapping up anything like this or “Bratz” dolls for their daughters as a gift.  I say, let girls become ho’s on their own terms, in their own time.  They don’t need dolls and stuffed animals to rush them.  Or shorts or sweatpants with writing on the butt… As much as I love reading asses, kids should have a clean slate.

BONUS SCARY STUFFED ANIMAL ACTION (via The Ghost Hunters via The Soup):

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In My Brain While Sleeping… Perry Como Torture

Posted on by sgottahurt

I woke up this morning with this lyric stuck in my head: “Gee, the traffic is…”

I couldn’t remember the other word.  “The traffic is delicious.”  “The traffic is ridiculous.”  “The traffic is… delicious.”  I felt like Andy Bernard in “The Office” when he could remember the end of “Break me off a piece of that-duh-duh-duh!”

So first thing I do is turn on my pc to Google search the lyric, and found that “Gee, the traffic is terrific.”  Leave it to Perry Como to be happy about it!  And no wonder I couldn’t think of it!

Anywaterunderthebridge, I also dreamt an idea for “Hard Rain 2,” which may come in handy since Christian Slater’s once again out of work.  Although, in my version, Seth Rogan was one of the guys, and I think I had Nicholson Lite’s role.  I would detail it here, but it is actually pretty cool (IMHO) so I’m holding onto it for now.  If I change my mind, you’ll be the first to know (after any person I know in real life that will pretend to listen to me, i.e. my siblings).

(Some Andy Bernard highlights after the jump… and some bonus Creed.)

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Groundhogs, Explosions, And A Lack Of Clothes

Posted on by sgottahurt

It first occurred to me in Pennsylvania.  Punxsutawney, to be exact.  Some family and friends went there two winters ago for the 30th birthday of my sister, Becky.  (Sorry for letting the groundhog out of the bag…)
 
Her birthday falls on Groundhog Day, and the festivities at Gobbler’s Knob (um, yep, that’s it name) were surprisingly warm for it being so cold.  The people were nice at the Walmart we parked at and on the bus.  The grounds were cleared of fresh snow and already covered in hay which prevented soaking wet feet. 
I don’t get up at 5am for much of anything other than a flight, but I’m glad we awakened on time in order to witness this:
Catch a sparkler on your tongue!
Catch a sparkler on your tongue!

A fireworks display in the morning snow.

Normally, I’m not a big fan of the big booms on the Fourth (the mini-booms at my uncle’s house are a blast), but when they’re unexpected, they can be beautiful.  A similar feeling snuck up on me last night on Veteran’s Day.  I stayed at work a little later to avoid traffic… and read blogs.  Sometimes my wireless Internet doesn’t work at home because my neighbor turns it off, or starts fiddling with it somehow – asshole (j/k if you read this, which you probably don’t, so j/k).

On the freeway, I passed a mall presenting a full-fledged spectacular, grand finale and all (I stopped at a Best Buy – what’s wrong with me?)  I couldn’t stop smiling.  The music on the radio even seemed to mesh with the flashing and flaring chemicals (seriously, what’s wrong with me?)  It was… unexpected.

This made me realize that surprises are what it’s all about.  Like hearing Christmas music on the radio the day after Halloween.  It happens every year, but I forget that it’s going to happen and I actually enjoy it.  (Although I do grow sick of it well before Thanksgiving, and I feel sick for admitting this all – damn happy music.)

Or it’s just like going to a party where you don’t expect to meet anyone of interest (whichever path of interest you choose), and you gain an insight or catch an STD.  Regardless, it’s still a fun surprise!

In closing, it’s the same way with nudity.  If I go to the strip club, I’m paying for the fireworks and Christmas music.  But in public… on a Tuesday… in the rain – huzzah!  At a concert… when changing into another shirt – huzzah!  Or through my apartment window, into yours, across the alley.  Your lights are on.  Mine are off.  Huzzah…