barbie

InASense, Lost… I Didn’t Even Know They Were Broken Up

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sometimes ignorance is bliss (or is it always?), and this case of ignorance is a mixed bag.

On one hand, it’s good that I didn’t know this.  On the other hand, how did I not know this?  If I’m supposed to be on top of pop culture, how did Barbie and Ken’s breakup fly under my pink radar?

Well apparently, toy maker Mattel is letting the fans decide if they should get back together:

Just in time for Valentine's Day!

Since they’ve broken up in 2004, these are a few of the people the iconic doll has been documented as dating:

  • Blaine

*Not siblings

Alliteration is a popular device in poetry; it’s rarely regarded as all right in relationships.  Blaine was introduced to the Barbie line of toys almost immediately after she and Ken broke up.  Talk about moving fast.  The Australian surfer was instantly popular, and Ken wasn’t even manufactured dropped off the grid for two years.  A lot of people are crediting Barbie and Ken’s appearance in Toy Story 3 as the reason for the reignited romance… needless to say, Blaine has since fired his agent.

  • He-Man

Master of the Universe... not his domain

After a bit of a blow-up with Blaine, Barbie was caught going on a few dates with the alter-ego of Prince Adam.  The reason she cited for the short courtship:

Let’s just say every time he passed a mirror, he couldn’t help but touch his… Orko.  He was a chronic Master of His Universe.

  • Peter Venkman

 

Don't cross his stream.

 

Barbie was admittedly starstruck when she met the world-famous Ghostbuster.  They only went on one date though, because he seemed haunted by his former lover, Dana Barrett.  As all the celebrity tabloids perpetually pointed out, Dana dumped poor Peter for this guy:

 

Peter's been blue ever since...

 

  • Willrow Hood

 

Busy running from danger, with his trusty ice cream maker

 

Barbie met Willrow Hood while vacationing at Bespin City.  She really thought it could go somewhere, but nothing would ever come between him and his ice cream maker.  After this trip, she was offered her role in Toy Story 3, so the rest, as they say, happened a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

(SIDENOTE: BTW, they’re back together.)

InASense, Lost… Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken

Posted on by sgottahurt

This product was announced last week, and although it doesn’t make me feel as weak as Fetish Tots did, it still borders “What-the-Fuck-is-Mattel-Thinking?” Ville, therefore still rendering me InASense, Lost.

The “toy” goes bi by this official name: Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken.  They might have well placed the word Super in there, too.

palm_beach_sugar_daddy_ken

The dog's name is Sugar, and Ken is his "daddy"... none of this is helping...

Mattel claims that it’s a part of their adult toy line, which I 100% believe.  And it’s not like the neutered doll was ever a hero of mine, like how G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck or Star Wars’ (duh) Luke Skywalker were (pictured below).

 

shipwreck_gi_joe

A Real American Hetero!

luke_skywalker_tank

It's not a bath in the "traditional" sense...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But this fact remains: it gives me the Malibu Dream Heebie Jeebies.  The last time I felt this weird and twisted inside because of a toy was when I learned that Dr. Claw (the unseen bad guy in Inspector Gadget) looked like this:

dr_claw

Come to think of it, he had MAD Cat as a pet, so he was MAD Car's "daddy". And his hair looks fabulous... Perhaps Ken could give him a ring sometime? Perhaps.

In My Brain While Sleeping… A Movie About Young Lesbians In Love And Kurt Russell And Goldie Hawn

Posted on by sgottahurt

Hawn-Russell is not a character from Star Wars, Pete! I told you so!

Hawn-Russell is not a character from Star Wars, Pete! I told you so!

With a post title like that, you might start to wonder why my lead picture is Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell.  Allow me to explain…

Last night, I had a dream about a movie starring these two entitled The Organization of L.  What the title referred to, I can only assume, is some subconscious reference to The L Word, due to the story of the “movie.”

SIDENOTE: I was contemplating not posting this as not to give anyone any ideas, but then I realized, “Hey, I don’t have anything else to post today.  Plus, I just thought of a funny way to end it.”

The “story” was this: Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn lived in neighboring brownstones in some major city.  Goldie was a progressive-thinking mother.  For example, she let her son – nay, encouraged him – to play with Barbie dolls as well as well as his G.I. Joe’s.  Her college age daughter was a philosopher and a dreamer… and she has been dating Kurt’s college age daughter through most of the past school year.  

Kurt, on the other hand (yet in a similar way), raised his daughter as major league sports enthusiast and a tomboy, having no other children since his wife passed away.  They’re best friends, and he doesn’t want any boy to ever take her away.

Flash forward to summer break.  Both daughters are back home for the summer, and one night, while  Goldie’s daughter stays the night at Kurt’s house, Kurt’s daughter proposes.

Goldie’s delighted; Kurt’s confused.  Hilarity, sentimentality, and maturity ensue!

I mean, it’s not like the subject of gay marriage is timely or anything?  (Miss California’s scandalous topless pic here.)

A real boob (job)

A real boob (job)

And it’s not like anyone’s interested in the heartaches and heart warmings between two college-age lesbians, right?

All right Pete... I'll give you that. SamRo and LiLo sound like characters' names in Star Wars.

All right Pete... I'll give you that. SamRo and LiLo sound like characters' names in Star Wars.

INGREDIENTS: Two glasses of organic milk, which after drinking, made me feel oddly drunk.