All I Want For Christmas Is… To Live Here, Sleep Here, Or Drive This

Like any person stuck in their own life, I dream of other places to be, other things to sleep on, and other things to drive. Here are each of my wishes:

1) Habitat 67

Named so because it was built in 1967, this prefab community looks cool as whip. It’s located in Montreal, which I think is in Canada (I’m just kidding… I know it’s in Mexico). So it’s old and in another country, which would normally be two strikes against a place, yet I still would like to inhabitat it. That’s mostly because I hear there’s a lot of models there (source needed). Wait, you don’t think they mean models, like “women posing” do you? ‘Cause that’d be so much better than putting together plastic crap with glue…

This is where the new version of "The Prisoner" should have been filmed.

2) Hide-A-Bunk-Bed

How cool are things that transform? The correct answer – very. Except when it comes to couches that transform into beds. But not anymore, thanks to this brilliant idea.

If only I could get somebody to sleep over...

Or would you prefer the Do Hit Chair?

This chair costs $6000. Srsly...

3) A-Team Smart Car

‘Nuff said.

a-team-mini-car

B.A. Baracus pities the fool that has to ride in the back.

All I Want For Christmas Is… Crispycones To Go Big Time (Or A Big Top Cupcake To Go In My Belly)

Probably because I’m hungry right now, I’ve got food items to put on my Christmas wish list.

First up, there’s a product out there called Crispycones, and I’m already moving Hot Pockets around to make room in my freezer.

And while I’m waiting, can somebody please make me one of these?  Funfetti, of course.

(click pics for respective websites)

I scream, "Pizza!"

He screams, "I'm done!"

All I Want For Christmas Is… Condorman On DVD (Also Acceptible – Yor: The Hunter From The Future)

I should have included this song on my list of memorable movie music, but it is not remembered by many other than me.

Walt Disney released Condorman in theaters in 1981, and I don’t think I saw until it arrived on VHS a few years later.  It was back when Disney released movies on those white clamshell cases that had stickers… not slip sheets like the later stuff did.

The later stuff

Apparently, the DVD was released by Anchor Bay 10 years ago, and since then has gone out of print.  Used editions go for $40, while new ones go for $85-150!

So I guess my wish would more accurately be – PLEASE RE-RELEASE CONDORMAN ON DVD!  Last year, when all I wanted for Christmas was that Parker Lewis Can’t Lose to get released on DVD, I never thought it would come true so soon!

If Condorman is unlikely, then I have a second option… Yor: The Hunter from the Future. That hasn’t been released on DVD in the U.S. at all, so how about a little love?

All I Want For Christmas Is… One Of These Patrick Swayze T-Shirts

It’s that time of year again, when the bugging reaches an apex – What do you want for Christmas?  What do you want for Christmas?!

All right!  I’ll tell you.

For starters, I’d like either one of these t-shirts.  I only want one, because I don’t think I could pull off that level of irony more than once per laundry load.  (Click on each self-explained pic for the link to the site.)

chris-farley-patrick-swayze-reunited

"Mommy, is there a Chippendale's in heaven?" "I hope so, sweetie. I hope so."

nobody-puts-baby-in-a-corner-dirty-dancing

"There are too many babies in the corner! Can anyone else help?"

All I Want For Christmas Is… A New Fast Food Joint

How about Pasta La Feasta's instead?

How about Pasta La Feasta's instead?

About a month ago, when I realized I had become a drive-thru regular at Taco Bell, I created a post that gave a few ideas to entrepreneurs for new restaurant chains (Kabob Stop, Dim Sum Gong, Pierogi To Go, and Taka Sushi).

After having some time to think, and after getting sick of my same old options (Wendy’s, KFC, Arby’s, the aforementioned Bell, Culver’s, Burger King, Quizno’s, Jimmy Johns, Potbelly, Qdoba, National Coney Island, Kerby Coney Island, CiCi’s, A&W, Mickey D’s, and Hungry Howies), I’m really craving a change.

They tried putting in a Del Taco nearby my work (ugh) and the nearest Sonic is still a good 40 miles away.

What I think is missing (besides the places I created) is a fast food Italian cuisine.  Fazoli’s was the closest thing we had to that, and although it wasn’t the absolute greatest, it worked.  Too bad they shut ’em all down in Michigan.

If anyone wants to take me up on my ideas, go for the Polish one first.  I probably won’t eat at the other places anyway.

All I Want For Christmas Is… More Scrubs Soundtracks

Aaah, “Scrubs.”  You are the middle child between “E.R.” (the secondone with George Clooney, not the first… look it up) and the highly comedic, though at most times unintentional, “Grey’s Anatomy,” and you’re still the best at what you do.  (I picked Michael Crichton’s show as a reference point because it was an issue when “Scrubs” premiered.  People wondered why they would need two shows about interns.  Ask CBS what they think about crime scene investigators… and for that matter, what NBC thinks about blending cop procedural and court cases.)

Mixing pathos and humor so well for seven seasons, like a fine chef or bottle-flipping bartender (more Bryan Brown than Tom Cruise), you finally started getting some respect once you hit that magical 100th episode (that’s when shows can get syndicated).  NBC had been dicking you around for years, and when the seventh season was up for grabs, ABC – your owner – was ready to take over.  Having little else going on over at NBC, they used up the short season (due to the writer’s strike), and then hung you out to dry.  You’ll get to finish your magnificent run on ABC starting in January, but that’s not what this post is about.

scrubsIt’s all about the music, baby.  No other show utilizes the music to advance the story quite like “Scrubs.”  Check out the integration of Colin Hay’s Overkill (formerly of Men at Work).  What upsets me is that they’ve only released one CD for sale after the first season (after the fifth season they did a collection only available on iTunes… 14 songs to cover four seasons), but i want more.

greyscd“Grey’s Anatomy” gets three CD’s, but they push their music, not quite like “Smallville” did at the end of its early episodes, but there still is a hey, check out this quirky new artist quality about it.  Hence them releasing three CD’s.  “Scrubs” just lets it be, and maybe that’s why I prefer music from them.  It’s between the show and the audience – there is no marketing department forcing the producers’ hands.  So when season six ends on Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love, I should just accept it as the way it is and be happy.

What?  There’s a torrent full of “Scrubs” music?  Never mind.

All I Want For Christmas Is… Government Subsidized Gas Prices (99 Cents, Biotch!)

I dare you to tell me that America is not the Greatest Country on Planet Earth!  (I can’t vouch for countries on other planets… there might be some better ones than us.)  And how do we make this country even better?  By insuring, by guaranteeing, by swearing, by stick a needle in my eye not lying, by promising that we will never have to pay more than 99 cents for a gallon of gas ever again!  (And $1.09 for Midgrade and $1.19 for Premium, you douches.)

How can this be done?  I don’t fucking care how they get it done!  The government simply needs to git’r dun!  If it’s by funneling the money that’s funding the war or inventing more money like they did for the fucking lenders, git’r dun!  It’s the fastest way to save the country.

How’s that you ask?  If gas is cheap, people will drive more. 

If people drive more, they’ll go to the store more. 

If they go to the store, they’ll buy more because they have more money since the gas is cheap. 

If people are buying more things, more companies will need to make more things to sell.  Hell, people might even buy full-size SUV’s and trucks again to carry all the shit they’ll be buying, thus rendering an auto bailout unneccessary (because everyone knows American trucks and SUV’s are the best, right?) 

Back to the companies making things – they’ll need to hire more people to make things so there will be less unemployed people and more taxes being paid back to the government. 

In turn, these returning consumers will need cheap gas and want to buy more shit and see where I’m going?

If this is Socialism – sign me up!  So long as I can still buy shit.

If you don’t – watch this video:

All I Want For Christmas Is… A Toilet That Doesn’t Clog

I’ll spare you the details, but just know that in the last 24 hrs. I’ve eaten:
  • A Hungry Howies pizza – size small – with pepperoni, cheese, and heavy Cajun crust
  • A Smokehouse Bacon Triple-the-Cheese Big Mouth Burger, with fries, chips, and queso dip
  • A Bob Evans homestyle breakfast containing flapjacks, sausage, eggs, and mashed potatoes with gravy

And after a recent incident occurred, all I’m dreaming about is a better toilet.  The industrial ones at my office building are forces of nature (so to speak).  It’s my home John J. Crapper that’s a “wholey tearer.”

Not to be much cruder, but I’ve taken dumps in many places around the world, and I wonder if the alternatives might be worth it.  In Japan, this is how they go Niban (a.k.a. #2):

New visual for Pop-a-Squat.

New visual for Pop-a-Squat.

In Amsterdam, I discovered “the shelf,” courtesy of German toilet engineering:

Goodbye floaters!  Hello shelfers!

Goodbye floaters! Hello shelfers!

I thought I might try to find out something about Australian toilets, like, maybe the “reverse flush” might have a stronger pull, but all I ended up doing was watching a crap load of videos like this:

All-in-all, I guess anything is better than this:

I... think I can wait until I get home.

I... think I can wait until I get home.

All I Want For Christmas Is… The Dark Knight Returns (Or Whatever Batman 3 Will Be)

Please…?  Pretty, pretty please?

I can only take so much withholding before I just die.

I’ll be nice to my brother.  I’ll even be nice to my sisters, I guess.

Christopher Nolan, all I want is a promise.  A contract can come later.  All I want for Christmas is to know that there will be a third Batman movie (presumably, “The Dark Knight Returns,” but I hope it’s called something better.)

There’s this guy that calls himself Max Doomsday at an excellent blog called Atomic Gadfly, and he’s got the next movie all figured out:

(These) are the characteristics I’d draw on for my depiction of the Penguin. He’d be a successful professional criminal fronting as a businessman and philanthropist, who’s bought his way into Gotham high society. In a way, he’d be very much like Bruce Wayne – wealthy industrialists moving in the same social circle, and both leading double lives. But each man should recognize that the other is not quite what he seems.

The Penguin could be setting himself up as one of the city’s major benefactors – helping finance the rebuilding of Gotham General Hospital, bringing new jobs to the city, even donating equipment to the police department. But his goal is to create a sense of security for the people of Gotham. After all, they’ve just lived through the attacks on the city by Ra’s al Ghul and the Joker. The Penguin figures that if people feel like things are returning to normal, they’ll be so relieved that they won’t pay attention to what might be going on behind the scenes.

Remember, by the end of The Dark Knight, the Joker and Two-Face had killed off some of Gotham’s top mob figures. So the Penguin sees an opportunity to move in and set himself up as the new kingpin. Publicly, he appears to be working to “bring Gotham back” (as Batman once said), but privately, in the shadows, he’s building his criminal empire.

Max Doomsday even goes on to describe his appearance and his trademarks, and how to make him real.  (Hire him to help write the script!)  Another highlight is how the Penguin would get his name:

It’s not hard to imagine a scene – maybe a conference of mob leaders – where Oswald has arrived from some formal gala, still in his tux, and somebody makes a crack about how he looks in his “penguin suit.” So Oswald kills the guy, or orders him killed. Hell, maybe he crushes the guy’s windpipe with an umbrella. (I don’t know if your standard umbrella’s actually strong enough to do that. I’m just throwin’ out the idea.) Or maybe the insult occurs in a more public setting, embarrassing Oswald in front of his moll and his high society friends.

Either way, the story gets around. From then on, Oswald’s called “the Penguin.” Never, ever to his face, but sneeringly, behind his back, like “Scarface” or “Bugsy.”

So Chris Nolan – whuttayathink?  I’ll put my two-cents in (ha ha… like Two-Face… not really).  I say make Tiny Lister’s tattooed prisoner become Killer Croc (he’s the guy who threw the charge out the window).  Or have Mr. Reese in accounting become the Riddler.  He can go crazy because he wants to tell the world about Bruce Wayne and the Batman, but he feels a great debt is owed… maybe Lucius Fox fires him and that’s what pushes him off the deep end.

Anyharleyquinn, if I can’t get even a hint of a spec of a promise, can I get this instead?

(

Me wanty... just kidding... not really... :(

All I Want For Christmas Is… Parker Lewis Can’t Lose On DVD

I guess he can lose.

I guess he can lose.

What.  The.  Fahrvergnugen.  Why isn’t “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” on official DVD yet.  There are bootlegs aplenty, but I’m waiting for a Shout! Factory version or for Sony to pony up and put out.

For those of you that don’t remember this show, or never heard of it at all, the breakdown is this: it’s a rip-off an homage based on similar to “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

Parker Lewis was played by the guy who played Jonas Quinn in “Stargate SG-1″… no, you don’t know?  How about the guy in “RoboDoc?”  Um… his name is Corin Nemec (which sounds made up – an anagram of Icemen Corn?), and he’s been here and there through the years, but nothing quite as loud-shirted as he was on this show.  (I forgot that’s why I had so many polyester button-downs in high school.)

He was the guy who had all the plans for getting away with any scheme rated PG, which he commonly preceded with the phrase, “Not a problem.”

His best bud was rocker Mikey Randall.  He was played by the kid who played Blanche’s wayward nephew in an early “Golden Girls” episode.  Not helping?  He also had a recurring role on “Silver Spoons.”  His real name is Billy Jayne.  He played a coach on one episode of “The Bernie Mac Show” if that triggers any memories.  See, that’s why this needs to be on DVD.

The only other faces you may recognize are Principal Grace Musso.  She was played by Melanie Chartoff who was on “Get a Life” with Chris Elliott.  Um, that’s not on DVD either.

Okay… the big guy on campus, Larry Kubiak, was played by the guy who played the, um, big guy in “ER.”  His name is Abraham Benrubi.

Howzabout Parker’s little sister Sherry?  Maia Brewton was also in “Adventures in Babysitting.”  Remember?  She liked Thor?  Hilarious!

Okay, maybe Parker Lewis didn’t make much of a cultural impact, but it certainly was a product of its time.  Is it too much to ask for it to simply be a product?