It’s hard to believe that the man who created this, once upon a time a long time ago created this:
(SIDENOTE, BUT I”M SURE YOU DON’T CARE, BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER MAKE IT DOWN TO THIS PART DUE TO BEING TOO BUSY CLICKING ON ALL THE ABOVE THUMBNAIL IMAGES: George Lucas didn’t necessarily create the look, but he did want it based upon Frank Frazetta’s paintings.)
I searched for "wp.com," and I'll I got was this lousy t-shirt. Thanks, Bing!
Decision engine, my ass. There’s no decision to make here, Microsoft.
If you think I wanted Hewlett-Packard’s website, or a website about Poland, I would have typed HP or Poland. HP gets mentioned three times on one page, and WordPress’s abbreviated URL isn’t even mentioned once. Hmm. Where’s the ad revenue coming from? It’s not like Microsoft and HP have any common interests, do they? (For the record, Washington Post makes some sense, but their website is their name and not their initials, unlike WordPress.com!)
Decision engine sounds more like a retconning decision, as in “We have a crappy search engine… how can we explain why it’s that way?”
Decision engine. Fucking decision engine. I’ve decided to stick with Google. (BONUS: Outdated catchphrase coming up!) And that’s my final answer.
"Baaad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-Bing, big boo..." he might have crooned.
Well, El Guapo, though I may not really know what a plethora is, I do know when I’ve cracked one open and it’s spilling candy (oh – that’s a piñata).
Anyway, in all my perusing of the TripleDoubleU, I find so many videos that make me chuckle, it makes me weep.
So today, I’m sort of going for broke and offering up not ONE… not TWO… not THREE… not FOUR… not FIVE… video collections!
This has popped up on more than a few of the other websites I frequent, and I’ve watched it every time. I didn’t expect much from a simple, outdated premise, but it still makes me laugh.
I mean, the blatant racism disturbs me deeply.
Vodpod videos no longer available.
BONUS HIDDEN RACISM: This perfectly explains “the underwhelming meh” I felt after watching Avatar.
"Forehead and seven years ago..."
For some reason, the site Nic Cage as Everyone reminded me of this old video I never posted. But you need to know them both. Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Yay you!
(SIDENOTE: This is one whopper of a CoC, and I fear it is my greatest discovery.)
I love you, television.
There, I said it. Are you happy now? Be it that I’m an idiot for staring into your warming glow (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”) or because I suckle your glass nipple (if that’s how you want to take the term “boob tube”), please know this – you complete me.
Now that that’s out of my system, onto business! I’m sorry baby, but I’ve got work to do.
Two of my favorites shows on television had “mergers” a couple of seasons ago: Lost and The Office.
Lost had this happen in their second season, and the reason why, as producers explained, was to extend the show’s storyline if needed by adding more characters with new flashbacks (I know this from memory, and I’m paraphrasing because I’m too lazy to look it up). The “merger” involved having the survivors in the tail section of the crashed airplane join the remaining survivors. At the start of the third season, the season commitment contract was locked up, and almost all of the new cast members introduced the year prior were eliminated. Almost.
As for The Office, the third season had two branches “merging,” à la the UK (original) version’s second series (that’s what they call “seasons” across the pond). Unlike the British version, almost every new character quit out frustration with their new boss. Almost.
So by now, several seasons later, only two cheeses stood, um, alone.
Actor! Sam Anderson as Bernard Nadler
Actor! Ed Helms as Andy Bernard
So to recap… the two characters that survived massive cast “mergers” were both named Bernard. Do I smell a Coinkydink or is that a tinge of Coinkydonk?
BONUS COINKYDINK OR COINKYDONK: An Actor! by the combined name of Andy Nadler played a character named Barnard (sp?) in the independent film, The Guatemalan Handshake. Consider your mind blown.
I’ve had a plethora of strange dreams leading up to the new year, but just as the memories of yesteryear have faded, so did those dreams by the time I (finally) woke up. This one stuck with me.
"Welcome to My 'Ool - Notice There's No... Room"
There was a party going on at a castle, and I was keeping the free drinks coming (of course). A volleyball game was starting in the pool, but it was packed to the gills (pun!), and my interest in playing was circling down the drain (pun?).
Sure, it was only over-filled to volley for complete pool possession (the winning side got to play), but I’d already made my way indoors. I found a doorway that lead to a small underground city. It was kind of like the old game Doom…
With less monsters, and better graphics
…but more medieval, like a Renaissance Festival.
That's about the right amount of monsters
I was creeped out by the panhandlers and the merchants, so I returned upstairs to hit the free bar again (of course). It was upon reaching the inner sanctum of the castle that I stumbled upon an authentic pub. Or at least it was like a hotel version of one.
Aaron Eckhart and Anne Hathaway were there... for some reason
All of the sudden, from a hidden door behind the bar, Betty White emerged, looking like a (foreign) assassin. Or I guess it could have been a foreign assassin disguised to look like Betty White.
"Thank you for being a fiend..."
She grabbed Anne Hathaway and ducked back into the door. As Aaron Eckhart pursued, I finished my drink and followed. We were back in the caverns, but they looked more like the tunnel that bridges (pun!) Detroit and Windsor, than the dingy dungeon from before.
This is an old photo.
Except there were copious amounts of bees and rats.
This is a doctored photo.
Aaron was terrified of the bees and rats and was ready to turn back, when a chain of shopping carts started to roll at him. He held onto a bar above us as long as possible, but then he gave in a rode on top of them. I ended up doing the same because I wanted to recreate the only good scene my favorite scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
"It's mine cart now!" - dialogue cut from the final film
I caught up with Aaron and we decided to look for Anne. Then I woke up.
DREAM INGREDIENTS: I’m not sure. But this is the second dream I’ve recently had involving one of the last surviving Golden Girls…
Intel was years ahead of its time... (Happy New Year!)
Sorry for the graphic nature of this post. But it’s reality. And reality is graphic.
Enjoy the start of this new decade with a karaoke song about beer shits…
The beer shits (4x)
“You’ve gone too far this time”
But I’m sleeping on the hard cold tile
A puddle spilled out around me
Good chances it came from my inside
I’ll crawl cross the bathroom floor
There’s no way that I can stand oh oh
Last night I had a hard time deciding
To have one or two beers in my hands oh oh
CHORUS
Budwei-yi-yi-yi-yi-ser goes right through me
Miller Li-yi-yi-yi-ght cuts right through me
Coors Li-yi-yi-yi-yi-ght spills right through me
The beer shits is the morning after, keeping my rear parked
The beer shits is the discharged treasure that can be quite dark
And leaning over the bathtub isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the beer shits does
Leaves behind another set of skid marks
I’m on the bowl and I want to get off
Butt won’t slow down the flush roundabout
I drank the whole bar watching TV sets
Don’t want to be around when this gets out
CHORUS
Oh the beer shits what a game I’m playing with my innards
The beer shits is the discharged treasure that can be quite dark
And leaning over the bathtub isn’t that bizarre
Every little thing the beer shits does
Leaves behind another set of skid marks
Last year at this time, I decided to have a New Year’s Resolution Revolution and solve some problems. This year – I’m evaluating my decade. Everybody else is doin’ it, so why not me.
The end of the last decade was The Shit:
1999
The start of this decade:
2000
Nothing much. For ten years. Awesome.
(Not So) Artistic Representation
The above graph is representative of what my sister once told me:
Most people live in the real world and dip into the fantasy world. You [“I” – Ed.] do the exact opposite.
This past year, I think I might have joined the rest of the world.
I might have grown up.
And time will only tell if that’s Just Shitty…
It’s an end-of-the-year-decade evaluation of the year decade that’s come before. Long story short – there was nothing new.
The only things left to hit the mainstream were the very things that were once thought taboo, which explains Jenna Jameson’s widespread fame (no pun intended), the common knowledge of cougars and MILF‘s, and the over-sexualization of the underaged (i.e. countdown-to-age-eighteen clocks for the Olson Twins, Hayden Panettiere, Miley Cyrus, etc).
"If you like it, then you know it's got a ring to it..."
Gone are the days of truly independent filmmaking. (And BTW, I didn’t ask for 3D films to be brought back.) Hip-hop and rap break down barriers no more. Television turned game shows into reality programming, but did little else except compartmentalize audiences between channels. Everything has become corporatized to the point of homogenization.
“So what have the Aughts wrought us?”
Outside of the birth of a new medium boom of the Internet (known as the ol’ TripleDoubleU ’round hyeh), and the boon that was social networking (YouTube, Facebook, Friendster, et. al.), the web just offers another outlet for pre-existing formats.
So what rose from the ashes of the Y2K bug? One thing…
Although it technically was first heard in 1998, when Cher’s Believe* was torturing me via my alarm clock, while my face was smeared in a puddle of chunky pink Marguerita upchuck on my tiled bathroom floor (true story), it wasn’t until this decade that it took a foothold on almost everything on pop radio (list here).
She suffers from a rare case of "moonstruck."
From Faith Hill’s The Way You Love Me in 2000 all the way up to (though not including) Jay Z’s D.O.A. (Death of Auto-Tune), the 00’s could be remembered as the Aughto-Tune Decade (clever!), although outta-tune, auto-crooner Kanye West would probably like to think the decade belonged solely to him.
She suffers from a lack of attention.
My Prediction for the 10’s
Since Lady Gaga is the Cher of now, and IMHO she’s actually quite talented… and not to say Cher wasn’t talented… I guess what I’m saying is… keep an eye on her. She might set the next trend. Or not. Who do I look like, Phil Spector? (Don’t answer that.)
(SIDENOTE: I’m secretly rooting for Taylor Swift and her aw-shucksness to put the societal downward spiral on hold.)
*Another early auto-tuner was Kid Rock’s Only God Knows Why (1998). And it’s true – only God knows why Kid Rock hooked up with Pamela Anderson after finding out she had Hepatitis C. Perhaps he confused it with the vitamin…
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