The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Crappy Commercials

Posted on by sgottahurt

How bad would it feel to go from having a great guest spot as rapper Lil’ Kev on a popular TV show like It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia:

To having your voice over dubbed (or playing a voice actor’s body) in this TurboTax commercial:

Just Shitty, I’d imagine.  But compared to these other shittier commercials, this one is The Shit.

DUMB AS SHIT

Airborne Effervescent Tablets not only rip-off an old special effect from a 1992 movie, it contains one of the dumbest looking and sounding animated spokescharacters I’ve ever seen.  Mix that with the lawsuit Airborne faced a couple years ago regarding misleading advertising, and it wins being Dumb as Shit.  (I was going to make an inappropriate comment about the tablets not giving the woman her boobs back, but I opted not to.)

ANNOYING AS SHIT

I like the J. Geils Band, and I’m sure that Energizer Lithium Batteries work great, but the version of the music used in this ad drives me up the wall.  It butchers the hook, and keeps going and going and going…

CRAPPY AS SHIT

Happy’s Pizza is a local pizzeria (natch), and this is the commercial they ran around Halloween last year.  I’ve written about how poor their ad department is before, but this one takes the cake pizza pie.

The Silver Lining… The Heart Hand Gesture

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The HeartMark™ is trademarked?!

Trends.

They’re always stupid.  Pet rocks, sequenced gloves, pogs… and now this.  The inescapable heart hand gesture.  It’s everywhere.

Aeroswift™

But would you believe some lady “claims” to have the trademark on it?

This lady looks like she makes many "claims"...

She even licenses it out allegedly (although it just looks like she just made a list of places she’s seen it used and retroactively authorized it).

(SIDENOTE: Did she donate the gesture to Show Your Hearts?  It could be a tax write-off.)

My hope is that it actually is trademarked, and that she’s making bank on its pervasiveness.

I mean, what she claims is not impossible.  She could figured it out during a round of This is the church and this is the steeple gone bad.  I haven’t seen it in use until recent years, and it seems like a simple gesture to devise.

But was she the one who told Taylor Swift about it?  Because Swift claims she invented it, and her fans claim that Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, et. al. stole it from her.

All that matters is did this woman really trademark what she calls The HeartMark™?  Because I have an idea of my own:

My trademark... Deez Nuts™.

Happy Find… Just Watch This Apropos Of Nothing

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m not even going to preface this video.  Well, aside from prefacing with this non-preface.

Hibbidy-Wah?! Are You Effing Kidding Me?

Posted on by sgottahurt

No.

Seriously.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.

Click this picture to read the Amazon reviews.

I’m not about to jump on the bandwagon of slamming some misguided, self-righteous kid, but boy… do I want to.  This is one of those situations best illustrated by illustrations I made to defend Justin Bieber:

By hating on McKay Hatch and his No Cussing Club, you only make his message stronger.  But then he goes and makes videos like this, and it takes you somewhere completely different:

The only reason I know about him and his fruitless endeavor is because he came out against an episode of Modern Family in which the toddler Lily says:

Fudge.

That’s really what she said in real life.  Fudge.  They just bleeped it out like Jimmy Kimmel does in his Unnecessary Censorship:

And he wonders why he’s “the most cyberbullied kid in the world”?

Here are rational reasons why; here’s the irrational; and here’s one more.

Unofficial Trilogy… Sucked From Time Edition

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Flashing Lights, Grids, and Guns = Science Fiction

Millennium (1989)

This is the first of the films in which characters about to die are sucked from their impending doom and thrust into a surreal reality, or surreality™.  As you can see from the poster above, this one involves a plane.  Well, two planes.  And they’re about to crash into each other.  But all the passengers are already dead.  Because they were see the first sentence. It’s not the greatest film in the world, but if you enjoy Cheryl Ladd and Kris Kristofferson looking like this…

...then this pic's for you. Well, not this picture. I mean the motion picture. But I guess you could have this pic, too.

Freejack (1992)

The second film featuring a surreality™ doesn’t give away as much in the poster, other than its odd cast.  You might think the flick has to do something with virtual reality, which is strictly The Lawnmower Man’s territory (no it’s not), when in fact it deals with a man (Emilio Estevez) being pulled into the future before his race car crashes.  The reason why?  Sir Anthony Hopkins wants his body.  Seriously.  Estevez escapes and becomes a Freejack (aha!), and is chased by Mick Jagger looking like this:

He's got the goons like Jagger.

Gantz (2011)

If you enjoy subtitles and odd sci-fi action spread out over two movies, then these Japanese films are for you.  I haven’t seen the sequel yet (Gantz: Perfect Answer), so I don’t have any answers, perfect or otherwise, as to what the Gantz is.  Well, it’s a dude inside a giant black ball that pulls the almost deceased into a surreality™ where they dress up in rubber power suits and set out to kill a vast array of strange aliens.  Here’s a taste:

Natsuna Watanabe is easy on the Gantz.

Drunken Recollection… I Severely Miss #5 (Don’t Read This If You Work With Me!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

This is a badge of honor.

We finally had out holiday work party and… well, let me give you a quick back story first.

At my office, which is an IT firm based within another larger company, we guys always had a sad little game we played.  For all my years there, we ranked the women in the office on their level of attractiveness.  I know; I already mentioned it was a sad little game.

The thing is, we always placed one woman we worked with at #5 on the list of five, no matter how many attractive women we had working with us at any time.  If there were three – she was #5.  If there were six – the same.  (At least we were consistent.)

One thing that was also consistent about her was she enjoyed to drink.  Like me.  At company parties.  So long as we were both at company parties, neither of us felt particular embarrassed by our levels of intoxication.  In fact, sometimes we used to be able to bring others to our depths.

But she was let go last year.  This holiday party was the first one I attended at which she was not present.  I fear I am now the company drunk.  I would have added lone company drunk, but the the implies that.

Here's to you #5.

InASense, Lost… InASense, Confused… InASense, No Longer Hungry

Posted on by sgottahurt

This was originally going to be a simpler post.  A lackadaisical examination of Google’s search engine.  An uncovering of why any time you type in an actress’ name the second search result is her name +feet.  But then this happened:

And the Masters of the Microwave

I watched the original version in Italian on their website, and it confounded me.  I hoped the subtitled version would help… and… well… check it out for yourself:

Coinkydink Or Coinkdonk? 50 First Rachel McAdams’ Notebooks

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Rachel McAdams… why can’t you get into better movies?

Her latest is a Channing Tatum film. A Channing Tatum film.

The Vow may be based on a true story, but it’s like a story we’ve heard before.  (But doesn’t this happen all the time in Hollywood?)

Take the end game of The Notebook:

She’s an elderly Alzheimer’s patient, and the whole movie is her husband telling their life story, which was also based on a true story (oops, I forget to put SPOILER ALERT!)

And mix it with this flick:

And you get The Vow:

Channing Tatum plays the husband to Rachel McAdams’ amnesic wife, and he doesn’t know how to act… just like in real-life.

See – it is a true story!

A Handful Of… “Color”-ful Movies

Posted on by sgottahurt

What color sounds like the least exciting color?  Give up?  Howzabout:

The Boring

So, as is par for the course on this website, I got to thinking… how many movies are named after colors much more exciting sounding than The Grey?  Let’s see by checking out A Handful Of… “Color”-ful Movies.

  • RED

RED... featuring some ORANGE.

I could have went with some other titles like Red Dawn, Red Riding Hood, Red State, the current film Red Tails, or the French film Rouge, but I chose this one, which is actually an acronym for Retired and Extremely Dangerous.  But my point is proven so far… RED sounds so much better than The Grey.

  • A Clockwork Orange

I prefer my clockworks to be green.

I’ve never seen this Stanley Kubrick classic, but as a student of film (not that great of one if I haven’t seen A Clockwork Orange), I am familiar with enough of it to know this was a better choice than Orange County to go against The Grey.

  • Yellowbeard

You have to take this poster's word that he has a yellow beard.

Yellow is a tough sell for movie titles, so this is the best I’ve got.  I could have chosen Yellow Submarine or the Swedish film I Am Curious (Yellow), but come on… Yellowbeard is about pirates!  Sure, it was made before pirates were (are?) cool, so The Grey can walk the plank!  Aaargh!

  • Green Lantern

Sometimes green means stop.

Green Lantern was a tough pick, especially against such examples of “greenness” as Green Zone, The Green Hornet, The Green Mile, and Green Street Hooligans.  Maybe I should have picked Green Street Hooligans.  The Grey is only slightly less better than Green Lantern…

  • Deep Blue Sea

Hey! Look out for that

Samuel L. Jackson makes a lot of things automatically better, and since he wasn’t in The Blue Lagoon, Blue Velvet, Blue Valentine, the French film Bleu, or the Swedish film I Am Curious (Blue), Deep Blue Sea blows The Grey out of the water.

  • The Color Purple

Again, my favorite color for clockworks.

Okay… so The Color Purple wasn’t my first choice to battle The Grey, but Purple Rain or The Purple Rose of Cairo don’t sound like they’d fare much better.  Purple might be the color of kings, but when it comes to movies, it’s a notch better than grey.

Now if Liam Neeson’s latest was called The Gray, it’d be a completely different story…