When we last left off, I was imagining, well, check the last post…
The wondering about how someone could pass out from trying to pass something parlayed into the training pants story: Apparently, somewhere not far from Lansing, there’s a strip club where guys can pay plenty to take a shower with two nude girls. It could be one of those urban legends at MSU because no one had ever been there, but everyone knew someone that had. The catch? Guys had to wear adult size training pants over their drawers, for whatever this recollection’s worth.
The importance of this part is that it lead to what both of these posts was all about – how cool would it be to run over things with a steamroller?
Here’s a short list of things we wanted to flatten (in no particular order):
A watermelon – this worked for Letterman when he dropped things off his roof
A regular TV – picture tube and all
A flatscreen TV – why not?
A metal garbage can – because how else do you throw out a garbage can
An aluminum baseball bat – like a penny on the train track
A lava lamp – ooh, the colors…
The statue of Joe Lewis’s Fist – that would finally make it a piece of art
In the many, many random discussions I have with friends and family, there’s one I had awhile ago that I can’t quite shake.
Over the course of the ramblings (mind you, these topics flowed seamlessly into each other somehow), my cousin, Steve, and I touched upon Vh1’s “Freakiest Concert Moments,” wearing plastic training pants in a strip club, and how to go about renting a steamroller.
About the Vh1 special: Apparently, some band made a bet with their manager and he lost, or they won (I cannot find this story anywhere… plus I cannot watch Vh1 – except for “Surreal Life”). Anythewho, the manager (or agent) had to hang upside down over the drummer nude during the show. The band forgot about him and by the time they remembered, he had passed out. I was expecting the tale to end with his eyes shooting out of his head, or to discover he suffered some serious brain damage (more than the drugs that caused the bet to go through ever could). The true finale is even better. He had passed out quite early during the show because he was trying to shit on the drummer to get his attention. He tried so hard it made him pass out.
I tried to imagine how one might go about shitting while upside down. You would obviously have to try to grab your ankles, right? In order to aim down? Because the last thing you’d want to experience while hanging upside down in the buff is to feel a trail of your own crap running up your back and into your hair. I’m just saying.
(The rest of this exciting JusWondering to follow later… And if anyone has a clue which rock band this happened to, please comment below!)
I have a love/hate (or would that be LUVH8) relationship with personalized license plates, and I’ve never been sure exactly why. Part of me thinks of it as a game with my fellow road warriors, a la “Bumper Stumpers.” Another part is reminded of txtspk, and sometimes that gmg (“gets my goat”… come on, I’m trying to start one).
The reason that txtspk can drive me crazy goes back to the game show – wtf does some of that shit rly mean? (Well, that, and some of the stuff that makes sense makes little sense.)
Examples: On my road trip to Chitown, I passed a couple of peeps w/ personalized plates.
FLINX – Fuck links… do you hate golf? Is your name Flin X (which I’d admit would be pretty cool)? SAF – Shitty Ass Fuck indeed… initials are stupid NVMEEE– Sooo original u needed 3 E’s BLZR98 – Not on a ’98 Blazer – ironic? (ARTS BRD on a Thunderbird and 06SMART on a ’06 Smart car – not ironic)
I know a lot has already been taken, and you are limited in your space, but here are some of the faves I’ve seen through the years:
PB4UGO – This one took a bit of brain shifting because my first thought was “Peanut butter for you, go” IM1RU12 – This one had a surrounding plate holder declaring the driver was an alumnus from that particular school… though normally I’m not a fan of school spirit after you’ve left school (I’m bitter that way), I thought this was clever enough to include mostly because they were quick enough to get it first IGODWN2 – This one is especially humorous to me because I happened upon it one night I was driving around, soul searching… my eyes focused on GOD first and I smiled… my smile grew bigger when I noticed the rest
As powerful as expected, President Elect Barack Obama gave his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park last night. My sister, Becky, was there to witness it as it happened.
I was just there over the weekend, as I mentioned in another post, to see the Lions get beat by the Bears, barely. (I was wearing my #20 Seanders jersey, and you better believe I was the nicest guy in Soldier Field ever, but I digress.) I was kind of waiting for the inevitable to happen before I revealed this, but… I found a copy of Obama’s first draft of the speech.
It turned up in a trash bin outside of a Potbelly near Michigan Avenue. What was I doing looking in the trash, you might wonder, and rather than let your mind wander, I’ll share this… my sister threw out half of her cookie I totally would have eaten!
Some highlights from the speech, followed by excerpts of the alleged first draft:
He opened the speech with talk of the American dream, and about the people that waited in record lines to vote.
It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.
He originally planned to finish that statement with this: “…of states of confusion and states of clarity.”
After more positivity, he spoke about his opponent:
Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.
I thought this part would have been nice had he kept it: “And wasn’t he great on Saturday Night Live? The part about the Joe action figures, and the pork knives… heck, the whole thing was pretty hilarious.”
I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.
“Oh, and thanks, again Senator for choosing the Governor as your running mate. Really, really thanks.”
He goes on to thank Vice President Elect Joe Biden, his wife, his children, his grandmother that passed away the day before the election, and the rest of his family. Then he brought up his friends.
And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America. To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.
“And Bill… you know who you are, and where you are. Whether you’re above ground, or underground.”
But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.
“And to you, and you, and you… (point at random people for about ten minutes).”
The remainder pretty much remained the same, except for the very ending.
This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.
Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.
“And thanks for taking a chance on me.” Then he planned to close with one of these songs:
Or Flo Rida’s hit:
(Full actual transcript from CNN here. Full actual video of speech here.)
To follow up my Brett Ratner rant on this Election Night, I thought I might present something that, um, could very well be perceived as un-PC (and I don’t mean Mac, Justin Long!)
Although the dialogue track is lifted from “Rush Hour,” to find it edited into “Return of the Jedi” – it makes it actually pretty funny.
The genius that is Brett Ratner – I’m not even smart enough to find the words. His originality is unmatched; his levels of depth unfathomable. (Ha! A pun!) He is the answer to our unanswerable prayers.
Oh, yeah… Did I forget to mention today is Opposite Day? (Except when it comes to voting… It’s so Opposite Day that it’s NOT Opposite Day… whoa, deep…)
This is technically the fourth video that’s exactly the same… much like his “Rush Hour” movies. Click here for the athletes version and here for the American Idols commercials.
God, he infuriates me. But perhaps he’s worth what he’s paid… look at all the attention I’m giving him.
BONUS: Now with a fifth commercial (Director’s Cut)! It must have been difficult to get a German underwear model to dance in next to nothing… I don’t know how Brettcrack does it.
So that got me thinking… how many other stupid records are out there? Over the Halloween weekend, I visited my sister, Becky, in Chicago. On the ride there, my cousin, Steve, and I got into a discussion about “Seinfeld,” which inevitably lead to bringing up baked bean teeth.
All those chairs... and rope lights! Yum!
Comme des hors d oeuvres
Steve said he once knew of a man who had bean teeth, and he and his friends swore the man could eat a plane. I didn’t get it, but he said some guy was in Guinness for eating an airplane, and he had bean teeth. He said it took four months (in actuality, it took two years), but I was super-impressed because I pictured a 747 (in actuality, it was a Cessna 150).
Anywingsandall, my thirst to find more dumb things people will do to set a record intensified. I planned to scour the web for hours or days (hey, maybe I could set that record), but then I found video of this.
And that should do it for me. This is why the only things people should try to break are accompanied by crashing sounds.
(If you want to, you can check more stuff out here.)
Not pictured: Richard Chamberlain... Pictured: floating child head
In a high rise, um, high above Gotham, Bruce Wayne and I were speaking with a third party about investing in the future.
“Stride bubblegum,” Bruce began. “It’s the taste of the future.”
“And the future is now,” I added.
Bubblegum was growing in petri dishes, and our guest wasn’t sold. As it turned out, he didn’t have the funds to cover such an investment. That’s when I pulled out a Capital One credit card.
“It’s the credit card of the future,” Bruce uttered without further prompting.
I merely nodded this time. As our potential business partner contemplated his next move, an alram sounded through the city (I guess the bat signal wasn’t enough.) Bruce excused himself.
Soon, there was a giant Shogun Warrior (by Mattel) roaming Gotham’s streets. I wondered, “How will Batman defeat this monstrosity?”
With a Bat Gundam of course. (This could happen. Check here.)
BONUS: Halloween advice from a dream over the weekend – if you want to make a bowl of M&M’s last longer, try cutting them all in half.
INGREDIENTS: Ten hours of surfing the 3x2xU since I was out of town all weekend, coupled with a GladWare storage container full of five-day old Kraft spaghetti.
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