JusWondering… Unexplainable Crushes

Posted on by sgottahurt

CRUSH #1
judgemilian

Exhibit "Ay... how you doin'?"

Don’t judge me on this short list of unexplainable crushes… unless you’re Judge Marilyn Milian, of course.  As the host of People’s Court, Judge Milian hands out her decisions with a sexy rasp (and huge gold hoop earrings) every weekday, and I get weak in the knees.  Whenever I catch her show, I can’t catch my breath.  It’s not uncommon for me to wonder what she’s wearing under that robe… (I’m thinking, three-piece pantsuit… you?)

CRUSH #2

meghanmccain

McCain is McAble (I don't know what that's meant to imply... I'm still in pun mode)

As it was with the political-minded girls in high school (and especially college), Meghan McCain is no exception to the “she’s cute but kinda annoying” rule.  Whether on Fox News or the Colbert Report, unless you’re really interested in her viewpoints, I have a crush on her more because she’s so passionate about “things” that I guess are kinda important, than because of what her stances are on said “things.”  Sexist?  Probably.  But unless Meghan’s telling me why (or a comely coed, for that matter), I’m not listening.  Well, I’m not listening either way, at least for some, I’d pretend.

CRUSH #3

As for my crush on Kseniya Simonova… I still don’t know much about her other than this video.  Perhaps the performance is explanation enough:

CRUSH #4

Erin+Esurance

Pink hair is so 2000-late, but Erin still works it well.

I have no excuse for my crush on Erin Esurance, but be warned: do not Google Image her with SafeSearch off.

Drunken Recollection… Sports Cars, Semis, And Use Of The Word “Better”

Posted on by sgottahurt

It was the best of Miller Lites; it was the worst of Miller Lites.  In other words, drinking with friends has its good days; drinking with friends has its bad days.  Here are the examples…

BEST

My good ol’ buddy Jay and I were discussing the state of the world one day, when he begin trying out some new philosophy he was developing.  I don’t quite remember the details as he worked through them, but my translation of what he was trying to say was this:

Women are sports cars and men are semi rigs.  Men prefer their women to be a two-seater, i.e. they’ve only been with one guy – that guy.  Men, as trucks, are also two-seaters, but if they have an extensive history in their trailer, it shouldn’t be a surprise to their lady friend.

There was some part about women being minivans and another deal about a bunch of guys hanging off of a sports car, but that’s the gist of it.  Do I get it?  Do I agree?  Only if I get to be a helicopter.

Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"

Men are from Mars, Women are from "Cars"

 WORST

It’s hard to get my goat but Jay got my goat good.  All I know is that the discussion slipped into an argument (a one-sided argument most likely) about there being more than one way to use the word “better.”

My stance:

There’s a “better” that expresses an opinion, and there’s a “better” that expresses fact.

Opinion “better” – G.I. Joe is a better movie than Transformers 2.
Fact “better” – Water is better to drink than oil.

A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can

A Freudian Psychologist's Dream Dream a.k.a. The Baroness Can-Can

 Until the next brewsing…

Worth 1002 Words… Squirrel Photobomb Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

Got Nuts?

Say Acorn!

 Some alternatures:

  • Lovers’ Squirrel
  • F-Stopping By
  • Got Nuts?
  • Wandering Rodent
  • Squirrel, Interrupted

Hey Avatar, Meet Delgo…

Posted on by sgottahurt

The new preview for James Cameron’s Avatar reminds me of something…  It was another pet project that spent way too much money and didn’t quite wow.  What was it called?

(BONUS!  An extensive article from The Onion’s AV Club about Delgo, and a thorough breakdown of Avatar’s preview courtesy of Spout Blog.)

Vodpod videos no longer available.  

more about “Avatar Trailer – Trailer Addict“, posted with vodpod

Musical Musings… Taylor Swift’s Sk8r Boi

Posted on by sgottahurt

taylor-swift

Taylor Made In Heaven

I might be setting myself up for ridicule here, but I sure do enjoy the lilting voice of Taylor Swift.  (I’ve talked about her before, and thus handed in my man card.)

I enjoy women singers in general, but the ones that write their own material… they really get through to me.  My stonewalled heart crumbles for these ladies, so go ahead and pick away while my guards are down.

On that note (pun!), allow me to get to my latest musing…

While watching the music video for Taylor’s new song, You Belong With Me, I was reminded of another (though not-quite-as-lilting) songstress… Avril Lavigne.  Namely, her tune Sk8r Boi kickflipped into my brain. 

Both songs deal with the same idea of a guy with the wrong girl and the right girl is right in front of you, but at second glance (the visual as opposed to the aural), I was reminded moreso of a different diddy: Girlfriend (which in turn ripped off the Rubinoos’ I Want To Be Your Boyfriend, but I digress).

Both videos feature multiple performances by the singer with different colored hairstyles, and in each video, their alter egos fight over a boy.  (Christina Aguilera did the same thing in her Candyman video, as did Britney Spears in Toxic, although they weren’t competing with themselves.  I think Mariah Carey did it once, too, but that’s where I’m drawing my line of research.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is two things:

  1. I like Taylor Swift’s version of the age old, um, video (because she’s cute).
  2. I’m changing my desktop background to this (because she’s cute):
youbelongwithmonkey

Didn't intend for this image to be so creepy...

sk8rmunki

"I said C U L8R, Avril..." - sk8rmunki (my old desktop background)

Happy Find… A Guide To Getting Yourself Beat Up Trying To Be Cool

Posted on by sgottahurt

I want to kick everyone’s ass involved in the making of this video.  Fucking seriously.  Watch it and tell me you don’t feel the rage:

The above clip (which should have been called How To Be A Spaz!) exists courtesy of a site I’m looking forward to exploring further called Video Home System, and that’s the true Happy Find.  (Must remember to watch Show Off! anytime I need to get pumped up for a game of murderball, or actual murder… breathe… breathe…)

They share the similarly lofty goal that Everything is Terrible and Videogum, um, share:

To shed light on the unbearable world of previously produced crap, let it dry out in the sun, and hopefully grow some hallucinogenic mushrooms for consumption by all. 

(Truer words have never been spoken… by me.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

Posted on by sgottahurt

From shitty to shittier indeed...

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb.  I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers.  Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants.  The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!)  Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial?  I smell no sense of adventure.  I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other.  It’s all tell, and no show!  Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?!  Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?!  And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway.  (It was free…)  Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters.  It was all I had.  She made a face, and I left.  Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays?  Cigarettes?  No.  A beer at the bar?  No.  Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew?  Sometimes.  Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

InASense, Lost… Getting Drunk With The Tiny Toons

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where's the Sunny D and purple stuff?

Where's the Sunny D and purple stuff?

I just read an interesting fact idea this week.  I don’t recall it verbatim, but the gist was this:

If alcoholic products were invented today, they’d never make it through to market.

One might think this is interesting, poignant, and sobering (these might all be redundant, but I’m too lazy, sluggish, and apathetic to double-check), but I find it harrowing.  If it wasn’t invented oh-so-long ago by the monks, Jesus, the French, and Siberians, booze might have to be procured by illegal means.  And what would I do at the bar and sporting events were that the case?  More importantly, how would ugly people do the kamanawanaleia?

And as a bystander caught in the crossfire of a ripple in the time-space continuum that lead lead to alcohol’s disappearance, this Tiny Toons cartoon would have never existed:

This bit came from an episode entitled Elephant Issues, and as far as I’ve looked into it, it’s only aired once in this country (September 18, 1991).

A few problems I found with the segment:

  • When I had my first sip of beer, I got “the shakes” which was not depicted well by the characters.  Nowadays, I call that shaking “getting my groove on.”
  • After one sip, they all start belching to a tune.  I don’t know about the ladies out there, but to myself and most men, belching in key is a big selling point for beer.
  • The references to bars and money and martini glasses feels incomplete.  Where are the silhouettes of strippers?  Amiright?
  • If that bottle was a forty, I’d believe it could last that long and trash a couple of kids animals Tiny Toons.  But I’ve seen them get shot in the face, fall off cliffs, and get blown up by dynamite.  One 12 oz. bottle… not buying it.
  • And about that solo 12 oz. bottle being the only thing in the fridge at the beginning… that looked a lot like my fridge!
  • The entire thing is in insulting to hobos and drunks everywhere.
  • And man, was that animation kinda crappy, or what?

I think Buster, Hampton, and Plucky need the Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? The Battle To “Turnover” A New Leaf

Posted on by sgottahurt

An explanation may be required: Coinkydink = Coincidence and Coinkydonk = Not.  Happy now?

newlionsbest

Came in second as the new team logo

The play book that was successful

The play that scored

Today the new and “improved” Detroit Lions make their debut against the Atlanta Falcons in the first game of the preseason.  Considering the Lions haven’t won a game in quiiiiite awhile, do they have it in them to win?

They haven’t won in so long that a play was produced earlier this year in Los Angeles entitled Lions.  Its plot synopsis:

It’s the 2007 NFL season and the Detroit Lions are on a winning streak — unfortunately John Waite is not. With his lifelong friends at The Tenth Ward Club, he places his hopes on his team, and attempts to escape the creeping demise of his city, and of his way of life.

If anyone remembers that season, it’s the one that started with a winning bang (8-0), peaking with the 44-7 win over the Denver Broncos, then ended with only one more win out of the eight remaining games.  And how could you forget a completely winless 2008 season?

Here’s where the Coinkydink or Coinkydonk sneaks in… former Falcon quarterback Michael Vick just signed to play for the Philadelphia Eagles, so he’s back in the news after being released from jail for underground dog fighting and animal abuse.  Both teams have some dark recent history to overcome, and in this game, who will rise to the challenge?

So is it fate?  Or just the luck of the draw?

Hibbidy-Wah?! The Worst Song You May Ever Hear

Posted on by sgottahurt

Play him off, cat piano!

Play him off, cat piano!

By now it’s safe to say that almost everyone has heard about keyboard cat (or should it be Keyboard Cat, like a proper name).  Within a few more days, it will be equally safe to assume that everyone will have heard of the above contraption called the katzenklavier, or in English, the cat piano.  Okay, maybe that meme won’t hit as big, but it doesn’t make its concept any less shocking.

Basically, the way it works was this:

Cats (or picture kittens to make it more horrific) are arranged according to the tone of their meow (or in this case, whine… not to be confused with “case of wine” which of course would go well cheese, and mice like cheese… um, what was I talking about?)  Then their tails are stretched out and fastened underneath each of the device’s keys, and under each key – a nail.  I think you can figure the rest out.

Don’t worry.  They’re barely in existence anymore.  Only singers like Miley Cyrus and groups like the Jonas Brothers still make use of them.

And speaking of brothers, it’s about time to get to the Worst Song You May Ever Hear!  (Not to be confused with Worst Band Ever!)  Performed by the Wilburn Brothers (and oh, will they) in 1959, Knoxville Girl isn’t just bad… it’s wrong.

(via Heartless Doll)