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The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Algebra(s) And Calculus(t)

Posted on by sgottahurt

Not to brag, but I was quite the whipper-snapper at math in high school.  In the honors program, A’s were the norm (there was one errant B in the third quarter of trigonometry), and I found out after graduation that my peers had a bet going if the valedictorian or I would score higher on the advanced placement test (more of them picked me than her… I earned a 5 out of 5, and I assume she did, too… but still… me > her).

Boasting does not become me, and since I’ve painted myself Just Sh–ty after claiming I was The Sh–, it’s time for me to deflect, quick!

So, yeah, math.  It used to be pretty cool to “know” and “understand” how to solve problems without calculators, to me at least.  It’s like history in that way – if you don’t learn from it, you’re doomed to repeat it.  Well, maybe not, but my point is this:

Kids today have it easy. 

Too easy?  I wouldn’t go that far.  In reality, does anyone really need to know how to _____ without computers?  In reality, kids today need to know more about the birds and the bees, than tangents and cosines, or in other words, more about f—ing than functions.

Over the past year, there has not been 1, nor 2, nor 3, nor 4, nor 5, but at least 6 (!) math (!) teachers that have been found guilty of becoming involved with their students.  That doesn’t add up.  (Sorry, had to.)

(Keep in mind the St. in front of each prof’s name represents Sex teacher, not Saint.  Did you buy it?)

BONUS!

Hibbidy-Wah?! The Test That Proved How Amazing It Is I Can Survive Each Day

Posted on by sgottahurt

You may or may not have taken the “Awareness Test” before, but I couldn’t suggest it more.  It was put together by this country’s forefathers’ forefathers’ (and foremothers’) decendents, over yonder, across the pond.  (I’m talkin’ ’bout the Brits, you idiot!)

Anywhosyerforedaddy, I failed the test.  Terribly.  See how well you fare:

Awful Battle… Inappropriateness, Now With Kids!

Posted on by sgottahurt

Today’s competitors aren’t exactly on level ground.  One’s a movie trailer (wait for the fart), one’s a movie scene (watch the whole thing), and one’s a re-edited masterpiece that borders on annoying until the money shot payoff (skip to the end if you can’t wait).  The latter is by my heroes over at Everything is Terrible; the formers are all real.

(BONUS!  A re-edit of Gooby as a horror film.)

AWFUL BATTLE… GO!

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JusWondering… Unexplainable Crushes

Posted on by sgottahurt

CRUSH #1
judgemilian

Exhibit "Ay... how you doin'?"

Don’t judge me on this short list of unexplainable crushes… unless you’re Judge Marilyn Milian, of course.  As the host of People’s Court, Judge Milian hands out her decisions with a sexy rasp (and huge gold hoop earrings) every weekday, and I get weak in the knees.  Whenever I catch her show, I can’t catch my breath.  It’s not uncommon for me to wonder what she’s wearing under that robe… (I’m thinking, three-piece pantsuit… you?)

CRUSH #2

meghanmccain

McCain is McAble (I don't know what that's meant to imply... I'm still in pun mode)

As it was with the political-minded girls in high school (and especially college), Meghan McCain is no exception to the “she’s cute but kinda annoying” rule.  Whether on Fox News or the Colbert Report, unless you’re really interested in her viewpoints, I have a crush on her more because she’s so passionate about “things” that I guess are kinda important, than because of what her stances are on said “things.”  Sexist?  Probably.  But unless Meghan’s telling me why (or a comely coed, for that matter), I’m not listening.  Well, I’m not listening either way, at least for some, I’d pretend.

CRUSH #3

As for my crush on Kseniya Simonova… I still don’t know much about her other than this video.  Perhaps the performance is explanation enough:

CRUSH #4

Erin+Esurance

Pink hair is so 2000-late, but Erin still works it well.

I have no excuse for my crush on Erin Esurance, but be warned: do not Google Image her with SafeSearch off.

Hey Avatar, Meet Delgo…

Posted on by sgottahurt

The new preview for James Cameron’s Avatar reminds me of something…  It was another pet project that spent way too much money and didn’t quite wow.  What was it called?

(BONUS!  An extensive article from The Onion’s AV Club about Delgo, and a thorough breakdown of Avatar’s preview courtesy of Spout Blog.)

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Musical Musings… Taylor Swift’s Sk8r Boi

Posted on by sgottahurt

taylor-swift

Taylor Made In Heaven

I might be setting myself up for ridicule here, but I sure do enjoy the lilting voice of Taylor Swift.  (I’ve talked about her before, and thus handed in my man card.)

I enjoy women singers in general, but the ones that write their own material… they really get through to me.  My stonewalled heart crumbles for these ladies, so go ahead and pick away while my guards are down.

On that note (pun!), allow me to get to my latest musing…

While watching the music video for Taylor’s new song, You Belong With Me, I was reminded of another (though not-quite-as-lilting) songstress… Avril Lavigne.  Namely, her tune Sk8r Boi kickflipped into my brain. 

Both songs deal with the same idea of a guy with the wrong girl and the right girl is right in front of you, but at second glance (the visual as opposed to the aural), I was reminded moreso of a different diddy: Girlfriend (which in turn ripped off the Rubinoos’ I Want To Be Your Boyfriend, but I digress).

Both videos feature multiple performances by the singer with different colored hairstyles, and in each video, their alter egos fight over a boy.  (Christina Aguilera did the same thing in her Candyman video, as did Britney Spears in Toxic, although they weren’t competing with themselves.  I think Mariah Carey did it once, too, but that’s where I’m drawing my line of research.)

I guess what I’m trying to say is two things:

  1. I like Taylor Swift’s version of the age old, um, video (because she’s cute).
  2. I’m changing my desktop background to this (because she’s cute):
youbelongwithmonkey

Didn't intend for this image to be so creepy...

sk8rmunki

"I said C U L8R, Avril..." - sk8rmunki (my old desktop background)

Happy Find… A Guide To Getting Yourself Beat Up Trying To Be Cool

Posted on by sgottahurt

I want to kick everyone’s ass involved in the making of this video.  Fucking seriously.  Watch it and tell me you don’t feel the rage:

The above clip (which should have been called How To Be A Spaz!) exists courtesy of a site I’m looking forward to exploring further called Video Home System, and that’s the true Happy Find.  (Must remember to watch Show Off! anytime I need to get pumped up for a game of murderball, or actual murder… breathe… breathe…)

They share the similarly lofty goal that Everything is Terrible and Videogum, um, share:

To shed light on the unbearable world of previously produced crap, let it dry out in the sun, and hopefully grow some hallucinogenic mushrooms for consumption by all. 

(Truer words have never been spoken… by me.)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

Posted on by sgottahurt

From shitty to shittier indeed...

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb.  I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers.  Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants.  The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!)  Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial?  I smell no sense of adventure.  I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other.  It’s all tell, and no show!  Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?!  Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?!  And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway.  (It was free…)  Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters.  It was all I had.  She made a face, and I left.  Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays?  Cigarettes?  No.  A beer at the bar?  No.  Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew?  Sometimes.  Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

InASense, Lost… Getting Drunk With The Tiny Toons

Posted on by sgottahurt

Where's the Sunny D and purple stuff?

Where's the Sunny D and purple stuff?

I just read an interesting fact idea this week.  I don’t recall it verbatim, but the gist was this:

If alcoholic products were invented today, they’d never make it through to market.

One might think this is interesting, poignant, and sobering (these might all be redundant, but I’m too lazy, sluggish, and apathetic to double-check), but I find it harrowing.  If it wasn’t invented oh-so-long ago by the monks, Jesus, the French, and Siberians, booze might have to be procured by illegal means.  And what would I do at the bar and sporting events were that the case?  More importantly, how would ugly people do the kamanawanaleia?

And as a bystander caught in the crossfire of a ripple in the time-space continuum that lead lead to alcohol’s disappearance, this Tiny Toons cartoon would have never existed:

This bit came from an episode entitled Elephant Issues, and as far as I’ve looked into it, it’s only aired once in this country (September 18, 1991).

A few problems I found with the segment:

  • When I had my first sip of beer, I got “the shakes” which was not depicted well by the characters.  Nowadays, I call that shaking “getting my groove on.”
  • After one sip, they all start belching to a tune.  I don’t know about the ladies out there, but to myself and most men, belching in key is a big selling point for beer.
  • The references to bars and money and martini glasses feels incomplete.  Where are the silhouettes of strippers?  Amiright?
  • If that bottle was a forty, I’d believe it could last that long and trash a couple of kids animals Tiny Toons.  But I’ve seen them get shot in the face, fall off cliffs, and get blown up by dynamite.  One 12 oz. bottle… not buying it.
  • And about that solo 12 oz. bottle being the only thing in the fridge at the beginning… that looked a lot like my fridge!
  • The entire thing is in insulting to hobos and drunks everywhere.
  • And man, was that animation kinda crappy, or what?

I think Buster, Hampton, and Plucky need the Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue!

Hibbidy-Wah?! The Worst Song You May Ever Hear

Posted on by sgottahurt

Play him off, cat piano!

Play him off, cat piano!

By now it’s safe to say that almost everyone has heard about keyboard cat (or should it be Keyboard Cat, like a proper name).  Within a few more days, it will be equally safe to assume that everyone will have heard of the above contraption called the katzenklavier, or in English, the cat piano.  Okay, maybe that meme won’t hit as big, but it doesn’t make its concept any less shocking.

Basically, the way it works was this:

Cats (or picture kittens to make it more horrific) are arranged according to the tone of their meow (or in this case, whine… not to be confused with “case of wine” which of course would go well cheese, and mice like cheese… um, what was I talking about?)  Then their tails are stretched out and fastened underneath each of the device’s keys, and under each key – a nail.  I think you can figure the rest out.

Don’t worry.  They’re barely in existence anymore.  Only singers like Miley Cyrus and groups like the Jonas Brothers still make use of them.

And speaking of brothers, it’s about time to get to the Worst Song You May Ever Hear!  (Not to be confused with Worst Band Ever!)  Performed by the Wilburn Brothers (and oh, will they) in 1959, Knoxville Girl isn’t just bad… it’s wrong.

(via Heartless Doll)