Dear Television,
Please note that I never want to see the following now or ever again:
Who is this ad for, Kayak? Is that the owner’s parents?
Aarrrrgh!
I recently saw this commercial, and it gave me pause…
“Is this the new record scratch?” I wondered.
This meaning suddenly hit by bus.
So I started thinking about where this trend began, and I think I can link it back to The Hit that I think is The Shit.
THE SHIT
MEET JOE BLACK (1998)
Sure, it’s not a bus, but it was shocking – and eventually entertaining? Most of all, it was first.
THE PINCHLINE
MEAN GIRLS (2004)
HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (2008)
GHOST TOWN (2008)
These accidents are used for comedic effect. What the fuck is wrong with us America? (See the Ghost Town clip in the montage below.)
THE PLOP DEVICE
STRANGER THAN FICTION (2006)
LOST (2007)
Dramatic tension is high, and these scenes drive the plot, so… why couldn’t the Will Ferrell hit been less real and more ha-ha?
THE FART NOISE (IT’S SO OBVIOUS)
FINAL DESTINATION (2000)
THE TURD VERSION OF THE PLOP DEVICE
FELICITY (1999)
NIP/TUCK (2006)
These really aren’t that interesting, so check out the montage below.
JUST SHITTY
BUBBLE BOY (2001)
Hey look! Zack Galifianakis! Just don’t look at the rest of it.
PHANTOM POOPERS
CONTAGION (2011)
DEXTER (2012)
These are too new to be found anywhere, butt they’d probably fall under PLOP DEVICE since one had a contagious kid get smashed and the other had a serial killer get smashed. I’ll let you guess which one each belonged to.
MONTAGES (there has to be a pun in there somewhere…)
Got it! MOONTAGES!
I’ve mentioned it before (here and here), and I’ll mention it again – I have a very short list of serious fears. Irrational? That list would go on forever.
I’m really beginning to rethink that order because there’s a certain type of aliens that might be the worst. But I’ll get to that in a second. Here’s the preview for what I might find the scariest movie ever made! Oh yeah… it’s called Dark Skies:
I can’t find the newest preview (nor do I really want to try that hard), but in that one, it seems that this film is about BEK’s. That’s short for Black Eyed Kids. Oh, I wish I could make a joke about the Black Eyed Peas right now, believe me.
You can click here for a Google image search of them for your own, but an image search alone won’t do it justice. Howzabout a couple of stories from the ol’ TripleDoubleU to unsettle you in…
These strange Black Eyed Children, who can appear or vanish at a moment’s notice, seem to be between the ages of 8 and 16. Their skin is pale or pasty colored, described by some as looking plastic or artificial, and their mannerisms are odd. Witnesses describe their clothing as odd and drab – blue jeans and a hoodie or very old-fashioned, handmade clothing. Bizarre electrical phenomena occurs when they are around, such as a garage door inexplicably opening.
- When a man in Dallas arrived home, he saw a boy at his door who repeated “I think it’s food time. You should invite me inside.” The man’s protective pit bull came running toward the front door, but as it got closer to the boy, it whimpered and ran away, hiding under the bed for days afterward.
- A man named Paul was home alone when someone knocked on this door. He opened it and saw two kids about 10 years old standing on his steps with their heads down. They said, “Hey, we just thought we’d stop in for a bit.” The kids insisted they be let into the house. Thinking they had the wrong house, Paul stepped forward to get a better look and made eye contact. Their eyes were solid black, including the sclera.
Jason Offutt, another researcher into the Black Eyed Children phenomenon, gives this account:
- Around 10:45 on a warm night, as 18-year-old Carris Holdsworth approached her apartment in Lisburn, Northern Ireland, she saw two teenagers in hoodies and jeans standing in her yard with their backs to her. As she attempted to slip away unseen, she fumbled in her purse for pepper spray. At that very moment, the boys turned to face her and, as if reading her mind, one said, “No need for that, we just want to borrow your phone, miss.” When she caught a glimpse of their pitch black eyes, not a trace of white or a pupil, she panicked and raced to her apartment, locking the door behind her. The boys following close behind, knocked on her door. She ignored it. After a second knock, fearing for her safety she phoned a friend to come over. When the friend arrived, the boys ran away.
(via)
There are plenty more stories out there. I simply can’t bear anymore.
What if I had a blog back in 1999? Might I have written a post like this?
Just when I thought March of ’98 couldn’t be far enough behind me, another shitty, catchy, cash grab, ego trip of a song (?) has appeared on the airwaves, like an audio boil on FM’s backside. The prior culprit: Jimmy Ray’s Are You Jimmy Ray? This January’s cold sore with a backbeat: Eminem’s My Name Is. See which one is more cloying and annoying:
Did we really need another self-referencing pop tune? Is this Eminem guy spoofing Jimmy Ray or ripping him off? Luckily, the Jimmy Ray hype machine didn’t last long, so here’s to an expedient Eminem melt-in-the-hand send off.
(SIDENOTE: In reality, I still don’t like My Name Is much… Guilty Conscience was the song that changed my mind about Mr. Marshall Mathers. Conversely, I really liked Fred Durst starting with his Faith remake and then Nookie. Funny how things work out, eh?)
I am not a fan of Depeche Mode, but this family from Columbia sure is. After watching these, I heard Enjoy the Silence on the radio, and I couldn’t help but smile.
(SIDENOTE: When I was in high school, um, let’s see… 20 years ago… I remember this one girl gave a speech in our Honors English class about how squids are people, too. I thought, “Squids aren’t people. They’re squids!” Apparently, this is what they called goth back in the day at my school, and goths squids liked Depeche Mode. Don’t worry, I know what you’re thinking – He took Honors English?!)
Perturbs isn’t a word I use often, so thanks Atlas Genius. This song up for examination is called Trojans, and it’s built around this hook:
Your trojan’s in my head.
What the fuck does that mean exactly? This video offers little help other than the lyrics:
Are these self-proclaimed world-holding exceptional intellects (or are they really good at reading maps?) trying to say that someone has put a Trojan Horse in his head? Or is it something else?
“Your Trojan Horse is in my head…”
“Your Trojan Warrior is in my head…”
“Your Trojan Condom is in my head…”
As a brand new uncle to a brand new nephew, I cannot approve of this nutty toy line:
Perhaps my mind is too far in the gutterballs. What a bunch of junk.
This 42″ tall playset gets a definite YES! from me.
There are plenty of geeky things to get to today. So let’s start with the big one.
YES!
J.J. Abrams has been confirmed as the director of Star Wars Episode VII. Be ready for fanboy battles to reach all new levels. Can the director of Star Trek pull off the switch? Considering he was raised suckling the hairy teat of George Lucas, I wouldn’t worry. Plus, this might pave the way for Joss Whedon directing Episode VIII. (No logic for that statement… only hope and speculation.) The only downside – a Damon Lindelof rewrite of Lawrence Kasdan and Michael Arndt’s finished script. Fuck you, LOST!
NO!
Two of my favorite newer shows are getting cancelled! Ben and Kate and Don’t Trust the B—- in Apartment 23 have officially received the ax. Hopefully they receive a DVD release – I don’t think I’m ax-ing for much. At least they’re in good company. Some of my highest recommendations lasted only one or two seasons – Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, Freaks & Geeks, Action, Profit, Undeclared, Jericho, and Firefly. (Veronica Mars, Deadwood, and Arrested Development got three.) P.S. I’m still waiting for my Sons and Daughters and Warren the Ape DVD’s!
YES!
Two cool video games I’ll buy and never play: LEGO Marvel Super Heroes and Pokémon X and/or Y!
NO! OR MAYBE YES?
Django Unchained toys came out, and that’s a baaaaaad idea. A good idea would have been buying them, though. They’re selling for upwards of $500 each (though I’m not sure what they started out at, I’m sure they were under $50). An entire set went for $6000 on eBay! Why are my feelings so conflicted right now?!
In honor of You, Me, and Dupree being quite ubiquitous this weekend on some cable channel that was on whenever I woke up (yes, it happens more than twice in two days), here is Owen Wilson’s Dupree explaining (well, not really explaining) Seven Different Kinds of Smoke:
But here it is in action:
You’re welcome.
(SIDENOTE: I don’t know what this movie is about, since I’ve never seen anything but these parts. But as for these parts – they’re pure Dupree gold.)
(BONUS SIDENOTE: This is probably a good time to mention that I have my own Advice Sheet at the top of the page. It’s full of monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO gold, which despite how that phrasing sounds, may or may not equal poo.)
I’ve decided that I’m not finding (or looking) for funny pictures anymore, which used to constitute Worth 1002 Words. If I find one that works, I’ll post it. But you know what else is Worth 1002 Words? Some videos, like this one:
CAPTION: Value Men-Boo!
SOME ALTERNATES:
- Chicken McScaredycats
- Worry Flurry
- Big OMG
- McRibbings Return!
- Got Served
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 