This was originally going to be a simpler post. A lackadaisical examination of Google’s search engine. An uncovering of why any time you type in an actress’ name the second search result is her name +feet. But then this happened:
And the Masters of the Microwave
I watched the original version in Italian on their website, and it confounded me. I hoped the subtitled version would help… and… well… check it out for yourself:
Charlie LeDuff is one of the coolest reporters we have here in Detroit. Otherwise, Detroit sucks major ball bearings.
'Nuff Said.
(SIDENOTE: This category of post used to be In Defense Of, but I’ve seen tons somes of In Defense Of’s all over the TripleDoubleU, so I’ve decided to change my angle on the same subject. Voilà The Silver Lining!)
The People Meter, a.k.a. The Grating Ratings Box
When I was a kid, it was my dream to be a Nielsen Family. In my mind, the concept was simple: we must watch TV. (Or if NBC still had their druthers, we Must See TV.)
In reality, though, it’s not that simple (here’s the simpler explanation). Nielsen is a monopoly (TiVo is a distant second in terms of tracking viewership). And mostly families considered “less-well-off” (TRANSLATION: anyone that can’t afford to time shift the shows they watch or skip commercials) are the sample public. What this means to TV fans is if you can skip past the commercials, that show will get cancelled.
So shows like Firefly and Arrested Development, and more recently, possibly NBC’s Community, suffer because their fans don’t watch commercials (“commercial-watcher” could become a fairly cruel epithet… at least as cruel as “mouth-breather”).
So where’s The Silver Lining?
In a nutshell, the Nielsen Ratings are a good indicator if the show I’m watching is actually good or not. It didn’t used to be that way when we only had three channels to watch, but in these days of cable and the TripleDoubleU, the converse is true.
Don’t believe me?
American Idol gets high-ratings every year, and for most seasons, I’ve watched it. I know it’s brain garbage, but the Nielsen Ratings prove that it is gray fecal matter. Need another example? American Horror Story’s season finale drew the highest numbers for FX ever, and that show sucked.
That’s really what this post is about… how much American Horror Story sucked. And LOST, too. Remember when that had high ratings?
So in closing, I must stick to my guns and not waste my time on any “popular” shows. If a program makes it to a second season and the ratings were decent, that series just might be my cup of T… V.
Sometimes I notice things in this world that I plan to share with you, but I quickly forget. These are some Coinkydinks or Coinkydonks that I almost forgot about. Lucky you it was only almost.
ITEM #1 – THE BREA GRANT CONNECTION
That smirk seems permanent.
Brea Grant may not be a well-known face (or even known at all), but the moment she appeared early in the sixth season of Showtime’s Dexter, I recognized her. I didn’t know what from, so I investigated. Turned out, she also starred in NBC’s Heroes during its third season. I tried to forget that awful show, and thus, I forgot her. Now here’s the Coinkydink (or Coinkydonk)…
She starred alongside Actor! Masi Oka on Heroes, and alongside character (Vince) Masuka on Dexter.
It’s a little weird, right? No, not really? Okay then, moving on.
ITEM #2 – STOP SHOUTING!
I’ve noticed that The General Insurance must be doing pretty good, because their graphics have been getting better and better. As for the concepts…?
Does this woman’s “hiya’s” sound familiar to you?
Because to me, I’m reminded of Link’s sidekick, Navi, form The Legend of Zelda – A Link to the Past:
You don’t hear it? All right, how about this last one.
ITEM #3 – ROBOTS AND ALCOHOL DON’T MIX
Here’s the party I was late to… I love robots, but I couldn’t stand it when Heineken had this atrocity of an ad for an atrocity of a product (the keg can):
So it amazes me that Svedka Vodka could one-up their craptacular idea:
If that’s the future of alcohol, color me sober.
I know you’ve been clamoring for this list for a while now, so I’m glad to present A Handful Of… My Latest Crushes:
She's the ideal girl next to the window.
Ms. Woodward first came to my attention last year during the first season of Raising Hope, and she’s held my attention ever since. I’ve never seen the movie The Haunting of Molly Hartley, or the show she was on previously (The Riches), but they are definitely in my Netflix queue now.
She's keeping the wall stable, but not my heart rate.
I didn’t watch Two and a Half Men with any regularity, but I was aware of Ms. Stables when she had a recurring role on it. Since I only caught her appearances in random reruns, I was pleased to find out she had a new show on TV Land called The Exes, which is actually pretty good… emphasis on the pretty.
Don't worry. She's 25.
I’m pleased to admit that Tim Allen’s latest show, ABC’s Last Man Standing, is funny. But even if it wasn’t, I’d still be in inclined to watch it because of Ms. Ephraim. She plays middle daughter Mandy on it, and just like middle son Randy on Home Improvement, she steals many of her scenes. And surprise, surprise… I’ve now added Paranormal Activity 2 to my queue, too.
Maid in Heaven (or Hell)
As I mentioned in regard to Ms. Ephraim, I will watch a show I don’t particularly like if I like an Actress! on the show. So when it comes to Ms. Breckenridge, she was a primary reason I watched FX’s American Horrible Story (well, her and Jessica Lange’s scenery chewing). Let’s just say I’m glad that show was only thirteen episodes long. And I hope Ms. Breckenridge gets another gig quick.
I am no longer the master of my domain hosting.
I’m not a fan of Go Daddy for many reasons, and their commercials do not help. On the other hand, Ms. Dearing helps their commercials, so there’s that. She’s also in Will Ferrell’s Everything Must Go, so you know what I’m going to do to remedy not seeing that. In the meantime, I guess I’ll stumble over to Go Daddy’s website to see how her commercials end. Gah, I hate that!
I didn’t always have a blog, if you can believe that. This posts imagines what I might have written about when Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me came out… in 1999.
Oh behave!
I can’t get the sequel to Mike Myers’ Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery out of my head. This is the main reason why:
Mini-Me and Dr. Evil
They were hilarious! A clone identical in every way… just one-eighth his size. But their odd pairing got me thinking, where have I seen this before?
Let’s start with…
Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo
Scrappy was Scooby’s beloved nephew, not a clone. Nor was he really all that much of comic relief. So maybe it’s not them…
Garfield and Nermal
There was no relationship between Garfield and Nermal, but at least Nermal was the color gray, like the good doctor and his clone’s uniforms. And I might have thought the old comic strip was funny at one point. But still…
Godzilla and Minya
Godzilla was the father of Minya, but he could have also been a nuclear reaction that was called “son.” They were cute together, and Minya was about as useful as Mini-Me. Let me think a bit more…
Kermit and Robin
Kermit is Robin’s uncle, but their cut from the same cloth, literally. Or should I say, the same felt. Robin is similar to Kermit in every way, just one-eighth his size… and confidence. Wait! I’ve got it!
You should try Frosted Evil Wheats.
Hi, I’m Sean. This is my blog. This post is about other people named Sean (spelled the right way) that have done more than write a stupid little blog. Some of them I consider The Shit; some of them are Just Shitty; most fall somewhere in between. Here’s how they fall in my rankings:
THE SHIT
Seans Connery, Combs, and Bean
Why are these three Seans ranked so high? Let’s see… one was Boromir in The Lord of the Rings and a James Bond villain (plus supposedly fantastic in HBO’s Game of Thrones), one was the original James Bond and Indiana Jones’ father (who has since quit Hollywood), and one is a bad boy for life.
Nuff said.
JUST SHY OF THE SHIT
Seans Penn and Astin
Sean Penn has had a hell of an interesting career and life… He’s been fantastic as an Actor! (Mystic River, Milk) and as a director (The Crossing Guard, Into the Wild); he was married to Madonna back at the height of her career and Robin Wright back when I had a crush on her back in Toys and Forrest Gump. So why isn’t he considered The Shit? He also got to bang Scarlett Johansson. Screw him. He gets #2 on my list of #2’s.
As for Sean Astin?
Pros: The Goonies, Toy Soldiers, and The Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Cons: Encino Man and Rudy. Fuck Rudy.
NEITHER THE SHIT NOR SHITTY
Seans Hayes and Patrick Flanery
Sean Hayes played the zany comic foil to the straight (gay) man in Will and Grace well, and he started a reality TV show to find a new scripted show (which flopped); now he co-produces NBC’s Grimm and TV Land’s Hot in Cleveland, so there’s that.
Sean Patrick Flanery was one of The Boondock Saints (which is a little overrated in my opinion), and he also played Indiana Jones, so there’s that. Neither is either.
CRAPPY
Sean Young and Big Sean
I used to really want to see Sean Young naked; now I really want to see Paget Brewster naked (she looks like the upgraded version of her… plus, I fear I’ve said too much).
As for Big Sean, do I really need to remind you of his contribution to society?
—————————————————————————————————
And now the drumroll please… what, there’s no drumroll?!
JUST SHITTY
Sean Hannity: a man of so many emotions, shirts
This smug bastard doesn’t even know how to smile like a human being! Go ahead and do an image search! He always looks like the turd that he is! Why couldn’t he have spelled his name like Seann William Scott so he would have never made it on here! I’d much rather have ranked Shawn Carter (Jay-Z) or Shaun White if their parents knew what all the parents of the people above knew–
–how to spell Sean!
The Wonder Bread Years
There are degrees to which I get happy about my Happy Finds.
For websites such as Celebrity School Pics, it makes me more sad than happy to find out they have a section devoted to porn stars… so this non-charting Happy Find would be a Meh Find.
Then there are sites like Bread People that entertain me, but not for long, like a pita roll compared to a baguette, so they merit the most generic of Happy Finds. What else could set the bar other than bread humor?
Memba this?
Pica Pic can be considered an Excited Happy Find because sites like it provide unlimited interactivity… until you get bored with its unlimited interactivity. There’s a reason Nintendo stopped making Game & Watch… and most recently it’s called the 3DS.
The last level of Happy Find is the Ultimate Happy Find. It usually ends up relating to a site full of videos, and tends to be updated somewhat regularly. It likely has misses, but there are enough hits to keep you coming back. One example might be Bad Lip Reading. Check out this sample:
This, of course, is fake (but spot on):
As for this TV spot previewing The Darkest Hour, keep a lookout for this guy at the 0:15 mark:
No, that is not a hula hoop around him.
Is that Max Headroom, or a waxy-faced man who doesn’t know how to run natural? Here’s the commercial:
BONUS (MAYBE) FAKE!
In this ad for eHarmony, do we really believe Jon? No guy really doesn’t want to be single that bad… plus, I only think about 1 in 10 guys roll their eyes upward when counting to the number two:
monkeyBLOG monkeyDO 