TV

Gary Busey R.O.C.K.S.

Posted on by sgottahurt

Dr. Drew used to be somewhat of a hero of mine. Along with Adam Carolla and the beautiful Diane Farr, he hosted one of the rare shows I used to watch on MTV called “Loveline.” The two nuggets of knowledge dropped on me that have stuck are:

1) If you’re prone to lockjaw ladies (presumably from stepping on rusty nails?), then there’s always the side slide. (Thanks to Julie Benz for that one, and her unforgetable pantomimed presentation! You know Julie currently from Showtime’s “Dexter” and “Rambo,” formerly from “Jawbreaker,” and always from my memories.)

2) If a girl talks with a squeaky voice as an adult, she was molested as a kid. Hilarious!

(SIDENOTE: Whatever happened to “BuzzKill,” MTV? Just because Dave, Frank, and Travis disrupted the beach house, it doesn’t mean they never existed!)

Dr. Drew’s latest endeavor is the second season of Celebrity Rehab on VH1. Gary Busey’s in it, and he R.O.C.K.S. (Really Opens Cans of Kickass Seriously)

Here’s a sneak peek at the wisdom he’s there to share (a Busey-ism, if you will… cuz he does):

The word S.O.B.E.R… that stands for Son Of a Bitch, Everything’s Real

Click here for video. (From VH1)

If that’s not working, this is an equal treat:

Elisabeth’s Bringing Hassel… Er, Beck?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been happening for awhile now, quitely in the background of my mind (you know, that part that reminds you, “Hey, you need to cut the grass… tomorrow” or “Hey, I should start going back to the gym… tomorrow”).

I think I may be in love with Elisabeth Hasselbeck.  Or at least as much in love with her as I was with Princess Leia back in the day (I resisted typing A long time ago…) or Mrs. Fields.  How else can I explain the feeling I get at any glimpse of her image or mention of her name as I scour the TripleDoubleU?

I’ll admit it – I was a fan of Elisabeth’s back in her “Survivor” days. 

If cloning worked - meet the cast of The View

If cloning worked - meet the cast of The View

But I believed the feelings were fleeting, as it was with Colleen Haskell before her.

Awwww...

Awwww...

All Colleen got after “Survivor” was a role in a shitty Rob Schneider movie, then poof!  Out of sight – out of mind.  (I miss you, please come back!)

That’s why I think it’s different with Elisabeth.  She was gone, but not for long.  Though I am not a regular viewer of, um, “The View,” I will also admit to the fact that if I were home when it was on, I probably would watch.  I consider it a guilty pleasure.  Or would embarrassing pleasure be more like it?

Anywho, the political climate we’re in is causing headaches behind the scenes of the show.  I mean, we’re talking major headaches, one’s that even HeadOn couldn’t fix.

According to an article from Defamer:

Joy also told Elisabeth: “You sit there and make a fool out of yourself out there everyday and it’s pathetic. There are people we can’t book on this show because of you! And then you put out stories about you going to Fox News?! Please, even they know better!”

 Message to Whoopi (and Barb, I guess): Please make this fighting stop!  If Elisabeth departs your show, who knows where she’ll end up…  How will I see her?  How will I not forget her?  I don’t watch Fox News.  She doesn’t show up to Seattle Seahawk games like Jessica Simpson does for the Tony Romo of the Dallas Cowboys.  (NOTE: Elisabeth got Hasselbeck from the Seahawk’s quarterback, ‘natch!)

Well, maybe she does show up to the games – but I DON’T WATCH THEM!

AND I DON’T WATCH FOX NEWS.

AND I DON’T WATCH ROB SCHNEIDER FILMS.

Thanks in advance,

Sean

“My Best Friend’s Front Door Is My Pants Zipper” Beat Around The Bush Too Much, New Title More To The Point

Posted on by sgottahurt

Test markets always like things simplified, so Comedy Central’s comedy website, Atom, has premiered “My Best Friend is My Penis.”

Test markets are also simple, so the tale of a man and his friendly penis fits the bill nicely.  (What also fits nicely: hands in pants pockets.  What fits even more nicely: I’ll be nice and not say.)

Costars (or should I say co-people-you-might-recognize) Jonathan Togo (of David Caruso’s, I mean, CBS’s “CSI:Miami”) and Will Carlough (of my realized dreams of what rapping is, can, will, and should be all about) stated in a news release:

We aimed to pick up where movies such as “Waiting to Exhale” and “Steel Magnolias” left off… Somehow we ended up with a guy with a talking penis… This special buddy comedy takes a look at the crazy things that happen when your best friend is really your penis — including major dating issues.

Your journey into all that is “My Best Friend is My Penis” begins here. 

WARNING: Graphic content, as they do show his “penis.”

The TV show premiers on Comedy Central’s Atom TV December 8.

(From IMDb.)

JusWondering… Size Matters Was Buried Beyond Pet Sematary

Posted on by sgottahurt

I just finished watching the latest episode of “South Park” entitled “Pandemic” (watch the full episode here).

To quickly sum up: Peruvian Flute Bands have become a pandemic, and in the traditional “South Park” fashion, things get overblown and out of control, and a new evil is unleashed on the world.  It’s in the ending of the episode that I lost it.

A few days ago, I posted this about the insufficiently examined concept of size of the “evil one” in horror films affecting the level of fear it produces.  Without giving the episode’s ending away, I referred to something similar to the reveal in the final act.

Seeing that reminded me I didn’t delve into the other end of the spectrum: too big is not scary.  Sure Godzilla can crush our house beneath his feet, and King Kong can pick his teeth with our ribs, but we see them as ominous by default.  There’s a sense of hopelessness, not panic – a main ingrediant in fear.

Take Peter Jackson’s “King Kong”: the ape himself was not terrifying (in fact, he was the prima(te)ry love interest).  Nor were the T-rex’s outrightly so.  But those giant insects… and the face-hugger things in the pit… although they were CGI-done-right, they wer able to get the skin crawling.

Now imagine King Kong as 48 inches tall.  He waits in the corner of your basement.  You flick on the lights, and see his scarred face.  He launches at you, roaring.  You scramble up the staircase with him only a stair or two behind you.  His long arms missing you by inches.  He’s big enough to be a manageable threat (as opposed to a two-foot tall King Kong you can keep away with a chair… or a Swiffer or something), and that’s what causes that special kind of anxiety.

Now why not six-foot tall… or eight or ten, you ask?  I believe it’s because my brain considers the possibility that it’s a man in costume.  That’s why four-foot tall works, because at best, that giant Gremlin or tiny Godzilla is an adolescent or preteen in costume.  I can see an adult going loco, but a middle-schooler?

In closing: babies and little kids aren’t scary (depending on who you ask I guess) because of their size, adults are lame, and awkward ten, eleven, and twelve year olds are the root source of our nightmares.  (Perchance we remember too well…)

(EXCLUSION TO THE SIZE MATTERS: the homicidal kid in “Pet Sematary” is kinda creepy, but nowhere near as revolting as the adult sister in bed.)

InASense, Lost… Dental Dam

Posted on by sgottahurt

After being on this Earth for one-third of a century, or the equivalent of two pie pieces in the game of Trivial Pursuit, I’m still amazed there are things that can warp my vanilla mind (maybe it’s more cookies-n-creme).

On the scale of mental shockwaves, what a dental dam is might not rate that high on the perverted list.  (See my last “InASense, Lost” post for worse.)

What’s surprising is that it was referenced in last night’s episode of “Pushing Daisies.”  It was sly, and of course, i didn’t get it.  But it pops up in an exchange between Emerson Cod (Chi McBride) and his mom.

After a woman of questionable means leaves his detective office, he states “I’ll be dental damned” in reference to a dentist that hired him for the same case.  His mother responds, “With a girl like that, you certainly should.”

I guess in a show kinda about necrophilia, I shouldn’t be surprised.

“Pushing Daisies” home page at ABC.com.

Cabo WaBOO Indeed!

Posted on by sgottahurt

According to tonight’s episode of “Entertainment Tonight” (‘natch), there’s a cable channel called BIO(which has not made the list over at TVismyIV as a matter of fact), and on top of that they are about to premier a show called “Celebrity Ghost Stories.”

Let it be known – I’m a sucker for ghost stories.  And not one of those crazy big Cedar Point suckers, either.   I’m more like a sucker you’d find under the couch, covered in lint and dog hair and who-knows-what, that’s been there since who-knows-when.  (Translation: I scare easy.)

Anywho… while I was in my dark kitchen getting a refreshing Mt. Dew from my dark refrigerator (where do you buy little cold resistent light bulbs anyway), Belinda Carlisle was finishing her spectre spiel I managed to ignore.  As I contemplated partaking in some Velveeta cheese, Sammy Hagar began talking about how when he was a child, the night his alcholic absentee father died, his ghost visited him and he turned him away, unbeknownst of his passing.

Chills shot up my spine (and it wasn’t from the fridge!) and I thought, “I don’t need this right now.”

SIDENOTE: I should also mention it doesn’t take much prompting for a song to pop in my head either.

So in the spirit of coincidence, here’s the rock classic:

I Stand Corrected AKA I Stand Old-Schooled

Posted on by sgottahurt

Memories are a lot like books – they can get dusty.  They’re also a lot like raisins – they’re wrinkly (and purple?) and cats – they always land on their feet.  Mix in years of voluntary and involuntary brain damage and somehow you mash two things together that

A) Have completely different styles of conveying a message (even thought the message is the same).

B) Have completely different style of presentation – one’s traditional animation and one’s… what the hell is that style?  Can we just call it 90’s style?

and C) Were made eight years apart from each other (1983 and 1991 to be exact… either way, my breakfast still probably consisted of Cocoa Krispies.)

For some reason, I thought this guy…

…sang this song…

Guess I better stop drinking so much Zima…  I’m so “malternative” it’s hard to stop.

InASense, Lost… Lemon Party

Posted on by sgottahurt

As a huge fan of “30 Rock,” I cannot wait for its premier next week.  But after a co-worker recently pointed out a huge dirty joke in last season’s holiday episode, “Ludachristmas” – one that I did not get because I was unaware of the reference – let’s just say that ignorance is bliss… and some things burn into your retinas forever.

If you’re brave enough, begin your journey here.  It is one of the slyest dirty jokes I’ve ever seen pulled over the heads of network television executives (or “The Brass” as I like to call them) since Michael told GOB to get rid of the “Seaward,” and his mother, Lucille, snapped “I’ll leave when I’m good and ready.”

(R.I.P. “Arrested Development”… Much love…)

Courtesy of TVismyIV and Hulu.

An (Illogical) Oldie But a Goodie

Posted on by sgottahurt

Leonard Nimoy is a prince amongst men.  Not only has he brought us decades of Spock, innumerable answers (?) in “In Search Of…” and of course the ghost in his directorial effort (or upchuck depending how you look at it), “Three Men and a Baby.”

And there’s always gonna be this: 

Lyrics after the jump… Read More

The He-Man That May Never Be, Man

Posted on by sgottahurt

One of my favorite sites, Topless Robot, reported last week that Warner Bros. is balking at the chance to bring a revisionistist fan-centric version of “Masters of the Universe” to the big screen.  Considering what “Transformers” did for Dreamworks/Paramount, you’d think the execs would take a chance at this established childhood relic (maybe they’re still feeling the pain from “Speed Racer”).

Nonetheless, the great sci-fi/fantasy epic that could have been, may never be.  I’d give up “Transformers 2” and “G.I. Joe” for a shot to see a real world representation of this (though I’d never give up a live-action “M.A.S.K”):

For more on the fate of the movie, click here.