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EXCLUSIVE: Excerpts From Obama’s “First Draft” Of Victory Speech Found In Potbelly’s Trash Can

Posted on November 5, 2008 by sgottahurt

As powerful as expected, President Elect Barack Obama gave his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park last night. My sister, Becky, was there to witness it as it happened.

I was just there over the weekend, as I mentioned in another post, to see the Lions get beat by the Bears, barely. (I was wearing my #20 Seanders jersey, and you better believe I was the nicest guy in Soldier Field ever, but I digress.) I was kind of waiting for the inevitable to happen before I revealed this, but… I found a copy of Obama’s first draft of the speech.

It turned up in a trash bin outside of a Potbelly near Michigan Avenue. What was I doing looking in the trash, you might wonder, and rather than let your mind wander, I’ll share this… my sister threw out half of her cookie I totally would have eaten!

Some highlights from the speech, followed by excerpts of the alleged first draft:

He opened the speech with talk of the American dream, and about the people that waited in record lines to vote.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

He originally planned to finish that statement with this: “…of states of confusion and states of clarity.”

After more positivity, he spoke about his opponent:

Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I thought this part would have been nice had he kept it: “And wasn’t he great on Saturday Night Live? The part about the Joe action figures, and the pork knives… heck, the whole thing was pretty hilarious.”

I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

“Oh, and thanks, again Senator for choosing the Governor as your running mate. Really, really thanks.”

He goes on to thank Vice President Elect Joe Biden, his wife, his children, his grandmother that passed away the day before the election, and the rest of his family. Then he brought up his friends.

And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America. To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.

“And Bill… you know who you are, and where you are. Whether you’re above ground, or underground.”

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

“And to you, and you, and you… (point at random people for about ten minutes).”

The remainder pretty much remained the same, except for the very ending.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

“And thanks for taking a chance on me.” Then he planned to close with one of these songs:

Or Flo Rida’s hit:

(Full actual transcript from CNN here. Full actual video of speech here.)

OMBR! (Oh My Brett Ratner!)

Posted on November 4, 2008 by sgottahurt

The genius that is Brett Ratner – I’m not even smart enough to find the words. His originality is unmatched; his levels of depth unfathomable. (Ha! A pun!) He is the answer to our unanswerable prayers.

Oh, yeah… Did I forget to mention today is Opposite Day? (Except when it comes to voting… It’s so Opposite Day that it’s NOT Opposite Day… whoa, deep…)

Now grant it, Heidi Klum is one helluva new addition to America’s citizenship ranks, but Brettcrack was paid beaucoup bucks to brand Guitar Hero, as if the popular game needed help. (FYI: he came up with the name “World Tour” – he’s like a the fucking Stephen Hawking of pop culture!)

This is technically the fourth video that’s exactly the same… much like his “Rush Hour” movies. Click here for the athletes version and here for the American Idols commercials.

God, he infuriates me. But perhaps he’s worth what he’s paid… look at all the attention I’m giving him.

BONUS: Now with a fifth commercial (Director’s Cut)! It must have been difficult to get a German underwear model to dance in next to nothing… I don’t know how Brettcrack does it.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Product Placement

Posted on November 4, 2008 by sgottahurt

Not pictured: Richard Chamberlain... Pictured: floating child head

In a high rise, um, high above Gotham, Bruce Wayne and I were speaking with a third party about investing in the future.

“Stride bubblegum,” Bruce began. “It’s the taste of the future.”

“And the future is now,” I added.

Bubblegum was growing in petri dishes, and our guest wasn’t sold. As it turned out, he didn’t have the funds to cover such an investment. That’s when I pulled out a Capital One credit card.

“It’s the credit card of the future,” Bruce uttered without further prompting.

I merely nodded this time. As our potential business partner contemplated his next move, an alram sounded through the city (I guess the bat signal wasn’t enough.) Bruce excused himself.

Soon, there was a giant Shogun Warrior (by Mattel) roaming Gotham’s streets. I wondered, “How will Batman defeat this monstrosity?”

With a Bat Gundam of course. (This could happen. Check here.)

BONUS: Halloween advice from a dream over the weekend – if you want to make a bowl of M&M’s last longer, try cutting them all in half.

INGREDIENTS: Ten hours of surfing the 3x2xU since I was out of town all weekend, coupled with a GladWare storage container full of five-day old Kraft spaghetti.

Crispin In The Sun With Toonces!

Posted on November 3, 2008 by sgottahurt

I have known a few people through the years that have done things that some people may see as odd, such as wearing leather chaps to a co-ed softball game while covered in peanut butter, or making artwork out of animal intestines.

Okay, actually, they are odd, but some people find that off-putting. For me, these people are the spice of life (the off-the-cuff kind of spice you’d find at CVS or Aldi’s). They’re a modern performance artist, in my opinion, and I can say I’m not too different (see the new #7 on my Fact Sheet). Or they’re completely batshit crazy, but who cares?

Crispin Glover may be a genius or a nutjob (the separtion between the two is a thin line, and we’re not talking cocaine here… or are we?) Check out Screen Junkies’ list of his “9 Most Bizarre Moments.”

Here’s a sneak peek at #8:

BONUS: Toonces Without a Cause:

Watchin’ The Game… Havin’ A Bummer

Posted on November 3, 2008 by sgottahurt

I’ve refrained from getting into political discourse on this page because there are far better blogs on WordPress for that (such as Mudflats and Margaret and Helen for example). But this I found via BlackSpin and I’m sure it will soon be everywhere. Ladies and gents I present to you: The Wassup Guys from the Budweiser commercials – Eight Years Later.

For memories of better times.

Ironically, Shelley Malil (Chad, the tennis guy from this Bud commercial), fared no better in the last eight years.

Wow… this is some bummerific junx. To clean the palette:

A Pep Talk For TV Producer Bryan Fuller

Posted on November 1, 2008 by sgottahurt

Even though the TripleDoubleU’s a-rumbling over “Pushing Daisies” (some hint that the title may become eponymous with its fate), I say, sally forth, Bryan Fuller. Your imagination, and our societal lack thereof, needs it.

From your beginnings, as a fan who got to write for his favorite franchise, “Star Trek,” through your development of the wonderful “Wonderfalls” and “Dead Like Me,” and the best part of the crap that “Heroes” has become (FYI… he wrote the first season’s incredible “Company Man”), I don’t feel like you’ve received your just desserts just yet.

It appears ABC’s gamble last Wednseday was good one (and funny, since the episode was about gambling). I hope that “Pushing Daisies” can find the audience it needs to keep the Brass ordering more seasons.

And fear not if all does not go as planned (crossing fingers for new “Star Trek” show). Look how long it took Judd Apatow to click with the mainstream. There was “The Ben Stiller Show,” “Freaks and Geeks,” and “Undeclared” way before there was “The 40 Year Old Virgin.”

We need people like you in Hollywood (and Charlie Kaufman, and maaaaybe Zack Snyder), since the Lucas and Spielberg wells have all dried up. Who else will do battle with the Michael Bays, Stephen Sommers, Brett Ratners, and (vomit) Friedberg/Seltzers of the world?

Goin’ Down At South Park… Plus Bonus Creepy Thing!

Posted on October 31, 2008 by sgottahurt

If you’ve watched the last two episodes of “South Park,” you’re probably as baffled as I am. It almost felt like a dream state in its level of confusion, but it tiptoed toward the nightmare of the possibility that the show might be losing it again (I consider the movie the relaunch of creativity). Grant it – I did find aspects of the episode humorous, but as a whole, it left me unfulfilled.

From listening to Trey Parker and Matt Stone’s commentaries off past seasons’ DVD’s, and knowing that they shelf some ideas for later, I can only assume (<–that’s the devil’s word!) that it came out of this grab-bag of manatee balls:

There must be Peruvian flute bands all over California. (Possibly the Third Street Promenade in Santa Monica, since that’s what the artwork looked like to me.) Trey, Matt, and/or the remaining writing staff probably saw potential in these groups, and it was the germ for some kind of story.

That germ turned into a full blown virus when they found this website (again, a staff member might have already known about them – possibly owned some – but whatevs… the site is aww-inducing). This “bit” probably was the only highlight aside of Craig’s recounting to the other boys how much everyone else hates them.

“Pandemic 2: The Startling” can be seen South Park Studios’ website.

For fans of creepy rodents on this Halloween, check this out:

Animated X-Men Turns Fifteen, Meeting Me for Wine Coolers After School

Posted on October 29, 2008 by sgottahurt

As given away in this entries title, this week celebrates the fifteenth anniversary of X-Men: The Animated Series, yet there’s nary a DVD in the works containing all the seasons. A few miniseries were released earlier this century (that sounds so long ago) as was the Juggernaut onto the TripleDoubleU (and deftly killed by the hackysack, Brett Ratner).

If not for Fox Cubs – I mean Kids – the show would have never seen the light of day (thanks Margaret Loesch!)

Some other shows that thankfully might NOT have seen the light of day if not for Fox Kits – I mean Kids:

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: The Animated Series
Eek! The Cat
Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers (any version after Tommy became the White Ranger… and ALL COPYCATS…”Aye aye aye!”)
Incredible Crash Dummies
Terrible Thunderlizards
C Bear and Jamal
Godzilla: The Series
Toonsylvania
Kong: The Animated Series
Young Hercules
The Mr. Potato Head Show
& ugh… I’m done…

In closing – a fox pup licking ice cream:

From Adult Diapers to Cursive Z’s (A Drunken Recollection)

Posted on October 29, 2008 by sgottahurt

Update: Remembered a Q and Z! Now with more O!

Last night, as usual, the conversations danced around like the carbonation in the libations. Here’s a rundown of the lowdown in alphabetic order:

A -> Adult Diapers. Apparently, some people wear them to rock concerts so they don’t lose their spot. Discussion of wearing them to the bar any night reeked of laziness.
B -> b (the lower case letter). A malformed handwritten form of this letter prompted another to mention that it looked like a stick person’s foot. This prompted me to ask if “d” was the other foot.
C -> Cursive Writing. This sprung out of the “b” incident. Heated (lukewarm) debate began over capital F’s. Capital I’s, Q’s, X’s and Z’s were remembered fondly. (And conveniently.)
D -> Darts. The game was played. I never achieved Swiss Cheez athleticism (see S).
E -> ESPN. And their stupid show where people play Madden ’09. To borrow liberally from SNL (and specifically Seth and Amy), “Really?”
F -> F (see C)
G -> George and Ma’am. “Why do you call George, George, and me, Ma’am, instead of Katherine?” / “Because it’s close to Mom.” (see W – ha, like the channel!)
H -> Hole. Courtney’s “Celebrity Skin” was played on the digital jukebox, when we really wanted to play… (see V – ha, like the resume!)
I -> I (see C – ha, like Intensive Care Center… wait that’s not funny)
J -> “Jake’s Again.” Home of the delectable $3.25 CHEESEBURGER… IF ONLY I COULD CAPITALIZE THE $3.25
K -> Kan’t think of anything.
L -> Lions. Alex Karras played for them. He was married to Susan Clark. They were on a show together. (see W – not as funny the second time)
M -> Maverick. Not our ol’ GOP pals. The increbidle (I mixed up my left and right feet) ride at Cedar Point.
N -> Nope, nothing to see here.
O -> Olympic Figure Skating. Specifically – Men’s Figure Skating. Particularly – Brian Boitano, and whether he was Canadian or American. The argument found footing* in the South Park Movie because he did not have a flapping head. *(SIDENOTE: db <– regular footing; bd <– pigeon-toed, or shy, footing)
P -> Proposal 2. In Michigan, it’s about stem cell research, and the funding it gets. Fun ding? Funny!
Q -> Q (see C… for cop out)… No wait! Quints! We chatted about how the old toyline would prove to be an interesting costume.
R -> Relationships. I daydreamed my ideal situation – the woman would be beautiful and mysterious. She would belittle me almost everyday, but tell me she still cares about me. She’d disappear for days at a time and I’d go crazy, wondering about her, waiting for her return. When she’d come home, I’d question where she’d been. She’d get angry and threaten to leave me for good. I’d withdraw the question and find happiness once again in her arms. Ah, true love.
S -> Swiss Cheez. Normally, as an athlete or skilled competitor, I’m moderate at best. That’s me in the air pockets of the Cheez. But every once in awhile, I hit the Cheez and look out!
T -> Trivia. That’s why we were out ‘n about. Check out the details here.
U -> Universe. What we’re here for, and how everyone wants to be told what to do and to be like – but you can’t anyone that’s what they want.
V -> Violet. “Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to!”
W -> “Webster.” Two episodes I remember from this show: the time Webster thought his photography teacher stole his picture to win a magazine contest (they happened to take the same snapshot of a tree, but the winning pic had the teacher at the bottom of the frame!), and the other ‘sode had young Webster walking in on George and Ma’am getting busy. They told him they were “changing a lightbulb,” so when Webster’s friend (a girl) came over, they got nude to “change a lightbulb.” Kids!
X -> X (see C… for cheap)
Y -> You had to be there.
Z -> Z (see C, si?) No, wait… Zenith. Did you know they created the first remote control?

Come Get Yer Sexy Costume Challenge Right Here!

Posted on October 27, 2008 by sgottahurt

Update: My sister, Becky, helped me “uncover” one other toy.

With Halloween upon us, I feel it is my civic duty to challenge any or all of you ladies out there that are: A) creative and B) like to… sexy it up… (I was going to put “slutty it up,” but here I did anyway.)

Now let it be known, I’m all about nostalgia, and in addition to that, I’m for the sexification/sluttification of said nostalgia. I mean, isn’t that what Halloween is all about anyway… in a non-nostalgic way? (Maybe regular candy has evolved into eye candy.)

But here’s the challenge: we’ve all seen the Strawberry Shortcakes, Rainbow Brites, She-Ras, and Jems. I still have a fondness for Jabba Palace Leia (especially when there’s a bunch of them pillow fighting), and kudos to those ladies that work wonders as a Care Bear (whodathunk Grumpy could look cheery). What follows are my suggestions… my outside-the-(cardboard)-box starters, if you will.

To begin: how about Herself the Elf?

: Full name: Herself Shortcake

Sure, she’s not too unlike any other fairies (goth girls, whut-whut!), but no one is going around proclaiming, “I’m Herself the Elf!” Another idea (and in this line there are plenty of options) – what about a Charmkin?

Mmm... bendy

The bulk of the costume would be standard fare, but the kicker is the ring on your head with a giant charm necklace going through it. Can you imagine that? How about Blinkins?

I wanna say something about curtains and carpets...

No pants and a light up bottom? If that’s a no-go, then let’s go with the girl’s version of Transformers (or maybe more-so GoBots) – Sweet Secrets.

The secret is these toys suck.

You could even go as far as these guys and make your shell open up so you can hide inside. Another great venture would be the alternative to the two-man horse… the two woman My Little Pony. (Argue over whom gets which end!)

Also pictured: My Little Hair Brush

My last idea is by far not the least. My final challenge (and if anyone pulls this off send me pics) – Alf’s Melmacian lost love, Rhonda. I’ll leave the details to you.