TV

Musical Musings… Annoying Repetition

Posted on by sgottahurt

A Literal EarwormThe posts where I bitch about music never seem to go over too well, but since people aren’t always in the car with me when some annoying song comes on (and I often forget to bring it up later), I now have this forum to gripe.  And gripe I will (my apologies if you don’t care, but press on because you may agree).

The theme for this short list is Annoying Repetition.  Before you get in an uproar saying all music is repetitive, I’m talking more about the hooks that cycle throughout the song and seem to go nowhere fast.  They feel incomplete and prod at the mind and soul and I’m being melodramatic.  Songs can be super-repetitive and work.  Take Green Day’s Brain Stew as a positive example.

But some songs set out to destroy ear drums.  Mobile’s The Killer is the latest entry into the mix, and what ultimately prompted this disdainful account.  (To note: I would have embedded the video if Universal wasn’t a bunch of douchenozzles.)  Aside from the whining, winding musical arrangement, the “yeah-yeah’s” dispersed in the track make me think of Bono on “South Park” as he walks through a poor village singing “hello-hello” and “yeah-yeah” (it’s his special brand of helping).

I know there are other recent examples like Britney Spears’ Womanizer or tATu’s All the Things She Said, but they’re radio pop and to call it crap is an understatement.  On the other hand, these kinds of songs are programmed to be catchy and get stuck in your head, and they do it quite well.  Just the mere mention of the titles might cause earworms.

Before I go, I have two other odd entries: a couple songs of yesteryear that when I catch wind of them, they spiral me into a rage.  One is John Mellencamp’s Wild Night and the other is 24 Gone’s Girl of Colours (video below).  At least Shana Zadrick is in the Coug’s video.  Too bad I didn’t know about her in the 90’s (I was in love with Laetitia Casta at the time.)

All I Want For Christmas Is… Government Subsidized Gas Prices (99 Cents, Biotch!)

Posted on by sgottahurt

I dare you to tell me that America is not the Greatest Country on Planet Earth!  (I can’t vouch for countries on other planets… there might be some better ones than us.)  And how do we make this country even better?  By insuring, by guaranteeing, by swearing, by stick a needle in my eye not lying, by promising that we will never have to pay more than 99 cents for a gallon of gas ever again!  (And $1.09 for Midgrade and $1.19 for Premium, you douches.)

How can this be done?  I don’t fucking care how they get it done!  The government simply needs to git’r dun!  If it’s by funneling the money that’s funding the war or inventing more money like they did for the fucking lenders, git’r dun!  It’s the fastest way to save the country.

How’s that you ask?  If gas is cheap, people will drive more. 

If people drive more, they’ll go to the store more. 

If they go to the store, they’ll buy more because they have more money since the gas is cheap. 

If people are buying more things, more companies will need to make more things to sell.  Hell, people might even buy full-size SUV’s and trucks again to carry all the shit they’ll be buying, thus rendering an auto bailout unneccessary (because everyone knows American trucks and SUV’s are the best, right?) 

Back to the companies making things – they’ll need to hire more people to make things so there will be less unemployed people and more taxes being paid back to the government. 

In turn, these returning consumers will need cheap gas and want to buy more shit and see where I’m going?

If this is Socialism – sign me up!  So long as I can still buy shit.

If you don’t – watch this video:

Drunken Recollection… I Have No Idea What I Recollected

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m going to let everyone in on a little secret about the mysterious workings behind this blog.  I wake up at the crack of dawn everyday (I just love beating the sun) and walk to my corner gas station to pick up a local paper.  Sure, I could have the delivery boy bring it, but the exercise keeps the ol’ pumper pumping (besides, I leave the paper boy a tip every Christmas as if I subscribed to help make up for his losses).  As I mill through the ink print to discover what’s going on in this world, I pour myself some whole grain cereal and organic milk, with a side of orange juice and toast (I use real butter to lather my heated wheat treat – it’s my only vice!)  I even slice up bananas and strawberries to put on top, like in the commercials.  After immediately washing the dishes and separating my recyclables, I ready the tub for a nice bubble bath and who am I kidding… I barely wake up on time to get to work at 10:30ish.  I should be there at 9!  This is the case due to the habit of my evening imbibing of carbonated, fermented brown water.

While at the draft tap establishments, conversations erupt, and often I’m reminded of something clever to write about, and I make a note in my cell phone.  Usually, I can translate.  Most times, I find messages like this:

  1. dancing caveman jukebox
  2. baby jacket
  3. think straw when see
  4. deli 25 bux
  5. whoprvirgins baby coat
  6. mr. wizard
  7. getn away w murdr
  8. angus young black
  9. martha quinn med woman
  10. kidbits

There are other notes of which I do remember, and will be inevitable posts, but these strike little or no chord.  Or I remember having a drunken laugh about them, such as 3, 8, and 9.  I believe 3 refers to how when I see a straw in somebody else’s drink at the table, I move toward my drink as though it also has a straw (I don’t drink beer with a straw anymore… not since I got rid of my “Cast Away” Halloween costume beard… although at times I have joined many straws so I wouldn’t have to pick up my mug).  8 and 9 were common mix-ups I have about AC/DC’s lead singer and the old MTV VJ.

1 and 4 were going to be big to-do’s, but I really had no fodder.  I cannot stand the dancing Geico caveman on digital jukeboxes, and I love how you don’t have to sign credit card statements on things less than $25.  I have no idea what the “deli” has to do with anything.  Much like number 7 – that one scares me because I’m 100% clueless about it.

2 and 5 repeated the theme of those stupid small coats that the ladies wear nowadays.  I wanted to bring up how pointless and stupid and trendy they are – much like Uggs boots.  I don’t know why I jotted down the Burger King website in conjunction with the jacket, though.

6 and 10 probably had to do with the same chit chat about childhood TV science shows.  I don’t know “Mr. Wizard,” per se, but “Kidbits” taught me how to make a chair out of three baseball bats (I also believe the demonstration was with knives or forks… I’m leaning toward knives though) and how to poke a straw through a potato. 

In closing, here’s “Kidbits” theme:

Oh, They Only Pick On You Because They’re Jealous – The Tom Cruise Story

Posted on by sgottahurt

Poor Tom Cruise… I think I’m growing a soft spot for the little guy.  Of late, he’s making the talk show circuit to promote his new movie, “Valkyrie,” and every time I’ve caught his interview, something inside me dies.

It’s pitiful, really, how much pandering he seems to have to go through to get back into the public’s good graces.  Back in the day, when he kept his life private – Mega Movie Star.  Since “meeting” Katie Holmes and doing that crazy interview on Oprah – not so much.

(Although I must say this: when I’m 44, if I hook up with a woman 16 years younger than me, I can’t promise I’m not jumping on some couches, too.  Hopefully, she’s hotter than Holmes.)

Watch his appearance on Letterman last night and tell me if it doesn’t feel like the sap just wants to be liked? 

He’s trying too hard, and it reeks of bad parental advice.  Imagine:

Mommy, they’re being mean to me at school.  I don’t think nobody likes me.

To which Mommy (a.k.a. Daddy Hubbard or Uncle Miscavige) replies:

They’re jealous, my boy.  You can’t let them get to you.  Just get back out there and be the best you you can be.  If they pick on you – ignore them.  Better yet… laugh with them.

A lot of good it did me, Mom.  All I have to show for being the best me I can be is an ass-kicking that left me with a head scar and a detached testicle.  Thanks for a lifetime of explaning why my nutsack hangs to my knees, and that no, I did not steal your _____!

All I Want For Christmas Is… Parker Lewis Can’t Lose On DVD

Posted on by sgottahurt

I guess he can lose.

I guess he can lose.

What.  The.  Fahrvergnugen.  Why isn’t “Parker Lewis Can’t Lose” on official DVD yet.  There are bootlegs aplenty, but I’m waiting for a Shout! Factory version or for Sony to pony up and put out.

For those of you that don’t remember this show, or never heard of it at all, the breakdown is this: it’s a rip-off an homage based on similar to “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

Parker Lewis was played by the guy who played Jonas Quinn in “Stargate SG-1″… no, you don’t know?  How about the guy in “RoboDoc?”  Um… his name is Corin Nemec (which sounds made up – an anagram of Icemen Corn?), and he’s been here and there through the years, but nothing quite as loud-shirted as he was on this show.  (I forgot that’s why I had so many polyester button-downs in high school.)

He was the guy who had all the plans for getting away with any scheme rated PG, which he commonly preceded with the phrase, “Not a problem.”

His best bud was rocker Mikey Randall.  He was played by the kid who played Blanche’s wayward nephew in an early “Golden Girls” episode.  Not helping?  He also had a recurring role on “Silver Spoons.”  His real name is Billy Jayne.  He played a coach on one episode of “The Bernie Mac Show” if that triggers any memories.  See, that’s why this needs to be on DVD.

The only other faces you may recognize are Principal Grace Musso.  She was played by Melanie Chartoff who was on “Get a Life” with Chris Elliott.  Um, that’s not on DVD either.

Okay… the big guy on campus, Larry Kubiak, was played by the guy who played the, um, big guy in “ER.”  His name is Abraham Benrubi.

Howzabout Parker’s little sister Sherry?  Maia Brewton was also in “Adventures in Babysitting.”  Remember?  She liked Thor?  Hilarious!

Okay, maybe Parker Lewis didn’t make much of a cultural impact, but it certainly was a product of its time.  Is it too much to ask for it to simply be a product?

JusWondering… How Did I Miss These Things?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I guess I missed an alternative to Rickrolling – You’ve been Barackroll’d!

Although this is a commercial for a Toyota Carolla, am I crazy for wishing this was an entire movie?

And it was a toss up between the video below or this one to define “laughably bad.”  Whereas this clip below is an homage to bad, the CGI dinosaur is simply bad.

Sober Recollection… For A Change…

Posted on by sgottahurt

The towel with which he wiped his face left this image

The towel with which he wiped his face left this image

As the wise and sage-like Gary Busey once said, “Son of a bitch everything’s real,” I too spent my eve teetotaling, and realized there is much to learn while the mind is clean and the thoughts are clear.  Namely, I have to write in a pretentious tone, and make use of odd phrasings and word choices. 

Fuck that.  Here’s some things I learned the night I decided not to drink and still hit four bars.  (Maybe that’s how I lasted for four bars… I can get sleepy when I do the brew.)  (Image from Drawastar)

Chapter One – Buffalo Wild Wings

  • Sarcasm doesn’t work in text messages.  I knew this was the case with emails, but for some reason that didn’t translate in my brain.  Basically, I hurt sumbuwy’s feewings.
  • Edith Bunker was the first TV character to experience menopause, and not Maude.  Who knew that Norman Lear spread the wealth of taboo around?  (FYI: Maude was the first to have an abortion.)
  • “Rolling Stone” magazine changed its size.  They went smaller and quite frankly it looks wrong.

Chapter Two – One Under Bar and Grill

  • Paying cover for a band sucks when you show up right before their set ends, and the group decides to leave before the next set starts because the overall scene is lame.  Even if it’s $3.  And even though you didn’t pay it (thanks Doctor J).
  • The Trivia Jockey from my usual Wednesday stop hits this bar after leaving the other bar.  Not a big deal.  Just if I was a couple pillow cases to the wind I wouldn’t have noticed.
  • Everybody knows a dude that looks like Al Pacino.

Chapter Three – Kickers Complex (I just learned that’s what it’s called!)

  • It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by bartenders.
  • You never want to hear a man sing Sara Bareilles’ “Love Song.”  Not even in an ironic way.  Trust me.
  • This song is supposedly popular, although I’ve never heard of it. 
    I know it’s country, but I’m familiar with the biggies.  This one?  I never even heard of its name.  Also, the two dudes singing David Allen Coe no favors.
  • Karaoke in an empty bar sucks.

Chapter Four – Plymouth Roadhouse

  • It’s equally nice and sad to be recognized by the bartender and the waitress.
  • When big screen projection TV’s are on their last legs, they look like crooked bootleg DVD’s of movies, minus people walking in front.
  • In theory, nobody knows shit about what’s going to happen to the Big Three Automakers.  The proof (as if you need it) is in the fact that everybody heard and knows something different.  Some of my favorite speculations: Ford will be picking up Jeep from GM, Chrysler will go bye-bye, GM will absorb Chrysler’s minivan division and make Dodge Ram their only truck, and Ford will get bought out by the Chinese but will keep the family name as part of the agreement.
  • And in closing, I learned that what Cerebus did in securing Chrysler was a lot like what Richard Gere’s character did in “Pretty Woman.”  They both bought a product at a reduced cost solely to strip it down and liquidate it for profit.  In essence – treat it like a whore (a regular one though… not Julia Roberts).

JusWondering… Are They Trying To Kill My Brain?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’m going on Day 20 of a major bender (I should be on a colonel bender by the end of the year, and an admiral bender by the end of January).   My brain has been paying the price, and as a byproduct, so has my writing.  (It’s all trivia’s fault!  But don’t worry – we got into the tournament… as if you cared.)

The follwing videos help my mental state in no way.

Do not watch this in its entirety.

In My Brain While Sleeping… The Bald And The Bug-tiful

Posted on by sgottahurt

Hubba Bubba (A gum created in 1979)

Hubba Bubba (A gum created in 1979)

Is Xenu in here?

Is Xenu in here?

Any dream involving a portion of the cast of “That 70’s Show” should be kind enough to include Mila Kunis.  This dream did, but the Brothers Masterson did they’re best to keep her from me.

 

I was visiting New York City, and I was wondering Times Square.  I stumbled upon a falafel shop and Danny and Christopher Masterson were manning the window.  They had aprons on and spatulas in their hand.  I approached and saw Mila in the background, slaving away at the fryer.

“Hey fellas,” I began.  They nodded like they knew me.  Mila rushed toward the front, but they held her back.

“Help get me out of here!  It’s a trap!”  (I think this comes from watching “Empire Strikes Back” over Thanksgiving weekend on Spike.)

The Brothers Masterson slammed the windows shut, and there were no visible doors.  As I hurried up and down the street searching for an entrance, I ran into him – Mr. Demi Moore himself, Ashton Kutcher.  He had a knit cap on and tried calming me down.

“Relax,” he said.  “I’ll help you get in there, but you have to do one thing.”  He paused.  “You need to find me a cool new hat.”  He took a step back and removed the winter garment from his head, revealing this:

...yikes...

...yikes...

It suddenly started raining hats, like in that car commercial where it rains shoes.  I found a nifty green pimp hat, handed it to him, and we were off on our way.

Turds of a feather...

Turds of a feather...

Then I was suddenly a cockroach.  But I could walk and talk.  I sounded sorta dopey, as did my one other buddy, Ralph.  It was a lot like “Joe’s Apartment,” which I have not seen since 1996, and coincidentally one of the roaches in that shares the same name.

My roach pal and I were caught in some kind of laboratory we were trying to escape, a la “Secret of NIMH.”  Adventures were had, and it culminated in a final battle with the scientist.  He was all that stood between us and freedom.  Ultimately, every cockroach but me enveloped him and devoured him, like how Professor Screweye died in “We’re Back! A Dinosaur’s Story.”  Since I could not find video of that – this will have to do:

Happy Find… Do You Love My Hair?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This song is a tribute to the age old question: what do women look for in a man?

(And my answer to the opposite of that question: a pair of drum-playing twins.)

(Thanks Dave)