Uncle Sean’s Story Time… Hoop There It Is!

Gather ’round, gather ’round, kiddies… it’s time for another one of Uncle Sean’s drunk stories… this one may explain where the “Twilight Zone” got its name… you know, ’cause something weird happened at twilight… well, at about 6pm or so…

The bulk of the friends I have I’ve had for almost all my life.  From grade school on, there’s about a handful of us that keep in close touch contact with each other, and still hang out.  They’re like brothers to me, and hence are like Uncles to you.

Your Uncle Tom and his then fiancée, Aunt Jenny, invited a group of us up to her family’s cabin.  Upon arrival, we spend a good amount of time chatting and partaking of spirits.  We had a late lunch and decided to head off to the lake.

It was a beautiful day, so they took us out on the boat.  I dove off the back while we were cruising (the spirits moved me to do it).  It was shallow where we were (I was unaware of that fact), so luckily we were at travelling speeds.  Otherwise, I might have sunk down rather than skim the top.  Nonetheless, I spent the rest of the ride drying off and grinning from ear to ear.

On land, where the towels were actually at, I continued to fill my tummy with carbonated carbs after I changed out of my bathing suit.  The basketball court was empty, so a few of us guys grabbed the orange orb from my car’s trunk and he hit the pavement.

Someone decided it would be a good idea to try to incorporate drinking into the gameplay.  So what we devised was each person had to hold a can in one hand, and dribble/shoot/block with the free hand.  If you spilled your lager – you had to drink.  If you spilled another player’s – you had to slam dunk yours.  We dribbled our way to 21 (ironic) for awhile, when a group of kids showed up.

They were adolescents and their numbers matched those of us playing.  They kept trying to steal the ball and play in our game, but as they did not have beers, we would not let them.

One of them was a little bit obnoxious, and one of your uncle’s wasn’t afraid to be obnoxious back.

One of them had a broken arm; one of your uncle’s broke his arm at that age.

One of them was plain clumsy, as I oft tend to be.

From the sidelines, your Uncle Rodney started laughing as the battle waged on.  The sun was lowering and the rest of the group was packing up to head back to the cabin.  I asked what he found so funny.

“They’re all miniature versions of you!  Even down to the hair color.”  Red for red, brown for brown, and blonde for blonde.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Don’t drink while out too long in the sun or you might cause a dimensional vortex that could threaten the fabric of our universe.

Neener, neener, neener, neener, duh-duh-DUH!

Neener neener, neener neener, duh-duh-DUH!

Happy Find… Yes, Let Me Taste Your Tears, Or Puddin’

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been a big brother, or if it’s simply because I’m a horrible human being… but the sight of people crying makes me smile. 

Sounds like evil to me.

Obviously, I find this video hilarious:

A question of whether it’s real or not is a moot point to me.  Did we wonder if Pee Wee Herman was a weirdo in real-life while we were enjoying “Pee Wee’s Big Adventure?”  Well, maybe we should have before giving him a kid’s show, but it doesn’t mean he’s still not funny.  Check out his episode from the first season of “30 Rock” or watch this weird bit from “Tom Goes to the Mayor:”

Drunken Recollection… 86 The ’76 Trivia, Stat!

Knowing about the following song won us a small victory at trivia last night (we took second place because I thought the movie “Poseidon” took place on Christmas rather than New Year’s). 

The question in question: Name one of two songs that had the word “disco” in it that hit #1 in 1976.  I swore that this song was the best option aside from  “Disco Inferno” and “Disco Fever” (which I don’t even think is a real song):

Turned out I was right.  Turns out the other song option was “Disco Lady” (?)

Shadoe Stevens... a Hollywood Square

Shadoe Stevens... A Hollywood Square

Rick Dees... Weekly Top Dorky

Rick Dees... Weekly Top Dorky

The biggest mistake I made (aside from the upside-down boat holiday movie inquiry) was thinking the song was song by this (<–) guy:

And not this (–>) guy:

In conclusion, here’s some random 70’s awesomeness from the Midnight Special that I’m so inclined to buy on DVD (damn you infomercials and my insatiable DVD addiction!)  It’s either that or the Dean Martin Variety Show.

For further trivia thrills (ha! yeah right), try to name everyone in the cast on “Futurama.”  I bet you’ll miss at least two, like we did.

For further betting thrills, go to the race track.

JusWondering… Mothers of Invention: Necessity, Giraffes, And Crappy SUV Drivers

Keeps the giraffes out in winter, thought I as a child.

Keeps the giraffes out in winter, thought I as a child.

I love infomercials, and I’m not ashamed of admitting that.  Considering I’m in the minority of people in this country that do not have cable or satellite TV (I technically do not have wireless Internet access either… but my neighbor does), I’m stuck with the six channels my antenna can get.  When I’m getting in late from the bar, infomercials are all I have.

(Now I know digital TV broadcasting doubles if not triples my options, but I’d still rather get snowy images than blocky screen freezes and “no signal founds” until February 17th, thank you very much.  And yes, I still use a VCR.)
Anyflobee, my point is this: people of America – there are still things to invent.  Take this recent discovery of mine… the Twin Draft Guard.  How fucking simple, yet no one until now has put pen to pad (and contacted InventHelp.com) and released it on the market.
I mean, I’ve had my share of ideas, as have my friends.
Like, for instance, um, I always wondered why gas stations didn’t have electronic signs, then boom!
Ah, remember those prices 4yrs ago... and 4wks ago...

Ah, remember those prices 4yrs ago... and 4wks ago...

My buddy, Jay, always thought they should have a faster way of paying for fast food, like a stick.  (He loves his fast food and paying with credit cards.)  Then Mobil showed up with the SpeedPass, and now more and more cards have RFID devices in them to speed things up.
Nifty vid:
I also know people who “invented” things like taco holders and glasses clips.  My dad made these for our house before there was even “The Club” for cars:
Does not work on doors made of glass... trust me on this one.

Does not work on doors made of glass... trust me on this one.

 My second confession on this post: I’m an idiot.  On this site, I’ve already gave away restaurant ideas and movie ideas.  I’m serious about the movie idea (original post here and announcement here).  Here’s a humdinger I want put into production immediately: The Asshole Blaster (okay, maybe a name change is required a name change is definitely required).

The idea is as simple as the Twin Draft Guard: it’s potato gun-type device that launches sticky slimeballs with declarations on them, like DOOSH or IDYUT (this guywould totally get IDYUT).  I thought of it during the recent snowfalls we had, and how people drive like physics don’t apply to their vehicle because they drive an SUV or a truck.  I saw more SUV’s and trucks in ditches and up shoulders than anything else.  This would be my prize slimeball for them:

N UR FACE!

N UR FACE!

Get Those Dummies Out Of Their Boxes For Boxing Day!

Jeff Dunham = douchebag

Terry Fator = genius

Bob and Chuck = still hilarious

Jeff Dunham has some of the ugliest puppets and lip disguises I’ve ever seen.  How this guy gets TV specials amazes me.

Terry Fator won “America’s Got Talent” and he should be taking Dunham’s place in no time.

Bob and Luke Skywalker Chuck were one of the best things on “Soap” and this is one of his best bits.

Happy Boxing Day!

Cover Your Ears! Merry Xmas From Henrietta And Merna!

I’m beginning to suspect that this cable access feature from the 90’s might have come from the archive of Michael Bay’s earlier works.  Notice the quick editing and flashy zooming jump cuts.  The action and the mystery never takes a break.

I’m fairly certain this inspired “Bad Boys.”  Compare the clips and see for yourself.

(Henrietta’s gloriously unexpected solo courtesy of Videogum)

Drunken Recollection… Monday Night Nerdfest

Monday Night Football Trivia was in full effect last night, and I learned that there were more U.S. soldiers in the Korean War vs. the Vietnam War, Turkey was not only a part of the Ottoman Empire and Iran was not only Persia (they were both a part of Mesopotamia), and prior to “Titanic,” the highest grossing Best Picture winner was “Forrest Gump.”

While the competition occurred (we were in third place before the last question, but we wagered all of our points on “Gone With the Wind” on guess-which-question), these were some of the topics of discussion:

  • I have had a song stuck in my head for a few days.  I had the melody and this lyric: And somebody picked on me.  It turns out that the lyric is actually: And somebody snitched on me.  The song was “I’m Getting Nothing for Christmas.”  (Thanks to Kelly for playing Scooby Doo on that one.)
  • Talk about holiday parties began, and about how cool it would be to hire a waiter or waitress for New Year’s Eve.  I thought it’d be funny to hire one for any day.  Have a couple of friends over… the waiter/waitress can change the channel, get us beers and snacks… you know, stuff like that.  When nothing was going on, the waiter/waitress could play video games with us, or watch the season finale of “Lost” with us.  We wouldn’t be dicks about it.  It would be for the sake of uncomfortable awkwardness and a good story to tell.
  • Speaking of dicks – this store’s name brought us grown infants a heaping amount of joy:
    I originally saved this file as dicks, but changed it to avoid confusion.
    I originally saved this file as ‘dicks,’ but changed it for obvious reasons.

    We talked about how their midnight madness sales could be called “nocturnal emissions” and that the idea for the event “came to them at night.”  This was the least crass example – trust me.

  • The night ended not at the bar, but playing “Call of Duty 4” once again.  As we were leaving, paintball was brought up, and one friend stated he would wait in a tree outside my other friend’s house in order to ambush him.  Due to the cold weather we’re experiencing, it was also brought up how he would freeze to death waiting.  Since this particular friend is leaving the state for a new job, everyone would think he left early, and no one would notice he was missing until the spring.  But since my friend didn’t clean all the leaves that are awaiting under two feet of snow, his body would get lost in the leaves… yada yada… I’ll stop there.  This is what video games are doing to adult minds – imagine what they do to the kids.

JusWondering… The Road Less Sneezed Upon

As I arrived at the office today, I realized something.  Well, just now I realized I’m either borderline British or pretentious because I was thisclose to typing realised, both times.  But the main thing I realised is that I have a real aversion to these bad boys:
Knock knock... Whos there? Germs... Germs ach-who!
Knock-knock… Who’s there?… Germs… Germs ach-who!

There’s two ways to get to my office, and I choose the way that has three doors to open vs. two.  You would think I’d choose the lesser of two infectious evils, but the path to more doors (must resist “Lord of the Rings” reference here… too late) consists of these precious humdingers:

I can open you with one finger... resisting other off-colour remarks... another Brit/pretentious retort!
I can open you with one finger… resisting other off-colour remarks… another Brit/pretentious retort!

If you think about how many disgusting hands that have touched these things… it gives me the gee-willikers (now I’m prohibition era comic strip talking).  I’d still rather use one finger to open the second doorknob, than use my entire hand on the first.

Now you know, and knowing is half the fracas (so pretentious it is.)

Drunken Recollection… Misunderstandings, Winter Wear, Big Noses, And A Song About Monkeys

After having bee trapped in my home for the last sixty hours (57.5 of which were probably spent on the couch) due to a snow storm, I finally ventured out last night.  Grant it, my car got stuck in the driveway, but I still managed to head out to one of my old dives.

While there, my friend, Jay, and I watched football highlights and waxed poetic about the old days in the joint.  We talked about whether the Lions would fail us and actually win a game.  And we laughed at the amateurs playing in a televised poker tournament (one woman named Ellen had no poker face, but she was kicking aces!)

On the ride back to the neighborhood, a conversation came up about Under Armour.  Don’t know how, but it proabably had to do with insulated clothing in the cold.  He brought up how they have cold weather lines and hot weather lines.  I wondered if I should invest in the hot weather line when I play soccer, yada yada.  The part that made me laugh was when Jay described the technology they use.

“Wicket,” I thought he said first.

“Like the Ewok?” I asked.

“Wicked,” he repeated.

“Like the porn company?” I wondered.

We didn’t get to me mishearing Wiccan, and I think we decided on Wicket (I can’t find anything about this on their site or Wiki page), but it reminded me of one of my all time favorite comedy scenes in a movie.  It’s from “Roxanne.”

It’s subtle – sure.  But I love misheard-based humor.  Here’s the lyrics for a song I wrote when I had a band named Monkey Spank Monkey Do that eventually became oddcookie.  (This sight was thatclose to having the original band name, but I was afraid of what type of people might visit).  We never did much as a band anyway.  Sorry I’m not attaching the music.  Whatever you make up in your head will probably be better anyway.

Simianuff

That day that you told me
You didn’t want to see me
Anymore I just didn’t know

I wanted to ask you why
You didn’t even start to cry
Up and out you gave this reply:

You never simianuff, you never simianuff, you never simianuff

After that I had went on home
My mind so far it had been blown
Away by your rationale

I wanted to ask what you
Meant by saying “simianuff”
But I didn’t want to piss you off

So in turn I became primate
And bought myself a monkey suit
Bananas and “Tree Climbing Monthly”

I hope I’m simian enough, I hope I’m simian enough, I hope I’m simian enough

I started hanging around you
Quite often literally
Being my new simian self

You acted like I was
Insane, was what you called me
I only did what I was told

So you said, “I’ll see you around”
Mumbled something under your breath
I haven’t ever seen you since

You never see me enough, you never see me enough, you never see me enough
You’re never seein’ me enough, you never simian enough, you never simianuff…
Oh fuck…

(P.S. I must also have a fascination with monkeys.)

All I Want For Christmas Is… More Scrubs Soundtracks

Aaah, “Scrubs.”  You are the middle child between “E.R.” (the secondone with George Clooney, not the first… look it up) and the highly comedic, though at most times unintentional, “Grey’s Anatomy,” and you’re still the best at what you do.  (I picked Michael Crichton’s show as a reference point because it was an issue when “Scrubs” premiered.  People wondered why they would need two shows about interns.  Ask CBS what they think about crime scene investigators… and for that matter, what NBC thinks about blending cop procedural and court cases.)

Mixing pathos and humor so well for seven seasons, like a fine chef or bottle-flipping bartender (more Bryan Brown than Tom Cruise), you finally started getting some respect once you hit that magical 100th episode (that’s when shows can get syndicated).  NBC had been dicking you around for years, and when the seventh season was up for grabs, ABC – your owner – was ready to take over.  Having little else going on over at NBC, they used up the short season (due to the writer’s strike), and then hung you out to dry.  You’ll get to finish your magnificent run on ABC starting in January, but that’s not what this post is about.

scrubsIt’s all about the music, baby.  No other show utilizes the music to advance the story quite like “Scrubs.”  Check out the integration of Colin Hay’s Overkill (formerly of Men at Work).  What upsets me is that they’ve only released one CD for sale after the first season (after the fifth season they did a collection only available on iTunes… 14 songs to cover four seasons), but i want more.

greyscd“Grey’s Anatomy” gets three CD’s, but they push their music, not quite like “Smallville” did at the end of its early episodes, but there still is a hey, check out this quirky new artist quality about it.  Hence them releasing three CD’s.  “Scrubs” just lets it be, and maybe that’s why I prefer music from them.  It’s between the show and the audience – there is no marketing department forcing the producers’ hands.  So when season six ends on Say Anything’s Alive with the Glory of Love, I should just accept it as the way it is and be happy.

What?  There’s a torrent full of “Scrubs” music?  Never mind.