There’s not much more than can be said about this Happy Find than can be said by this logo:
If it doesn’t make any sense, here’s the translation: Selleck Waterfall Sandwich. And you haven’t had your fill of 80’s facial hair, beautiful flowing landscapes, and, well, meat and cheese between bread slices, here’s a tasty taste:
A submarine sandwich? How rich! (Click image if the GIF isn't working)
Feel free to think of this post as a belated Valentine’s Day present, or as a Heart Shaped Boxing Day present for our Canadian friends!
I kind of like how the red Hug-E-Gram crosses out the one lady. I really like how the salesman swears with reckless abandon.
If time machines existed, I would go ahead in time one week to pick up the Hug-E-Gram I’d order today, then I’d go back 50 or so years and bring him a set of plush arms so he could record that message of love for his boss.
Not the picture I set out to find, but a joy nonetheless.
I’ve searched, and I’ve searched, and I’ve searched for some things on the web that I thought I would never find.
Two such misses, and one hit:
1) There was a radio ad for Orange Crush that was so ridiculous it would be redonkulous. In it, two terrible voice actors try to sound like hip high-schoolers, and these things happen:
They both talk about watching one of their moms work out
They refer to Orange Crush as OC
The friend hints that he wants to bang his friend’s mom
And that’s just the tip of the slimy iceberg, written in the corporate Poochie kind of thinking. Fitness MILF’s – check. Slang terms – check. Dumb sounding high schoolers – check…
Pick your Poochie
Every time I heard it, I wished I had a quicker record feature on my phone, or that my blog was famous so I could sic my fans on the TripleDoubleU to track this down.
2) There’s a local plastic surgeon that had a fantastic commercial on TV for a while. In it, the announcer explained all the feats he was capable of performing, and the camera zoomed in and swirled around him and his folded arms. He nodded his head at each accomplishment in complete amazement and agreement. The best part – he was floating in the sky.But alas, he has one TV ad on his website, and this one it ain’t.
3) This one I found. Even though it’s heart is in the right place, the show’s format would make Tim and Eric jealous. It’s entitled K.E.Y.S. Kids, and it is a low-budget trip fest. To begin, K.E.Y.S. is an acronym for Kids Enjoy Your Selves, which basically makes the full title Kids Enjoy Your Selves Kids.
Is anyone else terrified?
You must check out the opening of the show, available at the bottom of this page. When I was a kid, this was the local offering:
Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:
Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair
But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here. You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.
Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:
Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.
1) Alternate names
The extra "W" is for "WTF?"
On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation.
The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.
2) Parasites
Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!
I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shoredo have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course). It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness. Like syphilis.
3) Scavengers
Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."
Snooki sure loves her pickles.
Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.
4) Toxic skin
Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.
I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous. I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS. Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too. (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.)
5) Legends
They could be friends, doncha think?
Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better. As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:
He is The Situation.
Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:
Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark. (via Wikipedia)
Now that’s quite a situation.
BONUS THING NOT HELD IN COMMON:
Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long. The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.
There’s a common misconception on the TripleDoubleU about Actor!Sean Bean:
He dies in like 85% of his movies!
Another misconception - this is his brother.
The fact of the matter (according to my limited research) is that he’s died in hardly any of his films:
Patriot Games
GoldenEye
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
Equilibrium
The Hitcher
I believe it’s the 1-2-3 punch of his higher profile roles leading up to LOTR. Not many knew who he was when he played the bad guy in the second Jack Ryan film, but that lead to him getting recognized as Agent 006 in the successful James Bond reboot, and then of course, Boromir – the most noble of his deaths. And the seed was officially planted.
There are plenty of Actors! that have died more in the movies (Robert DeNiro has 14 times, Bruce Willis has 11, Johnny Depp has 9 1/2… the article that explains the 1/2, and lists more can be found here).
The Sean Bean Effect is alive and well for those guys, and he may one day catch up and surpass them, but what about Actors! that die in television shows?
I’m going to name that effect after this guy:
Jeffrey Dean Morgan, of the Jeffrey Dean Morgan Effect
Not only did Jeffery Dean Morgan have high-profile deaths in Watchmen and P.S. I Love You, he died or was dead or was a ghost in these shows:
Weeds
Supernatural
Grey’s Anatomy
(BONUS: A victim of both TheSB and JDM Effects – Alan Tudyk. He played Wash in the awesome show Firefly, and died in the theatrically released Serenity. He also died in the reboot of V.)
I searched for "wp.com," and I'll I got was this lousy t-shirt. Thanks, Bing!
Decision engine, my ass. There’s no decision to make here, Microsoft.
If you think I wanted Hewlett-Packard’s website, or a website about Poland, I would have typed HP or Poland. HP gets mentioned three times on one page, and WordPress’s abbreviated URL isn’t even mentioned once. Hmm. Where’s the ad revenue coming from? It’s not like Microsoft and HP have any common interests, do they? (For the record, Washington Post makes some sense, but their website is their name and not their initials, unlike WordPress.com!)
Decision engine sounds more like a retconning decision, as in “We have a crappy search engine… how can we explain why it’s that way?”
Decision engine. Fucking decision engine. I’ve decided to stick with Google. (BONUS: Outdated catchphrase coming up!) And that’s my final answer.
"Baaad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-bad-Bing, big boo..." he might have crooned.
My second sacrifice offering comes in the form of a couple that’s very into S&M. Well, the sadism and masochism comes in the form of Prank Vs. Prank… at least the stuff they allow us to see…
Numero 3 is in fact Numero 3 in a series of Creed spoofs. You remember Scott Stapp and crew, right? Well according to this particular video they only remember to perform when the camera’s on them to not just hilarious, but hil-ar-i-ous, effect. (More dubs from the Spirit Switchboard.)
This video is last because it probably warms my heart the most. Rhett and Linkhave made it on this site before since I share my love of terrible local commercials with them, but this piece… play me off, El Guapo! (And for the record -yes, I’m aware Cuba is not in Mexico… I know it’s in Florida.)
This has popped up on more than a few of the other websites I frequent, and I’ve watched it every time. I didn’t expect much from a simple, outdated premise, but it still makes me laugh.
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