Toys

Drunken Recollections… Coconuts And Bowling Balls

Posted on by sgottahurt

What else did you expect this post to open with?

Train rides are not commonplace for me back home, let alone drunken train rides.  While I’m in Prague, I’ve gotten quite used to them.

During one of my many discussions with Steve, we started on the topic of tropical films, namely Couples Retreat.  I mentioned that it’s a general rule that films that take place in vacation spots feel like half-assed movies.  Everyone’s in paradise!  Why would they want to work?

So we started thinking about the exceptions and the rules.  Obviously, on the inebriated spot, we didn’t mention most of these:

RULES

  • Couples Retreat
  • Club Dread (I liked this one, but it really isn’t that good)
  • Club Paradise
  • The Beach
  • Into the Blue
  • Blue Crush
  • Fool’s Gold
  • Six Days, Seven Nights
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End
  • A Perfect Getaway
  • Jaws: The Revenge
  • 50 First Dates (also likeable but weak… let alone twisted)
  • Summer Rental
  • Joe Versus the Volcano
  • Captain Ron
  • Cabin Boy
  • Cutthroat Island
  • The Pirate Movie
  • The Heartbreak Kid (remake)
  • My Father the Hero

EXCEPTIONS

  • Forgetting Sarah Marshall
  • Cast Away
  • Jurassic Park
  • Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
  • One Crazy Summer (you gotta give me this one)
  • Point Break (you don’t hafta give me this one)

UNDECIDEDS

  • Blue Lagoon
  • Return to Blue Lagoon (probably a RULE)
  • The Heartbreak Kid (original)
  • Lord of the Flies
  • Open Water
  • Scooby-Doo
  • Weekend at Bernie’s
  • Weekend at Bernie’s II (probably a RULE, too)

It even applies to TV shows, if not more so than.  But I’ll save that for another post.

Oh!  And as to why there’s a mention of bowling balls – Steve wondered what it would take to have a bowling lane in your home.  If it looked like this…

"Pardon me, but I left my shoes in my other bowling alley."

…then it would only cost $88,000.  If it looked like this…

Yep. I went there because it's easy.

…then prepare to shell out $149.99.  Plus tax.

Did I miss any?  Did I misplace any?  Comment below!

In My Brain While Sleeping… You Never Wanna Dream This Feeling

Posted on by sgottahurt

Welcome to the nightmare.

I don’t know if our time was up.  If it was the end days, it was the last day.  Our destroyer had arrived, and whether it was giants, transparent entities, The Big Guy (or Gal), or aliens, the method of our demise was tantamount to pulling our plugs.

No really.  It was as if our plugs were pulled out.  Specifically, our spines.

For me, it wasn’t a smooth transition from the here to the next.

As we waited like Chicken McNuggets in a 50 piece box for our turn, we remained silent, contemplative, reliving every moment of our lives.  I was the only one that seemed to be panicky.  When I was lifted up for the extraction, I was wiggling.  The overlord grabbed my tailbone, and yanked.  It felt like a giant tooth being pulled out of your ass and a plank-sized splinter from your mind.

I was a piled mess.  But I was still aware.

As I looked around at the other human globules, I realized they no longer contained life.

I couldn’t scream.  I couldn’t even make a peep.  How was I going to get their attention to inform them that I wasn’t destroyed?

They knew, though.  And quickly I was lifted back up.  My spine was shoved back into my body, and like a plumbing snake, it was fished about and yanked once again.  With this, I woke up.

Now how is this a post about pop culture?  Here are some pop culture representations of how I felt:

Mojo from the X-Men

Chet from Weird Science

Mr. Bill after an accidentMr. Potato Head in Toy Story 3

Paul "Shitbreak" Finch in American Pie



Harry Dunne in Dumb and Dumber (and CNN broadcast)

Pizza the Hutt in Space Balls

Melting guy in Street Trash

Chicken McNuggets

(SIDENOTE: I highly recommend not ever having this dream.)

INGREDIENTS: Kielbasa bought at 1am outside of a train station in Prague.  (First Czech Republic trip shout out!)

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… How Video Games Could Go The Way Of The Cinema

Posted on by sgottahurt

I could start this post off with a partisan political slam, but that’s not what this site is about, so I won’t.

Instead, I will hint about it and borrow Stephen Colbert’s concept of

TRUTHINESS

because this about something I can’t prove, but it just feels right.

Allow me to begin with an image:

It's better that swallowing pennies.

What you see is a computer generated image of my gut feeling that video games may soon go the way of the cinema.

By that I don’t mean they will soon become megaplexes that take over strip malls and shut down at the earliest signs of ticket sale decline.

No, instead I feel that as new games become easier and easier to produce and replicate, the quality will decrease.

As of right now, according to some random person the video game industry releases 30 major releases per year.  That’s less than one per week.

Hollywood, on the other hand, releases at least one movie per week, and usually it’s more than that.  According to another random source, in 2007, there were 453 movies made.  That’s the amount of movies produced, and not necessarily released, but you can see the vast difference.

Now back to the gaming market.  Of those alleged “truthy” 30 games – even if there were 100 – that’s not taking into account the new outlets available.  The iPhone/iPod Touch.  Android devices.  The Nintendo, Sony, and Microsoft marketplaces.  Games are being released at alarming rates, and what happens when that, um, happens?

I’ll put it in movie terms.

For every Inception, you’ll get Yogi Bear, The Last Airbender, Jonah Hex, Eat Prey Love, The Killers…

I miss the old days of the anticipation for the newest Zelda game (wait we still do) or the next Super Mario (ditto).

The long and the short of it is… creative industry insiders should take their time to make one solid film/game versus ten mediocre ones.  Let’s get back to The Shit, and far away from Just Shitty.

All I Want For Christmas Is… This!

Posted on by sgottahurt

I feel fuzzy that this one is a no-brainer.  It’s available from ThinkGeek and…

"Tauntauns roasting on an open fire..."

Awww… gawdammit!  It’s the stupid Wampa Rug that’s for sale…

InASense, Lost… What Disturbs Me More?

Posted on by sgottahurt

I was all prepared to do a whole diatribe about this racist Duncan Hines cupcakes ad, but then I realized that site already did it justice (although not much funny).

Also… I found that this disturbed me more:

After watching, I’m sure a lot of people might be inclined to say:

Of course it’s German!

But then I realized these toys came from America and suddenly, clay-pooping dachshunds don’t seem so bad.

As for Duncan Hines – they still have mud on their face.  (There was probably a better way to say that.)

Happy Find… Sweded Mutant Ninja Turtles

Posted on by sgottahurt

The concept of “Sweding a film” may no longer be in vogue, much like saying whether or not something is in vogue, but I love what these guys have done.

It’s pretty self-explanatory.

It’s awesome.

It’s a live-action version of the intro to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon:

So, Duh! Pop Quiz… Computers In Movies Edition

Posted on by sgottahurt

How this made it to market I'll never know...

I don’t want to call this one a “phone-in”… perhaps it could be called a “dial-up”…

I found this site Access Main Computer File that collected screen caps from many flicks that contained computer displays, so I stole five, gave them credit for it, and made a So, Duh! Pop Quiz.

See if you can guess which cinematic masterpiece these masterpc‘s came from.

If you need an example, here’s one:

This is from Witches of Eastwick, right?

Anyweblog, let’s begin.

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

(Answers after the jump) Read More

Awful Battle… Gifts That Tell Her How You Really Feel

Posted on by sgottahurt

Don’t know what to get that special lady in your life?  (And I’m not talking about your mom.)  Then look no further than these brilliant Awful Battle ideas!

First up – when costume jewelry is just too cheap and gaudy, then it’s time to upgrade to Charmed Memories from Kay Jewelers:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

If bejeweled scrap metal doesn’t quite carry the weight you’d hope (and they do look heavy), howzabout you help her hide the weight with Kymaro Body Shapers:

(SIDENOTE: Don’t you think this simulation is pushing it?)

 

body shaper

This reminds me of Arnie and DeVito in "Twins" for some reason.

 

This last idea might not just be for the ladies.  It’s the Trojan’s Tri-Phoria vibrator, and… well, just watch and witness the groom’s unfettered excitement (at the 52 second mark):

And for the record, what does Tri-Phoria have to do with euphoria?  It’s not Deux-Phoria or Two-Phoria…

If I was in charge, I would have figured out a way to make it a quadruple vibrator (as opposed to a triple vibrator, however that works), and called it the – wait for it…

EuFOURia.

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Call It An “O’Rigin” Story

Posted on by sgottahurt

I can’t believe I’ve never realized this before:

(Thanks Tina!)

Hibbidy-Wah?! 25 Years Passed Again?!

Posted on by sgottahurt

First, I could deal with it when Back to the Future celebrated its 25th Anniversary:

Remember that Saturday Night Live skit where Dana Carvey kept singing, "Gotta go back in time" to Michael J. Fox while they were in an elevator? Yeah, neither do I.

Then it kind of stunned me when I found out Super Mario Bros was also 25 years old (watch the video on the linked site for some digital nostalgia):

Are we sure this wasn't an Atari 7800 game?

And then! I found out Elmo from Sesame Street has been around for a quarter century:

He's the one that's not Grover.

But this was the last straw… the Chicago Bears Super Bowl Shuffle happened 5×5 years ago:

(Bonus Elmo and Ricky Gervais video after the jump) Read More