JusWondering… Lions Need To Draft Cheerleaders

Another weekend has come and gone.  That means the Detroit Lions can add one more to the number on the right, notching them up to 0-11.  The road ahead looks bleak, but if the New England ButtPats can go for 16 and 0, then so can we!

But I have a theory.  It’s not full-proof, but neither is the theory of relativity… particularly when my Uncle Stan drinks full-proof whiskey on Thanksgiving.  Seriously, is he even related to me?!

Anyhooperthedetroitpistonsmascot, when the Lions use the draft picks received from the Roy Williams trade to Dallas, and the inevitable *crosses finger* first round pick from the undefeated season, I say we use them on a cheerleader squad.  At this point, I say we try anything.

First off, it will get the fans back in the seats so there are no more game day black-outs.  (Us guys are stupid this way.)  That way, it won’t matter if we win or lose.  A simulation:

One friend to another – “Ahhh, not another interception!”
Friend in return – “Hey, check out that hot POA!” 

Smiles on everyone’s face!

Second off, look what adding the Automotion to Detroit Pistons games did for them… six Conference Appearances, two Conference Titles, one Championship.  Coincidence?  (I pronounced it co-inside-ence? to be funny in my head.  Try it.)

Third off (bra-level… yay!), every other team but two has cheerleaders!  (I pronounced it teambuttwo… y’know, real fast in my head, so it sounded like Timbuktu.  For no reason.)

It’s not that every team that has cheerleaders does well, or vice versa.  (Cleveland had a good run in the late 80’s and the New York rammed the ButtPats in last years Super Bowl – and they don’t have cheerleaders.  Is it because they’d be the Brown Girls or the Giant Girls?  You be the judge.)

In closing, some suggestions for the Lions Cheerleaders name, besides simply that or the Lionesses:

  • The Lions Down
  • The Always Lions
  • The Assembly Lions
  • The Lions Around Unemployed
  • The Running Game
  • The Lost Hope… or The Last Hope
  • The Pipe Dreams
  • The Who Cars Anymore?
I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita, and as I continue you know they're getting sweeter

I like Angela, Pamela, Sandra and Rita, and as I continue you know they're getting sweeter

Detroit Lions’ Unsung Hero

Forward down the field...

Does not Spight the Lions...

Forget about Daunte Culpepper (for now anyway).  He’s got to get used to the Lions’ shitty defense and shitty offense before he can manage anything with this team.

I want to put a shout out for the one guy at Ford Field that has it the hardest (and I’m not talking about kicker Jason Hanson) – Theo Spight.

He’s the guy on the field that has to get excited, even when the Lions are down 38-7 against the Jacksonville Jaguars, and they just scored against second stringers.

The song has a long history dating back to the 1930’s, which is about the last time they were any good.

Footage from Ford Field:

Live footage rockin’ out with band (at 2:40 mark):

Lyrics to Gridiron Heroes.

EXCLUSIVE: Excerpts From Obama’s “First Draft” Of Victory Speech Found In Potbelly’s Trash Can

As powerful as expected, President Elect Barack Obama gave his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park last night.  My sister, Becky, was there to witness it as it happened. 

I was just there over the weekend, as I mentioned in another post, to see the Lions get beat by the Bears, barely.  (I was wearing my #20 Seanders jersey, and you better believe I was the nicest guy in Soldier Field ever, but I digress.)  I was kind of waiting for the inevitable to happen before I revealed this, but… I found a copy of Obama’s first draft of the speech.

It turned up in a trash bin outside of a Potbelly near Michigan Avenue.  What was I doing looking in the trash, you might wonder, and rather than let your mind wander, I’ll share this… my sister threw out half of her cookie I totally would have eaten!

Some highlights from the speech, followed by excerpts of the alleged first draft:

He opened the speech with talk of the American dream, and about the people that waited in record lines to vote.

It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay, straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message to the world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or a collection of red states and blue states.

He originally planned to finish that statement with this: “…of states of confusion and states of clarity.”

After more positivity, he spoke about his opponent:

Sen. McCain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought even longer and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We are better off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.

I thought this part would have been nice had he kept it: “And wasn’t he great on Saturday Night Live?  The part about the Joe action figures, and the pork knives… heck, the whole thing was pretty hilarious.”

I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’ve achieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead.

“Oh, and thanks, again Senator for choosing the Governor as your running mate.  Really, really thanks.”

He goes on to thank Vice President Elect Joe Biden, his wife, his children, his grandmother that passed away the day before the election, and the rest of his family.  Then he brought up his friends.

And to my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of this campaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, in the history of the United States of America. To my chief strategist David Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.

“And Bill… you know who you are, and where you are.  Whether you’re above ground, or underground.”

But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you.

“And to you, and you, and you… (point at random people for about ten minutes).”

The remainder pretty much remained the same, except for the very ending.

This is our time, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity for our kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; to reclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that, out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where we are met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can.

Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.

“And thanks for taking a chance on me.”  Then he planned to close with one of these songs:

Or Flo Rida’s hit:

(Full actual transcript from CNN here.  Full actual video of speech here.)

 

OMBR! (Oh My Brett Ratner!)

The genius that is Brett Ratner – I’m not even smart enough to find the words.  His originality is unmatched; his levels of depth unfathomable.  (Ha! A pun!)  He is the answer to our unanswerable prayers.

Oh, yeah… Did I forget to mention today is Opposite Day?  (Except when it comes to voting… It’s so Opposite Day that it’s NOT Opposite Day… whoa, deep…)

Now grant it, Heidi Klum is one helluva new addition to America’s citizenship ranks, but Brettcrack was paid beaucoup bucks to brand Guitar Hero, as if the popular game needed help.  (FYI: he came up with the name “World Tour” – he’s like a the fucking Stephen Hawking of pop culture!)

This is technically the fourth video that’s exactly the same… much like his “Rush Hour” movies.  Click here for the athletes version and here for the American Idols commercials.

God, he infuriates me.  But perhaps he’s worth what he’s paid… look at all the attention I’m giving him.

BONUS: Now with a fifth commercial (Director’s Cut)!  It must have been difficult to get a German underwear model to dance in next to nothing… I don’t know how Brettcrack does it.

Michigan Population, Now + 2

Holy crapola!  I was going to write a post about Daunte Culpepper getting signed to the Lions earlier, and I’m glad I waited…

The Answer is coming to the Pistons, too!  Allen Iverson wasn’t a big fan of our former coach, Larry Brown… or practice for that matter.

We have hadn’t this many marquee players in town since the 2003-4 Red Wings roster (even though hockey doesn’t really count, right rest of America?)

I mean, the 2006 Tigers had… I give up.  The last superstar we had is a gimme – Barry Sanders. 

(SIDENOTE: My buddy, Jay was a huge Barry fan.  He would have probably given anything to meet him.  One night, in a Canadian strip club, two of my other friends ran into him at the bar, and they exchanged words.  Barry left not soon after, and walked right past Jay as he was getting a $10 table dance.  I don’t know… I find it funny.)

Well, whether this is good news or not will play out in the future, but it may pay off for me much earlier.  You see, I have plans to get personalized sports jerseys for each of the teams.  I already have my #20 Seanders Lions Jersey.  I’m waiting to make sure Curtis Granderson is a Tigers’ franchise guy before I get a #28 Grandersean jersey, because I almost got a #14 Seanahan before Brendan Shanahan was traded to the Rangers (I hope he returns to retire with us, but I always have the option of #13 Datsean – #19 Yzersean seems to be pushing it).  Prior to Iverson, my best Piston pun would have been Taysean, but that’s Prince’s first name.  Could there be a Iversean jersey?

Anyhoopsandhuddles, welcome aboard, Daunte and Allen!  Hopefully, we don’t suck your souls.

Minor Facts That Didn’t Make It To The Fact Sheet

FACT 1: I never stop my engine when I get gas.  Someone yelled at me the other day about it.

But my argument is that it saves me at least 38 seconds, every three days, in my hectic high paced life of writing and fixing computers and drinking.  This video is why I don’t fix my sweater when I get out of my car:

 
I really do wish it was also a lesson in how blowing on a flaming gas dispenser, or scraping it on the cement to put a fire out, is a bad idea, but we can’t have everything I guess.

FACT 2: I play soccer.  It’s indoor, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t been rocked in the face by a kicked ball.

Scratch that “getting rocked” comment above.  I get pebbled compared to this guy:

 
And that’s not even that bad, in comparison to this.

FACT 3: And speaking of getting rocked, I was at one point an aspiring rock star.  (This is way before I realized my dreams playing Rock Band.)

I was perhaps a little better than this guy:


At least, I would have had the common sense not to be in a shower in my video.  If I did, then the world would know I shower in swim trunks.  I must stop doing that!

In My Brain While Sleeping… Short and Sweet

I’ll cut these odd, recollected flashings to the point:

The Short:

Just like them, except more thumb-like

Just like them, except more thumb-like

There was a pair of thumb-shaped people.  Each of them were about two-feet tall, one man, one woman.  They dressed in the style of traditional (stereotypical?) Dutch people.  The weird thing was the guy had to stay laying down, otherwise his organs would shift and kill him, and the lady had to stay standing for the same reason.  They were on a news report in my dream that stated, “They’re perfect for each other.  He can pick up low things, and she can grab things that are high… well, two-feet high…”

 

The Sweet:

me

Not pictured: me, spaghetti

I was hanging out with Posh and Becks.  We were at their house, in which everything was pure white – the fancy carpet, the leather couches, the marble end tables.  Posh was leaning over the end table, leafing through magazines.  Becks was relaxing across one of the couches (I think it was the love seat, but I didn’t want to put that… oops… at least I didn’t put he was shirtless… damn!)  I was sitting on the floor across from Posh, at the end of the coffee table.  We were all eating spaghetti for some reason.  Finis.

Yummy... wait, what?
Yummy… wait, what?

(Above pic from Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster)

Bonus spaghetti: Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!

From Adult Diapers to Cursive Z’s (A Drunken Recollection)

Update: Remembered a Q and Z!  Now with more O!

Last night, as usual, the conversations danced around like the carbonation in the libations.  Here’s a rundown of the lowdown in alphabetic order:

A -> Adult Diapers.  Apparently, some people wear them to rock concerts so they don’t lose their spot.  Discussion of wearing them to the bar any night reeked of laziness.
B -> b (the lower case letter).  A malformed handwritten form of this letter prompted another to mention that it looked like a stick person’s foot.  This prompted me to ask if “d” was the other foot.
C -> Cursive Writing.  This sprung out of the “b” incident.  Heated (lukewarm) debate began over capital F’s.  Capital I’s, Q’s, X’s and Z’s were remembered fondly.  (And conveniently.)
D -> Darts.  The game was played.  I never achieved Swiss Cheez athleticism (see S).
E -> ESPN.  And their stupid show where people play Madden ’09.  To borrow liberally from SNL (and specifically Seth and Amy), “Really?”
F -> F (see C)
G -> George and Ma’am.  “Why do you call George, George, and me, Ma’am, instead of Katherine?” / “Because it’s close to Mom.”  (see W – ha, like the channel!)
H -> Hole.  Courtney’s “Celebrity Skin” was played on the digital jukebox, when we really wanted to play… (see V – ha, like the resume!)
I -> I (see C – ha, like Intensive Care Center… wait that’s not funny)
J -> “Jake’s Again.”  Home of the delectable $3.25 CHEESEBURGER… IF ONLY I COULD CAPITALIZE THE $3.25
K -> Kan’t think of anything.
L -> Lions.  Alex Karras played for them.  He was married to Susan Clark.  They were on a show together.  (see W – not as funny the second time)
M -> Maverick.  Not our ol’ GOP pals.  The increbidle (I mixed up my left and right feet) ride at Cedar Point.
N -> Nope, nothing to see here.
O -> Olympic Figure Skating.  Specifically – Men’s Figure Skating.  Particularly – Brian Boitano, and whether he was Canadian or American.  The argument found footing* in the South Park Movie because he did not have a flapping head.  *(SIDENOTE: db <– regular footing; bd <– pigeon-toed, or shy, footing)
P -> Proposal 2.  In Michigan, it’s about stem cell research, and the funding it gets.  Fun ding?  Funny!
Q -> Q (see C… for cop out)… No wait!  Quints!  We chatted about how the old toyline would prove to be an interesting costume.
R -> Relationships.  I daydreamed my ideal situation – the woman would be beautiful and mysterious.  She would belittle me almost everyday, but tell me she still cares about me.  She’d disappear for days at a time and I’d go crazy, wondering about her, waiting for her return.  When she’d come home, I’d question where she’d been.  She’d get angry and threaten to leave me for good.  I’d withdraw the question and find happiness once again in her arms.  Ah, true love.
S -> Swiss Cheez.  Normally, as an athlete or skilled competitor, I’m moderate at best.  That’s me in the air pockets of the Cheez.  But every once in awhile, I hit the Cheez and look out!
T -> Trivia.  That’s why we were out ‘n about.  Check out the details here.
U -> Universe.  What we’re here for, and how everyone wants to be told what to do and to be like – but you can’t anyone that’s what they want.
V -> Violet.  “Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to!”
W -> “Webster.”  Two episodes I remember from this show: the time Webster thought his photography teacher stole his picture to win a magazine contest (they happened to take the same snapshot of a tree, but the winning pic had the teacher at the bottom of the frame!), and the other ‘sode had young Webster walking in on George and Ma’am getting busy.  They told him they were “changing a lightbulb,” so when Webster’s friend (a girl) came over, they got nude to “change a lightbulb.”  Kids!
X -> X (see C… for cheap)
Y -> You had to be there.
Z -> Z (see C, si?)  No, wait… Zenith.  Did you know they created the first remote control?

Three Things I Learned At The Lions Game

I’m a glutton for punishment.  Yes, I went to watch the Lions take on the Redskins at Ford Field.  Yes, I’m even going to Chicago next weekend to see them battle the Bears.  And why, you ask?

I could be lame and say – beer.  I could be lamer and say – the ladies.  It’s sure not the boys in blue and silver (and dammit if they didn’t get my hopes up again!)

It’s for the things you can learn when you least expect it.  So now I present to you, three things I learned at the Detroit Lions game:

1) You can make plastic out of plants.  You read that right.  And where did I stumble upon this discovery?  My beer cup.  The best part about the company that makes the plant-plastic cups?  Their website is F-K.

2) The Detroit Lions Pet Calendar is not a derogatory euphamism calendar.  A sale can be a powerful, um, selling tool.  At $10 a pop (for the calendar, not a soda… though that price is close), I considered getting one.  If I had, this is a sample of what I would have found.

3) Pornology would make a great name for a website.  But alas, it has already been taken, and not for any good use.  When my buddy, Jay, mispronounced the root word, I swore if the domain name was available, I’d be making a career switch.

Ah, the Power of Beer in a plastic cup made from plants..

JusWondering… Red Vs. Blue (Phillies Vs. Rays)

UPDATE: Now with working video.

Last night, as I watched the end of Game 3 of the World Series between the Tampa Bay Rays and Philadelphia Phillies, I found myself further rooting for Tampa Bay, and I might have realized why.

At first, it was easy to root for them – they were playing against the dreaded Boston Red Sox for the Pennant.  Now grant it, there’s always going to be a special place at the top of my shit list for the New York Yankees, but Boston sure ain’t far behind.  That’s because of all Boston teams (well, the Bruins are kind of like their Lions).  They came close to winning three titles in the same year (the Sox and the Celtics did it), but the New York Giants stopped Brady’s Butt Pats in their tracks.  (Thanks, Eli!)

I want Detroit to be the sports capital – I want at least two of the three great teams here to win in the same year at least once (I’ve written you off Lions, ‘natch).  So as I watched the game, I thought I may have found a kindred spirit in Tampa Bay.  It’s a do-over for the Detroit Tigers, with the Philadelphia Phillies standing in for the St. Louis Cardinals.  They both made it to the World Series the after having recent last place seasons and they each beat the Big Bad Wolf in their way there (we knocked out the Yankees in the ALDS and swept the A’s in the ALCS!)

Then the next realization hit me like a foul ball (while eating a cheese pretzel) – the color scheme’s the same!  Red vs. Blue.  If the MLB brass had their druthers, their dream series of Boston vs. LA carried the same palette.

This got me wondering how often this happened in baseball… this Red vs. Blue pattern.  Then I digressed and remembered this gem:

…Then, I digressed beyond that and thought of two films I recently watched within a 24-hour period that followed the same pattern.  Enjoy!

(If you can’t watch this entire clip below, skip to 6:20 mark.)