Sports

JusWondering… Why Do I Want Superpowers For Mediocre Uses?

Posted on by sgottahurt

This idea came about when I was thinking about how I really, really, really, would like a Lightsaber™ only to steal cool street signs.

Funny_street_sign

Hello hilarity, soon to be hanging on my basement wall!

I also might be inclined to use it to put holes in things, but otherwise, that’s all I would use a Lightsaber™ for.  Not for good, not for (truly) evil – only for comedy.

Then it occurred to me that I think the same way in regard to having superpowers.  My reasons to possess them aren’t grand by any means.

1) Flight

meflying

"Here I come to ruin the day!"

I talked about this once before, but I’ll bring it up again.  If I could fly, I’d use it to travel, of course, since it would cut my commute time to work in half!  (I’m still employed with this amazing ability.  Great fantasy.)  But the biggest trick I’d pull would involve me showing off my new talent at the Academy Awards™ while the stars walked the Red Carpet®… you know, just to show them up.

2) Invisibility 

douchexpress

C'mon... he deserves it...

If I could turn as transparent as the Balloon Boy Hoax©, I wouldn’t be hanging out in ladies’ locker rooms (although I might sneak into gym to workout for free if I was so inclined).  I’d use it key douchebags’ cars.  If you’d like to know what I’d take the time to scrape – see above.  Carrie Underwood (Patent Pending) should take notes before the next time he cheats…

3) Indestructibility

Bar fights, natch.  Maybe X-Treme Sports®…You know, just to show douchebags up.

4) Super Strength

I’ve always wanted a steamroller to run over different things.  I suppose I’d do the same (or at least similar) with my own hands.

5) Telekinesis

To be lazy.  From my couch.  Also – my bed.  Maybe the shower.

6) Telepathy

To win arguments.  And ladies’ hearts…

7) Time Travel

I’d go back a few days to post this on time on monkeyBLOGmonkeyDO™.

In My Brain While Sleeping… Battling Princesses

Posted on by sgottahurt

A Princess I Can Get Behind

A Princess I Can Get Behind

Apparently, I’m a thirteen year old girl.  Why else would I have a dream about princesses?  Well, I could understand why I’d have a dream about princesses, but this dream… well, here it goes:

  • There were two Disney-esque princesses – Pink Dress and Light Blue Dress.
  • They were best friends since the were children, and they somehow lived in the same kingdom.  So maybe they weren’t both princesses, but I digress.
  • In their teen years, a rift grew betwixt them (like that verbiage?), and Pink was banished.  Light Blue ruled alone.
  • Pink went away and learned the art of telekinesis*.
  • When she returned to reclaim her position in the kingdom, she used her new power to easily make her way to Light Blue.
  • In the time Pink was gone, Light Blue had built up an army – an army of heavily armed soldiers.  I’m talking like SWAT team style.
  • Pink stood before Light Blue, ready to make peace or make pieces (you see, she had a sword… I should have mentioned that).
  • The soldiers surrounded Pink, ready to fire.
  • Light Blue mocked Pink, stating the futility of her efforts.  She wondered aloud if Pink could stop an onslaught of bullets…
  • Without hesitation, Pink used her telekinesis* to spin the soldiers to face each other and fire.  They dropped like flies.

And I woke up.  At least the princesses were bad asses…

*(What’s the difference between telekinesis and telepathy?  Oh!  Thanks Wikipedia!)

INGREDIENTS: A Tigers win (sniff), a Lions loss (eh), lotsa beer, a couple of burnt hot dogs, and 12 hours sleep.

princess-peach

If you happen to Google Image Search "Princess Peach" or "Princess Toadstool," please enable SafeSearch. You've been warned.

JusWondering… What Do These Cell Phone Notes Mean?

Posted on by sgottahurt

It’s been awhile since I’ve checked out the notes on my old phone (mostly because I’ve since purchased a new phone), but I was going through transcribing the tips and ideas.  I understood most.  These left me clueless:

  1. loren lion
  2. stat based
  3. rhett butler flog
  4. phlattline.com
  5. face movie pix
  6. 2 24th cleo arrest
  7. kangaroo
  8. barely hear my own horn

First off, loren lion. Was this a clever name I feared I would forget?  Was it a particular lion I needed to look into?  Maybe the answer was based in statistics.

Why I put this:

flog

With this guy:

rhettbutler

Might make my brain phlattline.com.

Face movie pix could have been an invention, or a story idea, or a… picture of faces in a movie?

I think the cleo arrest might have something to do with Miss Cleo getting arrested, but I don’t think she was ever incarcerated, 2 times, let alone a 24th time.

Um, yeah… he exists:

Yeah... whattaboutit?

Yeah... so whattaboutit?

And I guess it’s true: I can barely hear my own horn.  I’m glad I made a note of it.

The Sh– To Just Sh–ty… Toy Commercials

Posted on by sgottahurt

From shitty to shittier indeed...

From shitty to shittier indeed...

Let’s face facts… kids are dumb.  I don’t mean the concept of them (entirely), but they’re suckers.  Hell, we were just as gullible in our youth.

But back in the day, marketing firms fostered (word choice!) our imagination when they sold to us, and look at the consumers we’ve become today.

Here’s a commercial for an 80’s toy probably no one remembers called Army Ants.  The promo was eventually pulled from the airwaves due to the fact the toys moved by themselves (and since kids are dumb they might think they’re alive… oh no!)  Remember, this took place before warnings were placed on coffee to remind people that coffee is fucking hot, so the idea of putting a notice on the bottom of the screen never crossed anyone’s mind.

Now here’s a commercial for the toyline based on the new G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra movie:

Where’s the fun in that commercial?  I smell no sense of adventure.  I envision no afternoon of making those vehicle crash into each other.  It’s all tell, and no show!  Sure, there’s hints of scenes from the movie, but where’s the poking other bugs in the squishy and squashy guts, whether I have to make them do it or they do it to themselves (since they’re alive, you see).

To be fair, they are completelysort of different toylines, so I’ll draw upon an old G.I. Joe toy commercial for apples to Apple Paltrow Martin‘s sake:

Fucking Refrigerator Perry?!  Seriously, a Chicago Bear is on G.I. Joe, and he kicks major Cobra ass?!  And I can call him and get in on the action with only four certificates (and a 50 cent phone call plus $1 handling charge)?!

See the difference?

SIDENOTE: I recently won a chance for a free haircut at a salon that panders to men and, to be honest, that I don’t quite frankly trust, but I went anyway.  (It was free…)  Upon leaving and realizing it wasn’t a complete hack job, I tipped the stylist $2 and $1 in quarters.  It was all I had.  She made a face, and I left.  Haircuts are normally $16, so I don’t know if she expected $5 or more on a FREE haircut, but it did make me wonder… what can you buy for $3 nowadays?  Cigarettes?  No.  A beer at the bar?  No.  Two 20 oz. bottle of Mtn. Dew?  Sometimes.  Seeing that I could have got Refrigerator Perry for $1.50 really got me thinking…

Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? The Battle To “Turnover” A New Leaf

Posted on by sgottahurt

An explanation may be required: Coinkydink = Coincidence and Coinkydonk = Not.  Happy now?

newlionsbest

Came in second as the new team logo

The play book that was successful

The play that scored

Today the new and “improved” Detroit Lions make their debut against the Atlanta Falcons in the first game of the preseason.  Considering the Lions haven’t won a game in quiiiiite awhile, do they have it in them to win?

They haven’t won in so long that a play was produced earlier this year in Los Angeles entitled Lions.  Its plot synopsis:

It’s the 2007 NFL season and the Detroit Lions are on a winning streak — unfortunately John Waite is not. With his lifelong friends at The Tenth Ward Club, he places his hopes on his team, and attempts to escape the creeping demise of his city, and of his way of life.

If anyone remembers that season, it’s the one that started with a winning bang (8-0), peaking with the 44-7 win over the Denver Broncos, then ended with only one more win out of the eight remaining games.  And how could you forget a completely winless 2008 season?

Here’s where the Coinkydink or Coinkydonk sneaks in… former Falcon quarterback Michael Vick just signed to play for the Philadelphia Eagles, so he’s back in the news after being released from jail for underground dog fighting and animal abuse.  Both teams have some dark recent history to overcome, and in this game, who will rise to the challenge?

So is it fate?  Or just the luck of the draw?

JusWondering… Can Other States Have Michigan Lefts?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Why everyone living in Michigan Left... ha!

Why everyone living in Michigan Left... ha!

 This is a post I’ve been wanting to write since November, but I never found my angle.  My basic issue:

Why do we have Michigan lefts? 

They are my mortal enemy, and I plan routes to avoid their gas- and time-consuming design.  I would have went off on a major diatribe about their history (to eventually piss me off) and reason for existence (to actually piss me off), but then I thought:

What other driving annoyances could be named after other states?

For example, people that make wide turns drive me crazy (pun… ha!), so why not name them after the fattest state in America:

Mississippi Wide Turn

On his way to get Kentucky Fried Chicken?

On his way to get Kentucky Fried Chicken?

Or how about people that never use blinkers, that cut other cars off without noticing them, or that brake when they’re merging?  Florida could best represent them because of the old people and their road wandering ways, but that’s too easy.  That’d be like naming traffic jams after California, or paid turnpikes after New Jersey or Ohio.  Wait!  Where are some of the most erratic drivers in this nation?  Got it:

New York Merging

Just don't tell him what I said

Just don't tell him I said this

Then there’s the opposite end of that spectrum.  People that don’t turn off their turn signal, that slow down or stop in the wrong lane to make a left or pull into a parking lot, or that swerve erratically.  It could be the old people again, or even the young this time, but I’m saving Florida for something else.  Let’s call this style of driving:

California Dreaming

"I have a date with Destiny. And it wasn't cheap!"

"I have a date with Destiny. And it wasn't cheap!"

And here’s one annoyance that needs little introduction:

Florida Tailgaters

I guess it could mean you're partying just as well. Cheers!

I guess it could mean you're partying just as well. Cheers!

My last suggestion might need some back story (side story?), so here ya go… I’ve always dreamed of going to Alaska to experienceeither the summer or winter solstice (or both), or to have a chance to witness the northern lights.  Then someone had to pop their little head up into the social consciousness and make me reconsider everything, hence the:

Alaskan U-Turn

"U-turn me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a hockey mom..."

"U-turn me right 'round, baby, right 'round, like a hockey mom..."

Drunken Recollection… Bikinis, Bikinis, Bikinis, And Are Baseball Highlights The Best?

Posted on by sgottahurt

When hot meets hot

When hot meets hot

This might have been better suited as a JusWondering, but it shall end up as a Drunken Recollection nonetheless, mostly because I recall being drunk while just wondering these things…

Who thought it would be a great idea to have women work in bikinis?

In an industry that requires hair nets, plastic gloves, and, um, clothing in the kitchen, besides the obvious reason of having scantily clad women taking food orders and delivering it, why do we have scantily clad women taking food orders and delivering it in bars and restaurants?

(scroll over links for images)

Does pouring hot beverages in bikinis sound better?

Working as a mechanic perhaps?

Maybe somewhere in a hospital?

How about as a baseball player?

Speaking of baseball, are baseball highlights the best of all sports highlights, or what?

It’s possible I think this right now because they’re essentially the only sports highlights on TV, but does a backwards catch thrown in reverse into a double play beat a lateral pass touchdown?

Ah, I need a drink.  Time to hit up a bikini bar to watch some baseball highlights.

JusWondering… What Would I Put On A Bucket List?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Who's the angel and who's the devil? I'll let you decide...

Who's the angel and who's the devil? I'll let you decide...

I have never seen Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman’s The Bucket List (or would it be director Rob Reiner’s?  Whatevs…)  Anymarryinghisgrandaughter (yikes Morgan!), the topic sort of came up the other day about what things would be put on a, uuum, things to do before you die list.  The following is my start:

  • I must go (play? participate in?) curling.  I’ve been (played? participated in?) duckpin bowling before over in Canada, plus I thoroughly enjoy hockey.  Curling is the next logical step, eh?
  • I want to see a platypus in person.  I realized I’ve been on this planet for a decent stretch of time, and I’ve never seen one, even at a zoo.  You know, because I just might run into one at the Electronic Music Festival. 
  • I want to host Saturday Night Live.  I’m not sure what the steps will be to get to do this.  I hope it involves being a successful blogger, because I’ve at least got the blogging part going.  I’m a big fan of sitting on my couch.
  • I want to be on Dancing with the Stars.  I’d like to learn how to dance in the classic style.  For free.  From above-average professionals.  And, oh yeah, to get paid to do so.  Perhaps this is a step in getting to host Saturday Night Live.
  • I will continue this list…
It's like a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger!

It's like a Mighty Morphin' Power Ranger!

Happy Finds… Douche Off, Superhero Dunks, And The Classic MANtage

Posted on by sgottahurt

This video is a bit old, but I’ve only recently stumbled upon it.  Just know that it bears repeated viewings:

Since that may not be new to you, I delved a little deeper into Barats and Bereta’s catalog, and uncovered this more recent offering which is equally entertaining in a nerdier way:

Then I checked out more of their stuff and realized I had known about these guys awhile back: 

And always remembered, Jesus pwn3d u.

Drunken Recollection… Nuclear Urine For Jellyfish?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Known for: being a fair-weather fan, squishy

Known for being: poisonous, squishy, a fair-weather fan

Who’s says you can’t learn new things when you’re drinking?  Time and again, when I make a point to remember the revelations experienced despite the buckets of booze in my system, chances are pretty decent I won’t forget.

For example: last night at trivia, a question we’ve had before reared it’s head.

Q: What type of bird is most commonly used as a state bird?  It’s currently used by seven states.
A: Cardinals.

I don’t know this.  But I remembered it.

Just like I remember finding out that there’s a minor league baseball team in Albuquerque called the Isotopes.  I did not previously know this, but I knew it had to be named after the team in The Simpsons.  I did not remember that in one episode of the show, the home team was supposed to move to Albuquerque, but now I know via Wikipedia, and it makes their name choice that much less arbitrary and forgivable (sorry about the drunken tirade, Isotopes!)

Another thing I was forced to investigate after another drunken tirade was the notion of urinating on yourself after being stung by a jellyfish.  Much debate was given on whether it had to be your pee, someone else’s pee, if it could be a beer piss, etc.

These are some facts things I discovered:

  • Urine can help.
  • Urine doesn’t do anything.
  • Urine can make things worse.

Soooo… hopefully I won’t encounter any jellyfish when I vacation in Mexico later this year.  Now I know that I don’t know anything for sure, but I probably wouldn’t let someone pee on me, or me on myself, just in case.  I just hope I remember that when I’m on the beach – and drunk.