Intoxication

Drunken Recollection… A Toilet Paper Roll’s Worth Of Ideas

Posted on by sgottahurt

Ever hear about fortress games?  Me neither.  But my friend Jay has recently become obsessed with them.  Our other friend has mocked him for purchasing so many different versions of the same game, but it should be noted that he owns dozens of first person shooters.  Touché.  (Or more appropriately, too lame.)

Any360, apparently I was familiar with fortress games, and in fact owned one myself:

Plants Vs. Zombies - A Battle for My Heart

It’s a fun game.  And a time drainer.  The concept is simple – build up your fortress to defend against invaders.  In the case of Plants Vs. Zombies, you plant vegetation to battle the living dead approaching your home.

Well prior to realizing what a fortress game was, I had Jay explain them to me.  He told me it was a single-player game, and I told him it’d be better as a multi-player.  Then voilá!  That should be a game!

A game where you get to be both the plants AND the zombies!  Each player would setup their zombie line of attack prior to beginning, and then as the war waged on, you’d arrange your plants!  For example.  Obviously it could be anything in the _____ vs. _____ situation.

Next item!  A new website!

Is any of that answer in English?

Yes, the site would be based on the above question:

uglychicksthatthinktheyrehot.com

I mentioned this idea at a Detroit Tiger’s game (hence the reason for the other mindedness), and a woman seated next to me that was attractive also liked the idea.

Next item! Exploding bats!

How awesome would it be if baseball bats exploded after every hit?

Answer: Very.

Happy Finds… Playing Catsup Because I Mustard

Posted on by sgottahurt

I’ve had a busy week, but keep in mind it’s all for all of you!  Here are a few of my Happy Finds…

1) If I could be a pinky’s worth of whatever makes up The Most Interesting Man in the World, I would be a happier man.  I’m already a happy man because I’m not this guy:

Vodpod videos no longer available.

2) I once posted about a Happy Find upon discovering Garfield Minus Garfield.  I also painstakingly edited Garfield into other comics before I discovered the Adobe Suite (MS Paint all the way).  Now I present to you – Garfield Minus Garfield: The Movie…

Vodpod videos no longer available.

The next two are self-explanatory.  Well, I guess the above two were self-explanatory as well.

3) Michael Bublé Being Stalked By A Velociraptor

This one has style, and bite!

4) Yahoo! Answer Fail Blog

Then what are fine arts?

5) This is for all the ladies that get wet waiting for John Cusack.  In the rain!  They get wet in the rain!

Vodpod videos no longer available.

Drunken Recollection… Hercules Goes Bananas In New York! (Amongst Other Things)

Posted on by sgottahurt

There was once a time when this film:

Arnold Strong?

Was called this:

What the hell is this?

And the confusion over this fact lead to a bloody fist fight between my friends and I.

No it didn’t, but that would have been a better story.  Basically, the crew was boozing, this flick came up, but everyone argued with me about the original name of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s premiere film:

Hercules Goes Bananas

The phones came out.  IMDb checked.  Turned out I was right.  Which I knew.  And they were reminded that I always know.

So then they brought up creature I did not know about… the alligator gar:

See ya later, alligator... gar.

I currently wish I did not know about the alligator gar.  Along with the candiru, good job on keeping me out of the water.

The last item discussed – and it was something we agreed on – was that if Saturday Night Live wanted to make a new movie after MacGruber, then Game Time with Dave and Greg would make great option.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

It could follow Dwayne Johnson‘s character Dave as he meets Greg and helps him intermingle with society.  This ultimately leads to them co-hosting the show.  Hilarity ensues!

Aaah, what do I know… i’m drunk.

Drunken Recollection… Things To Investigate If I Remember Them (Which I Did)

Posted on by sgottahurt

That's one way to do it...

Do you get drunk faster by drinking beer through a straw?

Per Wiki Answers (and I guess, common sense):

The drinking implement is not important. The speed at which you drink is. If you drink more in a shorter space of time then yes, naturally. Pretty self-explanatory really.

This one was a two-parter: 1) As a kid, did I not watch M*A*S*H* because of the theme song?

Yes.  It’s terrible.

2) Would I have liked it if it had a different theme song?

I don’t see why not.

Is “The Mike Game” a fun game to play?

Yes.  Once you understand the complicated rules.

Somebody told me there was a Polish dog that was saved from an iceberg…

…and there was.  They named him “Baltic”… you know, after the sea Polish fisherman found him on.  I named my dog the same way!

The Opposite of a Hot Dog

Find the update on the situation here (and for an update on The Situation here).  Now I’m going to go grab a beer and a straw, relax, and watch an old episode of Baywatch with my dog, “Outside the Strip Club.”

Drunken Recollection… DrunkWonderings

Posted on by sgottahurt

While boozing with my fellow booze hounds not to long ago, a few wonderings popped in my head.  These are them (is that proper English or proper drunk-speak?):

1) As a child, I was a fan of the wrong film series.

"I've made a huge mistake."

For most of my life, it’s been Star Wars all the way for me, baby.  And as an (alleged) adult, I’ve paid for it dearly, both figuratively and literally.

  • Figuratively… in the sense that James Bond would have fostered my inner Lothario, as opposed to Luke Skywalker inspiring my inner whiny “hero.”  (Granted, I could have looked to Han Solo, but he didn’t have a lightsaber and couldn’t use the Force.)
  • Literally… in the sense that I spent way too much fucking money on toys in a bid to recapture my lost youth.

On the other hand, if I had idolized Agent 007, I might have lived a life of danger (both in and out of the bedroom), but definitely his love of gadgetry would one day complement mine.

2) I should have picked different friends.

"Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?"

Some of my friends I’ve known since I was four years old.  And at times I’m left to wonder, what does a kid know?  I already mentioned that I chose to make Luke Skywalker my hero and not James Bond when I was a young ‘un.  The incident that triggered this thought:

  • A friend-that-shall-go-unnamed-(though-he-knows-who-he-is) ran around Hooters getting the entire staff to sign the calendar he purchased for his toddler son.  Although one girl was clever (and inappropriate).  She wrote:

May your dreams be wet, and your diapers stay dry.  (Or something like that.)

  • To be honest, it was the gayest heterosexual thing I’ve ever witnessed.

3) Why does twelve seem like it’s a plural form of twelf, like how it is with pants and pant?

4) If going “number one” and “number two” means what they mean, what would going “number three” on up represent?

BONUS SOBER WONDERING, WHICH I GUESS SHOULD BE A JusWondering:

Why can’t I stop watching this video?

Here’s the shortened version for a maximized quick hit:

Drunken Recollection… What Would My Detroit Soccer Team Be Called?

Posted on by sgottahurt

Whilst drinking, the mind tends to wander into the realm of good fortunes… and in this case, the good fortunes was a real fortune.  As in, What would I do if I won the lottery?

Of course this requires me purchasing a ticket,  but I do not take part in the “idiot tax” except maybe once a year.

My first expenditure – producing one of my, um, unproduced scripts (which would be all of them).

My second expenditure – a Major League Soccer team in Detroit.

So what teams have come before?  Well, there’s…

Detroit Wheels

So what name could I give my team?  What would fit in along with the Tigers and Lions?  The Beasts, perhaps?

Should it go along with something mechanical, like the Pistons, or mysterious (?) like the Red Wings?

Or howzabout I just name them after my soccer team?

Drunken Recollection… An Invention, A Lesson, And A Sober Realization

Posted on by sgottahurt

THE INVENTION

Free-serve beer spouts, like they have in fast food restaurants.  You could purchase a $25 glass and have at it.  The wait staff might love it or hate it, so it should be test marketed here first.  Preferably at a bar close to my home.

Fountain of Booze

THE LESSON

Don’t drink Guinness through a straw.  It looses the taste.  Although it is cute when you make a stupid joke about doing so, and the waitress follows through by bringing your next stout with a spout.

Not to be confused with chocolate milk

THE SOBER REALIZATION

“Fountain Dew” tastes really good sometimes.  That’s the Mountain Dew you get out of the fountain, if I’ve lost your attention in this complicated post.  It happens most often at Taco Bell.  Sometimes at KFC and Arby’s.  Never at Subway.  Because I hate Subway.  Fuck Subway.  I could make those sandwiches at home.

Happy Finds… Confusion Abounds

Posted on by sgottahurt

Sometimes I find too many websites that make me happy.  Today, I found four.

1) WTF Comcast – Who writes these summaries?  Who cares?  They’re hilarious and strange, and collected on this website.

Damn interns.

2) Boozecats – Here’s the math behind this website:

party photo – booze + cats = win

"Chug! Chug! Chug!" they all chanted. Because Chug was the cat's name, you see.

3) Sexy People – This picture says it all.  But if you need to hear more (if this portrait didn’t, in fact, “say it all”), check out this website.

I think I used to have the same wallpaper...

4) 100 Things I Learned – Films have a lot to teach us.  For example, here are some things people learned from watching Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen…

#1 – Don’t let your mom eat environmentally friendly brownies served by white kids in dreadlocks.

#6 – Michael Bay will always stress that when teleporting from America to Egypt, it will still be the middle of the afternoon.

#13 – If a Transformer saves your life from an incredibly dangerous situation, instead of thanking him, tell him you’re completely safe now and that you don’t need him anymore.

Drunken Recollection… Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Like Greenland Sharks

Posted on by sgottahurt

Drinking with friends is getting to be a problem common again, and ye of the TripleDoubleU get to reap the benefits.  

This time around, another blog’s post was brought to my attention.  Namely, this headline from IGN:  

Five Ways Jersey Shore Is Just Like Final Fantasy

Here’s one example shared by both the MTV reality show and the classic RPG:  

Shared Trait 4: Spiky Hair

 

But I’ll let you read the remainder of the list by clicking here.  You don’t have to be a huge fan of both to get it, but you should be a fan of at least one.  

Now that same night, another major item (because Jersey Shore and Final Fantasy are like huge deals) brought to my attention was that these existed:  

It's a "Somniosus microcephalus," duh.

 

Or in other words – the Greenland shark.  

Now I’d like to list some facts about the Greenland shark, and how they too are similar to the cast of Jersey Shore.  

1) Alternate names  

The extra "W" is for "WTF?"

 

  •  On the Jersey Shore, everybody has an alias, like they’re X-Men or something: Jenni is J-Woww, Nicole is Snooki, Sammi is Sweatheart, and Mike is The Situation. 
  • The Greenland shark has more even more nicknames: sleeper shark, gurry shark, ground shark, grey shark, or the Inuit name, Eqalussuaq.

2) Parasites  

Microscopic crustaceans ain't just for the beach!

 

  • I’m not saying that any of the cast members on Jersey Shore do have crabs, but I’m also not saying that they don’t… You just got double-negatived, which is another way of saying positive. BTW, I’m sure positive is a result this group has seen as on innumerable tests.
  • Meanwhile, the Greenland sharks play host to the creature in the picture above (the one on the right, of course).  It feasts on the shark’s eye, causing partial blindness.  Like syphilis.

3) Scavengers  

Yes. Her hat does read, "Porn Star In Training."

 

  • Snooki sure loves her pickles.
  • Greenland sharks sure their love fish, seals, reindeer, horses, and polar bears.

4) Toxic skin  

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.

Mr. Duck Phone feels safer with the poisonous shark.

 

  • I don’t know components go into fake tan sprays or tan accelerators, and I especially don’t know how much alcohol the cast members of Jersey Shore can actually consume, but if I happened to be on a plane with them and it crash landed in the Alps – I wouldn’t eat them.
  • The flesh of the Greenland sharks, on the other fin hand, is officially poisonous.  I repeat – THIS SHARK IS POISONOUS.  Next you’ll be telling me they have razor-sharp skin, too.  (Let it be known, the toxin in their skin does produce an effect akin to extreme drunkenness, so maybe I would eat a Jersey Shore cast member in the Alps.) 

5) Legends  

They could be friends, doncha think?

 

  • Everyone loves a good story, and sometimes the shorter the better.  As for Mike of the Jersey Shore, his legend is straight to the point:

He is The Situation.  

  • Greenland sharks legends aren’t as concise:

Sedna was a girl whose father cut off her fingers while drowning her. Each finger was said to have become a sea creature, including the Greenland shark.  (via Wikipedia)  

Now that’s quite a situation.  

BONUS THING NOT HELD IN COMMON:  

  • Greenland sharks can live for up to 200 years long.  The cast of Jersey Shore will be forgotten about in five.

Drunken Recollection… Other People’s Drunken Recollections

Posted on by sgottahurt

Some pals o’ mine and I were out at the bar, and they got into reminiscing about their old school teachers and the affairs they had (that the teachers had… and not with the friends, but with each other).

Anyqui, apparently this existed:

(via Ridiculous Thoughts)

As well as this:

(Barbapapa’s home page)

For the record, neither of these friends are French (although my buddy at work is).

I merely drank my Guinness and drowned in the sense of nostalgia.  Mostly because they also introduced me to her: