Intoxication | monkeyBLOG monkeyDO

JusWondering… Apparently I Don’t Know Where Babies Come From

Posted on March 31, 2009 by sgottahurt

The after-effect of a drunken Snuggie Pub Crawl.

Snuggies have taken pop culture by storm, and in this case, a baby hostage.

I know thought I’ve written about them before, and I know thought I’ve posted this video before (it’s a shame when you can’t even find shit on your site), but here we go again for the first time(?):

But how does one even go about putting on a Baby Snuggie? It has to be one of the strangest things I’ve ever seen AND one of the worst ideas on top of that! Think about it. Babies make stinkies a lot… and unless you’re a fan of Dutch ovens (no, not that link – this one), do you really want to wear a sweater that captures that scent? And uh, if you have a baby attached to your hipchest, how are you going to challenge those Muay Thai fighters and save the rec center?

Now I’m not knocking Snuggies on all accounts. There are pub crawls held for good causes that require participants be cloaked in the backwards robes. I may even participate in one… Who’s thinkin’ drink specials?

I’m just wondering what the next comfort craze will be. Perhaps this?

Is the shield a pillow?

(These pajamas are real)

Drunken Recollection… More Or Less Than Jake

Posted on March 22, 2009 by sgottahurt

Let me begin with this: last night I saw Less Than Jake in concert at St. Andrew’s Hall in Detroit, and I. Had. A. Blast.

It was quite possibly one of the best concerts I’ve been to in a long time, and I’m pretty sure it can be attributed to going with my brother, Scott, and my cousin, Steve, the fact that I’ve been a fan of LTJ since their Losing Streak album came out in 1996, and lots and lots of draft beer.

I swore to try to remember as much of the highlights as possible. So here I go:

We started at the casino. Scott and Steve had been drinking prior to, and I was playing catch-up (I think Steve was playing mustard). Scott was recounting how at one concert he was hit in the head with a full water bottle and got knocked out for a bit. This will play out later.
Having only one phone between us, we decided we should make our way to the show so as not to miss LTJ. We got there in time to see the Flatliners (not the Julia Roberts/Kiefer Sutherland pic). We were glad not to miss any of the main act, but we wished we could have gambled more. Especially once I realized they had Star Wars penny slots. May the force be with the 30-line spin!
We laughed at a woman wearing Mom Jeans and her man that looked like Tom Cruise circa The Firm. Steve would end up befriending them and giving them high fives later, but still…
I thought of a pickup line. Then I thought it might work as a pickup line to ask if the pickup line would work as a pickup line. I was going to ask one girl but her man came back. So I turned to another girl who was way too crossed-eyed to be so snotty in my opinion, and I said, “I heard your brother’s the drummer in the band.” Her response, “If my brother was in the band, I’d be backstage, duh. But nice try on the pickup line.” Steve returned from the restroom or a beer run, and he heard the ending. He thought I asked about the line, but I informed him that I just used it as is.
A gaggle of older dudes (my age) started moshing at the back during the second opening act, which was the more more accessible band called the Expendables. One dude bumped me more than once which caused me to spill beer on Scott’s phone. I turned to face them and the dude’s friend apologized. What I said to appease him, I want to put on t-shirts:

: Like this, but better… not much better, though.

Also, the dude that made me spill my beer wanted to get punched in the face… he told me so. I said I would, but he had to punch me too, kinda like a Rocky/Apollo Creed freeze frame kind of thing. His friend told us to wait until after the concert. I agreed.
Once LTJ started, the mosh pit was incredible. Being one of the taller guys, I’m usually asked to lift people to body surf, but not as many people were willing to for some reason. At the end of the regular show, I decided to go. The bouncer that flipped me over told me I was too big to be doing this. I agreed.
When the encore was in full swing, some of the kids that helped me up before wanted me to do it again. I told them I was yelled at last time, which only spurned them on more. So I went up again, and the bouncer repeated the fact that I was too big to be doing this. If I did it again, I was going to get kicked out. I didn’t go back by those other kids again.
It was about this time that Steve was high-fiving Tom Cruise and Mom Jeans. Scott had been hit in the head, but by something other than a water bottle. This little kid appeared out of nowhere as the main floor cleared, and he was picking up who-knows-what off the floor. I saw the friends of the dude I was supposed to punch, but they lost him. They informed me that if I saw him, I should swing for his right eye, because his left eye was already bruised. I agreed.
Scott was going to sleep in the car while Steve and I would gamble more. We parted ways at the garage. As we were wandering around in the casino, we ran into Scott. He couldn’t find the car. It was amazing to stumble across each other because only Scott had a phone. Lucky!
I lost ten bucks in the Star Wars penny slots. I would have only lost five, but a woman asked me to watch her spot so she could run to the restroom. I only had thirty cents left, so I threw in another five. More or Less Than Jake, it was a good night.

Drunken Recollection… Drips Ahoy!

Posted on March 16, 2009 by sgottahurt

There has been a Drunken Recollection I’ve been meaning to get to for awhile, but the moment has passed and the recollection is fuzzier than it ever was. My notes on the matter:

Frois grois was typed as a note in my phone, which is actually foie gras… it was a conversation I had with my sister, Tammie, about how ducks and geese are force-fed to fatten up their livers. I never heard of it, but apparently it’s getting banned in various states courtesy of animal activists. I have no opinion or witty quip on the matter now – if I did then, consider it “pissed away.”
Another thing my sister brought up was an artist she knows that wrote the saying, “War leads to Poverty, Poverty leads to Peace, Peace leads to Greed, Greed leads to War.” Man, were we in a bummy mood that night.*
The only light highlight was a comment from my observant sibling. On Friday, I missed out on homemade macaroni and cheese at my old grade school because they ran out. On Sunday, I missed hanging out with an old friend downtown at a place that serves the best homemade macaroni and cheese. Tammie said, “This was your Mac and Cheese Denial weekend.”

Now onto the most current D.R. It occurred at a private boat club in Wyandotte, where the usual crew set out to play an exclusive game of trivia. There were cash prizes to be had – $50 for 1st, $30 for 2nd, and $10 for 3rd.

I arrived first, and its location reminded me of a scene in a movie where people that need to exchange a suitcase full of money, a nuclear warhead, or “whatever’s-in-the-trunk” would meet.

Inside, I had to knock on the port door to be let in. Then I had to sign a book. All the old regulars surrounded the bar, and all they served was beer in cans that had that faint odor of old ice. I ordered my can and sat my can at the table near the window overlooking Lake Erie.

The others arrived and we decided to split into two teams (the better to win more money – which we did, natch!) We quickly learned that the regulars weren’t too fond of us being there, and, oh yeah – there was a certain spot at the bar you had to order from. The bartender could look right at you standing anywhere else and he’d look through you.

We ended up drinking enough to build a beer can pyramid, a.k.a. a beeramid, which made the regulars mad. We each walked out with an extra five bucks each and our tab paid back. All-in-all, I will never return there again. Maybe.

In closing, I also learned that cenosillicaphobia meant “fear of an empty beer glass” and that I am cenosillicaphobic.

Not pictured: our beeramid. This is based on a true story.

*Okay, I was completely (well not completely) off on the quote. It’s from a folk song and her fiancé’s uncle wrote it down and framed it:

ALL IN A NUT SHELL

War begets poverty
Poverty peace
Peace begets wealth
Wealth beget pride
Pride is war’s ground
War begets poverty

So the world goes round

Drunken Recollection… Dressed To Kill (This Is A Funny Title… Trust Me)*

Posted on March 7, 2009 by sgottahurt

At night at the bar does not always provide teachings, but last night, I learned two things:

Sometimes, to get the girl, a guy’s gotta wear a zip-up fleece and corduroy khakis. I’m not a zip-up fleece and corduroy khaki kinda guy, so I would never get the pointy shoe and $100 blue jeans girl – not that I would want to. Introduce me to the girl in Target jeans and Keds anytime.
Is this not possibly one of the greatest movies of all time?!
I just ordered it on DVD, so I’ll be sure to let you know. Brian DePalma made this in 1974, a year before Sisters and two before Carrie. It played on a background TV out of earshot, behind the couple from Hell Hell Bean. I’m still not sure which display was more frightening.

*check out #18 on this list

Drunken Recollection… Bible Thumping, Veggie Trumping, And Movie Pumping

Posted on March 4, 2009 by sgottahurt

Some of the conversations the crew and I have had over brews lately make me feel like I should be running my sister’s sister-site, SomethingKnew. On her page, she goes over all the new things she learns every day – mine are things I learn over every beer.

Which Testament of the Bible has more books (at least according to what us Roamin’ Catholics were taught)? We honestly had no idea, but courtesy of the TripleDoubleU on my new iPhone, there are 46 books in the Old Testament vs. 27 books in the New Testament. The number I have heard of from both? Maybe 30 (I didn’t feel like counting). The number I have read? Zero.
Carotene is found in carrots. Carotene? Carrots! Is there bananatene in bananas? Does Ovaltine come from ovals (sorry about the Seinfeld rip)? Perhaps teenatene is what causes youngsters to turn emo (because it’s like the stuff in onions that makes you cry)? Okay, I’m done.
Teenatene was first discovered by German scientists.
What is the longest running film series? I didn’t want to include James Bond because I figured it was automatically the longest at 22 films. Research lead me to this: a lot people argue about this. Some consider the length to start from the first in the series; some count every incarnation. Many webheads reference different foreign film series that are unknown to me, so I’ve decided the second longest series is this:

Part 14 will be “roaring” into stores this year.

And the third longest is this:

Part 10 will be “pulling your strings” soon!

(Friday the 13th could be argued for hitting 12 films, but that series is dead to me.)

Drunken Recollection… Politically Incorrect Answer

Posted on February 25, 2009 by sgottahurt

Last night at trivia, we blew it. We blew it big time. Out of a possible 73 points, we had 65 – and that’s a rarity (high 50’s are usual). We could have actually scored higher if I would have went with my gut instincts of Applebee’s (“Where did Plaxico Burress say he shot himself?”) and goat (“From what animal does cashmere wool come from?”), as opposed to Denny’s and sheep.

But the last question… it’s all political correctness’ fault.

Prior to President Barack Obama, who was the last African-American to be recognized as Time Magazine’s Man Person of the Year?

Person of the Year? As opposed to alien?

We put: Nelson Mandela.

We even thoughtIdi Amin.

We didn’t think of this guy, because we didn’t go back in time that far:

mlktime

But in reality, African-American has become so synonymous with Black in this country, we didn’t even consider the American part.

Oh well. We didn’t win even though we were in first place before the final question (you wager your points à la Final Jeopardy). But I did steal a cool NFL glass from the bar. It had all the team logos covering it. Suckas!*

*KARMA SIDENOTE: When I was dropped off at home, I realized my wallet was missing. I figured I had left it at the bar. Since I planned on taking the glass pretty early in my drinking, I focused mostly on that task, and found it fitting I abandoned my Billabong billfold at the scene of the crime. Turns out I dropped it in my friend’s car. But for a second, I learned my lesson.

Drunken Recollection… When Someone Offers You A Free Piano, You Take It!

Posted on February 22, 2009 by sgottahurt

I was watching the first episode of “How I Met Your Mother” and there’s a scene where Robin (Cobie Smulders) quotes (what they consider) an obscure line from “Ghostbusters.”

The line, courtesy of Winston Zeddemore (Ernie Hudson):

Ray, when someone asks you if you’re a god, you say “YES”!

For whatever reason, it caused a flash in my brain pan of a conversation I had with my cousin Steve last night. He was telling me about a Craigslist entry he read. In it, someone was giving away an upright piano for free. The catch: you had to come pick it up. I asked why he hadn’t contacted the sellergiver-awayer and he said he had no place to put it, being stuck (for the mean time) back at home. My response:

Steve, when someone offers you a free piano, you take it!

It could have waited in the garage. It didn’t need to even be playable. He has an old NBA Jam coin-op arcade system in the living room. The upright piano could go right next to that.

They go together like pianos and coin-op.

And this is one situation where I practice what I preach. When I had the chance to get a free microfiche machine, I took it!

Just in case a dying man hands me microfilm and tells me, "Don't let them find this," I can see what "this" is.

Drunken Recollection… Tron And Lil’ Wayne = Cheese And Whine

Posted on February 16, 2009 by sgottahurt

I’m no fashionista. (I even felt uncomfortable writing that word.) I don’t dress in the latest fashions (if Target or Kohl’s ever become haute couture, I’ll be set). I don’t even wear a suit to formal affairs (I have my standard white dress shirt, random tie, black pants, and until someone called me out on wearing a certain vest to their wedding – a certain vest).

So please do not judge me as I judge another. My sisters always said it’s 10% what you wear and 90% your attitude (I think they borrowed liberally from another saying), but there was this guy at the bar that made some choices, and then some additional choices on top of those, and… well, let me explain.

First off, he was in mid- to late-twenties, and he was wearing a hooded sweatshirt bearing what I call “a Tron pattern.”

(Not So) Artistic Representation

Which on its own, I guess, would be fine and dandy (I shall never write that phrase again). But he could have worn something akin to this, instead:

Boba Swett...shirt

And he would have pulled off the look a bit better. But he also could have actually gone to this extreme like this guy:

Does he Master Controller to Tron?

Yet I’m not done. The sweatshirt was a few sizes too small, as it tapered and adhered to his arms. A bad choice on its own, but forgivable if he opted NOT TO WEAR THE HOOD. It was snug on his noggin, and seemed to pull up the shirt underneath as well.

So what? you might be thinking. He can just put down the hood. My response: then why doesn’t he pull up the back of his pants! He had them purposely draped below his gray boxer briefed bum, as his leather belt held them firmly there. My friend, Jess, thought he might not know, but I knew he knew. It was another in a long line of bad choices.

The coup de grace for me was when my friend Devin was doing karaoke of Lil’ Wayne’s “A Milli” (which is a dumb song, btw, with some of the worst lyrics… check them out after the jump). This too-small-Tron-hoodie-wearing, non-boxer-pants-sagging doofus jumped up to sing with him, and he couldn’t keep up! He ruined it for Devin. Oh well. Like I said, who am I to judge… in my 90’s X-Men tee and skaterboi jeans with the cuffs rolled up.

(SIDE RANT: What’s the appeal of Lil’ Wayneanyway? Is he big merely for the fact he may have been the first to integrate electronica with rap? Why couldn’t he be a nice, clean cut guy like Chris Brown, and get cozy with a sweetheart like Rihanna?)

InASense, Lost… What Is It With Kids These Days

Posted on February 14, 2009 by sgottahurt

When I was just a wee lad back in the day (I’m prepping for St. Paddy’s), it was awful fun for the adults give kids a sip of beer and watch their reactions. I’m the oldest boy of all the cousins on my father’s side, and for quite awhile I was the only boy (my brother broke the streak when I was nine… there were nine girls and me… ever notice how the more girls there are, the higher the octave of screeching goes?)

What I’m getting at is it wasn’t uncommon for my elders to make me the butt of the joke. Some might have thought it would encourage drinking, but I never took a sip of alcohol (not counting my relatives’ pranks) until I turned 19 and could legally do so in Canada. My other tendencies in alluded-to innocence: I was more interested in Nintendo than IN-tendo (if you catch my innuendo), smoking was a disgusting habit my parents had and I swore I would never have, and drugs… well, I’d stick only to any of the natural kind.

But nowadays, you have 13 year olds becoming fathers…

…parents pulling new tricks on their kids for laughs (and filming it and putting it on YouTube… “Thanks Dad… what are you, like, thirteen, or something?”)…

…or teaching their kids to be pretty good at smoking.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

more about “Everybody Freak Out About This Toddle…“, posted with vodpod

I guess you could always over indulge your child and baby them so they can become insulated and protected from the rest of the world (read: spoiled), that they never have to deal with R|E|A|L|I|T|Y. Heaven forbid someone take their Cloudsong…

Happy Find… I’m Ready For My St. Patrick’s Day Extravaganza

Posted on February 13, 2009 by sgottahurt

Oh glorious day!

Last night, between my basketball game and my soccer game (minimal blisters this time in case anyone worried), I stopped at a local bar chain called Bailey’s. I arrived at 10:30pm and ordered myself a Guinness (the best beer to drink before playing soccer in case anyone wondered).

I found out that starting at 11pm, there was to be special pricing on the heavy brew (I pretend it’s a melted malt shake). I also found out if you stood up and read a toast, you would get a long sleeve Guinness shirt, and this:

guinness-hat

Unfortunately, I was to be leaving at 11pm to for football, so my buddy, Rodney, opted to do to give the toast on behalf of me.

Little did he know, he would be the only one to volunteer and actually do it. (Another guy stood up to join him, but said little to nothing.) He had to get the entire bar’s attention and read the pre-written cheer.

When we returned, he gave me both the shirt and hat, and for that I’m eternally (or least until St. Patrick’s Day) grateful.

A toast to Rodney! Sláinte!

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