There was only one in particular that I remembered. On this dreamed up website (the URL was still available last time I checked), they turned the infamous, allegedly dirty, C-3PO trading card into a light switch.
Where do dreams come from? Are they subconscious remnants of the days events? Are they connections to alternate realities? Are are they just dreams of things you wish that could be? Oh how I wish this place existed.
Rides, a food warehouse, Rue McClanahan, and a bear ice sculpture... that about sums it up!
It was the largest indoor extravaganza I’ve ever seen dreamed. The group that I visited the establishment with immediately split into pairs or off on their own as soon as the doors opened. As I traversed the expansive main aisle, shelves that would have towered over buildings. Imagine being inside of a Christmas tree. Imagine Las Vegas in a warehouse. That was this place. Anything and everything you could want to buy was within (or just out of) your reach.
As I ambled about, I stumbled into a live trivia game show in the style of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire hosted by none other than the last living Golden Girl, Blanche Devereaux herself, Rue McClanahan. I participated for a while, until the sound of striking pins was audible in the distance.
In search of the growing cacophony of mechanical wonders and games, I passed a giant ice sculpture of a polar bear. There was a nameplate, but I didn’t bother reading it at that point.
I headed toward the festival atmosphere, where a rollercoaster, a disco dance floor, a pool hall, a bowling alley, a roller rink, and an arcade all intertwined without any walls or ceilings but those of the warehouse. I got lost in the glory for so long, that as the day broke through the high windows, I made my way back to the ice sculpture. The night hold taken its toll, and most of what remained was an icy lump and a fountain puddle.
It was then I finally read the plaque:
INGREDIENTS: Cottage cheese and Mountain Dew… gross.
This dream happened to be a spanning, time looping dream à la Timecrimes, an interesting if not perfect Spanish film involving, um, time looping.
I was on a college campus trying to kill my other selves, contemplating the dynamics of it. Am I the proper incarnation? Can all the versions coexist? Am I committing suicide if I exterminate an alternate me? (Heavy stuff for a sleeping noggin.)
Anyexistentialism, the entire episode finished at the student center bookstore which had a McDonald’s in it. The banner above the Golden Arches read, “Now serving Subway subs and Pepsi Golden!”
I was excited to order a Pepsi Golden, thinking it was beer. It was just yellow Pepsi.
And in case you were wondering what it tasted like – carbonated cake batter.
DREAM INGREDIENTS: Back-to-back soccer games… and four pints of Guinness
When I’m sleeping, I don’t particularly enjoy being in my own mind.
I’ve recently dreamt…
my alarm clock was yelling at me
I was on trial for drug possession in Jamaica
I was in an old Kmart eatery with a bunch of stuffed shirts discussing how fantastic the original British version of The Office was
This has nothing to do with the picture, but I used to think Martinizing was pronounced Martini-Zing!
What I would like to know is why am I having other people’s dreams lately?
Not that kind of client. Thank Tron.
It’s been completely from another person’s perspective, and not in the way that “it’s me/not me.” I’ve been other people I know interacting with me – my family, my friends. The strangest, by far, was when I was one of my clients.
None of this is particular fascinating, I’ll admit, but it reminded me of the opening scene of Richard Linklater’s Slacker. He’s actually the guy in the cab explaining his theory on dreams and where they come from. It’s more in relation to the regular “it’s me/not me” flights of the subconscious, than of the “completely being someone else” variety. Maybe if he ever gets to Slacker 2: The Awakening, he’ll have my answers then.
Courtesy of the Onion News Network comes this gem. What I like best is the part where they’re mean to the kids…
In My Brain While Sleeping… A Costume I Never Would Have Thought Of While Awake
Blah blah blah subconscious something something weird dream… I met a man wearing this costume and when I inquired about it, he pulled granite from his pocket, placed it on the last stair and said:
"I'm Rock Bottom."
Drunken Recollection… Two Gorillas Are Better Than One
My cousin Steve and I have matching costumes. We debuted them last week at my brother’s party. It was a blast. The next day, I had another party to attend, but I opted to go as Hipster Jesus. Another gorilla was there, and my heart broke a little…
Musical Musings… How Do You Kill The Gill Man?
Is this a good song? No. But does the Monster Mash really deserve being the only Halloween song? (Not counting Werewolf Bar Mitzvah, of course.)
Coinkydink Or Coinkydonk? Did PB Max Get “Discontinued” For Peanut Butter Twix?
PB Max... PB Twix... hmm...
I loved PB Max almost instantly when it was released in 1990. It was the companion candy to the caramel Twix bars I’d eat everyday. (There was a 5¢ mail-in rebate deal on each wrapper, so I binged one summer, sent them all in, and received a $5 check 6-8 weeks later. You can do the math.)
Anysweettooth, seemingly as quickly as the candy burst on the scene, by th mid-90’s, it was gone. A couple more years passed and all-of-the-sudden there was a Peanut Butter Twix bar (and the original became Caramel Twix with a capital-C, as you candyC see).
Whatever happened to all the razor blades in apples and the kidnappings? The night’s supposed to be scary for kids. It’s like a PG-13 horror film these days.
Worth 1002 Words… My Old Halloween Costume Edition
Boxing Match
(lyrics to Halloween Survival Guide, you know, in case your ears aren’t working)
Apparently, I’m a thirteen year old girl. Why else would I have a dream about princesses? Well, I could understand why I’d have a dream about princesses, but this dream… well, here it goes:
There were two Disney-esque princesses – Pink Dress and Light Blue Dress.
They were best friends since the were children, and they somehow lived in the same kingdom. So maybe they weren’t both princesses, but I digress.
In their teen years, a rift grew betwixt them (like that verbiage?), and Pink was banished. Light Blue ruled alone.
Pink went away and learned the art of telekinesis*.
When she returned to reclaim her position in the kingdom, she used her new power to easily make her way to Light Blue.
In the time Pink was gone, Light Blue had built up an army – an army of heavily armed soldiers. I’m talking like SWAT team style.
Pink stood before Light Blue, ready to make peace or make pieces (you see, she had a sword… I should have mentioned that).
The soldiers surrounded Pink, ready to fire.
Light Blue mocked Pink, stating the futility of her efforts. She wondered aloud if Pink could stop an onslaught of bullets…
Without hesitation, Pink used her telekinesis* to spin the soldiers to face each other and fire. They dropped like flies.
And I woke up. At least the princesses were bad asses…
*(What’s the difference between telekinesis and telepathy? Oh! Thanks Wikipedia!)
INGREDIENTS: A Tigers win (sniff), a Lions loss (eh), lotsa beer, a couple of burnt hot dogs, and 12 hours sleep.
If you happen to Google Image Search "Princess Peach" or "Princess Toadstool," please enable SafeSearch. You've been warned.
Those that claim to know me might say that I’m a child at heart. Those that really know me would call me an overgrown child. According to my subconscious, I have the mind of a child. I prefer to say I’m living the 13 year-old me’s dream…
This set of dreams involved a pair of toy collections that I’ve previously mentioned on this post, but were sort of blended together. It was the Lego Batmanvideo game, and though I haven’t played it in a while, that did not prevent me from dreaming that there was a Batman toy collection that was kind of like a model train town set (Exhibit A) and a bit like Playmobil (Exhibit B).
Tiny figurines representing each of the characters could be purchased, as well as scenery components, and you could assemble a miniature Gotham City similar to Exhibit C. I guess there’s a toy line called Imaginext that’s kind of like what I envisioned (Exhibit D), but I still imagine(xt) something much darker…
Where the other half of the Lego Batman connection ends up has nothing to do with a Lego town (Exhibit E). It’s more like the Marvel Legends action figure collection (Exhibit F). Every Lego set you purchased could be put together (or should I say combined because of course Lego sets are put together) with other Lego sets to make bigger predisposed items. Again, not like Exhibit E, but like how Galactus is assembled in Exhibit F.
You see, Galactus’ head comes with Professor X, and other pieces of him are packaged along with five other figures in that series. So if you buy all six figures, you can make Galactus. That’s how the Lego sets worked…
I often find myself debating the big questions of the universe. The biggest?
Am I a nerd, a dork, or a geek?
This pair of dreams that I had in one (count ’em, one!) night might mean the answer to the overhead head-banger is:
All of the above
DREAM SEQUENCE ALPHA
"Why so blue...?"
Life was going on as normal, if you consider normal being tormented by a Blue Man (not of any particular Group, it seemed). Determined to destroy my life – and possibly murder me – this Blue Man turned up everywhere.
Work. Home. Bars. Family and friends’ homes.
I couldn’t escape his attacks (unfortunately, as it is with dreams, the details are a little fuzzy). When I finally stood my ground and confronted him, he acknowledged that I passed his test.
As it turned out, he was an Omnipotent Immortal and indeed belonged to a Group of like-hued fellows. Their numbers were diminishing, and all the hell I had went through was like a hazing process.
Long story short, I became a Blue Man and started tormenting my friends and family with all my new found powers…
DREAM SEQUENCE BETA
I was standing in a dim room full of floating dust, dander bouncing and dancing in the narrow beams of sunlight.
A friend turned to me and said:
The entire Star Trek universe is in this room. Like how that entire galaxy fit in a marble in the first Men in Black film…
I'm squishing your head, I mean, universe.
Then he corrected himself:
Well, not the Delta Quadrant. I didn’t really like Voyager that much.
I looked closely at the soaring particles, and this is what I saw.
INGREDIENTS: Peanut butter on a bagel back in the mix. Yeah yeah!
For whatever reason, prior to his reappearance in the news, I had a dream that was hanging out with Brody Jenner (do I credit him as the son of Bruce Jenner, the step-brother of Kim Kardashian, or a cast member of The Hills?), but not in a Bromance sort of way, though.
As a self-described ladies’ man (I have no proof he claims this, but I have no doubt he claims this), he was acting as my dating guru. His advice:
Repeat what you do every hour.
Apparently, when you take a girl on a date, just perform a variation of your actions every hour. It was like a Philip K. Dick theory about time loops sort of thing. Believe me, the suggestion made sense in the dream, and it still carries a resonance in my noggin that’s difficult to convey.
Maybe it’s like true knowledge, in the sense that it must be learned and not taught.
Or maybe Brody Jenner can visit you in your dreams, in whatever capacity you prefer…
"I'm your host, Admiral Ollie Ackbar, and this is my sidekick, Ed McMonCalamari."
This was one messed up dream, and it requires a bit of back story. I don’t know if the back story occurred in the dream, or if my subconscious naturally knew it, but here we go:
Apropos of nothing, including Star Wars, Leno, Letterman, Conan, Kimmel, and Fallon, everyone’s favorite token Mon Calamarian, Admiral Ackbar, hosted the highest-rated late night show in America (think Krusty the Clown). He was on top of the world, until one night when a prank went bad.
Apparently, a woman was invited on stage for a skit that involved ham, bacon, and other various pork products, such as, um, pork. She was eight months pregnant, and against the producers wishes, Ackbar went ahead with the bit. Something about the segment startled her and caused her water to break. Live. On national TV.
This lead to him getting banned from everything and everywhere, and he eventually went into the witness protection program when threats on his life seemed credible. Now back to the present day… dream.
While living under his new identity, he eventually started butting heads with his handlers. Unable to blend in, he put on an elaborate show which exposed his location. Soon enough, the credible threat found him. It ended up being a mechanical pig that looked a bit like this:
(Not So) Artistic Representation
The roboswine wasn’t the only surprise…
All along, the reason the government thought Ackbar’s life was in danger was incorrect. They believed it was because the public was outraged that he caused his audience member to go into early labor. The real reason? The pigdroid was upset about the wasted pork products, bitter of the fact that he no longer consisted of pork products.
And the meatless metal meanie never intended to kill Ackbar – he only wanted an apology. The consummate host obliged and soon was back on top of the world.
INGREDIENTS: A late night helping of regular Oreo’s and a glass of chocolate milk.
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