I need to invent a version of this called "Draw Your Own Conclusions - LOST Edition"...

I wanted to love it.  I really did.

But ever since the “origin story” of Jacob and the Man In Black in the episode titled, Across the Sea (from a whole two weeks ago), I started having my doubts.  Blame it on seeing The Man Behind the Curtain.  Blame it on seeing bad-ass Darth Vader getting called Annie by a fish-rabbit.  But witnessing the beginnings of the enigmatic answer-holders toThe Island made us all realize they held no answers – only more questions.

Last week’s episode – What They Died For – continued illuminating Desmond’s path of getting the other passengers of Oceanic 815 to remember where they’d been, and it gave me hope again about the show’s finale.

So what went wrong, in my opinion?  Oddly, I’d say over-explanation.

That’s when you say, What?!  But they didn’t explain anything!

And that’s when I’d say, let me explain:

THE OVER-EXPLANATION

Jacob and the Man In Black were simply better as ageless entities.  They’ve been referred to as Yin and Yang; Right and Wrong; God and Satan; Alpha and Omega; Coke and Pepsi.  And they were much better for the mystery of it.  The second they became brothers manipulated by another who-the-hell-is-this, I understood the reason for the setup was to explain the Candidates. But they still could have remained ageless entities, searching throughout all of human civilization (from Atlantis to the Egyptians to Dharmaville) for their replacements.

INDIANA JONES AND THE EXPLANATION OF LOST

Remember how everybody loves  Raiders of the Lost Ark and everybody hates Kingdom of the Crystal Skull?  Let’s use the good and the bad to explain the ugly that was The End.

As the finale progressed, and each of our star-crossed survivors found each other again, I’ll admit that I was eating it up.  Although what ultimately happened didn’t mesh with what I hoped would happen,  that’s still not the only reason the ending didn’t make me completely happy.

So let’s turn LOST into ROTLA to examine the reason why.  For the entire movie, Indiana Jones has been fighting Nazis and greedy archaeologists to find the LOST Ark first.  This man of science and history has been turned into a man of faith, à la Jack Shephard.

But whereas in ROTLA, Indy’s true faith was tested, I fear Jack’s was not (at least not as effectively, because WHAT THE FUCK WAS THE ISLAND, THE LIGHT, AND THAT POOL?!).  And what happened after that would have been like Indy dying and going to purgatory/limbo/Mu/”the waiting place” to finally be happy with Marion Ravenwood (which I would have probably preferred over KOTCS).

It’s not a Snickers bar.  It’s hardly satisfying.  And it renders everything that happened on The Island and in the Sideways Reality pointless.  If this was a Nirvana they subconsciously created, why would they have invited murder, deception, and new kids like David, to exist?

Which brings me back to Jack and the Beanstalk, I mean, Fountain.  I couldn’t believe that even a part of me was hoping an alien or an ancient being would appear like the creatures in KOTCS to shed some insight into it all.  But no.  Not a thing.

I have to live with the stupid, frozen, Island-moving, donkey wheel being relegated to an idea Man In Black devised.

I have to live with the fact that Charles Widmore was nothing more than anybody else.

I have to live with the notion that Kate, Sawyer, Claire, Miles, Richard, and Frank were the only ones that escaped the Island… maybe.

WHAT MY HOPE EVOLVED INTO AS THE SHOW NEARED ITS END

I started hoping that the Sideways Story was an alternate reality created by the nuclear bomb detonation (hence Juliet’s claim, “It worked.”)

I started thinking that Desmond’s true purpose was to help guide all the survivors’ consciousnesses to this reality from the original reality so they could live happily ever after.

I started wondering if Miles would somehow not end up on the Ajira plane, allowing only Frank and Richard to make their escape since they were not shown in the Sideways Story, and the Island would have been destroyed, taking everyone else in the process.

But instead, all I got was an ending that was simply a Sideways Version of the South Park episode, Dead Celebrities:

The Final Church Scene from LOST